a few days later
Friends. He wants to be friends again. It's been almost a week and I still can't muster the slightest bit of enthusiasm at that idea. If anything, I'm disappointed.
Yes, I am glad he apologized. I'm glad he tried to explain why he suddenly turned into this jackass. I'm glad I finally know he was sorry about that for most of the time I was mad at him. And I was honest about forgiving him. How can I not forgive him?
On some level I always knew that he felt guilty about what we were doing. I knew it wasn't working for him. But I held onto it in the hope he might develop feelings for me too, that one day he might start feeling okay with it. I held onto it because I knew I would never experience what I had with him with anyone else, and I wasn't ready to let him go. I was selfish – again – and he was hurting so he lashed out at me, I can see that now. It doesn't make what he said any less painful, but it makes me understand that I can't blame everything on him.
What still irritates me, what I still think he is wrong about is that it was the right thing for me to move in with Ross.
And yes, I know everybody thinks it was. I heard that from every single one of them. Repeatedly.
But to be perfectly honest, the only one whom I think this was a good thing for was Ross.
Even Joey uses Ross as his only argument when it comes to this. 'Ross isn't involved, Ross misses all the baby stuff, you should live with the father'
You can call me selfish but I don't think Ross' happiness justifies making two people unhappy. And no, I didn't forget someone here. I am talking about me and Emma.
Emma was loved where she was. I needed one look at Joey when he held her to know that he was honest when he said he loved her. He does. And for a child this is everything that counts.
If an unborn child is really as perceptive to its mothers moods and emotions as the books say, moving in with Ross was bad for Emma too. Because her mother was almost always sad and unhappy, moody and discontented, mad at her baby's father for not being the man she loved and mad at the man she loved for not loving her back.
When I think about it, this it what it really comes down to. I can't forgive Joey for one thing and that is not loving me back. And he can't apologize for that because it's not his fault and sadly enough, he doesn't even know about this.
I guess this is the reason why I was so disappointed after we talked. Maybe I am still expecting him to drop on his knees in front of me one of these days and declare his undying love for me.
Yeah, like that will ever happen.
He moved on.
Not that there was anything for him to move on from, but if there were, one could safely say he moved on.
Chandler and Joey seemed to use every available situation to talk about Joey's adventures with what seemed like at least a half of the female population of New York City.
When I thought he went on a lot of dates before, after I moved out there were so many girl's names flying around, I could hardly keep track of them so I wouldn't accidentally name my daughter after one of his conquests. I can't even begin to describe how jealous I was that he was chasing after complete strangers to have sex with them, when I would have been perfectly willing to have sex with him every night.
Guess I'm not what he is looking for. I suppose he isn't even looking for someone special. Joey Tribbiani is just not that kind of guy. Another thing I always knew about him but for some reason can't convince my heart to accept.
Sometimes, when I'm not too busy wading knee deep in self pity, I think I am a bit unfair to Ross. Well, a lot - actually.
Ross was great the whole time - he still is. He endured my increasingly bad mood with a calm I sometimes envied.
He took care of buying most of the baby stuff and getting a place for everything in his apartment since at first I couldn't even muster the energy to careof any of that.
When all the other expecting mothers in my Lamaze-class Ross attended with me regularly practically had no other topic than diaper-genies and baby clothes and what would be the best breast pump, I was moping over my screwed up love life.
Ross did his best to cheer me up. Instead of watching the discovery channel with me like I was afraid he would do all the time, he rented silly comedies. He made an effort not to talk too much about babies or giving birth and all the stuff that I know he would have loved to talk about, because he apparently figured this was what I was so upset about.
He coached me through God knows how many hours of labor with this combination of patience, genuine caring and goofiness that I always loved in him.
He had tears in his eyes when he held Emma for the first time. I know he loves her and I know he will always be there for her, whatever it takes.
I saw him with Ben all this years, there is no doubt in my mind he will be a great father.
He is. He is trying to help with Emma as much as he can, he gives her bathes and he changes her diapers. At least he does that when he is not at work, which he ismost of the day. But that's not a problem since Emma is a really easy kid. She sleeps almost all the time and breastfeeding worked without any problems from the first day on.
I have no idea what all the fuss is about that taking care of a baby is so hard. It's not hard at all, I have a lot of free time on my hands every day.
When Ross comes home I let him usually take his time with Emma, then I feed her and let Ross put her to bed.
Afterwards we watch TV or talk about his day. I never would have thought the two us could be like this together. Just two friends hanging out.
It wasn't like this at first.
Ross and I hadn't really lived together in the past and we had a bit of trouble adjusting to that.
Well, I had because I didn't really want to live with him in the first place. But since I couldn't go back to the man who broke my heart, I eventually made peace with dinosaur fossils in the bathroom and the fact thatI wasn't allowed to throw wet paper towels.
I did some thinking about the man who broke my heart the first time around and decided to give him another chance. Okay, to be honest, I decided to prove to myself that my attraction to Joey was just that. A purely sexual attraction caused by pregnancy hormones going crazy.
