A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I appreciate every comment on the story. Even if it's already complete, nothing is set in stone so if you have any suggestions or if you see any mistakes, feel free to let me know.
Chapter Five - Joey
Three months later
They dragged me to the hospital today.
Rachel's water broke a few hours ago and Monica and Chandler insisted that we all go to the hospital to wait for the arrival of young Miss Green.
I really want to be as excited as everyone else is but I can't. Not that I'm not excited that Rachel's baby is being born. I was looking forward to this day since I first felt her kicking against my hands.
But that means I have to talk to Rachel again, I have to congratulate her to the birth of her baby, knowing that she hates my guts.
The last three months have to be the most horrible time I ever had to live through.
First I tried destroying stuff which actually helped for a while. Especially throwing ketchup bottles against the bathroom door proved to be somewhat of a distraction.
I gave up on that after I cut my fingers a few times while cleaning up the mess.
Then I thought since it works for a lot of people I know, I should start drowning my sorrows in alcohol. Turns out, my stomach might be able to deal with food of every kind – and age – but it isn't able to deal with the amount of alcohol one needs to actually stop hurting.
After the alcohol fiasco I turned to the thing I already knew. Dating. Or to name what I really had in mind – sleeping around. It always helped me to get my mind off things that were troubling me.
That one backfired big time.
Getting girls to go on a date with me was the easy part – as it always was.
When we were having dinner and they were yammering on and on about all the completely boring stuff girls like to dump on the men they go out with, I entertained myself by comparing them to Rachel. Which for some reason came across as me being a good listener.
By the time dinner was over, I wasn't even interested in having sex anymore. The first few times I made the mistake of telling them that I just came out of a relationship in which I got my heart broken and that I'm not ready yet to take any serious steps with any woman so soon. Which should have sent them running but didn't. It's weird, if you're interested, they're not; if you tell them you are emotionally unavailable, they're all over you.
So more often than not I found myself sitting on some couch in some apartment making out with some woman whose name I had a hard time remembering.
I actually got yelled at a few times for calling them Rachel.
Worst thing was, nothing was happening. I mean to me. I wasn't even the tiniest bit excited. Not that I was expecting to have with some random woman what I had with Rachel, but there was just nothing going on down there.
Which was especially frustrating in the light of the fact that I always had to make sure I had the seat at the table in the coffee shop so I could hide my completely inappropriate bodily reaction to Rachel's mere presence.
I even went so far as to imagine Rachel while being with other women but that didn't work either. Everything about them threw me off, their smell, their taste, the noises they made.
I couldn't go through with it one single time.
Back when everything was still okay with me and the world, I had to make up excuses for leaving girls right after we had sex, now I was making them up to be able to leave with my dignity intact before anything happened. I found that to be so embarrassing I didn't even tell Chandler about it.
I tried for the longest time to make that work. I can't imagine myself living in celibacy for the rest of my life.
But when I realized that I started despising the women who went out with me, I gave up on dating for the time being. It would have been totally unfair to drag girl after girl into my screwed up life, only to hate them for not being the woman I really wanted to be with.
If there is a woman out there destined to take Rachel's place in my heart, I suppose she has to find me by other means.
So since I didn't tell Chandler what was really going on with me, he was obviously convinced I was successful in moving on from my tragically doomed relationship with the mysterious woman. He even tried to talk to me about 'her' a few times but I always managed to give the conversation a different direction.
Unfortunately, the topic of my seemingly exciting love life always tended to come up when Rachel was in the same room.
'Hey Joey, how was the date? Hey Joe, did you get lucky yesterday with Whatshername? Joy, anything interesting about the girl you went out with last night?'
I tried to dodge the issue somehow, but since I couldn't say that nothing interesting happened with those girls ever, I gave the impression that I 'got lucky' almost every night.
Rachel did her best to appear unfazed, but I could tell how repulsed she was.
We both tried to hide what has been going on between us by some unspoken agreement. No need to have the truth come out now that it was over anyway.
We still saw each other regularly at Monica's or at the coffee house, even if I had tried at first to avoid all places where I could run into her.
We didn't talk directly to each other but we made a point to be civil, to acknowledge each others presence, to greet and to say 'please' and 'thank you'.
It was hard enough to do that much.
