Chapter Nine - Joey

She wants to move in with me again.

Four hours ago she told me that and since then I can't think about anything else. Not that thinking about it brought me anywhere. I have honestly no idea what to think about that. I wish I could talk to someone, ask Chandler, or even Ross. I suppose I could, but for them to give me a really good advice about the problem, they would have to know about what happened between Rachel and me and this I can't tell them.

Ever.

So I'm thinking in circles again. Why does she really want this?

Does it really just have to do with Ross' new relationship and the fact that she wants to get out of his and Charlie's way? Or the fact that she wants the three of us to be close because that worked so great in the past six months? Or the fact that we are friends and it should be no problem for us to live together again?

If this were all there is, the decision would be easy. I would be happy to live with her and the little one. I would love to.

But I sense - no, I know - that there is something else. I don't know when it started again, but I know the way she looks at me sometimes, when she thinks I don't see it. When she hugs me, I can feel that she wants more than that. I also feel that she is trying to hold herself back and I respect that. Problem is, if she fails at that just once, I won't be there to stop her. I know I wouldn't be able to. We would get right back into the problems I thought we had left behind.

For the longest time I was sure that now, I could just say no. I was convinced that although I'm still in love with her, some sense of self-preservation would prevent me form getting weak again. I was getting so sure about my ability to resist her, that I suggested that kiss on New Years Eve.

It was a stupid situation they put us in because we were the only single people in the room. Okay so they told us to bring a date but I knew Rachel wouldn't bring anyone and I couldn't do it to her to show up with some girl and let her be the only single one at that party. I knew the kissing thing would be inevitable. Not kissing her would have raised a lot more eyebrows than kissing her did. This way, no one noticed anything.

But I did. I noticed that Rachel lied to me about being okay with kissing me again. I noticed the heat coming off her in waves, noticed her excitement and I noticed what it did to me to know that she still wants me so much. I noticed that she started kissing me before the ball dropped and that all my defenses were crumbling around me only from the feeling of her lips against mine. I'm still glad I managed to stop it. But I know for sure that if there were a next time, I couldn't.

What I still don't understand is the disappointment, the sadness I saw in her eyes afterwards. Because the way it looks to me, she can have every guy she wants. She isn't pregnant anymore, she can date again. Nothing is holding her back, really. I don't understand why it still has to be me. Why she still looks at me that way, with those hungry looks I almost dreaded before.

But maybe, possibly, I have it all wrong. Maybe her sexual energy is focused on me because I am the only available man in her life right now. Just the way it was when she was pregnant.

Yeah, that has to be it. She can't actually date again because she is living with Ross. And even if she says they're over, she wouldn't be comfortable bringing a date home when he is around. I mean, he obviously feels awkward about bringing Charlie to his place because Rachel is there, it will be the very same if it's her who brings someone. And I know she still doesn't want do spend a night away from Emma.

So she probably thinks since it was always okay in the past, her bringing someone home when she'll live with me again would be okay. Added benefit would be that she is out of Ross' way and we can spend time together with Emma like we did in the past months.

Everything would be just perfect if it weren't for the fact that I would probably break every guy's neck who comes in here, touching my girl.

I know I have no right to feel that way but I've long since given up on trying to reason with my heart. I thought that one day, I would just stop feeling that way. But I'm sure that won't ever happen with her being here all the time. Because as selfish as it sounds, I need my time away from her. I need time to unwind and decompress, finding an outlet for all the suppressed feelings once in a while; time for wallowing in self pity; time for hanging in the lounger, thinking of the time we did it there; time for touching myself, groaning her name when I come.

I can't tell her that. I can't tell her any of that without revealing what I feel for her. Sometimes I think maybe I should.
I mean, if she wants to live with me, I should let her know what she's getting herself into. She probably wouldn't want to live with me anyway, if she knew about my feelings. But what if … what if …

Good God, can't at least that one leave me alone already? Foolish, pointless and agonizing hope? Hope that is always fueling all the other emotions I just want to go away. Hope that prevents me from being genuinely happy about what Rachel and I have now. It's been almost a year. There should be no hope. It is utterly and undisputable hopeless.

Chandler is knocking on my door. At least I think it's him although it would be weird for him to knock … or to come over ten minutes before midnight for that matter.

I open up and in the door stands Rachel.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course, Rach, what is it? Something wrong? What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

"Nothing's wrong Joey. I just … couldn't sleep and I saw that your light was still on and I …" She sighs sadly and continues.

"Joey, when you ran out the door like that before I thought you were mad at me. I can't stand the thought of you being mad at me."

Why does she have to look at me like that? As if I'm the single most important person to her, as if it would turn her world upside down if I were to be mad at her. It's those looks that keep the hope alive. I don't want to hope anymore.

"I'm not mad at you, Rach. I just needed to think."

Rachel sits down on the kitchen counter, fidgeting nervously with a pen that was lying there.

"I know I said you can take as long as you need for your decision, but I have to know. I need to know what you're thinking."

If only I knew.

"I'm not done thinking, Rachel. You sure you want to be roommates again?"

The pen is shaking in her hand. I take it from her and placing it on the counter eloquently. That makes her look up at me surprised and almost a bit frightened.

"Tell me."

She slowly reaches for my hand, taking it firmly into hers. "I was hoping we could be more than just roommates."

I recoil sharply, ripping my hand violently out of her grasp. She can't be serious. She can't possibly want to start that again, now that we managed to salvage our friendship. I can feel the anger at her suggestion bubbling up to the surface.

"No, no absolutely not, Rachel. We're not going down that road again – ever."

"What road, Joey? I was trying to say…" she says looking at me with pleading eyes.

Oh no, I'm not gonna fall for that one again.

"I know what you were trying to say. But like I said, it's not gonna happen again."

"What is not gonna happen, Joey?", she asks getting visibly frustrated.

I am beyond being frustrated, I'm seething.

"I'm not gonna be your fuck buddy again."

That stops the tears I could already see welling up in her eyes and her face contorts into a grimace of unmasked rage.

"You're still thinking that you … you … you brainless idiot?"

Looks like I finally have my answer to the question what she is really feeling about me.

"Give me one reason not to!"

Of course there is none. There never was.

"I can't believe I wasted my time on you like that," she spits back at me while leaving the apartment, slamming the door shut forcefully behind her.

You just go, don't hit your ass on your way out.

The first thing to feel my anger is the ring, that I take off and throw through the room furiously. Then I reach for the nearest ketchup bottle.

xxxx

tbc