Chapter 12 - Rachel - Part 2
Do not run. Do not run.
I repeat that mantra in my head over and over again, while I make my way over to Joey's. I force myself to walk slowly, to not take two stairs at a time. I don't want to show up at his place sweaty and looking as if I just won the New York Marathon. Besides, running would probably be all kinds of uncomfortable in the high heels I'm wearing to the dress I picked out.
It feels like going on a first date. No, not a first date. More like on a date where you think the guy would tell you he loves you. No, that's not it either. I can't put it in any category. I mean we know each other for an eternity, we know we love each other, we've even already slept together. But still, tonight feels like a first time in many ways.
When I'm standing in the hall outside Joey's apartment, I am so nervous and excited, my heart almost jumps out of my throat. I honestly feel like I'm going to faint.
I didn't tell Joey I was coming over, I wanted to surprise him. Now the question of what he would say to me showing up like this adds to all the other questions and insecurities I brought with me tonight.
Just when I'm raising my hand to knock, the door behind me opens, startling me. Chandler comes out, his back to me, pulling a big garbage bag out the door.
"Whose body are you trying to get rid of, Chandler?"
He nearly jumps out of his skin.
"Geez, Rachel, you scared me. And this is all the stuff out of Monica's secret closet. In her endless wisdom she decided that I should throw all the stuff away tonight. And since she's pregnant and won't take no for an answer, here I am."
"I feel your pain, Chandler. I just finished packing all my stuff."
Chandler is still busy with trying the best way to move the bag. "If you came to see Monica, she is at the restaurant tonight. She…" Now he starts noticing my raised eyebrows. "Ohh…ohh…oh of course, you didn't come to see Monica. You came to see Joey."
I just nod, getting all nervous again by just thinking of what this night might have in store for me.
"Rach, I just wanted to tell you … not that I think you're not good for him, but … just…"
I've never seen Chandler Bing so at loss for words. But I know what he wants to say so I put him out of his misery.
"I love him, Chandler. And I promise, I'm never gonna hurt him again. Ever."
He smiles somewhat relieved. "Okay, that's good to know."
"You know Chandler, Joey is lucky to have a friend like you. I'm lucky to have a friend like you. We owe you a lot. Thank you."
Chandler lets go of his garbage bag and gives me a hug. I cling to him for a while, feeling happy about how everything seems to fall back into place.
"You know Chan, you might be my best friend, but if you keep hugging my girlfriend like that, I don't guarantee for anything."
We both spin around to see Joey leaning against the doorframe, looking only slightly amused.
Chandler lifts his hands up. "No harm done Joe. She's all yours."
"Yeah, isn't that great," Joey beams happily.
He takes my hand and pulls me gently towards him. Everything else around me fades away when I see how he looks at me. How could I have never noticed what he feels for me, when now all his feelings are so visible in his eyes, so palpable in every little gesture?
I always wondered why I kept being in love with him for all this time. Why I could never convince myself without any doubt, that there was nothing there. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I always knew, I always felt it.
"Well, I'm afraid I have to rob you guys of my invaluable presence, but I have a hot date with this … garbage bag over here. So, have a nice evening."
Chandler proceeds to pull the bag through the hall until Joey can't take it anymore. "Oh come on man. It'll take you days to handle this alone. Here, let me help you."
Without waiting for Chandler's protest, Joey lifts the bag over his shoulder and heads towards the stairs. He then turns around to me for a moment, smiling. "Just stay right here, beautiful."
I nod, indicating that I plan on waiting inside. Joey smiles again and then all but jumps down the stairs.
"Come on Chan, I don't have time to wait for you," I hear him yelling before I close the door.
The apartment looks different than a few hours before. Messier somehow. A lot messier. There isn't even a place to sit. There is stuff everywhere. On the couch, on the lounger, on the kitchen counter, even on the foosball table and I know how much Joey hates it when someone puts stuff on there.
What is he doing?
It looks like the trail leads to his bedroom. The room is in the same state mine at Ross'S was a few hours ago.
