Chapter Eleven - Joey

This has to be the most pathetic thing I ever did. The woman I am so much in love with just told me that she loves me back and everything I can do is sitting here on the floor and weeping like a baby.

Not that I'm not happy. It's just like I'm feeling too much right now. All the pain, the anger the guilt, every negative emotion I felt over the last year comes crashing down around me and is forcefully replaced by a happiness more joyful than I've ever experienced. It is like eating a lot of pizzas after starving for weeks. I just hope I'm not gonna be sick.

Rachel is kneeling beside me, softly stroking my cheek and telling me over and over again how much she loves me. I'm glad she does that because it doesn't feel real. After all the things I did to her, after all the mean things I said, she still loves me.

"I'm sorry, Rachel. For everything I did to you. For all the stupid things I said. I am so sorry."

"Shh, it's okay sweety. Just … just don't do it again, okay."

"I … I won't I swear. God I was such an idiot. I've really messed that up, didn't I?"

"You weren't the only one messing things up. I should have said something. I am so sorry I didn't. Instead of just … you know … doing stuff … I should have talked to you. Maybe we would've been able to figure it out together. I am sorry I was such a coward, I am sorry I didn't even try."

Looks like we are both sorry. And I guess she is right, we both made mistakes. I'll try to keep that in mind for future reference. If I'm ever going to be mad at her again, maybe I will just take a step back and look at the problem from her point of view.
Well, there I go, thinking about relationship stuff. She changed me without me even noticing. Not that I'm complaining.

"So you want us to get it right this time?" I ask her after getting a grip. I've almost forgotten how much it warms my heart to see her smile.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"Wanna move in tomorrow, bring Emma with you, be roommates again?"
I know I shouldn't rush into a relationship like that but the thought of living with her again, of having Emma around, of being able to see Rachel again every day without having to hide what I feel for her makes me dizzy with excitement. I can only hope I didn't freak her out.

"I was hoping for a little more than roommates," she says cautiously.

In that moment it hits me how badly I had misunderstood her intentions when she was first telling me this a few weeks ago.

"…but that's your call."

"God, Rachel. I am so sorry I said all those things to you last time. I was thinking …"

"It's …. it's okay Joey, really. I think I know now what you were thinking. And it was my fault too. I should've been clearer about what I felt, what I wanted."

"What do you want now, Rach? Please tell me, because I really don't want us to screw that up again."

"I want … " she pauses for a moment collecting her thoughts. "I want to be your girlfriend. I want the two of us to have a serious relationship. I want to sleep in your bed every night and wake up beside you every morning. I want us to give Emma a home where she feels loved. I … I want Emma and you to be the most important people in my life."
She lowers her eyes and looks at her hands probably thinking that she freaked me out.

I lift her chin up so that she can see I really mean what I'm about to say. "I want that too, Rach. All of that and then some. …. I love you."

And then I kiss her. God those lips! I can hardly remember why I had myself convinced that kissing her was a bad thing.
Her mouth is trembling under mine but she doesn't kiss me back.
When I pull back to look at her she is flushed and shaking, her pupils are so dilated her eyes almost seem black. I saw these signs often enough to know that she is going crazy with need. I wonder why she isn't doing anything.

Just when I am about to ask what's wrong, I remember something she said before.
Something about doing stuff instead of talking. Something about always throwing herself at me.
In my unbelievable idiocy I was doing something to the woman I am in love with that I never did to any other woman before. I made her feel needy and unwanted. I even made her beg.
I am so ashamed of myself right now, I have half a mind to dig myself a hole somewhere and hide for the rest of my life.
But I guess this would be the easy way out. What I have to do is to show her exactly how much she is wanted.

I place a trail of kisses along her jawline up to her ear. When I trace the outline of her ear with my tongue she gasps but still doesn't move.
"I want to make love to you Rachel," I whisper into her ear. Then I grab her around her waist and pull her onto my lap. "I want to feel your skin against mine, I want to be inside of you, I want to make you feel good."

