A/N: Thanks to Stephanie for fast last-minute beta reading.


Chapter 7 - Joey - Part 2

Three months later

Rachel has her beauty day today. She was talking about that for a while now. About a day where she could get her hair done, get a facial, do all the stuff women like to do to feel good about themselves.

She wanted to go with Monica so I volunteered to take Emma for that day.

I can't believe how happy that made her. When I asked why she hadn't brought that up sooner, she told me she felt selfish for wanting to do something only for herself, something without the baby.

After seeing her with Emma for four months now, I can't comprehend why she still thinks of herself as bad mother. She is a great mother.

I told her so and I also assured her that it is normal to feel claustrophobic after spending more than four months mostly in one place. She was hugging me then, thanking me, telling me for the millionths time that she wouldn't know what to do without me, that she can't imagine not having me in her life.

It seems that as her friend, I can have all the affection from her, all the things I've always wanted and couldn't have as her lover. And although it hurts me deeply that I can't have both, the affection and the physical stuff, if I would have to choose, there would be no question what I would rather have, what makes me happier.

Since I don't care much about being in Ross' apartment without Rachel, because sometimes I get that feeling of claustrophobia there too, I decided to go to the coffeehouse to give Emma her bottle there .

When I walk into Central Perk, Gunther glares at me. That's the way he looks at me lately all the time. I still haven't figured out what I did wrong. Even bigger tips don't seem to help the situation.

"Hey Gunther, can I have a cappuccino and this bottle of milk warmed up for the lady please," I say as friendly as possible, putting a bottle of breast milk onto the counter.

Gunther takes the bottle and turns around without a word. Jerk.

Surprisingly enough, I haven't even comfortably settled into the armchair with Emma, when he brings both the bottle and the cappuccino. He puts the cup on the table and hands me the bottle wordlessly.

After testing the temperature I give the bottle to Emma and she drinks without any protest. Which I still find funny since Rachel can't get her to drink out of a bottle at all. It only works if it's Ross or me. Who can blame Emma, she probably knows exactly that with mommy, food comes in a real nice package.

If I were her… no. Not going there. I squash the thought as soon as it pops into my head. I've gotten quite good at this. As I said, I am happy with the way our relationship is now and that gives me the strength to govern the feelings, the needs that still arise in me sometimes. Maybe some day, they will be all gone. Until then, I only need to remind me how bad I felt back when we had this crazy… thing or whatever it was and that cures me of any inappropriate thoughts I might have.

"Aww, look at you two all cute!" I hear Phoebe gushing and I look up.

She sits down on the couch with Mike.

"Seriously Joey, you look great with a baby, every woman in this place wants to be the mother of your children."

"Phoebe, I am still here," Mike pipes up beside her.

"Oh yeah honey, I bet you'll look great with a baby, too."

They kiss and I look around to verify Phoebe's statement. Yup, she's right. I haven't even noticed. Heh. Women are victims of their biology as much as men. It's actually a pity that I'm not interested.

"So, who's the happy one?" asks Phoebe pointing at my hand.

Ahh crap, the ring. How do I explain that one to her?

"Soap opera digest says you're secretly married."

"I'm not, okay?"

"Then why are you wearing a wedding ring? Drake's not married either so don't even start with that."

"I'm in public with Emma a lot and… will you just look at them?" I whisper the last part indicating a group of giggling girls in the corner, who are apparently very much into my paternal qualities.

"So you pretend you're married to fend off all the girls?" Mike asks with a slight hint of irritation in his voice.

"Basically... yes."

It is more than that, though. When I told Rachel I'm off the market, it was the truth. I feel committed to her which of course, is quite sad in a way, since nothing will ever come out of this, but it is what this ring symbolizes for me. I understand now why people get married. Maybe some day I'll be able to put that ring back into a drawer and all my feelings for Rachel with it. Until then, I am not available.

"You realize that people think you're married to Rachel, don't you?"