Oh my God, is he moving out?
After panicking for a few seconds, I push the silly thought away and try to find a more probable reason. Maybe if I had tried that approach before, I would have spared us quite some heartache.
It looks like he sorted out clothes he doesn't plan on wearing anymore and there even is a whole box of old 'Playboy' issues.
He is making room for us.
Nothing would have told me how much he wants us to live with him as this does. I'm glad I've seen this, I'm glad I don't have to have a single doubt anymore that he wants this as much as I do. I know he told me, but after all that happened, I guess I needed more than that to believe it.
The door opens and Joey barges in, sweaty and out of breath. Maybe I should have told him not to run.
"You won't believe how heavy all that stupid stuff was, Chandler had to throw away. And to make things really interesting, it didn't fit in the garbage chute," he pants.
"Looks like Chandler isn't the only one sorting out stuff."
Joey looks around a bit embarrassed. "I wasn't expecting company." He takes a few tentative steps towards me and smiles. "Not that I'm not totally happy that you're here."
There is a nasty looking bruise on the left side of his face, where Ross had hit him. I close the space between us and place a gentle kiss on that spot. "Does it hurt?"
"No, it actually feels kinda nice. You can do it again any time," he jokes.
"I mean the bruise."
That makes him wince. "Yeah, a bit. I wouldn't have thought Ross would have it in him to punch that hard."
That really must have been an interesting conversation.
"You should see his hand."
He chuckles at that. After just looking at me for a while, he puts one arm around me and pulls me close to him, caressing my face and tucking a wayward strand of hair behind my ear.
"How long can you stay?"
"Ross has Emma for the whole night."
I can see that these words do to him what they do to me. They make him excited and anxious at the same time. It's pretty obvious what the excitement is about, I just wonder for what reason he feels nervous. And I'm quite sure it's not the same I have.
I suppose we still have some talking to do. As much as I would want to just crawl into his arms, shower him with kisses and make love to him until we both drop dead from exhaustion; more than that I want us to start being totally honest with each other, to not say things because we think it's what the other one wants to hear, but because it is really what we feel. I want to get rid of every possibility that we're ever gonna hurt us again because we didn't talk. That's why I tear myself away from him, using all the willpower I possess.
"So, can I help you somehow with this?" I ask, taking a pile of old DOOL scripts off the foosball table.
"There actually is something you can help me with."
He takes the scripts from me and puts them back on the table, takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom. So much for talking.
"What do you think of this as our bedroom? Or should we make your old room the bedroom and this could be Emma's nursery?"
This totally takes me by surprise.
"Uhm ...", I have to clear my throat which gets me a curious look from Joey and try to calm myself down enough to be able to speak. "... I haven't even thought of this."
What I thought was more along the lines of using this room right now for the same purpose we used it before.
"But ... you said ... remember ... how you want to sleep in my bed every night, so I thought ... but if it's to soon for you it's okay, we can..."
See, this is exactly what happens every time I let my desire for him take over. I end up making him feel bad.
"No, no. No, Joey. Of course I still want that. I'd love to have one bedroom for the two of us. I was just surprised. If anything, I thought it would be to soon for you. I mean, you lived alone for a while and now we waltz in here, taking over everything. I know that men need their space."
Joey shakes his head. "Let me tell you something about space, Rachel. I had all the space I wanted for ten long months. Turns out, I don't need space. I need you."
"I need you too, Joey. I did for the longest time. Remember ...?"
I look back at the lounger that is now buried under a pile of clothes.
"How could I forget this? It was one of the most memorable experiences of my life."
"Was it?"
"Of course it was. Rachel I ... I was already in love with you back then. I hadn't realized it at that time, but now I know that I was. What happened, what you did, was like a gift, like something I couldn't stop thinking about but was never hoping to get. For me, it was a lot more than just fun."
There is a tinge of reproach in his voice and the realization that I started everything with this careless remark makes me wonder why he wanted to give me another chance.