Besides the aforementioned sexual attraction, I always had to deal with the fact that she was almost always together with Ross. She snuggled up to him all the time, especially when she knew I was looking, he had his arm around her or was touching her belly constantly. Although Monica, when asked, claimed that there was nothing romantic going on between those two. But what did she know. They're lobsters after all.
On the subject of Rachel's belly, it drove me crazy not to be involved anymore. I know I had no business being involved in anything, but I had developed a connection to this pregnancy and to this baby. I was the first one to feel her kicking, I was the one who was there when Rachel had her first Braxton-Hicks contraction, I always knew how she was feeling and what was up with the baby. After she moved out I had to ask Monica if I wanted to know anything and I had to do even that with a lot of discretion to prevent her asking me why I don't ask Rachel.
And then there were the nights. The questions that went through my head over and over again when I was lying in my lonely bed.
If things could have been different. If I could have said or done something to prevent all this from happening.
Thoughts of what would have happened if I had told her what I felt. Trying to pinpoint the moment when everything started to go downhill.
But the one thing all of these thoughts and questions came back to was the fact that if she didn't feel for me what I feel for her, all of my wondering was pointless.
I still regret what I said to her, though. It pains me to know that I can be that much of an asshole if I want to. There is no excuse for what I said that night and I would be the last one to blame her if she wouldn't been able to forgive me for that for the rest of her life.
So I didn't say anything. As much as I sometimes wanted to, I never apologized, I never asked for her forgiveness.
She hates me now and she has every reason to. This thought is the hardest one to live with.
"Hey champ, what's up? Any dating experiences you want to share with your none dating because happily married best friend?" asks Chandler while slapping me on the back so hard I almost spill my coffee. Seriously, his interest in my sex life starts to become creepy. As does his sneaking up on me like that. Or maybe I was just zoning out again.
I already got into serious trouble at DOOL because I even stopped delivering my lines in the middle of shooting and just stared right ahead. I really have to pull myself together, I can't afford to lose this job.
"You're doing it again, Joe."
"What?"
"You're doing it again. Ignoring me, not answering questions, staring off into space."
"I do that?" If you don't want to explain yourself, play dumb. Always works for me.
"Oh please, don't tell me I'm the first one to notice."
Or not.
"Well I'm … I'm worried about Rachel. Because she is in there for like …an eternity."
Lying would be the second choice, although it is unusual that delivering a baby takes that long.
"Don't lie to me Joe."
So that didn't work either.
"Please Joey, I am your friend, I want to help. But you have to let me. You have to talk me."
"Do we have to do this now? And here?"
"Yes we do Joe, because I strongly believe this has something to do with Rachel and I think this should be cleared up between you two before she starts this new chapter of her life."
Panic grips my chest and I can't even breathe for a while. How did he find out? What does he know? Guess I'm about to find that out.
"Why do you think it has something to do with Rachel?"
"Because ever since she moved in with Ross, you two barely speak to one another. We don't even make fun of you anymore because we're afraid, you will be at each others throats at the slightest provocation."
"Did everyone notice that?"
"Well, Ross was a bit wrapped up in his happy family life lately, but Phoebe, Monica and I sure did."
"Have you talked to Rachel about that?"
"No, I'm talking to you. What is the matter, Joey?"
I put my face in my hands and try to come up with an explanation that won't uncover the whole truth.
Chandler pats my back comfortingly. "You know you can tell me everything, right? It can't be that bad."
"It is bad … she hates me."
"Why?"
"I was an ass the day she moved out."
"Why?"
"She sort of didn't want to go and I was convinced, I'm still convinced it was the right thing to do so ..."
"So?"
"I pushed her away."
"How?"
"I said some very mean things to her so she would want to move out and never come back."
That is as close to the truth as I can get and maybe this is all Chandler needs to know. It explains everything and is more or less what happened.
"What did you say?"
"I … I... I sort of told her I'm glad I don't have to live with her anymore."
Chandler looks horrified and that wasn't even the really bad part of what I said.
"No wonder she hates you."
"Well, thanks a lot Chandler, that really did help."
"No, no wait Joey. I'm sorry … I was just …I guess I didn't really believe it could be that bad."
This is not helping either.
I slump back against the chair closing my eyes.
"Well, I know how confused you were back then because of that girl trouble you had, it's no wonder you snapped at Rachel too."
"That's no excuse."
"Look Joey, even if you were doing something wrong, you did it for the right reasons. You weren't trying to hurt her."
"But I did."
