Chapter Eight - Rachel

Joey and I are sitting on the couch in Ross' apartment. Emma is in my room taking a nap.
We are talking about what we plan to do the next day when Joey suddenly says:
"Rachel, I can't keep quiet about that anymore, I love you."
"Oh Joey, I love you too."
"Then why are we fighting this? You know, you want it to happen as much as I do. I want you. I need you. Let me make love to you."
"Oh Joey, yes. I've waited so long for that."
And then he kisses me. We lay down onto the couch and his kisses are melting me with their all consuming passion and he touches me and …

"Rachel, have you seen the documents I brought from work yesterday?"

Damn you, Ross! Can't a woman have a little peace around here while having completely inappropriate daydreams about her … friend?

"No, haven't seen them," I reply, trying to get my breathing under control.

"Rachel, are you okay? You look like you have a fever or something."

Well, I am feeling a bit hot right now. Not that this is any of his business. Okay, maybe it is. It is nice of him to be so attentive, so concerned for me. It just irritates me sometimes because sometimes it is bordering on patronizing.

"I'm okay. I worked out before feeding Emma so I guess I'm still a bit out of breath."

"Trying to get that flat stomach back, are you? But you know, no hard work out right before breastfeeding, it makes the milk taste bad."

See, like now.
Never in a million years would Joey even dream of saying something like that.

It's these moments that make me want to move out as soon as possible.
These and the ones when Charlie is here and it is more than obvious they would like to have some privacy but can't since Emma and I are there the whole time.
But I don't want to move in somewhere alone. I want a roommate again. A roommate who is a good friend. A friend who loves my daughter. I want a roommate whose name is Joey Tribbiani.

I have no idea if he would want that again but before I can even think of asking him, I have to talk to Ross about it. This decision affects Emma as much as me, so Ross and I will have to make this decision together, even if I would rather make it alone.

He shuffles around in the apartment a bit more before exclaiming,

"Hey, I found them!"

Thank God.

"I just have to drop off these documents at work, I'll be back in an hour, two at most."

"No plans with Charlie tonight?"

"Well, Joey told me he has to work tonight so I figured you wouldn't want to be alone and I cancelled my date with Charlie."

I'm just about to tell him that there is no need whatsoever to do that since once in a while I like to be alone, when it occurs to me that this might be the perfect opportunity for me to talk to Ross about my plans and to get him to approve.

"Okay, see you then."

"Bye Rachel, bye Emma."

Then he's out the door and I can go back to my daydreams.

They're all very similar. Joey says he loves me, I say I love him and then we have sex. Great sex, the way it always was. These dreams usually leave me ready to explode and sometimes after I put Emma in her bed I go to bed myself to finish what I started.

The dreams always start while I'm breastfeeding and yes I'm aware of the fact how sick that sounds.
But I read in one of the books about breastfeeding that for some women it is a very sensual experience. It has something to do with – what else – hormones. At first I couldn't even remotely understand what they were talking about but after a few months I started to experience this myself.

When I brought it up in the mother and child group I'm attending sometimes, quite a few of the women there admitted to feel that too. The midwife who leads the group told us that our bodies are trying to tell us that we're ready to have a physical relationship with our significant others again. Turns out, regardless of what their bodies were or were not telling them, most of the women of the group already had sex again. Or, to be more precise, I was the only one who hadn't.

"Honey, don't push yourself into anything you're not ready for," said the ever understanding midwife.

"I knew women who needed a year before they were able to let their husbands anywhere near them again."

Problem is, I am ready. I'm just all out of significant others right now.

Not that it looks that way from the outside.

Joey and I are constantly mistaken for a married couple thanks to the wedding ring Joey started to wear in public when he first helped out with Emma.
Lately he is wearing the ring even when we're alone, I guess he just got used to it so he forgets to take it off. It's actually kind of nice.

Normally, when people hear you're a single mother, even if you tell them the father of the child is a great help and really involved in the child's life, all you ever get is pity.
This way, I get compliments for my beautiful baby and I like that a lot better.

When we're together, it feels like we three are a real family. I know he wouldn't want me to say that, but he is like a father to Emma. And although she is only six months old, it doesn't take an expert to see that she adores him, too.

If Joey would love me, if we would be a couple this could be the only way for this relationship to work.
I could never be in a relationship with a man who wouldn't be able to accept my child as a part of our life, who wouldn't love her. Even the thought of being with somebody who sees Emma as an annoyance he has to endure if he wants to be with me makes me sick.
So it is not like Joey would replace Ross in Emma's life but he could be the one who is the man in the life of her mother.

Yeah, wishful thinking.

Ross and I are a whole other story. We are sort of sharing Emma. Either he has her, or I have. Which is totally okay because this will definitely be the way things will have to work in the future. And surprisingly enough, they do. Emma seems to know that mommy goes whenever daddy takes her and she seems to be okay with it. It is a miracle how this tiny person already seems to understand the inner workings of the family she was born into.

She likes Charlie and Charlie is actually great with her and I'm happy about that. One would expect me to be jealous but I'm not. If Ross manages to make that relationship with Charlie work long term - and I can really see that - it couldn't be any other way.