No, I didn't realize that. Although it explains Gunther's behavior.

"This is crazy, she doesn't even have a ring."

"Joey, think about it. You are constantly seen around town with her baby and when the two of you are together you can cut the chemistry with a knife."

Just when I thought I was getting good at hiding my feelings.

"Seriously, if I wouldn't know better, I would say there is something going on between you two."

"There is nothing going on, Pheebs! This is ridiculous. We're friends, I'm helping out with the baby, that's all."

In this moment Gunther appears at the table. "You want another cappuccino?"

Well, at least I convinced him.

"Calm down, Joey. I wasn't saying there is, I'm just telling you what it looks like. I had a feeling you weren't aware of that."

"I don't care what it looks like. We're not doing anything wrong."

"I would say running around pretending to be married isn't exactly right either."

Mike again.

"I am not pretending to be anything. I just let people draw their own conclusions."

For the longest time Phoebe looks at me as if she wants to say something against that. But then she just shrugs.

"Whatever you say."


a few days later

"Rach, you coming? We're getting a little bored out here, waiting to get on the road."

"Just a sec, I have to make myself presentable."

With that, Rachel comes out of the bathroom, smiling brightly. "How do I look?"

Beautiful.

"Great. What were you worried about, youalways look great."

"Joey, flattery won't get you anywhere. Just tell me the truth. Do I look like I have a four months old baby?"

"Rachel, you look like the baby could be your little sister, but if you don't get going right now, the baby in question will start screaming and it will take at least two blocks for her to become quiet again. So if you want to go with us, move it."

Finally Rachel starts to hurry.

"So where do you usually go with her?"

"The park, mostly."

"Okay, so the park it is."

Her excitement is weird somehow. Today she suddenly decided she wanted to go with us, not using the free time to take a nap or to do something for herself. And since then she behaved as if she's going to the prom.

I'm not even that glad about her coming with us, because I have no idea what we're gonna talk about. There are a lot of things we probably should talk about, but I'd rather not go there, since everything is just so nice at the moment. On the other hand, I have no idea if we can steer clear of all the awkward topics for the duration of a whole walk in the park.

"So, what's up with all the excitement, Rachel? It's just the park."

She seems to have to think about that for a long time.

"It's just … about a year ago I met this friend of mine from high school. Ross knows her too. She just had a baby and she looked … she looked awful. Like she didn't even care anymore how she looked. Her baby was all cute and dressed nicely and everything, but she looked like hell. Back then I thought that if I ever gonna have a baby, I would take care of myself, I wouldn't let it come to this. And … remember, two months ago, I was exactly where she was."

"Maybe looks aren't as important as you think, Rach."

"No Joey, you don't understand. It's not about me being vain or shallow or something. I have a beautiful baby and I am happy about having her. Why should I look like this was the worst thing that could've happened to me?"

That makes sense.

"Well, if you still wanna know, you look beautiful. You look like having this baby was the best thing that ever happened to you."

"Thank you, Joey" she says, smiling happily at me and I find myself smiling back at her.

"Oh look, what a beautiful little baby!" an elderly woman with a thick British accents gushes while looking adoringly at Emma.

Rachel looks a bit surprised. I am not. Walking around with Emma for the last months made me get used to talking with old ladies and young mothers about Emma.

"Yeah, isn't she," I say proudly.

It's not that I want to make people believe I am something I'm not. If people ask me, I always tell them she's not my daughter, but I still feel happy when even strangers see in her what I see. A totally lovable, beautiful little girl.

The lady keeps cooing at Emma. "You are such a lucky little girl to have parents who love you and each other so much. One doesn't see that too often anymore these days."

Right now, I wish for the ground to open up and swallow me cause I can't stand the thought that my love for Rachel is written that visibly all over my face. The thought that my best kept secret is now out in the open terrifies me.