"I'm so sorry I said that, Joe."
"Was it what you felt about me back then? That I could be someone to have fun with?"
He doesn't sound reproachful at all when he asks me this. It is more like he really wants to know how different we felt about the same thing back then.
"No, not really. Since the time we watched 'Cujo' together I was addicted to being close to you. Everything I did came from this. It took me the longest time to realize why I was needing you so much."
"Then why did you say it?"
"Because ... Joey ... because it was. I mean, even if it meant so much more to both of us, but it was ... at least for me ... fun. I've never felt better than while having sex with you. I've never felt more alive."
"You're right. I mean ... it was amazing."
The way he grins now, I know he starts to see my point. "So, what about the bedroom problem?"
"I don't know. What about the guy who sings every morning?"
"He moved out a few years ago."
"Hmm...that's definitely a plus for this room."
I take a few steps inside and look around me. Memories of all the things that happened in here come unbidden to me, memories of passion and pain, of kisses and unshed tears. Memories that are making my knees so weak I have to sit down on the bed.
"A lot happened in here," I say after a while.
Joey sits down beside me, taking my hand in his. "Do you want stuff to happen in here again?"
My imagination answers his question with an overwhelming richness of scenarios, one more sensual and arousing then the other, forcing me to close my eyes and lean my head back a little.
"Mmhh, yeah", I whisper but it sounds more like a moan, which startles me out of erotic dream world.
Looking at him I expect amusement, a knowing grin or something, but I see eyes black as a frying pan, a fire smoldering in their depths. It's breathtaking. Not so much the sight itself, but the fact that he doesn't hide anything from me anymore.
"Tell me what you just saw," he demands with a rumbling voice so deep and sexy, I ask myself how any red blooded woman would ever have been able to say no to him. Well, maybe that's the reason there were so many, because none of them could. Not surprisingly, I'm no exception.
Closing my eyes I try to get a hold of one of those scenarios again. "I saw us ... together ... here in this room ... on this bed ..."
"Yeah," he whispers encouragingly while running his fingers lightly up my arm, making me shiver.
The image in my head gets clearer. I see myself lying naked on the bed, moaning and panting, then there is Joey, naked as well, crawling up to me, looking at me ...
My eyes snap open and I violently jerk away from his touch. I knew this stupid fear would catch up with me in the most inopportune moment. I also know I'll have to tell him about it because there is no reason for me to believe this won't happen again.
"Rachel, what happened? Did I do something wrong?"
God, how many times do I have to make this man doubt himself tonight? I've got to tell him.
"No, no Joey, you didn't. It's me, I ..."
But how do I tell him this without dying of embarrassment?
"What is it?"
"I'm a bit scared."
"Of what?"
"Of ...of ..."
Just say it. Couldn't be more embarrassing than stuttering like that.
"... having sex again."
Joey's expression relaxes considerably. Obviously for him, this isn't a big deal. For me, it is.
"You worried it might hurt? I promise, I won't hurt you. We were always careful before, so..."
I wish it were that easy.
"I know. I know Joey. But it's not that."
He doesn't say anything anymore, sensing that he has to let me get this out on my own.
"There are ... changes. You know. There is ... a scar."
Please don't let him ask where.
"I know there is."
That's unexpected. But ... reassuring somehow.
"How do you know that?"
"The way you looked at every chair for the first week after Emma was born, as if it was about to bite you?"
That makes me smile a little.
"Look Rach, I know this is probably a lousy time to bring this up, but you're actually not the first woman I've ever been with, who already had a baby. So I know a bit about the 'changes'."
Again - although his mentioning his past experiences should upset me - it's reassuring he knows about this stuff.
"But you know me from before. You would know the difference."
That makes him look taken aback, in a slightly insulted kind of way.
"Are you telling me this is about me, about what I think about those 'changes'?"
"I know what I think about them."
He shakes his had sadly, looking at our joined hands for a while, thinking. After a few moments he looks up at me again, a challenge in his eyes.