So back to Joey.

Joey is amazing. I mean I knew he is a great guy, sweet and caring and … well there were a lot of reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.
But since Emma's birth I learned so many other things about him I think I love him a little bit more each day.

First thing is the way he is with Emma. I was so happy he wanted to help that day when he first came over but didn't dare to hope it would be more than 'crisis management'. Imagine my surprise when he kept coming over.
Even when the first hard months with Emma were behind me and I had developed a reliable routine with her, he was still there. Sometimes to help, sometimes to go with us on a walk, but sometimes just to play with Emma or to keep me company.

Never before had we talked so much, learned so much about each other's lives than in these months. With every talk we had it was harder for me to fathom why I ever perceived him as stupid or shallow. He knows so much more about life and people than I ever will. Hell, he even knew more about pregnancies and babies than I did.

For some reason he likes it when people underestimate him. I repeatedly caught him playing dumb when we're together with the group. He appeared to have never had heard about things the two of us had been talking about just hours ago. I even tried to point that out once, but he silenced me with a very resolute glare.
As I asked him about that later he smirked.

"Hey, I am hot, I get all the girls, I have a job I'm passionate about and I'm not even stupid. Where would that leave Chandler?"

"Seriously Joey, why are you doing this, I can't believe you're doing it for Chandler?"

"Not only for him. Everyone seemed to like me that way when I first moved in with Chandler and was all naïve and stuff. So over the time, I played that up a bit, that's all. I mean, I really didn't know who Albert Einstein was."

Even if he was extremely cocky when he talked about himself, I couldn't argue with the part about him being hot.
Because having him around all the time brings me back to the state of mind I was in when I first made a move on him. It took awhile for these needs to awaken again but they're back full force. And I have no idea how to handle them.
The daydreams are actually some kind of relief for me. I can focus my sexual energy on them instead of undressing Joey with my eyes every time I see him.

I have no clue why he brings that out in me so strongly. Well, I have in a way, but it is not only about being in love because I've been in love before and I've never felt this raw need that almost knocks me over every time I only so much as look at him.

I think I can even pinpoint the exact moment when I realized that I am in the same sort of trouble again that almost made me lose him before.
It was New Years Eve at Monica and Chandler's.

They had told everyone to bring a date, so I had already resigned myself to not getting kissed when the ball dropped, because I, of course, came alone.

Surprisingly enough, Joey came without a date too. Although if I really think about it, I can't remember one single moment in the last six months, when I had the impression he was seeing someone. Strange. And great somehow since that spared me a lot of pointless jealousy.

Anyway, a few minutes before midnight, when everyone already paired up, Joey came to me, looking around himself.

"Looks like we're the last remaining single ones."

A flash of excitement ran through me. Could he really …?

"Yeah, it does."

The only thought that was racing through my mind back then was that I would do everything to get to kiss him. Really kiss him.

"Do you think it would be okay for us again to … you know … to kiss when the ball drops?"

If I would have been honest, I would've had to tell him no. It will never be okay for me again as long as I know that a kiss is the only thing I'll ever get from him.

But like always when it comes to Joey, willpower completely failed me and I said, "Yeah, I guess it would be alright."

"Okay."

I asked myself if he would be disappointed if he knew about the heat spreading out from deep within my belly, encompassing my whole body, leaving me short of breath.
I wondered if he would rethink his decision if he knew how the countdown felt like foreplay to me, waking a desire that startled me with it's intensity, bringing me to a point where I had to rely solely on him to break the kiss again because I knew beyond a doubt that I wouldn't be able to.

Maybe he did know all of that because he was the one drawing back first, giving me a look that unmistakably said 'no'.

"Happy New Year, Rachel" he said warmly, the look in his eyes softening again.

"Happy New Year, Joey."

I remembered the New Years Eve four years ago when he asked me if his kiss did anything for me.

Well, this one did, Joey. This one did more for me than you would ever want to know.


I will go back to work in a few days.

We worked out a schedule on which days Joey will come over here to spend the evening with Emma and me and on which days Molly is going to bring Emma to him.
I hope we won't to do that for too long because everything would be so much easier if I were to live with Joey again.

Ross came back from work half an hour ago. We have comfortably settle on the couch and talk about our day.
Mostly about his day, because mine was as uneventful as ever. Especially since I haven't seen Joey today.

"Uhm…Ross, I was meaning to talk to you about something important."

Ross gets serious in an instant.
"What is it, Rachel?"

"Ross I didn't say it's something bad, I said it's important."

His expression relaxes noticeably.
"Okay good, so, what is it?"

"Remember how we talked about me moving out sometime?"

"Yeah. You want to move out?"

I try to judge the look on his face but I don't have the impression that this would be a problem for him.

"Yes, I want to Ross. I mean you're with Charlie now and …"

"Rachel, you remember that I said you shouldn't feel pressured about me seeing someone. We can make this work. It worked so far. I …"

It wasn't my intention to make Ross feel guilty. I have to find another way to make him see it would be good for me to move out.