"Yes you did. Shit happens. What did she say when you tried to apologize?"
"I didn't."
"You what?"
"I didn't try to apologize."
"Why not! And … more importantly .. why NOT!"
"Geez, Chandler, there are other people around here!" I shush him.
"Joey I … I can't believe this. I always thought I was the one who is bad at this type of stuff. You were always the one who knew what's the right thing to do."
"I know that it would have been the right thing to do. But she is pregnant and she hates me and I didn't want to upset her anymore than I already did."
This sounds so lame, even to me.
"And you think seeing you all the time not knowing if you're even sorry is easier for her?"
I shake my head no. I really don't think that.
"Besides I don't think she hates you. She is mad at you, that's for sure but she doesn't hate you."
"What makes you think that?"
"She is still watching DOOL."
"She is crazy about soap operas. She watched that show before I was even in it."
"She was the first one to notice the cuts on your hands after the ketchup bottle incident."
All Chandler knows about the so called 'ketchup bottle incident' is that I was trying to invent a new game after 'fireball' lost its thrill.
"You know how nosy she is, of course she noticed."
"She was always asking me stuff about you. Always in this roundabout way so I wouldn't notice she was even asking. Similar to the way you're always asking Monica about her."
These two are a match made in heaven. Why do they have to talk about stuff like that? Don't they have better things to do? But wait …
"She asked about me?"
"All the time."
Does that really mean she doesn't hate me? It would be too good to be true.
"Joey, you have to tell her you're sorry."
"Yes, yes you're right. I'm gonna do it," I say standing up.
"Well, I wouldn't do it while she is in labor."
Yeah, he might be right about that too.
"Try to get a few minutes with her alone. Be honest. Tell her what you told me. I'm sure she will forgive you. She has other things to worry about now than some crazy ex roommate."
When the hell did Chandler stop sucking at relationship stuff? Must've been around the time he got married.
"Thanks man," I say moving in for a manly hug.
We sit there hugging for a while when an unfamiliar female voice says,
"Aww look at you two! Are you guys going to have a baby?"
I know Chandler is gonna hate me for this but the young nurse looks so genuinely happy for us, I don't want to disappoint her. I put my arm around him and declare proudly,
"Yes we are."
And in a way this isn't even a lie. We all are going to have a baby around soon and then I will have to apologize.
I waited outside Rachel's hospital room for hours. When we learned that Rachel's daughter had finally made her way into this world, I asked Chandler to tell Rachel that I would be there later. I wanted to wait until I could have some time with her alone. Which turned out to be a long wait since Ross refuses to leave Rachel's side.
Why is there never a dinosaur emergency when you need one?
Guess I'll have to ask him to give us a few minutes.
I knock at the door to Rachel's room and Ross calls for me to come in.
Ross beams at me. "Hey Joey, we've waited for you. Chandler said there were some problems on the DOOL set?"
"Yeah, there were. They needed me to re-shoot a scene. And congratulations," I say shaking his hand.
"Thanks man, but Rachel here did all the work. She was amazing. I mean 27 hours is a lot of time to be in unbearable pain."
After stealing a glance at Rachel who tries her best to look anywhere but directly at me, I look back at Ross.
"Uhm Ross, would you mind giving us a few minutes? I want to talk to Rachel for a sec, is that okay?"
Rachel looks up nervously.
"Of course it is. Rachel, honey, if you don't mind I want to go grab a bite in the cafeteria. I really start to feel like I haven't eaten in a while. Joey here will keep you company, alright?"
Rachel nods slightly. "Alright."
I can sense that she is extremely uncomfortable, but I'm glad that she's giving me the chance to talk to her alone.
Ross then proceeds to say some nonsense to the baby in Rachel's arm and eventually makes his way out of the door.
I take a seat next to Rachel's bed facing the door. No need to have someone dropping by while we discuss things only the two of us know about.
After running a hand through my hair a few times I take a deep breath and start speaking.
"Rachel I came to apologize. I wanted to tell you how terribly sorry I am for what I said to you that night. I know this is about three months too late for that but I just couldn't find the courage to do it sooner. I don't expect you to forgive me but I wanted you to know that I am sorry. And of course I want to tell you how happy I am for you and Ross and … your daughter."
"Emma"
"What?"
"Her name is Emma," she says, smiling a little.
