Chapter Three - Joey

"Knowing it isn't going to happen again makes me …sad."

It makes her sad? Do you know Rachel, what it makes me? It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to rip my heart out just to get rid of the searing pain inside. It makes me want to scratch the memory of the indescribable experience we shared yesterday out of my brain, because I know that nothing and no one could ever measure up to this. It makes me curse the day I fell in love with you.

But she obviously doesn't feel that way. For her it is just something she liked - a lot - and that is taken from her and so she is … sad.

Maybe I'm assuming too much though, maybe I should ask her what she feels about me.

"Do you even care about me, Rachel? Do you care about me at all?"

For a very short delirious moment she looks at me as if she is going to tell me that she returns my feelings. But she quickly averts her eyes and says,

"Of course I do, Joey. I care about you."

This is all there ever will be. I should have known. What was I thinking getting my hopes up like that? There is something not adding up here though. If she doesn't feel more than friendship for me, if she is honest about caring about me, she should know what she is putting me through.

"Then why are you doing this to me? Because Rachel, I can't … I can't live like this. It kills me."

"I am sorry Joe."

Yeah, I bet she is. I'm just not sure her being sorry has anything to do with me.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

a few days later

"Joey, Joey you have to feel this, the baby is kicking!"

Rachel is standing in the door to my room looking excited.

"Really, great," I say trying to sound as excited as she is.

"Come on Joe, you have to feel this."

She takes a few steps towards me and sits down on my bed right beside me.

"Here, can you feel this?" she asks taking my hand and placing it on her belly.

At first I feel nothing at all but then something is bumping against my hand. Once. And then again. There is actually something moving inside of her. Someone.

"Yes, yes I can feel it. God, this is amazing."

After a while I remember something my sister Gina showed me when she was pregnant.

"Rach, would you let me try something one of my sisters once showed me?"

Suddenly Rachel's excitement is gone and she looks at me anxiously.

"It's just that thing where you try to get the baby to sort of … follow your hands."

"That works?"

"It did with Gina. But I don't know if maybe it's to early in your pregnancy to work, so …"

"Let's try it."

"Okay … uhm … I would have to sit behind you, alright?"

She only nods.
I carefully move behind her so that she is sitting between my legs. Then I put my arms around her to lay my hands on her belly again.
The baby is still kicking what means we have a good chance for this to work.

Being so close to her makes me a bit dizzy. Her hair smells so good and her perfect ass pressed against my crotch isn't making it any easier to concentrate on what I was planning to do.

"It probably …" okay, let's try that again without the embarrassing squeak in it.

"It probably is going to work better if we have skin to skin contact, you know?"

She makes some sound that I interpret as a yes.
I slide my hands under her shirt and press them lightly against her skin.
The baby seems to have to think about this for a while and then she starts kicking against the unexpected source of warmth.

"Wow, it's working," Rachel whispers excited.

"Wait, that's not all."

I move my hands a bit to the side and after a few moments, the kicking follows.

"This is so unbelievable!" Rachel says while placing her hands over mine.

I don't even remember being so in awe at the wonder of a little person moving inside of somebody when it was Gina. Well, I was 15 years old back then and touching my sisters pregnant belly felt more wrong than anything else.

But this time it makes me feel like I am witnessing a miracle. That she is allowing me to experience this with her is like a wonderful and unexpected gift.
I can't believe I thought of her as unfeeling and selfish a few days before.

"Hey baby," I say when the baby stops kicking.

"You know, these hands on your mom's belly? That's me, your uncle Joey."

Rachel giggles a bit at that.

"I guess your tired now, you're probably already sleeping again. I just wanted to tell you that I can't wait to see you and …. I … I love you"

The last words only come out as a whisper because the second I started to say them my chest constricted quite painfully. Saying those words right next to Rachel's ears but not being able to say it to her is a lot harder than not saying them at all.

"Thank you," Rachel whispers after a while, "Thank you for showing me this."

"I have to thank you for sharing this, Rach. It means a lot to me."

