I'm packing.
As soon as Joey left Monica's apartment to go talk with Ross, I took my daughter and ran over to Ross's, putting Emma in her playpen and started packing our stuff.
We wasted ten months. I'm not about to waste even one more hour than absolutely necessary.
As always when I'm nervous about something lately, I'm talking to Emma about it. She likes to hear my voice and I find it easier to deal with everything that runs through my mind if I can actually say it out loud.
By now Emma surely knows all about my work and the people there and unfortunately I probably also gave her a wrong impression about Joey in the last four weeks. Although I think that she didn't take what I said too seriously since she probably heard the other side of the story every time she was with him.
"You know sweety, what uncle Joey said before about us living with him again? It's true. We will and you have no idea how happy mommy is about that. So tomorrow, when uncle Joey and mommy are moving all those boxes with your stuff and the few boxes with my stuff over to his apartment, you will stay with uncle Chandler and aunt Monica, okay? Don't give them a hard time and don't let aunt Monica carry you around all day. She is having a baby soon and isn't supposed to carry anything."
The thought of Monica gives me pause for a while. I was so wrapped up in my own problems lately that I couldn't even be really happy for her being pregnant. I knew how long she dreamed of that. As a friend, I was a failure the last months and I'm determined to make it up to her.
"Yeah, be nice to aunt Monica. Not just because she is having a baby but also … this thing about uncle Joey and me isn't that easy for her. I think she always wished for daddy and me to end up together. But you know, daddy loves aunt Charlie and I love uncle Joey so very much and he loves me, I just hope it will be okay for her eventually."
It was not like Monica gave me a hard time about Joey and me. She was so genuinely interested, seemed so happy for me – for us, it made me see how much of a great friend she is. It was then when I vowed to myself to start being a good friend again, too.
As soon as the door was shut behind us, when she had ushered me into the nursery, she started squealing.
"Weeee, Rachel, you and Joey? I can't believe this! How did this happen? Chandler tried to tell me what he thinks was going on but it sounded so weird, so what happened, why didn't anyone know about this and why are you looking like hell and why …"
Her excitement startled me and since I hadn't even sorted out myself what just had happened between Joey and me, it took me a while to collect my thoughts.
"Whoa, whoa Monica … take a deep breath, sit and calm down. You're gonna have a hyperactive child if you keep doing this."
"Tell me Rachel or I won't calm down and then it's your fault if I have a hyperactive child!"
I had no idea where to start so I just started at the beginning.
"Joey and I go back about a year now. We started to develop feelings for one another around the time I was five months pregnant."
"Well the thing with the hormones started already in my fourth month."
So why do they not write that into those books if every woman has to go through this? Maybe it's like that thing with the condoms, maybe they do, maybe we just don't think it's that much of a big deal until we're faced with the consequences. Although Monica had it easy, the solution to her problem was sleeping right next to her.
"Yeah, that was what I was thinking at first, that it was still the hormones. So I thought just having sex with Joey would solve the problem."
"You asked him to sleep with you and he said yes?"
Uhm … not quite.
"Well, I didn't really ask him. We just … did it."
"Wow. But it didn't solve the problem, did it?"
"It didn't. It made it worse. It made me realize I was falling in love with him."
"You love him?"
The answer to this question was so easy but it took me a while to tell her because I knew it wouldn't be easy for her to hear that. I turned to her and looked at her fully, intending to make her see how serious I was about that.
"Yes, I do Monica, I really do."
"What …what about Ross? Why did you move in with him again?"
"Joey wanted me to, because he thought it would clean up the mess we both made by hiding our feelings from one another. Because he thought it would be good for me and Ross, and Emma."
"Was it?"
"In retrospect, yeah, I think it was. I was mad at Joey for so long for making me move out, but when I look at it now, it was the right thing. Ross could really be a father, had the chance to get to know his child from the first day on and Ross and I had the chance to see where we both were."
It's amazing how clear that seems to be now. There are so many things I don't even need to ask Joey anymore, so many things I understood right at the moment when he told me he had been in love with me for the whole time. Because all the pain we caused us, all the wrong decisions we made were rooted in one single cause. It's like we cut the Gordian knot and everything just unravels.
"And that was…?"
