Knowing the Mirror
Disclaimer: I am not Jo Rowling. She owns Harry Potter and all Harry Potter characters. All I own is the un-Jo-owned characters, and a few nice pair of sneakers.
Summary: Lily Evans has a dream. She wants to be Head Girl next year at Hogwarts, but everything is going wrong. The current Head Boy and Girl hate her and are trying to get her demoted, and her arch enemy, James Potter, is pushing her red-hot temper to the max, threatening her position as Prefect and her future as Head Girl even more. In the meantime, she's struggling with confusion about her feelings for her ex-boyfriend, who wants to get back together. When her friends start to criticize Lily for her increasingly cynical attitude, she is forced to make some changes. But what changes she should make are all a big blur to her. As she explores herself, trying to find out who she is and what she wants from life, Lily is faced with troublesome questions about love, life and living. But the most troubling question is who that girl is in the mirror...
Rating: PG-13 just in case, for mild language, thematic elements, sensuality and violence, which will all be used sparingly but will be present.
Chapter One: Mashed Potatoes
"Petunia!" I groaned as my older sister stopped in front of Kings Cross Train Station. "I must be so bloody late! What's worse is that I don't know how late I am. Are you sure you don't know what time it is?"
"The car clock is broken, and I'm not psychic, Lils," Petunia said irritably.
I froze in shock for a moment.
"Did you just call me 'Lils?'" I asked, my eyes wide.
Petunia and I used to be the best of sisters. We had nicknames for each other-I was Lils and she was Petty. Those nicknames dropped soon after I left for school when I was eleven, and I hadn't even thought of them for, like, five years.
Petunia looked just as surprised as me.
"I-um…" she blushed uncomfortably. "Lily, get going!" she finally managed to snap. "You can't blame me for your tardiness if your going to sit around asking dumb questions!"
I still gaped at my eighteen year-old sister, but then I realized she was right about my running late.
As I leapt out of the car and grabbed my stuff from the trunk, I was tempted to call her 'Petty' when I said goodbye, but immediately I thought better.
Five minutes later, my luggage loaded onto a trolley, I wheeled through the station hurriedly. Where were all the clocks? How much time did I have to catch the train? I wandered around, looking for Platforms 9 and 10, my sixteen year-old brain working quickly. Platform 3...4...Ugh! 'What time is it?' my mind screamed wildly. If I missed the train, I might as well drop dead.
"Excuse me, sir," I said, tapping a train station worker on the shoulder. "Could you tell me what time it is?"
A middle-aged man in a blue uniform turned and smiled kindly at me. "'Course, ma'am," he glanced at his watch, "it's five minutes to eleven"
I gaped at him.
"Holy-" I quickly stopped myself from swearing and plastered a fleeting smile on my face. "Thanks," I said hurriedly. And I began charging through the train station, my trolley wheeling slightly out of control as I barreled through the jumble of people in Kings Cross.
I barely made it on time. The train was just starting to puff away, still going pretty slowly, but nevertheless moving, when I finally stepped onboard.
'Dang it,' I thought, furious. 'Some Prefect I am.'
Catching a glimpse of myself in a crooked mirror which was carelessly nailed up onto a compartment door, my jaw dropped. 'Damn, I look awful,' I thought in dismay. My hair became tangled while I rushed to the platform, so the thick, dark red mass now looked untidy and matted. My cheeks were flushed red from the run. For some reason I chose to wear a red t-shirt with my jeans today, resulting in me appearing to be a very ripe tomato as I stared at my reflection in the mirror.
I quickly extracted a miniature hairbrush from my purse and ran it quickly through my hair. I then whipped out my makeup compact and tried to reduce the redness of my face. I checked my reflection again and groaned.
"I still look like a fricken tomato," I muttered to myself furiously.
And to my horror, a voice replied,
"Talking to yourself, Evans?" I caught a glimpse of the despised face in the mirror before I whirled around to face him. He continued, "I know you Mudbloods are stupid, but I didn't realize you lot are mad, as well."
"Hello, Lucius," I said through clenched teeth.
"Why Evans, it appears you've flushed even more scarlet since we last spoke. Your glowing with that Gryffindor-spirited redness." I raised an eyebrow at him. "It almost makes you look like a tomato."