"Wanna know what I think about them? I think we'll have a lot of fun with them."
"How's that?"
He looks pointedly at my midsection and grins. "We have a lot more ... options now. And there are other things too. Let me prove this to you."
"But..."
"Rachel, you are the most beautiful, the most desirable woman I've ever met. Nothing can change that."
I can feel the tears springing to my eyes at his words. "Do you have any idea how often I fantasized about you saying something like this to me?"
With a gentle movement he wipes away a tear that had rolled down my cheek. "I wish I had." His hand falls back into his lap and he looks down guiltily. "I'm sorry I never did. I'm sorry I never let you know how much I wanted you, how much I needed you. I'm sorry I made you doubt yourself. I can't even imagine anymore how I could've made it through a whole year without telling you that you're beautiful because I sure as hell thought it every time I saw you."
While we're at depressing ourselves with dwelling in our unhappy past, there is one thing I still need to know, something I still don't understand.
"Why did you want me to move out, Joey? I mean, I understand now what you must have been through, but what was it that made you snap?"
"Seeing you with Ross. Remember, it was the day he broke up with Mona, and you were hugging him and ... this was the moment I knew I couldn't take it anymore."
"So this was why you were running out of the coffeehouse. You were jealous?"
He laughs mirthlessly. "Yeah, frighteningly so. I scared even myself."
This brings back unpleasant memories. Not about Joey and me, but about Ross and me.
"You think you're over this? Because if you don't trust me..."
"I do trust you Rach. Maybe back then it wasn't so much jealousy but envy. It felt like even if I had your body, he had your heart."
It's painful to think that the moment I realized that I love Joey, was also the moment he thought I never could.
"I guess that was the main misconception you had about me. That I could sleep with a guy for months without having feelings for him."
"What was yours?"
"My?"
"Biggest misconception. And, please don't say 'you're Joey'. I heard that one twice already today."
I wonder who besides myself could make him feel this bad about being who he is. My money is on Chandler and Ross, although I think they weren't trying to hurt him with this any more than I was.
"Well, then let me put it differently. I thought you wouldn't want a serious relationship, ... with a pregnant woman, ... who got herself knocked up by your best friend."
"Which, roughly translated, means 'you're Joey'."
"Which also sums up very nicely all the reasons I fell in love with you."
A hint of a smile plays around his lips. "There are so many?"
Maybe I can make him smile a little more. "Hey, I don't just love you because you're great in bed."
This makes him flinch visibly. You just gotta love the effect I have on him. I'm ready to kill myself any moment now.
"What's wrong Joey?"
"It's just ... it's been ten months. I might not be able to live up to the memories you have of us being together."
I think I have a pretty good idea why he thinks that.
"Joey, I want this at least as much as you do. Before, when I was standing outside your door before Chandler came out? I almost passed out from excessive anticipation. You think you won't last long? I'm sure I'll beat you to it. You know I can."
But then again, what do I know, because this seems to have been only a part of his insecurities.
"But what then? When the edge is taken off? When it becomes routine? I was thinking, when we did it before, it was always like every time could be the last. It was always this now or never kind of edge to it. What if without this, it wouldn't be so great anymore?"
"You're afraid having sex with me will get boring after a while?"
"No, no Rachel, I wasn't talking about me. I know what I liked about when we were together, but I also know what I missed. And I think that if I can have all the stuff that I missed before, I won't need anything else. But I don't know how you feel about this. You said before that you never felt better than while sleeping with me."
"Yeah, that's right. But that doesn't mean I cared about the 'edge'. I think without this, it could be even better. Without having to think how this might be the last time, without having to fight back tears, without having to bite my lips the whole time to keep myself from saying 'I love you'."
"I did that too."
"What? Fighting back tears?" I try to joke again.
And again, it backfires.
"Sometimes."
I don't even want to think about making him cry. It almost tore me apart a few hours ago to realize how much heartache I caused him. And there is still a sadness in him that doesn't result of his thinking about the past; a sadness that makes me sad as well. There is something he still doesn't seem to understand, something he still believes this relationship would be based on, which isn't true.