"Monica … Ross and I were so much in love with each other. But we hurt each other so badly in the end, that every attempt to bridge that growing gap between us was destined to fail. We're not in love anymore. We love our child and we're great friends, we're always gonna be there for one another, but there will never be anything else anymore. I'm sorry Mon, it's definitely over."
Monica shook her head sadly. "You don't have to apologize to me. I mean … I can see how happy you are now, I can't remember when I've seen you glowing like this the last time. It's just …it feels weird."
Time to lighten the mood a bit.
"Not to me. Besides, have you ever thought about how we felt about you and Chandler?"
"That was so different."
"Yes it was, in a lot of ways. But it was also two friends suddenly falling in love with each other and the others having to deal with it. I would really want you guys to be happy for us, that would mean so much to me … to both of us."
Monica smiled wistfully at that. "I am happy for you Rachel, I couldn't stand seeing you miserable."
I hugged her. "Thank you Mon, thank you. You have no idea how happy that makes me."
After hugging for a while I turned my attention to my child again and changed her diapers.
"So, how is he?" Monica suddenly asked, fidgeting with one of Emma's baby toys, not looking at me directly.
"What do you want to know, Mon? All the gory details?" I teased.
"NO! Of course not. I mean … yeah, a little bit. Is he really that great … you know … in bed?"
The box of baby-wipes I was holding dropped out of my suddenly shaking hands and I felt the skin of my face burning with a deep blush.
It wasn't that I was surprised that Monica asked. We talked about stuff like that before. And I know since she had a crush on Joey when he first moved in with Chandler, she was always curious about this side of him.
But instead of providing me with a sufficient answer, my brain chose to show me a lot of pictures that rendered me out of breath and speechless for a while.
"That good, huh," Monica joked.
"He is … indescribable. I mean ... all the experience really pays off, you know."
"Wow. So what are the shaking hands all about?"
"It has been ten months, Monica. I'm in a really strange place right now."
"Ten months? So nothing happened in those months after Emma's birth when he spent almost all his time with you?"
"No! We were trying to rebuild our friendship. Besides, to let you in on a little secret, giving birth takes you mind off sex for quite some time."
"And before, you know, after all the yelling?"
"We just kissed."
"So we interrupted you?"
"Mon, I am really on edge about that, so please let's not talk about it anymore or I will go out there and have sex with him right on your white couch."
"Ew, Rachel, seriously. Don't. The only people allowed to have sex on that couch are Chandler and I."
Ew and … ew. The mental pictures from before were replaced by some that cooled me down considerably.
"And what is your relationship like? How does Joey make you feel, let's say in comparison to Ross."
"I can't compare Joey to Ross. They're so different."
"I don't mean comparing the men, I mean comparing what you feel for them. What your love for them is like."
I knew what she meant, I could guess what she really wanted to know. And it's not that easy to describe.
Ross was there when I started to live my own life. When I was just a spoiled little girl who didn't even know how to do her own laundry. When I was unfinished somehow. He showed me my possibilities, he showed me what life, what love could be like. I will always keep my first true love in my heart as a very precious memory.
Joey brings out feelings, tendencies in me that I didn't even know existed. The burning desire, the primal, gut level hunger, the boundless abandon I experienced every time I was with him. It was like my ability to love had matured and grown up as much as I had.
Joey makes me see the world with different eyes. Through him I become aware of how much life has to offer, how precious any moment of it is. He makes me feel alive.
"Ross showed me the stars," I told Monica finally, not just referring to our first night in the museum.
"Joey…," I paused, unsure if Monica would understand what I was trying to say, "Joey makes me touch them."
When I finally hear the lock of the apartment door that indicates that Ross is coming home, I have to restrain myself from running to him and ask him a million questions. Joey hasn't called yet and I have no idea how their conversation went.
I'm almost done packing and I guess I still have to talk to Ross about everything so I'm really quite nervous. Emma is already in her bed, sleeping peacefully as if she knew that her mother would need some time to sort her life out.
After Ross had taken off his jacket I can see that he presses a bag of crushed ice against the knuckles of his right hand.
My questions momentarily forgotten, I run over to him, worried. "What is up with your hand?"
I lift the bag to see that his knuckles are red and swollen, a few of them are already turning blue.
