I scared you guys, didn't I? Heh, don't worry, this isn't done yet.
I was so tired.
I have been for weeks now; constant exhaustion. I just want to climb into bed and not wake up for a week.
I've been living with Tim again ever since he got let out, it's nicer than living with Mom and Frank. Surprisingly, it's calmer living with the leader of the toughest gang in town than living with a middle-aged couple.
It was snowing outside;four days before Christmas. Christmas never meant much to me; it was really just like any other night when I was growing up. But I always loved the snow; the way you can tell that it snowed over night because of the way the street lights were reflected brightly through the window, the fresh smell that engulfed you every time you stepped outdoors, the soft crunch that broke the muffled silence that always came along with snow.
I was due at work in fifteen minutes; waitressing at the local diner didn't pay well, but I was flirtatious enough to receive decent tips. I bundled up against the cold, with a white hat and black coat.
I was tired already on the way to the diner, after eight hours on my feet I would be near passing out. But I needed rent money for Tim; I couldn't live there and lay around all day without giving Tim any amount of support.
Tim still didn't know I was pregnant. No one did, but I was wondering how much longer I could keep this up. I've heard of girls whose families didn't know they were pregnant until they were giving birth, but I always had a tendency to hold onto extra weight, and I knew before long my body would grab onto too much weight for me to keep anything a mystery anymore.
I guess I've been lucky. I've heard such horror stories about pregnancies, but the worst I've felt is exhausted.
The city seemed so quiet; the usual hustle and rowdiness were still there, but felt muted. The only sound I heard was the soft snow meeting my worn shoes, and then the tinkle of the bell over the door to the diner as I walked in.
I hung up my coat and tied on my apron; the diner was empty. Three o'clock on a Tuesday during snowfall didn't encourage many people to venture out to dinner. I was thankful for that; there was nothing worse than a room full of demanding customers.
People started to slowly file in at around six, and with them came two people who I really didn't like to see.
Ponyboy's brother and Randle came in every so often. They had been kind to me when I was with Ponyboy, and were polite to me now, but I could tell how they hated me. Especially his brother, his immense dislike for me was masked by a thin layer of civility, and I hated to know he felt that way because I had hurt his brother.
I wish this place had more than one waitress per shift.
I hated when they came in, it made me realize just how much I had actually hurt him. It took every part of me to convince myself over and over again that I had done the right thing; that I had saved him from being a college drop out with a wife and built-in-baby and dead end job.
"Hey guys, braved the weather, huh?"
"Aw, it's just a bit of snow."
"Looking forward to Christmas?"
"Can't wait, Ponyboy's coming home in two days." He met my eyes on the last statement, like he was imploring something, almost a dare.
He couldn't know how much what he had just said affected me.
He's coming back. He's been gone for three months, and now he's coming back. I can't see him, I lose any power I have around him.
I wonder if he hates me.
I don't know if I want him to hate me or miss me.
They were staring at me now, I couldn't get a word out.
"You guys must have really missed him."
"Of course, not the same without him."
"Does he like school?"
"He says so, but he's a bit homesick, I think it'll be good for him to be home for a few weeks."
I knew how uncomfortable I looked, I just needed to get away from that table. He was coming here, back home, for a few weeks. It'd be impossible for me not to see him, and I couldn't see him. He would know I was hiding something from him. He always knew.
"Well, what can I get you guys?"
"Burger and coke." Soda always got that, same as Ponyboy.
"Eh, same, I guess. It's cheap." Randle said that about whatever he ordered; it was always cheap.
"Okay, I'll be back in a bit."
I walked as fast as I could to the rest room, I crouched down in a stall, I could feel my eyes burning. He was coming, here, home, back to Tulsa. He would see me, he would know. He would force it out of me, those goddamn eyes would be able to read my every thought.
Maybe he hated me already. Maybe he believed what I said; maybe he truly thought that I hadn't felt anything but lust for him, that he was just someone to keep me entertained during a hot, boring summer.
But maybe he knew that wasn't true. If he had told me once, he had told me a thousand times; "Angel, you're a good liar, but not good enough."
That last day, the last time I saw him before he left, when I was leaving, his eyes never left me. I knew then that he didn't believe me, that he was trying to will me to turn around and tell him I love him and why I was going on with this masquerade.
Maybe absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder; maybe it makes you forget. Maybe he's seeing someone else, maybe he's happy. Maybe he's over me, and could see me in the next few weeks without a flutter of emotion; maybe I was just some random acquaintance from his past.
I knew that wasn't true.
For the first time in the past four months, I felt like I was going to be sick. The cold tile under my palms made me feel even worse, the fluorescent lights felt blinding. I felt my stomach churning, and threw myself over the toilet, ridding myself of my past two meals. Tears mingled with sweat; I couldn't see him. I don't know how many times I could see him and maintain this lie.
It was only half past six. I couldn't be home in bed crying for four and a half hours.
After ten minutes I stood up and splashed cold water on my face, leaning over the cheap porcelain sink. I looked at my reflection in the cracked glass; I looked old.
Old and weak and tired.
And then I felt it. It was quick, a light flutter, but I felt it. I gasped and reached for my abdomen. It was something. I felt it, there was something there.
I didn't want this baby, it was the last thing I ever wanted.
But I couldn't help but feel happy. It was the first time it ever seemed real; I was creating a life inside of me. A little life that was letting me know it was there, telling me that he was growing, big and strong.
And I smiled for the first time in months.