"Joey, maybe the problem is that you're still thinking that sex is everything I'll ever want from you and that it has to be this amazing, mind blowing experience every time. I mean, not that I have anything against mind blowing, but what I said before is true. That is not the reason I love you and it's not the reason I want to live with you again. I want your arms around me when we're watching a stupid horror movie, I want to sit beside you in the coffeehouse, I want to go with you and Emma on a walk in the park and talk with you for hours about everything and everyone and I want to be able to kiss you and tell you that I love you whenever I feel like doing it. And if you would tell me right now that we can never have sex again, it wouldn't matter as long as I could have everything else. If I would have to choose, there would be no question what I would rather have ..."
"... what makes me happier."
Cool, we're already finishing each other's sentences. Joey smiles wistfully, as if remembering something.
"You're right, I guess I needed to hear you say that. And just for the record, I don't intend to tell you we can never have sex again."
Thank god he's smiling again. I wouldn't have known how to handle a depressed Joey tonight.
"So, about this room ... I guess my old room is a bit bigger, don't you think?"
"Let's take a look."
He stands up not letting go of my hand and I trail behind him to my old room. We look around the empty room for a while.
"I don't think it's bigger, it just looks this way because it's empty," Joey says finally.
"But I always thought it had more daylight than yours. I think it's a good idea to make it the nursery. Plus, we never did it in here."
Crap, as if I needed to prove that sex is all I'm thinking about. Although it's not that far from the truth.
"Why not?"
"Would have been a bit of a problem to run out on you if we had been in my room, wouldn't it?"
"Why did you?"
"Remember what I said about fighting back tears? Most times I barely made it in here before losing it. I didn't want you to know about that."
Joey turns to me fully now, taking my other hand as well, looking at me seriously. "Why were we so stupid?"
"We were in love."
"But we handled it so badly."
"It was complicated."
"But we took the wrong turn every time we had to make a decision."
"Yes we did, but we have the chance to learn from that, to make it better this time."
While I caress his hands with my thumbs I notice something. Or better, I notice the lack of something. "You stopped wearing the ring."
"I sort of took it off after our fight and then I couldn't find it anymore. And believe me, I looked everywhere."
"It meant more than 'Don't hit on me while with baby', did it?"
"It meant 'Property of Rachel Green. Stay away'."
"I like that a lot. Maybe we should get you an new one."
He looks if he wants to say something, actually opens his mouth a few times and licks his lips like he always does when he's nervous about saying something, but nothing comes forth.
"Just say it honey," I say, squeezing his hand and smiling encouragingly.
He takes a somewhat shuddering deep breath and tries again. "I was thinking that sometimes … somewhere in the future … you know, not now … we might get new ones. For … for both of us."
His eyes are cast downwards and he shifts nervously from one foot to the other. He thinks that what he said scares me, which it doesn't. It couldn't be farther from scaring me. I should let him know that.
"I would be happy if we would do that. I'm glad we have a future."
That makes him smile broadly, although I think I still see a question in his eyes.
"Anything else?"
"It's just … Rachel I want so much for us. I want everything. Kids, a house … a dog. You're the one woman I could see myself having all that with and I want you to know that."
Looks like I'll still get to live my perfect life I always dreamt about.
"I'm glad you told me. Now I know I don't have to drag you kicking and screaming where I want us to go."
Joey chuckles a bit and leans his forehead lightly against mine. "No, you don't have to. I'll go everywhere with you."
"I love you Joey."
"I love you Rachel."
And then we kiss. Probing and gently at first but before it gets to heated up, I pull back, trying to form a question I need to ask him before we get started.
The expression on Joey's face, so full of love and open passion makes it even harder to speak.
"I think for now, we're done talking, Rach."
Good. That's all I needed to know.