Rachel doesn't say anything and I slowly start to panic when one scenario after the other pops into my head and makes me fear that I'm again going to lose everything that's important to me.

"That old lady really bought your act, didn't she?"

Thank God she interpreted it this way.

"Yeah, I'm a terrific actor, am I?" I joke, unbelievably relieved.

"Yeah, you are …terrific."


a few weeks later

Ross is seeing someone.

Some girl named Charlie who is a fellow dinosaur expert. He keeps raving about her all the time and is apparently really into her. Three days ago he thanked me for keeping Rachel company and helping with Emma, since this way he doesn't have to feel bad for spending time with Charlie.

I asked Rachel, if she's okay with Ross having a girlfriend again and surprisingly enough, Rachel seemed to be happy for Ross. She said she is glad he finally found someone who shares his enthusiasm about all the stuff we were making fun of on a regular basis. Someone who he can talk to on the same level.

I never thought about it that way, but now that she said that, it occurs to me that the two of them didn't really have much in common at all.

I'm not sure if that's a necessity for a successful relationship, but if it is, Rachel and I would be great together. I can barely remember why I was worried at first that we wouldn't have anything to talk about. We have.

I love it when she talks about her high school years and tells all the stories of Monica, Ross and Chandler that I heard from them somewhat different. The stuff about her work gets more and more interesting with everything I learn about what she does.

But it's not like she the one who does all the talking. She is taking great interest in what I have to say, too.

There is my work that fascinates her beyond reason. She can't get enough of the anecdotes from the set or the gossip about my co-stars. And she likes to hear all the stories about my family. Having two sisters herself, she obviously can't comprehend how someone can grow up around seven of them without going crazy.

Rachel is planning on going back to work in January. A few days ago Ross and Rachel hired a nanny to take care of Emma, since it's already the beginning of December.

The nanny is with Emma right now so Rachel and I are at Central Perk, reading and sipping our coffee.

"What do you think of her?"

Since I was just leafing somewhat unenthusiastically through the newest 'Playboy' I'm not quite sure who she means.

"Who?"

"Molly. The nanny."

It surprises me that Rachel wants my opinion until it occurs to me she might not want me to tell her what I think of the nanny professionally. Better ask. "As a woman or as a nanny?"

"As a nanny of course," Rachel chides, mockingly exasperated.

She really wants to know what I think of her abilities as a nanny. For some reason, that feels great.

"Emma likes her and she seems to know what she's doing. I guess she's okay."

Rachel nods, contemplating what I said for a while and then looks at me mischievously. "And as a woman?"

A smirk spreads over my face. I knew it. "Oh, you wanna know that too, huh?"

"Just tell me."

"Well, she is pretty, seems to be smart. Not my type though."

Shit, why can't I think about what I say before it comes out of my mouth? She is certainly gonna ask what my type would be.

"So what's your type?"

You.

"Uh …I'm just not so much into blondes I guess."

I can almost watch how she's mentally compiling a list of all blonde girls I ever went out with. Time to change the subject.

"Rach, I was meaning to ask you something."

I really was, but now seemed like an excellent time to ask.

"Shoot."

"When you'll work again and the nanny takes care of Emma, I will hardly see her anymore. So …"

My courage to ask her that question suddenly leaves me. I know it's a very unusual request. Something most people would even consider inappropriate. There is a good chance that even Rachel would perceive it that way.

"What is it?"

Looks like it's too late to back out now.

"Do you think it would be okay if Molly brings her over for one or two hours a day?"

Rachel looks surprised but since she's smiling, I think she's positively surprised.

"Of course it's okay. It's …"

"What?"

"It's so amazing that she means so much to you. You have no idea how happy that makes me."

"Why's that?"

"Because I love her and I love … and you are my friend, so it's so great that you love her too."

She smiles at me and then places a chaste kiss on my cheek. I take her in my arms and we sit like that until Molly comes back with Emma.

xxxxx

tbc