The moment I run out of things to say she kisses me. Only a short kiss on the lips.
"You're done talking?" she asks and my first thought is she thinks I was talking too much and she wants me to stop. But then I realize she is really asking, she wants to know if it is okay for her to 'do stuff'.

She has no idea how glad I am I can shut up now. "Yup, done."

And then we're kissing, groping each other clumsily, tugging at our clothes frustrated. There is no finesse or sensuality - only two people who can't get enough of one another and on top of that - hadn't had sex for far too long. With the way she touches me – everywhere - and presses her body flush against mine I guess I'm gonna be lucky if I even make it out of my pants without embarrassing myself.

Rachel isn't that far behind me either. She still reacts strongly to my slightest touch.
I have to admit that I sometimes suspected she was overacting for my benefit but since there is no need whatsoever to do this anymore, I guess this is real. Like she said, it's all me. This realization alone is enough to bring me dangerously close to the edge.
My heartbeat pounds in my ears and then there is shouting. Who is shouting while I'm making out with Rachel?

Oh, it's Chandler. And the pounding … is also Chandler knocking on the door to the apartment. At least he had the decency not to come barging in since we hadn't locked the door.

"Rachel, I just wanna tell you that Emma is awake."

Rachel looks as frustrated as I feel. "Just a sec … I'm coming."
"Or at least I would have been," she mutters under her breath while climbing off my lap.

My passion clouded brain needs a few seconds to process what she just said but then I can barely breathe because I'm laughing so hard. And so does Rachel.
So we both just went from a crying jag to blood boiling passion and then to hysteric laughter in under 30 minutes. And if Rachel's appearance is any indication, there is no way in hell Chandler and Monica won't notice.

Who cares. She looks all sorts of beautiful with her puffy eyes, red cheeks and swollen lips. She always does.
I remember all the times I looked at her while she was still living with me. When she came out of her bedroom in the morning, without make up and with unkempt hair all I could think was 'She is the most beautiful woman there ever was'.
Even in those really bad times when I was hurting so much, it always calmed me down somehow, always gave me a bit of inner peace just to be able to be there looking at her.


"How do we look," asks Rachel when she is done straightening up her hair and clothes.

I can't help but grin. "Like we just cried and laughed and made out."

"This is not good enough."

"Hey baby, you look beautiful and besides, do you really think Chandler and Monica don't know? There is no way Chandler would have knocked first if he hadn't suspected something."

"Well, I guess you're right. Let's go get my baby."

She takes my hand and holds it tightly smiling up to me and we make our way over to the other apartment.

When we step into Monica and Chandler's apartment, they're both standing there grinning at us like they just won the jackpot. Monica carries Emma and what would have had the potential to be a very awkward silence is soon interrupted by Emma calling for her mother.

"Oh sweety, there you are. Mommy missed you so much, come here." Rachel lets go of my hand and takes Emma from Monica.

"Uhm Rachel, I guess we need to change Emma's diapers. Wanna come to the nursery to show me how you do that? You know, I have to learn all this stuff."

Yeah, as if Monica doesn't know that already. Chandler is always complaining that a man of his age still has to 'play with dolls' in all those Lamaze classes Monica makes him go to with her.
Rachel winks at me over her shoulder and takes off with Monica. Guess there will be some girl talk taking place in that room. And Chandler looks as if some boy talk is about to take place too.

"So, you two had a nice … uhm …conversation?" Chandler asks with feigned innocence.

"You could say that. I guess the both of you already know about the details, right?"

"Well, we sort of got all of the yelling, but the last part was a bit … muffled."

"There wasn't much talking in the last part," I say, getting a bit uncomfortable. Not only because remembering what took place a few minutes before makes my blood rush south again, but also because telling Chandler about what just happened between me and Rachel feels so new and strange somehow. I never had any inhibitions about talking about stuff like this before, now it feels like sharing something really intimate.

"You're not even gonna say Thank You to your old pal who made that happen?"

I raise an inquisitive eyebrow at him. "For not keeping your mouth shut about a secret I told you?"

"You think you guys would have eventually figured it out on your own?"