We sit like this for a while, my hands still on her, her hands still on mine and I am still acutely aware of what her nearness does to me.

I can't seem to let her go, to stop touching her, to stop breathing in her scent.
She is trembling in my arms.

"Joey I … I have to go."

I can't let her go. I need her.

"Don't … don't go."

To emphasize what I just said I start kissing the side of her neck. A pained sound comes from her.

"Joey, you said …"

Screw what I said. This is where she belongs. Right here in my arms, in my bed.

"Maybe I was wrong", I whisper against the skin right below her ear.

"Maybe this can work …nobody has to know … you tell me when … and we'll do it."

Okay, so I admit I'm not making much sense when all the blood that is supposed to be in my brain is located further south.

I hope she understands what I was trying to say, though.

I want to be there for her. Hell, I promised her to always be there for her through all of this. And if just having sex with her is what it takes, I'll do it. Besides, who wouldn't?

Who cares if she doesn't return my feelings?
I have enough of them for both of us.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

five weeks later

There is a reason men shouldn't make any important decisions when they're in a state of arousal. It's not just because the lack of blood in your brain, it has also something to do with completely losing perspective if there is something right in front of you that you want so badly, you feel you might die if you can't have it.

And that night five weeks ago when Rachel came to me while the baby was kicking, I wasn't just aroused – I was burning.

I would've done everything – absolutely everything – to make her stay, to get to make love to her. So without even thinking about further implications, I agreed to be her go-to-guy when she needed sex.

Not one day went by since then when I didn't regret that decision. And there wasn't one single time I slept with her when I wasn't glad I made it.

The first time I deeply regretted agreeing to this was right after we had sex that night, in the very moment she thanked me and got up to leave my bed, just like the last time. It was like she got what she came for and now that it was over there was no reason for her to stay. That moment made me painfully realize exactly what I had gotten myself into. I felt cheap and used. Like I wasn't even worth a few minutes of pretending.

I wonder if this is what I made all the women feel whose bed I left as soon as sex was over.
Probably.

On the other hand, when we're doing it, I always think it's worth all the pain.

Chandler was absolutely right when he said that having sex with a woman you're in love with is an experience beyond everything you always thought having sex could be like.
I only wish it could be more than just sex.

These past weeks have put me through every emotion imaginable and I am slowly but surely coming apart.
I am short tempered and cranky, sad and depressed, moody and generally insufferable.

On some level I know this can't go on. I can't do this to everyone anymore.

Not to Monica, Chandler and Phoebe, especially not to Ross and most importantly not to Rachel. Because even if she might think everything is okay, it isn't and my not telling her this is most likely gonna have a very ugly ending because I really don't how long it will be before I finally snap.

Big question is, why haven't I done something about it already?

As much as it hurts to admit it, the reason is, I'm weak. I can't bring myself to say no to her, I can't bring myself to accept that I have to give her up. Even if I never really had her.

The thought of never being able to touch her again, to kiss her and make love to her is unbearable.

Worst thing is the hope that I still carry somewhere in my heart. Hope that by some miraculous twist of fate she'll love me back one day. Because this hope thwarts every attempt at doing what would be right.

A knock on the door shakes me out of my dark thoughts. I walk over and unlock the door, wondering why Chandler had never commented on the fact that it is always locked lately.
I'm glad he hadn't since I can hardly tell him Rachel and I don't want anyone walking in on us having sex.

"Hey, Joey. I was wondering if you're up for losing at foosball today."

"Why not," I shrug unenthusiastically.

After playing quietly for a while the questions start, as always.

"So Joey, anything new?"

I know what he is really getting at. I noticed how everyone is walking on eggshells around me. I know he senses that something is very wrong with me and he just wants to help by getting me to talk about it.

I shake my head no.

"How is work?"

"Great."

Amazingly enough, this is the truth. Although all of my colleagues probably hate me now for being an insufferable ass, the directors seem to be excited about my newfound 'intensity' and my ability to portray any emotion they want Drake to show without much effort. Now I can even cry on command, something I've never managed before. I'm starting to understand that method actor thing the guys at my acting classes were always raving on about.

