Saito: Well, sinceMaru-kun so kindly insisted, I'm making an appearance to show all of you just how bad at acting you all really are. Yes, I am great. Feel free to worship. Mondays thru Fridays, Tokio gets the weekends…
Crispy: If you weren't always dissing on my favorite characters in the manga, maybe you would have more appearances… HINT, HINT...
Saito: I can't help it if you're all idiots, can I…?
Crispy: I can understand insulting Senkaku… or Saizuchi… but Sojiro or Shishio…! You bad, bad man!
Saito: What's with all the 'S' names…? Saito, Senkaku, Saizuchi, Sojiro, Shishio, Sano…? Watsuki seems to like the letter S…
Crispy: …Certainly Seems so, Saito-san…
Saito: GAAAAAAAAH! MORE? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs off screaming)
Crispy: Ah, well… I seem to have that effect on people… -.-"
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(Sojiro is skipping cutely along the path of the Neutral-Toned Berber carpet material, when he hears a familiar voice…)
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Hey! Sojiro! Over here!
Sojiro: Shishio-san! There you are! After you and Yumi-san mysteriously and suggestively vanished together, I was wondering where you'd gotten to…! Um… Shishio-san…? (Looks around, seeing only bubbling vats of creamed corn and mashed turnips… and a very odd-looking and flammable straw-covered lump wrapped up in designer bandages lying on the ground with a Starbucks mug)
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: There! Hey, you! Lumpy guy!
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Why you little… who're you calling lumpy, lumpy!
Sojiro: Shishio-san… you might need a better comeback than that to stop Wendell-san… He's like Bender on Futurama, or something…
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Mufufufufufufufu… true, it is… n.n
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Hey, Tenken Sojiro! Get me down from this friggin' pole before I—
Sojiro: (sweatdrop) point taken… (nervous laugh) …And didn't Crispy say you were "lying on the ground with a Starbucks mug…?"
Straw N' Bandages Dude: (ignores question) Damn Meiji officials… they feared my power, and shot me in the head, burned me alive, stuffed my kimono in straw, and sold me as a scarecrow… Oh, the pain, misery, and itchiness… geez, I friggin' hate this costume… (scratches furiously at self)
Sojiro: (sweatdrop) … How the heck does the pole come off? It doesn't seem to work, and I'm not supposed to notice the obviously placed bar that I have to pull out…
Straw N' Bandages Dude: (imaginary sweatdrop)
Sojiro: HEY, an obviously placed bar! (pulls out obviously placed bar, Straw N' Bandages Dude falls to ground… again.)
Sojiro: YAAAAAAY, I helped Shishio-san! (starts being hyper and bouncing in circles around Straw N' Bandages Dude, acting either drunk, caffeinated, or both… (Crispy while writing this: He's only 16… (sweatdrop)))
Straw N' Bandages Dude: I'm starting to wonder how he always has so much energy…
Sojiro: Hyperness! YAAAAAAY! Yay, yay, yaaaaay! Heheheheheeheheheheheeheheheeheheheheeheheeeeeheeeeeeeeeeee………
Straw N' Bandages Dude: (imaginary sweatdrop) Forget I asked…0.o Oh yeah! Sappy moment time! (cringes) So… where are you off to?
Sojiro: Vegas! For Pastries! ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY GODDESS OF PASTRIES! (all bow respectfully)
Shishio: …
Sojiro: Oh, yeah! And there's this evil Night Witch of Not-goodness chasing me to steal my spiffy footwear.
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Ooooh, spiffy. …Anything else besides the mandatory evil dude/ette?
Sojiro: Weeeeellll… She did kinda blow up in a flash of you-generated fiery light stuff… so she might be kinda miffed at you if you join me…
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: She's also really hot.
Shishio: (glares venomously at Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™) …OK, I'm in! I want some Yatsuhashi, too! n.n'(Note: I just got Volume 12 a while ago, Yatsuhashi are the type of pastry Sojiro spent 3 days "buying…")
Sojiro: (gains demonic evil glare) NOOOOOOOO! Yatsuhashi are MINE! MIIIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEEEEE!
Crispy: …0-o'
Straw N' Bandages Dude: OOH! One more thing! Due to the fact that resin-coated straw is both impermeable and highly flammable, any kinda spark will basically burn me to a crisp… or at least, even crispier than I already am…
Sojiro: Shishio-san fears fire…? O.o'
Straw N' Bandages Dude: …
Sojiro: Soooo… I'm gonna go visit the Wizard of Oro so he'll send me to Vegas in a navy-blue helicopter! (A/N: reference to an old Russian childrens' song… 0-o gomen nasai…)
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Hmmn… I suppose I could tolerate traveling with an emotionless kid and a perverted plushie long enough to get some lavender moisturizing cream…
Crispy: (looks in script) Ummm… Shishio-san…? It's not face cream, it's—
Straw N' Bandages Dude: SO WHAT! Are you saying I need a brain? As if I don't have plenty of sanity as it is…? (rubs hands together and cackles like a madman)
Crispy: (MEGA SWEATDROP…) 0-o'''''''''''''''''''
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Besides! Have you ever been burnt alive…? You need to keep your skin from getting rough… (Salesman voice) SO BUY "COOKING OIL OF OLAY" LAVENDER INTENSIVE FACIAL SCRUB FOR FIRE-CHARRED SKIN, TODAY! The only logical choice for the logical madman!
(Mass sweatdrop from all but Straw N' Bandages Dude, who continues to clap his now-significantly-moisturized, disturbingly burnt hands together and applaud his own skin-care ads while, yes, cackling like a madman.)
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Hey! So, can I come…?
Sojiro: o.0' ummmmmmmn…… OK…
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Splendid, old chap! Ohohohohoho!