"Something hit my knuckles."
"What was it?"
"Uhm ... Joey's jaw."
The bag with ice drops out of my hands and for a moment, I don't know what to do first. My concern for Joey wins.
"Is he alright?" I say toneless, terrified.
"Yeah, he is. There is a bruise on his jaw and I guess it'll hurt for a while but he'll live."
Time to vent my anger. "I can't believe you hit him! Why the hell did you hit him! What were you, jealous?"
"No, no Rachel. I wasn't. Please, listen to me."
I scowl at him. He'd better have a very good explanation for this although I doubt that.
"He came to my office and told me you two wanted to live together. I was glad since I knew you wanted that. Then he told me you guys are in love, which was unexpected but I didn't have problem with this either. But then he told me all the stuff that happened between you in the past year and I just … I couldn't help it Rach. I was there when you moved out of his apartment, I heard you cry every night and I felt so bad about that because I didn't know how to help you."
All my anger at him leaves me at that. I mean I always knew that he noticed my distress but I never thought he knew so much about it.
"I can't believe you heard me cry," I say quietly.
"And I can't believe he'd hurt you so bad. Not only once, twice. If had gone with my emotions, he would have a matching bruise on the other side of his jaw, too."
For some reason I can't picture Joey getting hit by Ross at all. If they would fight against each other, there would be no question where I would place my bet.
"He didn't try to defend himself?"
"No, he said he deserved it, he even told me you'd hit him too."
That horrible moment comes back to me unbidden, making me angry again. Not only at Ross.
"Yes I did, but that was in the heat of the moment and I'd never do that again, it obviously didn't solve anything. I mean, yes he'd hurt me but believe me, he already paid for that. A hundred times over. I don't know how that talk between the two of you went and judging from this, I guess not that well. But however things are between you two now, I don't want you to do that to him ever again, Ross. I mean that. Even if he thinks he deserves it, he does not."
"It's okay Rachel, it wasn't that bad. We're men, you know. We sometimes need to express ourselves – nonverbally."
He says that in a way that sounds borderline amused. I'm not amused at all.
"Well then find a way that doesn't involve bruises and swollen knuckles."
The amusement leaves Ross' face and I think he starts to take my concerns seriously.
"Rachel, please, calm down. Like I said, it wasn't that bad. After the whole punching incident, we had a pretty good talk. I told him about me and Charlie and I guess we're still friends."
This is something probably only men can manage. Going from punching each other in the face to talking about relationships and ending in being friends. Not that I have anything against that.
"That's great Ross. I know it means a lot to Joey. He always felt like he was betraying you by being in love with me."
"That wouldn't have been a problem for me. But that he'd hurt you …I'm still mad at him for that."
"You know it takes two people to mess up things that bad, right?"
I smile at him a bit and he smiles back, understanding what I wanted to imply.
"Yeah but, are you really willing to give him a second chance after what he did?"
"I didn't really give him a first one. He never knew what I felt for him. What we had was never real. I want to see how it is when it's real."
Ross doesn't say anything to that and looks around instead.
"So, I see you're all packed up already. You're moving out tomorrow?"
"Yeah. It's Saturday and Monica and Chandler already offered to take Emma, so …"
"Charlie and I can help, too."
"Thanks Ross, that'd be great."
I am so thankful that he's making this so easy for me. I had so many fears about that, so many scenarios in my head how bad he could take this. So I walk over to him and hug him tightly. He puts his arms around me and just holds me for a while.
"It feels weird somehow. Like it's really over now, like starting something new."
"Are you sad?"
"A little. I really loved having you and Emma around – most of the time."
I think I know at which times he wasn't.
"I loved living with you too, Ross. I mean, I think it was a good idea."
"Are you sad?"
"Only a little. I'm happy and nervous, excited. Everything happened so fast, I'm still a bit overwhelmed."
"I think you two will be great together. I always thought that when I saw you for the past months."
To say that this surprises me would be a vast understatement.
"You did?"
"Yeah, everyone could see that. We just didn't comment on it because you two kept denying that there was anything going on."
"There wasn't."
"Except for New Year's when we already wondered if we should get you two a room."
Oh.
"But … I thought no one noticed."