"Anything exciting on the dating front?"

It's a bit unusual that this comes up so early in the conversation but that makes it no less annoying.

"Geez, Chandler for the hundredth time, no. You just asked me this question yesterday."

There, this is how I am these days. Most of the times, Chandler gives up after getting an answer like that. Not today though.

"Yeah and you know what, buddy? Since you're blowing up at me like that every time I'm asking, since you obviously weren't on a date for two months now, I think it is safe to assume that therein lies the reason people all but stopped asking you anything."

His unexpected outburst takes all the anger out of me.

God, he used to be my best friend. Am I losing a friend now because of a woman? Or better, am I losing two of them? Maybe all the people who were like my family for the past nine years?

I fight back a wave of desperation that is threatening to crush me.

"You have no idea, Chandler," I say finally.

"Then tell me."

The weird thing is, I really want to tell him – everything.

"I wasn't on dates for the past weeks because I'm in some sort of a relationship."

Okay, some would say you could hardly call what Rachel and I have a relationship, but it's been six weeks and I still didn't get any closer to find a fitting label, so I go with this.

"Well, I would say good for you but something's telling me it's not."

Damn right, Chandler, it's not.

"I like her – a lot. I mean … I never felt for a woman what I feel for her. I can't stop thinking about her, I lie awake at night thinking about her."

Now that Chandler opened the gate, I can't seem to stop talking.

"She is the most beautiful, the most amazing woman I've ever met. I only need to look at her and that makes me feel … so much. Sometimes it feels like my heart is to small to contain all the emotions she stirs up in me. She is smart and funny, she is the first woman that made me enjoy the time we spend together without having sex. Although if we have, Chandler, it is incredible, it is …"

"Okay Joey, do me a favor and leave that to my imagination, will you."

Good thing that this makes me stop talking. Who knows what else would have poured out of me.
Chandler senses that he made me stop and tries to get me to talk again.

"This all sounds really great, what's the problem?"

"She doesn't feel the same for me."

It's amazing, really. All my thinking in the past few weeks, all my agonizing over the baby and Ross and everything hadn't brought me that close to figuring out what the one thing is, that every other problem is related to. But this is it. This is the one and only thing that is wrong with us.

"But you said you're sleeping together, so I guess she has to feel something for you."

"She doesn't have to feel anything for me. She wouldn't be the first woman who couldn't keep her hands off me without having any feelings. I seem to have that effect on women."

Despite my surely obvious distress about this, Chandler looks at me with a raised eyebrow and a sarcastic grin.

"Poor Joey, must be hard to be this sexy."

People are right, it really helps to talk about stuff. It puts everything into perspective and makes you see things more clearly, when you alone are thinking yourself into the clouds.

It sometimes even makes you laugh at yourself.

"Yeah, … can't help it," I grin back at him.

After smiling at me for a while since he probably hadn't seen me laugh in quite some time now, Chandler gets serious again.

"So let me get this straight. She doesn't return your feelings but you're still sleeping with her because…?"

I'm a pathetic sap who can't let go of the woman he is in love with.

"… I like her."

"Right. And obviously, the situation is driving you insane and is making you behave in a way that makes people despise you. Let me think … what would be the only logical thing to do in a situation like this?"

What is he now? Psychic?

"Chandler, I know I should end it. Don't you think I know that? I can't … I just can't do that."

"Joey, I don't' know how else to put this but you have to. And not because of your friends. We love you and we will be with you through all of this, even if you're a jerk sometimes. But because of you. Do you even realize how much you've changed? It's like I don't even know you anymore and I used to know you better than myself. I liked the guy you were, he was a great guy and a really good friend. And I know a lot of people who think like this. You can't do this to yourself anymore."

He is right. I know he is right, but still …

"I can't lose her."