I don't even wanna think about what the two of us would have been able to do to each other in the future if Chandler would've kept quiet.
"Maybe, maybe not. Probably not. How long have you known?"

"That would be about…" Chandler appears to have to think about that really hard, "… yeah, I guess about half an hour ago."

That's unexpected. I thought Chandler was meddling because he knew something.
Chandler shrugs, looking a bit guilty. "I figured it out only after I accidentally spilled your secret to Rachel."

I chuckle. And this man thinks he is so smart.

"Of course now everything seems to be so obvious, but I had no clue. If I had known about that sooner, I surely would've said something already. I'd never thought that you two …I mean you and your holy rules of friendship and ex-girlfriends and best friend's relatives. The possibility of Rachel and you never even crossed my mind. "

"Hey, I'm still serious about those rules," I try to defend myself. "They just keep going out the window when you're crazy about someone. When you're falling in love."

He looks at me surprised. "You're in love with her?"

"Of course I am," I reply still defensive, "You think I would've gone through all this madness because of some meaningless fling?"

"But you went out with all these women."

"Nothing ever happened."

"WHAT?"

"I was too embarrassed to tell you but … nothing happened."

"Ever? Not one single time?"

"Nope, not once."

"Come on Joe, I can't believe this! It's you for Christ's sake. You're Joey."

"What's that supposed to mean? That I'm some male slut who can't control himself or something?"

Now I'm getting a bit irritated. Not even Rachel was making such a fuss about it although it seemed to be a big thing for her too. Which I can understand. After what I had gone through I started to understand why Ross' 'We were on a break' excuse never seemed to cut it with Rachel. Chandlers disbelief on the other hand is almost insulting.

"No, no, sorry Joey. I didn't mean that. It is just … It has to be almost ten months or something. That would've driven even me nuts."

"There were other things driving me nuts during that time."

He stares at me, obviously drawing a blank. Maybe an example will help.
"Try to imagine you and Monica breaking up because you said something stupid and you think that she hates you now but you still love her. Would your first priority be to sleep with other women in the meantime?"

His answer comes more quickly than I would've thought. "No, definitely not."

"And then when you would start to become friends again and you would hope against hope that she might return your feelings for her, would you take another woman to your bed?"

"No, that would be just wrong."

"And when one day out of the blue, just when you think she hates you again, she tells you that she loves you, that she always did, even when you were a complete and utter idiot, would you ever so much as look at somebody else again?"

He looks at me smiling and I can see that there is no need for me to explain myself further.
"You realize how deep you're in, don't you buddy?"

"I do. Weird thing is, it feels as if this is what I was always looking for."

"Does she know how serious this is for you?"

"I think so. I sort of told her."

"Sort of?" He shakes his head almost sadly.
"Well, Joey. Let me tell you something from my inexhaustible amount of experience in the field of long lasting relationships: Regardless of what women may think of themselves, they can't read minds. They don't know what you feel, unless you specifically tell them. They don't complain all the time of men being unable to communicate their feelings because they want to hear constantly how much we love them, they just don't understand us.
They are so full of themselves about being the sensible and emotional ones but when it comes down to it, a woman could stand right in front of you looking into your eyes and she wouldn't be able to tell if you hate her or love her."

Matches with my experience. Life would be so much easier if it would work this way.

"So, long story short – tell her. Never assume, never think or guess or suppose – just speak. Tell her twice if you're not sure you made yourself clear."

Thinking of what Monica and Rachel would say if they could hear him say that makes me snicker. "Wow, you should hear yourself, Chan."

"I know, it's just …" he looks down at his feet still sad for some reason.

"What is it?"

"I just don't want you to get hurt again. Seeing you suffer like that for this long … I … I don't want that to happen again. You just be careful …"

I don't let him finish and hug him instead.

"Thank you man," I murmur, dangerously close to tear up again. God, there must have been something in my cereals this morning. "I wouldn't have been able to make it through this without you."

After another few moments of hugging I break away and grin at him. Chandler's eyes are conspicuously bright as well.