If I wasn't already bright red, I was now. Not only had he heard me talking to myself, but he'd heard specifically what I'd said. Damn it. He continued on. "You'd better get to the meeting. It starts in about thirty seconds," He was smiling contemptuously at me.
I gazed up at the young man who was one year my senior and for a moment the unpleasant thought of how attractive he is crossed my mind. With overgrown, white-blond hair that sweeps over his icy, steel blue colored eyes, a muscular, toned figure, perfect facial features and a pretty line of straight teeth that rarely are revealed behind his full red lips, Lucius Malfoy is one of the hottest guys at Hogwarts. He's also a prejudice git, as I previously mentioned.
"I'm coming, Lucius," I said tightly. "Although I don't know why you care." He laughed coldly.
"You'd better be on-time, Evans, or you may find yourself…demoted." And in a moment that snapped by faster than you could say 'dung bomb,' the incredibly hot git marched away.
I glared after him. I hate Lucius, but to be honest, I'm terrified of him. Whenever he calls me a Mudblood, (which is a foul name for someone born into a Muggle or non-magical family) I ache to slug him and break that perfect nose or those perfect teeth. But he scares the crap out of me.
Wishing I had a watch, I hurried to the Head compartment. I've been late for everything lately, ever since my old watch broke last month. I forgot to remove it when I went swimming with my best friend, Natalie Thomas, at her uncle's manor.
As I hurried down the train, I chided myself furiously.
Being a sixth year and a Prefect, I try to set a good example for the younger students. I mean, you can't lead without doing what you tell others to do. So I try comply with my expectations. I really want to be Head Girl next year, and I know that to become Head Girl, I need to be dedicated, responsible and a good leader.
Unfortunately, almost missing the train on the first day back at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is not a great way to kick off the year.
And being late for the Prefects meeting wouldn't be a good idea, either. Although how Lucius can say I could be demoted it beyond me.
I arrived at the Heads compartment, where the Head Boy and Girl were getting ready to lecture the new and returning prefects, right on-time.
When I realized who the new Head Boy was, I nearly wet myself in shock. How Lucius Malfoy landed the job is a mystery to me, even now.
"Evans. Nice of you to join us," he said sleekly. "You just barely made it on-time, lucky for you." Glowering at him, I plopped down next to Alec McGovern, a Hufflepuff Prefect, and listened politely while the Head Girl (Prisillia Hansen, of Ravenclaw) lectured us on all the Prefect responsibilities, school rules, yada yada ya.
The meeting was short, thank Merlin. When it was finally over, I went on a quest to find Natalie and my other friends.
Unfortunately, as I was searching for my friends, a hand clamped over my shoulder. I turned to see a pair of kind, grayish-blue-green eyes smiling nervously at me. Ah, shoot. Remus.
Remus Lupin is a pretty nice looking young man, and what's even better is that he's also the kindest, sweetest boy in the sixth year class. Not to mention he's my one and only ex-boyfriend. We dated for about seven weeks early in our fifth year, but his annoying friends bugged the hell out of me. We wound up getting in a fight about who he cared about more-me or his clique, (known around campus as 'The Marauders'-lame, yes?) And he chose-guess who.
Not that I blame him. I'd choose my friends over him, too. It's not like we were madly in love. So whatever. But it's still strange being around him, because he was like, my first boyfriend and my first kiss, but now that things are over between us, I don't really know what to do around him. It's not comfortable, let me say that.
"Hey Lily," he said softly, smiling at me. I smiled back up at him, although my smile was rather forced.
"Hi, Remus. How are you?" He blushed. (Can you say AWKWARD? Why was he blushing?)
"I'm alright. You?"
"Eh, I'm alive," I said, smiling good-naturedly at him. "Have you seen Natalie?"
He shook his head, his sandy colored hair, longish and shaggy, flying back and forth.
"But I saw Annie and Janna," Remus said. "Up at the front of the train, probably buying food or something."
I opened the next compartment door and peered in. As soon as I realized who was in there, I shut the door quickly.
"There's your crew," I told Remus. "See ya later." And I continued down the corridor.
I found Natalie and Alice just a couple minutes later.
"Hey girls!" I said cheerfully.
"Lily!" Alice squealed, and she jumped up from her seat and hugged me.