"But what's to lose, Joey? A woman who sleeps with a great guy like you, a guy bazillions of other women would love to have, and is too stupid to hold onto him and return his feelings? Seriously, don't you think you can do better than being some girl's fuck buddy? I mean, especially if that's apparently not what you want to be for her. By holding onto her you'll miss the chance to meet a woman who will be the right one for you, who will make you happy."

Thinking of other women feels all sorts of wrong somehow.

"She is the right one for me."

Chandler shakes his head at my stubborn refusal to follow his reasoning.

"She isn't. She is making you miserable. Trust me, relationships aren't supposed to make you miserable. They're supposed to make you happy."

Yeah, but…

"I can't let her go."

"Look Joey, I know how this feels, I've been there. But trust me, you will get over her, the pain is gonna go away eventually."

"I don't know, Chan. It really doesn't feel like it will, ever."

"Just stay away from her, make sure you don't see her anymore. That makes it easier at first and later it makes it easier to forget about her."

Great, this is exactly what isn't gonna be possible, even if I'd want to.

"Just think about ending it as a way to make yourself stop hurting. You have to promise me you'll at least think about it."

He looks at me as if it matters to him a great deal that I will think about this.
I'm glad he is my friend. I don't even wanna think where I would be today if it weren't for him.
And if thinking about what he said is making him happy, it's the least I can do.

"Okay, I can promise you that."

He smiles relieved.

"That's a start."

There is still something he obviously wants to know.

"Who is she anyway? Do I know her?"

I was starting to wonder why he hadn't already asked. And as much as it pains me, especially now, I have to lie to him about that.

"No, you don't."

I am not sure if he really believes me. He doesn't look convinced.

"So, what about a nice cup of coffee?" I suggest, wanting to change the topic.

"Sounds great."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When we come to Central Perk, all the girls are there, including Rachel. I try not to look at her because after essentially talking with Chandler about ending things, it feels like she would be able to see the betrayal in my eyes.

"Hi Chandler, Hi Joey," comes the greeting from all three of them.

"Hi," I say forcing myself to smile.

Before any real conversation can start, Ross comes storming in looking devastated.
Not waiting for anyone to ask what's wrong with him, he announces,

"Mona just broke up with me."

Everyone seems to be taken aback and sorry for him. I am not. Not that I expected them to break up, for all I could tell they seemed happy. On the other hand, I hadn't paid much attention to my friends relationships lately. But I am absolutely not sorry for Ross right now.

If anything, I feel sorry for myself. There is an unclear dread simmering in the pit of my stomach.

Ross is single again. This can't be good.

Just as I begin to analyze this further, Rachel envelopes Ross in a loving hug and comforts him, stroking his back, murmuring kind words of encouragement.

A powerful emotion hits me with the force of a freight train. Jealousy.

I can't breathe, I can't think and I certainly can't watch this without going crazy.

I make up some excuse about having to learn lines for DOOL and leave the coffeehouse as fast as propriety allows it.

Outside I lean my head against the nearest lamppost, closing my eyes, breathing slowly in and out, trying to get myself under control.

Chandler was right, now there is no doubt about it anymore – I am losing my mind.

In there, I was seconds away from ripping Ross out of Rachel's arms. Yelling at him that she is mine, that he has no right to get his hands all over her, just because he thinks no one could ever love her as much as he does.

To be honest, I felt that urge before. Not as powerful and demanding because he was still with Mona back then, but sometimes when Ross touched Rachel's belly and talked to the baby, or when he gave Rachel a kiss on the cheek, I really wished to be able to tell him that he was trespassing into another man's territory. I even fantasized about how good it would feel to throw it in his face that I am fucking his ex-girlfriend, that I make her scream my name when she comes.

I hit my head against the lamppost a few times but that doesn't change what slowly dawns on me.

Yes, Chandler was totally right. I've changed. I barely recognize myself anymore. How could I stoop to this level of viciousness?

Ross is my friend – at least he used to be. If anyone has the right to be jealous and feel betrayed and angry, it's him.