"And Thank You for telling her. I probably would never had the balls."

There is some commotion in the other room and a few seconds later the girls come out giggling. It would certainly be interesting to know what they were talking about.

Monica looks at me funny and now I'm really curious what Rachel told her. Good thing I certainly will have the opportunity to ask her.
Every time I think about Rachel and me being together now, a warm wave of happiness washes over me and leaves me grinning like an imbecile.

We will be together. She loves me. It is still too much to comprehend.

Rachel smiles at me from across the room and my breath hitches in my chest. She is so beautiful.

I have no idea how long we were standing there staring at each other but I'm shaken out of my reverie by Emma trying to make people notice she is still there.

"Hey, pumpkin," I say taking a few steps in her direction.

"I am so sorry I walked out on you before, Emma. It didn't have anything to do with you, okay? I love you sweetheart."

Emma seems to have no hard feelings about the incident from before since she already wants me to hold her again.

After Rachel had given her to me she puts her hand on my arm and looks intently at Emma and me. "You think she will be okay with all the changes, with having two families and all that? Am I messing up her life?" Rachel asks with honest concern in her voice.

I want to tell her that having to live with a mother who is unhappy and lonely would probably mess up Emma's life much more but I guess she knows that.
Maybe she just wants me to assure her that everything's gonna be alright. I can do that, even if I'm not so sure myself if we're doing the right thing.

"Hey, Emma sweety. See your mommy over there? Well, I'm very much in love with her and I want to be in a relationship with her, you know? As a couple. So that would mean you'd be living with us and sometimes with your daddy. I was meaning to ask you if that's okay with you."

Emma is babbling away happily in her adorable nonsense baby language.

"She's okay with it," I tell Rachel with the most serious expression I can muster, only to break out into a wide grin seconds later.

"Oh Emma, baby, I'm in love with uncle Joey too and I can't tell you how glad I am that we have your approval," Rachel says to Emma smiling.

I lean down and kiss her.

After a while someone says behind us, "Aww you guys, you should look at yourself, you're so cute together."

It is Monica with tears glistening in her eyes. Looks like the pregnancy hormones got to her too. And for that matter, also to Chandler who frantically wipes at his eyes and tells Monica accusingly, "You know, it is so dusty in here, I always get something in my eyes!"

Monica pats his arm. "You're right Chandler, I really should start cleaning the place again, right?"

At that Chandler looks about ready to kick himself.

I turn my attention back to the two girls in front of me. "So, Emma. I'm afraid telling your father about your mom and me won't be quite as easy."

Rachel's smile falters and she tightens her grip on my arm. "You want to go talk to Ross?"

For some reason I had hoped I wouldn't need to argue with her about that.
"He deserves to know what is going on, Rach. I have to tell him. And I want to tell him … I want him to know about us, can't you understand that?"

"I understand that Joey and I want him to know about us too. I just don't want to let you go just yet, that is all."

"I don't want to leave you alone either, but it's almost Emma's dinner time anyway and you have to start packing all your stuff and I won't be long, I promise."

She nods bravely and tries to smile again. "Okay."

My hand itches to brush that strand of hair away from her face, but since I can't use my hands right now, I kiss her instead.

"But we're gonna miss you, right Emma?" With that she takes Emma from me and right on cue Emma starts making her 'this is absolutely not going the way I want' face which means she will start screaming within the next five seconds.

"You can stop with that drama young lady, because after today, you and your mom will live with me again and you're gonna see me almost every day, so be good and don't give your mommy a hard time, will you?"

Emma looks at me, obviously recognizing my tone of voice. I'm not gonna tell anyone because they're not gonna believe me anyway, but I'm sure she can understand exactly what people are saying to her.

And as if to prove my point, she stays quiet.

"Where do I find Ross?" I ask Rachel.

"He is teaching his advanced classes right now, if you take a cab you can catch him in his office after the class ends."

With a look at Rachel and a wave at Emma I'm out the door preparing myself for one of the hardest conversations I ever had with one of my friends.

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tbc