"Emma," I repeat, looking at the little bundle in her arms. The baby looks rosy and doesn't even have the typical wrinkly skin most newborns have. My nephew Michael was so ugly when he was born, I actually felt bad for him.
"She's beautiful," I say more to myself than to her.
"Yeah, she's the most beautiful baby I ever saw."
"She's got that from her mother."
As soon as these words leave my mouth I wish I could take them back. Not that they're not true but I didn't come here to charm her into forgiving me.
"It hurt, you know. A lot."
"Yeah, my mother always said to my sister that labor is the hardest thing she'd ever have to do."
"No … I mean, yes, that hurt too. But it was worth it. The result justified the pain. No ... I meant what you said. It hurt a lot. I never would have thought you would be capable …," she trails of.
I hang my had in shame. "Neither would I Rachel ...neither would I."
"Then why? I really want to understand that, Joe. Why?"
This is what I was afraid of. I knew Rachel wouldn't just accept an apology, not asking for an explanation. How much can I tell her without letting her figure out things she doesn't need to know right now? Things she'll never need to know?
"Rachel, I know that still sounds mean but I couldn't live like that anymore. I had to end it, it was turning me into someone I didn't want to be, it was killing me."
"You said it was okay, that it might work."
"It didn't, Rach. Not for me. I felt like I was living someone else' life. It felt like I was taking something away from Ross that I hadn't any right to have. And I don't just mean you. I mean … her. You said yourself he could be as involved as he wanted and he obviously wanted to be involved as much as possible. I had no right to keep him from that."
She seems to think about that for a while. It is the truth, even if it's not all of it.
"Let's say you were right. That doesn't explain … anything. That doesn't explain what you said. I can't understand why you felt the need to hurt me so bad."
"I really loved … living with you, Rachel, you have to believe that. But I had to make that cut. So …"
"So?"
"So I thought I should make you want to move out."
Truth is, yes I wanted to push her away so she would want to move out but I also knew that if we would've spend that night together, I wouldn't have been able to let her go.
"You've got that one done."
"I know and I'm sorry."
"So you felt bad about it?"
"Yes, of course I did. From the moment you ran out of my door. It was wrong and mean and cruel. I shouldn't have …."
"Okay, okay, Joey. I forgive you."
For a moment I can only stare disbelieving at her and then I feel an overwhelming rush of relief at the thought that we put that behind us.
"Thank you Rachel. You don't knowhow muchthat means to me. I really thought I'd lost you. So ...are we friends again?"
She looks at me with the oddest expression on her face. Then she quickly shakes her head as if she just chased away some weird thought. "Yes, yes of course. We're friends again."
I want to be happy. I will be. Once I have buried my love for her so deeply I will never feel it again.
While I try to be happy about us being friends again, Rachel coos at Emma who apparently just woke up.
"Joey, do you want to hold her for a while?"
"Of course I do!"
This really makes me happy. Not just that she trust me with her baby, but the fact that I get to say 'Hi' to the child I love since the day I first felt her presence.
Rachel looks a bit surprised that I'm quite capable of taking the baby from her and holding it in my arms the way I'm supposed to.
"I wasn't only around for Gina's pregnancy, you know."
She just smiles.
Emma looks up at me with big, somewhat unfocused, blue eyes. I wave at her a little.
"Hi Emma, remember me? I'm uncle Joey. We talked a few times when you were still inside of your mommy."
I gingerly touch her face and am awed by how soft her skin is. Then I lift one of her little fists up with my index finger, marveling at the delicacy of these tiny little hands.
How can something so small already be this perfect?
Suddenly Emma opens her hand and grabs my finger, holding onto it really tight. I know it is just a reflex but in this moment it feels like it means so much more. Like she is trusting me, like she really knows who I am and that I love her.
In this moment I promise her silently to be there for her whenever she needs me, to never let her down, to love and protect her as if she were my own.
"Love you," I whisper.
"Looks like you two are friends already."
I look up a bit puzzled to hear Ross' voice. Apparently he came in while I was busy staring at the beautiful baby in my arms.
Emma seems to be done being looked at and starts wailing.
"Oh, come to mommy, sweetheart, dinner time."
This is my cue to leave. The last thing I need to see right now are Rachel's breasts. I place the crying baby into Rachel's arms and make my way to the door.
"Well it's dinner time for uncle Joey, too. See you guys later," I say and all but run out of the room, not looking back.
xxxxxxxxx
tbc