What would he say if he knew what I am doing behind his back?

I wince at that thought. There is no way he would be able to forgive me for this – ever.

But still, there is the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that he is getting something he doesn't deserve, something that I deserve.

And that is not that he gets to touch her. I get to touch her far more intimately and extensively than he would ever know. What drives me crazy with jealousy is that he is getting her affection, her comfort. That he gets a hug just because he needed one. He can stay in her embrace as long as he wants to without it having anything to do with sex.
He gets all this without having to ask for it.

I haven't even got it when I asked.

"Don't go Rachel", "Why don't just stay here for a while, Rach?", "You don't have to leave, Rach."

She never appeared as if she had even heard what I said when she left me.

Once I grabbed her hand, intending to not let her go, to get her to listen to me.

"Please Rachel, stay with me."

She just shook her head sadly, tore her hand free from my grasp and left without a word.

I've never asked her again.

Shouldn't that tell me something? Shouldn't that make me realize that Chandler was right? There is no future in this, all my hopes are highly pointless and borderline silly.

For her, it's always gonna be Ross. And why shouldn't it be? He is the father of her baby.

What am I still doing standing in their way like that?

Ross is single again. This might be good.

This might be my chance to come clean with her. To show her where she belongs, to make things right again.

Chandler was right, it would be good to stay away from her and maybe I can do that now.

She can live with him. She should live with him, I wouldn't even need to explain that to anyone. No one would ever guess where that came from, everyone would think it's a good idea.

I'm gonna call Ross' cell phone and ask him to come over to my place with Rachel.

I will tell them it would be good if she would move in with him and then I can start to get my head back together.

Ross is single again. This is good.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Uhm, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation."

Rachel is blushing furiously. She probably thinks I'm gonna spill the beans to Ross. If that's the case she is in for a surprise.
The tricky thing is to make it sound as if this has nothing to do with the things between her and me.

"The thing is...'cause I live with Rachel I'm here for a lot of the baby stuff, okay?"

I look at Rachel to make her understand where I'm going with this.

"And Ross...Ross is missing everything. So..."

The color of Rachel's face has abruptly changed from beet red to ghostly pale.

"Yeah?" she prompts cautiously.

"Maybe you two should live together."

Rachel tries to say something but nothing comes out. After a few moments she asks toneless, "Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?"

I almost wince at how hurt she sounds. I didn't mean to hurt her but I can't think of any other way to resolve this messed up situation. We can't live like this anymore. At least I can't. Of course I can't say that or Ross would know what is actually going on here.

"Oh no, no I love living with you. It just seems that...if you're gonna have a roommate, you know, it might as well be the father."

Rachel looks as if she is about to cry. I don't get this. She should be happy. Ross is single again, she can live with the father of her baby and who knows what else is gonna happen. Maybe they can finally have their happily ever after. Wouldn't she want that?

Ross on the other hand is beyond excited at my idea.

"God, I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we …we can just try it like on a temporary basis."

She shakes her head.

"But Ross, its you and me."

"So? Sure! But it … it wouldn't be anything romantic. We're past that, right? And I'm just coming out of a relationship, I'm not gonna dive right into the next one, okay?"

I'm starting to get uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation. I don't want to think of any romantic relationship possibilities between Ross and Rachel. They should make their decision now and get it over with.

Suddenly a realization hits me. If there were something there, something I could base my hopes on that she might have feelings for me too, anything at all, she wouldn't hesitate. She would tell Ross right then and there that she wants to live with me.

Time to find that out.

"All right now, so? What do you think?"

Although I'm pointedly looking at Rachel, Ross feels the need to announce his opinion rather redundantly.

"We should to that. Joey, this is such a smart idea. Am I right, Rachel?"

Rachel sighs defeated.

"Yeah, maybe. Maybe we should do that."

Ross jumps up excitedly and hugs her for what seems like an eternity.

Blinding pain is ripping through me. So this is what it feels like when your heart is torn to pieces. And I thought it was bad before.