"No, Ross, you seeing Charlie has actually nothing to do with it. I was just trying to make a selling point for my wanting to move out."

"Do you have a place already you want to move in to?"

Okay, there is no other way than just say it.

"I was thinking about asking Joey if I can move in with him again."

Ross looks puzzled.
"But that would mean just changing roommates. I mean, not that I have something against this but wasn't the point of you moving out that you can have your own place, that you can be on your own?"

I'm glad he seems to be okay with it, I just wished I wouldn't have to explain the why.

"I don't want to be on my own, Ross. And I loved living with Joey. I mean it was great living with you, but Joey and I lived together for years and … I … I just want to try to go back there."

In more ways than one.

"You two were really close the last months. Is there something going on between you two?"

Oops. And … I wish.

"Oh no. No. No no no no. Nothing's going on. Nothing. We're just friends."

Yeah, that has to convince him. Especially the bazillion no's.

Ross seems a bit startled at my outburst and then shrugs.
"Okay Rachel, whatever you say."

He looks at me as if he expects me to say anything.
"Have you asked him already?" he asks finally.

"No, I wanted to ask you first."

He shrugs again, convincing me by his casual behavior that this doesn't bother him at all.

"Like I said, I have nothing against this. Joey is my friend, he is great with Emma and you two seem to go along great. And you already lived together, so …why not."

Okay, I took that hurdle and it was easier than I thought. Next step would be to ask Joey. And Idon't haveeven the slightest clue how to do that.


Two weeks later

Today is our third officially scheduled 'Joey, Rachel and Emma' evening and I promised myself that today I won't chicken out of asking Joey if I can move in with him again.

This situation is ridiculous. I'm sharing Emma with two men now, then there is Molly. This whole back and forth can't be good for her.

My not asking Joey is getting ridiculous as well. Ross always asks me what Joey said and I always have to tell him I haven't talked with him about it yet. It was understandable at first because we really talked a lot about my job and how everything has changed and stuff. But the last time I just kept my mouth shut, knowing very well that I had the opportunity to ask.

Every time I start to say something, I get a frog in my throat.
It's because I also want to tell him something else.

Because lately I find myself thinking a lot about just telling Joey how I feel, finding out if he is where I am. I mean, if he isn't, I would know for sure. I could start to move on, I could get my head free for my child and my work. Maybe I could get over him one day and then I could really call him my friend again.

I should tell him. If I only wouldn't be so scared.
But one step at a time. First I have to tell him I want to move in with him again.

"Uhm … Joey, I wanted to ask you something."

Joey puts Emma down in her playpen, telling her he will be back in a minute, sits down beside me and lets me see that I have his undivided attention.
"Okay, shoot."

"I'm thinking about moving out here."

That clearly takes him by surprise.

"Whoa … wha …why, what's with you and Ross? I mean, just because he's dating someone else doesn't mean …"
I can't believe he still thinks there might be something happening with Ross and me again. I have to tell him it's over once and for all.

"Joey, Ross and I are over. There is no getting back together. I don't love him anymore and he doesn't love me. We talked about that, we made our peace with what's in the past. He is with Charlie now. You should see them together. I could definitely see the two of them going somewhere. I think he loves her. I mean, they're seeing each other for almost two months now and he hasn't even proposed yet."

That gets a smile out of Joey.

"So you're really okay with this?"

"You already asked me that question."

"I know, I just wanted to check again."

"What I am not okay with is the fact that I am starting to get in their way, that Ross is almost never in his own apartment anymore because his ex-wife is living there, making it impossible for him to spend time with his girlfriend. And spending time with his girlfriend at her place means not spending it with his daughter, which is also stupid. Also, there are things about him that I will never get used to."

"What things?"

I say the first thing that pops into my head.
"I am not allowed to throw wet paper towels."

Crap, I hadn't meant for it to come out this way. Joey looks puzzled, maybe he won't notice.

But since he isn't as slow as everybody thinks, he gets it sooner than I manage to come up with something to say to his next question.

"You want to live with me again?"

He doesn't look happy about this. On the contrary.

"Joey … I am … I am thinking about it, yeah. I mean, this way, the three of us could be together all the time, we wouldn't have to drag Emma around like this. You're so great with her and everything, this way you just would have to go to the other room to see her. And we're friends again, right? I think it could work, I think it could be great."

So, I probably shouldn't have said that thing about us being friends again. But judging from the way he looks right now, anything else would've been way too much for him. And I want to live with him again so badly, if it would mean just being friends, maybe I could even go through with that.

"I don't know … I don't know…"

I knew I would have to convince him but I didn't think it would be so hard. I didn't imagine him pacing back and forth through the apartment, running his hand through his hair time and time again, shaking his head and looking for all the world as if I asked him to give up his apartment and live on the streets.

"Look, Joey, I know this is a lot. You don't have to say anything right now. Think about it and when you know what you want, tell me."

He takes a deep breath, shaking his head again, then he turns on his heel, grabs his jacket and leaves, murmuring an almost inaudible 'bye' on his way out.

Needless to say, I didn't imagine this at all.

xxxxxxx

tbc