Crispy: OMG! HE'S STARTING TO TALK LIKE USUI! (runs off to hide quivering behind Sojiro)
Sojiro: Oro?
Usui: I HEARD THAT! SHISHIO IS IMITATING ME AGAIN, EH?
Crispy: Oro… now… Canadian….! (swirly eyes) CONFUSION……
Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: Makes sense he heard it though, he has the whole Heart's Eye thing going…
Straw N' Bandages Dude: HEY! It's Yumi! Dang, she's hot!
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: STOP (BLEEEEEEEPIN') COPYING ME!
Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: o.0' ……OH, YES! I FORGOT! I have to set Shishio-sama on fire! FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Crispy: Well, if Yumi could be more OOC than this, I would be amazed… but WAIT! Yumi-sama! You're supposed to wait for Saito-san to show up, and then—
Tin-Wolf of Mibu: …
Crispy: GAAAH! How long were you standing there…? 0.0"""""""""
Tin-Wolf of Mibu: Most of the scene, actually. Awaiting my chance to jump in and take over.
Straw N' Bandages Dude: HEY! That's MY job! (Angry Kaoru eyes)
Sojiro: Saito-san! Catch! (throws bottle of Straw N' Bandage Dude's "Cooking Oil of Olay" stuff at the rusted policeman's feet)
Saito: Ummm… I'm kinda… rusted. Help, anyone…? (all turn their backs and talk amongst themselves)
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Straw N' Bandages Dude: (pauses to use moisturizer on skin around mouth, enabling him to speak) We have reached our decision!
Tin-Wolf of Mibu: …and? (tries to pace impatiently, but fails for obvious reasons)
Sojiro: We'll help you… under one condition…! Crispy-san has to rewrite the script to make you act as totally OOC as possible! The personality should be… hmmmm…
Straw N' Bandages Dude: Ayame and/or Suzume!
Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: (Yes, she's still there…o-0'') Kamatari!
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Kamatari's generic corpse!
Usui: An insane blind guy!
(Mass sweatdrop…)
Crispy: How 'bout… The CEO of Starbucks! (Puppy dog eyes)
Sojiro: Or someone really random, like… Toshimichi Okubo!
Crispy: …You killed Toshimichi Okubo, remember?
Sojiro: Oh…yeah… but still! Okubo it is!
Straw N' Bandages Dude: I object, Your Pastryness! Okubo is just another corrupt government official!
Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: I agree with Makoto-chan! Okubo is just a freeze-dried corpse in a government cemetery somewhere! …And I know for one, that I'm not gonna be digging him up!
Sojiro: Wendell? How 'bout you?
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: (asleep)
Sojiro: Being a womanizer must be exhausting… anyway, this leaves is up to Usui-san and Crispy-san.
Usui: Okubo is an idiot. Even more than Houji, and that's saying something.
Houji, backstage: HEY! (Crispy throws a brick behind her, and Houji's voice yelling in anger and pain is heard loudly…)
(Mass sweatdrop)
Crispy: (This is a fanfiction… thus, if I write I hit Houji with a brick, it doesn't matter how inaccurately I throw, if I say it hit him, then hit him it did. Crispy's 2nd Law of Fanfictions. (The first being that Sojiro MUST ALWAYS be included in everything. Same goes for Shishio-san.))So… this leaves it up to me… um… how about Saito is just Saito, it's 4:00 am and I'm tired of continuing this pointless argument, I want sleep. (zonks out in middle of stage) KLUNK!
(Mass sweatdrop) (Houji runs up and kicks Crispy's sleeping form. Crispy twitches and mumbles something in her sleep, but otherwise continues her infamous "sleeping like an iron stone log" sleep pattern, as it was once referred to.)
Thus, Saito remains as Saito-like as possible for a Crispy fanfic, which is basically as OOC as it gets anyway…
Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: OK, NOW I get to set Shishio-sama on fire! WEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Straw N' Bandages Dude: … 0-o''''''''' (bursts into flames) AAAAUUUGHHH!
Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: (collapses into tears) OH, NO! What have I done…? MAKO-CHAN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sojiro: 0.o'
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: He's burning! HE'S BURNING!
Tin-Wolf of Mibu: …
Crispy: (wakes up) EVERYONE SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO—WTF! Shishio-san is burning! ……Coolness.
Straw N' Bandages Dude: (totally loses it) I'M (BLEEEEEEEEP)'IN ON FIRE, PEOPLE! THE (BLEEEEP)'IN LEAST YOU COULD (BLEEEEEEEEP)'IN DO IS PUT OUT THE (BLEEEEEEP)'IN FIRE!
(Mass sweatdrop)
Sojiro: O.0'''' (A/N: He's been doing that a lot…)
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Oh, my virgin ears…
(Yet another mass sweatdrop)
Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: This is boring. Gotta fly. Literally. Ohohohohoho.
Sojiro: I'll save you, Shishio-san! (throws nearest object at Straw N' Bandages Dude, which would have doubtlessly made a heroic rescue attempt… if the nearest object had not been Shishio's magic bottle of "Cooking Oil of Olay" skin cream.)
Straw N' Bandages Dude: (would sweatdrop if not for several reasons… Number 1, Shishio can't sweat, and number 2, even if he could, he was currently subject to burning temperatures of circa 4000 degrees Farenheit. And he'd just been altruistically dunked in cooking oil. Ain't life grand?
Shishio: HOLY SHIMOLY!
(Mass sweatdrop)
(Crispy drags out her infamous Pudding Gun)
Crispy: EAT TAPIOCA, YOU FLAMING MUMMY!
Straw N' Bandages Dude: sizzle sizzle… (flops over backwards) x.x"""""""""""""""""
Sojiro:… Oh well, going on without him!
Crispy: Right!
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