It takes us about twenty seconds to arrive at the point we were a few hours ago, before Chandler knocked at the door. At the point where we've given up on being seductive or gentle, at the point where everything that counts is satisfying the burning need for each other.
Joey has pushed me against the nearest wall, assaulting my neck with rough and greedy kisses that are driving me crazy. His hands seem to be everywhere. One of them is definitely wandering up my leg now, heading for the spot where I ache the most. When he touches me there lightly, a frustrated growl comes out of my throat. I don't have any patience for this. I've waited too long. Gentleness can come later. Right now, there is only one thing I need.
"Joey ... inside ... now", I pant.
He stops for a second, hopefully thinking about how to handle the situation. There is no chance we're gonna make it to the couch, let alone his room. I slip my hand between us, starting to unbutton the fly of his jeans. With an unexpected move he lifts me up and pushes himself against me further. I wrap my legs around his waist when I hear the sound of ripping fabric and see Joey discarding what's left of my panties. And then I can feel him against my entrance and I'm closing my eyes in breathless anticipation. I use my legs to pull him in and when he pushes into me, filling me completely, there is this feeling again. The feeling of completeness, the feeling of being where I want to be, the feeling of being truly myself.
Yes, I meant what I said that if I would have to choose, I would rather live without sex than without love. But lucky for me, I don't have to choose, I can have both and I wasn't even close to imagining how good this would feel.
"Oh god I missed you so much Joey … love you … love you."
His response is an almost pained groan. I can tell from his total lack of movement that he tries to calm down a bit, to control this, to draw this out, but like I said, I have no patience for that. I tighten around him and besides from forcing him to make that sound again, it sends a ripple of sweet pleasure through me, bringing me close to fulfillment without any of us even moving.
When I do it again, I experience the delicious torture of almost being there but not quite getting enough stimulation.
But also what I did obviously broke Joey's will to impress me with his self control. He thrusts into me and I don't need more than that.
Suddenly I feel very light, like I'm floating away, then my body clenches and a wave of pleasure hits me so hard, I think I might pass out.
Joey needs about two more thrusts to follow me over the edge with an orgasmic scream that reverberates loudly through the empty room.
We stay like this for a while, basking in the afterglow of having found to one another again.
"I missed you too, Rachel. So very much. I love you … love you," Joey whispers into my ear breathlessly. In moments like these, it still feels like some particularly vivid and happy example of one of my daydreams.
But then I sense Joey getting uncomfortable because apparently I get a bit heavy after a while. This is so not daydream material. He puts me back on the floor gently and we're both busying ourselves with tucking everything where it belongs.
When we look at each other again, we both grin widely.
"You really beat me to it," Joey smirks.
"Told'ya."
I'm looking at the wall behind us and start giggling.
"What's the amusement about?" he asks, stepping towards me, enveloping me in his arms.
"I never did it like that before."
"Did you like it?" he murmurs seductively into my ear.
"You couldn't tell?"
He chuckles against my neck. The vibrations caused by that make me gasp. I don't think I will get much sleep tonight. Not that I came here to do that.
"I guess there is a lot of other stuff you didn't do as well, is there?"
Joey's mouth leaves my neck and wanders over my face, leaving fluttering kisses in it's path.
"I wouldn't know."
It gets increasingly harder to participate in this conversation, especially with his hand wandering down my back and further down still.
"Maybe I should show you a few things I think you might like."
His wandering hand has reached it's goal in the meantime and my knees just give way under me at the contact. Joey carefully lowers me to the floor, still kissing me. The way it looks to me, we won't make it out of this room anytime soon. Who cares.
"Sounds … sounds like a plan."
I'm so proud of me that I still know what he said before. Maybe we can learn to do both things at the same time, talking and making love. Could come in handy.
"But it's a lot of stuff. I mean, we can't do all of this in one night, you know?"
He stops kissing me when he says that, looking very deeply, very seriously at me. He wants to know how much time we have, how much of a future. And although I already told him that, this seems the one thing he needs to hear more than once.
"That's okay, Joey. We have our whole life."
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