I had to force myself not to think about what Joey would say to the fact that I really was trying to get Ross to 'fill in for him'.
So one evening when we were watching one of those rented tapes, I snuggled closer to Ross and on this cue he put his arm around me without even taking his eyes off the TV.
I put one of my arms around him and snuggled even closer. Nothing happened.
Since it worked so good on Joey the first time we slept together, I started kissing Ross' face and when he turned to ask me what the hell I was doing, I kissed him deep and passionate.
Unfortunately – or fortunately, now that I'm looking back at this – from then on things didn't progress the way they did with Joey. Ross kissed me back for a while but then drew away putting his arms around me, drawing me to his chest.
"Rachel, honey, don't do this. Remember, we both didn't want this to be anything romantic. We both didn't want to go there again."
I put up a bit of fight to get free of his tight embrace, but secretly I was glad he stopped me. I still shudder at the thought of what kind of mess this would have gotten us into.
Or what great development I would've missed.
"We are going to have a baby, Ross. Shouldn't we at least try again?"
He let me out of his arms then and looked at me very seriously.
"Are you still in love with me, Rachel?"
"I love you, Ross." I said truthfully. And this is what I feel. I love him, he is my best friend, the man I have so many great and loving memories of, the father of my child. I'll always love him.
"But …"
When I looked up at Ross I saw him looking at me encouragingly. As if he wanted me to come to this conclusion myself. Maybe it was this moment I truly realized for the first time that he was over me. That he didn't love me anymore and that I couldn't hurt him by telling him what I was about to.
"... but I'm not in love with you anymore."
He lifted his hand and caressed my face while he said,
"Then why should we try again, Rachel? If we're not in love anymore, all we would do is to hurt us both. And … and the baby."
When I didn't speak, because tears were already burning in the back of my throat again, he continued, "But I promise, you won't have to do this alone. I will always … always be there for you and her. Even if I find someone new, even if one day – and I'm starting to believe this isn't gonna happen anyway – I have the family I always wanted, I will always be there for you. I swear."
I rested my head against his chest again and cried quietly into his shirt for a while.
"I wish I would've given you another chance back then."
In this moment, I really wished that. It would have made things so much easier – everything. But I guess Ross was right with what he said next.
"You have no idea for how long I wished the same thing. But now I think that maybe this is the way it was supposed to be. Not that I'm not sorry about breaking your heart like that, I am, there will never be a thing I'll be more sorry about, but maybe we would've run into other problems in the future. Maybe we weren't meant to be together."
Listing to Phoebe for years now had make me believe in things like that.
"But you loved me since the ninth grade. We're lobsters."
He chuckles a bit at that.
"Yeah we are. Look at us – who would argue we are lobsters? We are together, forever bound to each other by the baby you're carrying. Maybe being lobsters doesn't mean being lovers."
That didn't convince me at all.
"And yes, I loved you since the ninth grade. Or to be honest, I had a crush on you. You were this unattainable princess every boy dreams about. I'm convinced I wasn't the only guy who felt that way about you. But Rachel, we're both not the people anymore we were back then. Back then I wanted to be a rock star. I played 'my music', remember? You wanted to marry Mr. Perfect and lead a perfect little life. Do you still want that?"
"Well, I want to get married sometimes. But you're right. I'm not that girl anymore. I think I'm not even that girl anymore who fell in love with you."
"I feel the same thing, Rachel. You're not the girl I fell in love with either and I would've realized that sooner or later. We both would have."
He was right. And it felt like there was a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders when I realized that he was letting me go, that I could let him go without losing him.
"I forgive you," I said after a few minutes of silence. "I forgive you for breaking my heart, for sleeping with that girl. I know I made mistakes, too. I know that you're not the only one responsible for breaking up our relationship."
I could hear his breath hitching at my words, I could feel him shake and I knew that he was crying. I didn't look up and I didn't try to comfort him because I knew his tears came from the same relief I had felt a few moments earlier.
When the shaking subsided a bit I looked into his eyes again. He was smiling.
"Thank you Rachel."
He touched my face again wiping away the wet trails my tears from before had left.
"I love you. I always will."
Something compelled me to touch his face too, to brush my fingertips against the lips I had kissed so many times.
"I love you too, Ross."
And then we kissed. It was a long, sweet and lingering kiss, burdened with all the hurt feelings, the dashed hopes and broken promises that were standing between us.
But at the same time it was light with the promise of a better future, a future without guilt and regrets, a future where we both would be free of the lost love between us, free to love our child and free to love someone else, where we both would be friends again, where we would have finally left our past behind us.
This kiss was our Goodbye – and our Hello.
Everything had changed between us since that night. For the better.
It felt like we were both on the same page again.
I started to share his excitement for the birth of our baby, instead of comedies we watched tapes of women giving birth (not recommended for expecting mothers), old videotapes of Ross and Monica in the pool (hilarious) and tapes of Ross' and Chandler's first steps on the way to superstardom (side splittingly funny).
We talked a lot, not only about the near future that would undoubtedly revolve around the baby, but about the plans we had afterwards.