"Rachel, it did attract some attention that you started kissing at 'four' and let's just say the nature of the kiss wasn't quite appropriate for the occasion."
"God, that is so embarrassing. I was out of my mind back then. Did everybody see this?"
"I don't know. But maybe I should've talked to you about it. Not leave it to Chandler again."
"Joey told you about the thing with Chandler?"
"He told me a lot of things. He told me how much he loves you and he made it kinda hard not to believe how serious he is about that."
Joey loves me.
How long will it take to get used to that thought? Because I feel like I just fell in love. There are butterflies in my stomach and my knees are getting weak every time I think of him. Every time I think of us living together again an overwhelming rush of happiness makes my heart flutter.
Not that I'm complaining. It always felt like a loss that I didn't experience that when I fell in love with him, because let's face it, it's just plain nice.
"You should see yourself Rachel. It's a pity I won't have that much chances for teasing you about being lovesick like that."
Thank God I'm not the only one being lovesick around here.
"You should see yourself with Charlie. Everyone around you ceases to exist if you're with her."
"Is it that obvious?"
"Oh no, only if you're not blind. But I'm so glad you found her."
"As am I. And I'm happy for you too, Rachel."
We keep hugging for a while until the phone rings. I almost fall all over myself trying to get to it because I'm sure it's for me.
I take the phone and hurry to my room.
"Hello."
"Hi Rach. It's Joey. I just came back from Ross' office and wanted to tell you that everything went … well."
I smile to myself. "Safe for your bruised jaw, right?"
"You've already talked to him?"
"Yeah, he's here. I've already bitten his head off for punching you."
"It's nothing. You probably won't even see it anymore by tomorrow."
The butterflies getting all worked up in my belly. "I can't wait for tomorrow."
"Me neither. Love you Rachel."
I have to sit down on my bed since my legs don't carry me anymore. "I love you too, Joey. Good night. Sleep well."
God, why can't this night not be over already?
"I don't think I'll sleep tonight but, good night to you too. Give Emma a kiss from me, will you?"
"She's already sleeping and you can give her a kiss tomorrow yourself. And while you're at it, her mommy wouldn't mind that either."
"Can't wait, Rach."
If he keeps saying that I'll forget that I have a child an run over to him right now.
"Moving is gonna be a lot of work, Emma has tons of stuff."
"It's gonna be worth it."
"Yeah it is."
"Good night Rach."
"Good night Joey."
It takes me awhile to get a grip but eventually I take the phone out to the living room again. Ross is sitting on the couch, leafing through some science magazines.
"That was Joey, huh?"
"Yeah."
"I could tell by the dreamy smile. So when will you go over?"
"I already told you that. We move out tomorrow."
"I don't mean move out, I mean … you know … visit your new boyfriend."
They way Ross says that, wiggling his eyebrows and trying his best to wink at me suggestively, he makes me laugh out loud.
"Ross, I can't just go visit my … boyfriend."
I will definitely have to get used to calling him that. Not that it will be a problem.
"Why not? I didn't hit him that bad."
That makes me laugh again.
"I know Ross, I figured that. He could still speak."
"No seriously Rachel, why don't you go over? I'll watch Emma for the night. You can be back in the morning when she needs her breakfast and you can spend the night over at his place."
"You really want to do that?"
"Rachel, when you don't live here anymore, I will have to take Emma for the night sooner or later. Why don't we just try if it works? If it does, you can have your private time with Joey and I can have my time with Charlie and everyone is gonna be happy. What do you say?"
I don't say anything and hug him instead.
"Thank you Ross. You have no idea what that means to me."
He shrugs a bit and grins mischievously, "I think I can empathize. As soon as you're out the door, I'll call Charlie and tell her to come here."
For a split second, I think about staying here. But this is Ross, if I can't trust him with our daughter, I can't trust anyone.
Just when I'm about to run out the door in my t-shirt and sweatpants, it occurs to me that I probably should dress up a bit. Joey is gonna see me in sweatpants often enough for … a very long time.
In a matter of seconds I'm in my room, reopening all of the boxes I so carefully packed a few hours ago, rummaging through their contents in the desperate attempt to find something suitable to wear.
But what do you wear on an occasion like this?
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tbc