"When do you want to start to go to work again?", asked Ross one evening.
"I was thinking when the baby is about six months old."
"We would need to look for a nanny soon. Carol told me how much trouble it is to find a good nanny these days."
"My mother already gave me the numbers of a few girls she thinks would be great, maybe we should start with them."
Ross seems to be deep in thought for a while and then asked tentatively, "How long do you think are we going to live together?"
"You're already sick of having me around?", I teased him playfully.
"No, no of course not Rachel. I didn't want it to sound like that. I meant…"
"Easy, easy Ross, I was just kidding. I know what you meant."
But since he was so easy I couldn't resist.
"Want to know when you can start bringing all your hot dates home again, huh?"
He started defending himself before seeing me grin.
"What makes you think I will be the first one bringing home the hot dates?"
All I could do was not to flinch at this question that had hit exactly the sore spot.
Ross noticed my discomfort immediately.
"Or is there already someone you like?"
I started busying myself with rearranging the science magazines on the coffee table.
"There is. You're blushing," he smiled triumphantly.
"I'm not blushing, it is just so hot in here."
"Come on, spill it Rachel, who is it? Someone I know?"
"I'm not gonna tell, Ross. Besides, nothing's gonna happen. It's a lost cause."
"Oh come on, honey. Honestly. Who could you not get?"
This moment was the closest I ever came to tell Ross everything. Joey's name almost burned a hole into my tongue. I realized just a few seconds before everything would have poured out of me that nothing good could come from telling Ross.
He probably would've gotten mad at Joey. He would've talked to him and it wouldn't have been a friendly talk and then everything would've been messed up beyond repair. Not just for Joey and me, for everyone.
I couldn't do that to them again. Not after almost forcing them to takes sides between me and Ross. I learned my lesson.
So instead of answering Ross, I tried to change the subject.
"Regardless of who of us brings home the hot dates first, how do we handle the situation if and when it arises?"
"I think it would be awkward to have someone else here as long as we still live together."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. So we can't start dating again until I move out."
"We can date, but we can't bring someone over here."
"Which, especially for you, since you're the guy, is totally impractical. So, I will have to move out fairly soon, since I think the girls are lining up already", I teased him good natured.
"Hey, stop making fun of me! Not everyone can have somebody already waiting."
"Ross, I told you, there isn't anyone. And he's certainly not waiting."
"If he's smart, he should."
"Will you just leave this alone already?"
Since it didn't look as if he would, I tried to change the subject again.
"Do you think you will be okay with Emma and me moving out? I mean you were really into moving in with me if I remember correctly."
"I wanted to be there for you for all of this, because believe me, it's gonna be hard. But it will get easier again and you won't need to have me around so much anymore. And I think this will be around the time when we both will start to think again about seeing someone."
"When do you think this will be?"
"From what I now, around the time you want to start to go to work again. Do you think you will be okay with living alone? I mean, you never have before."
No I haven't and I certainly didn't want to, but back then I was facing the ugly truth that I would have to eventually.
But I couldn't give the impression that it was a problem, so I put on a brave face and said, "Yes, it will be okay. It will be new, but it will be okay."
Ross seemed to have sensed that this wasn't quite the whole truth. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me seriously, as if he wanted me to understand very clearly what he was about to say.
"I just want you to know that there is no pressure whatsoever, Rachel. You can stay here as long as you want. Even if one of us has someone again, we will have to keep to certain rules, but we will make it work. Okay? I didn't mean to make you feel unwelcome."
I stepped into his embrace and leaned my face against his chest.
"I don't feel unwelcome, Ross. I really don't."
We stayed like this for a while, we actually hugged a lot in those times before Emma was born. I still needed the physical assurance of not being alone.
But with Ross, there wasn't any trace of anything sexual about it. We were just friends.
And I never needed a good friend more than in those times before Emma was born.
Every time I saw Joey I needed someone to cling to, someone to draw strength from. Although I never told Ross a thing about what had happened between Joey and me, he seemed to feel that I needed to be close to him every time Joey was there.
Seeing Joey made the pain of his betrayal cut through me like a knife. At the same time, seeing him made me want to throw myself into his arms and forget everything that happened.
I know these feelings from the time I broke up with Ross. The rage at him, the pain of being hurt like this, the urge to make everything go away, to make everything the way it was before.
Only this time, it was a hundred times worse. Because I couldn't tell anyone. Because I couldn't yell at him and hurt him the way he'd hurt me. Because I had to pretend everything was alright.
When I broke up with Ross, I had the pictures in my head of him and that copy shop girl together in bed. They nourished my anger for a very long time, they actually helped me to get through this.
I've tried that. I've tried to picture Joey with all those women he was going out with. I've tried to recall his cruel smirk when he threw those nasty words at me. But instead of giving me the strength to get over him, all I ever felt was an overwhelming sense of loss.
Now everything has changed – again.
I hadn't lost him. I'm not mad at him anymore. We're friends again.
If only this would be enough for me.
xxxxxxxxx
tbc