"Hey Al!" I said happily, hugging her back. Alice Jensen is such a sweetheart. She's one of my roommates, and is nice to everyone. She's not a pushover, though, like many good and decent people tend to be. She's proven herself to be incredibly brave, actually. The summer before fifth year she totally saved like, three peoples' lives. She's kinda like the mother of our dormitory. And what's a bit ironic is that she totally reminds me of Natalie's mum personality-wise, and appearance-wise she reminds me of my mum. She's on the stout side, average height, with a pleasant round face, shoulder length blonde hair and bright blue eyes.
Alice and I didn't get to hang out even once over the summer, so it was our first time seeing each other in nearly three months.
"How ARE you?" I gushed, pulling away to look at my friend.
"Great! You?"
"I'm alright," I said, grinning. "You're so tan!"
"Frank and I went to Venice for a week, and spent a lot of time in the sun," she said, her eyes sparkling as she said her boyfriend's name.
"So how's Frank doing? Is he going to be able to get through Auror training without you around to 'study' with him?" I teased, grinning as she blushed.
Frank Longbottom graduated last year from Hogwarts. He's been sweet on Alice for a while now, and he asked her out last Easter. That's one reason I didn't see her all summer-she and Frank were inseparable. Natalie and I have bets on when he'll propose: she says Christmas, I say Easter.
After catching up on our latest news, Alice and I sat down on either side of Natalie, who grinned at us.
"Nice to see you, too," she said to me jokingly. I laughed.
"Well I saw you, like, two days ago," I said pointedly.
"Right. Some friend you are," Natalie snapped. We both glared at each other for a moment and then burst into laughter.
That's how Natalie and I are. We're crazy, I know, but I guess that's what happens when you have the same best friend for five years. Five going on six. I can't believe how old we're getting.
Natalie Thomas is gorgeous. She's taller than me-she's probably about 5'10" now, which is way taller than even my above average height of 5'7". I think she's the tallest girl in school. (Not surprisingly, her older brother, Jay Thomas, is the tallest person in school, except for Hagrid, of course. Jay's a seventh year, and is the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.)
Natalie has long, silky black hair that she wears in hundreds of little braids, and her skin tone is a rich, deep brown. Everything about her is perfect-her white teeth, her full lips, her thoughtful eyes. Of course, being human, Natalie says she's not happy with her looks, and always tries to find fault with herself, which I think is impossible. She's in great shape, too. Like Jay, she plays Quidditch. So basically, if Natalie wasn't my best friend, I'm sure I'd hate her, because she's flawless.
"Lil-lil," Natalie said, recovering from our rather random outburst of laughter. "You look cute today."
I nearly blanched at her complement.
"Are you kidding? I look like a tomato!"
"Nah, you're too skinny to be a tomato," Natalie said. "Maybe a squashed tomato, though."
Alice snorted.
"So squashed tomatoes are cute?" I said, feigning hurt at my best friend's cruelty.
"In comparison with your usual appearance, probably," Natalie said.
I whacked her in the arm.
"That was harsh!" I cried. "I'm leaving! I won't take such abuse any longer!"
"Where will you go?" Alice asked, looking amused.
"I'll-I'll go join the Marauders! And become the first Marauder-ette of the group!" I cried dramatically.
This, of course, provoked more laughter.
"Can you imagine!" Natalie gasped through her giggles.
"Oh Merlin! Lee-lee, that is probably my best joke ever!" I said, laughing uncontrollably.
So I know it wasn't that funny. But Natalie (who I call Lee-lee on occasion; she calls me Lil-lil sometimes) and I have long despised the Marauders, (at least, as a group,) and picturing me-or any girl, but especially me-joining their ranks was funnier than you can imagine. Just trust me.
I was nearly hyperventilating, I was laughing so hard. Natalie was saying she was going to pee on herself. Alice was watching us, amusement shining in her bright blue eyes. And then our compartment door crashed open.
"You two are so loud!" Janna moaned. The three of us looked up to see Janna and Annie entering the compartment. They're our two other roommates at school.
Janna used to be my acclaimed archenemy, but over the last couple years things between us have definitely gotten better. Not good, but better. And Annie, being Janna's best friend, isn't really on my list of best friends, but the two are tolerable. They gossip more than anyone I know, and their obsessions with certain things really bothers me. But I don't hate them or anything.
"Hi guys," I said.
"Hey Lily," they chorused, and then the two sat down across from Alice, Natalie and me and began munching on Cauldron Cakes, whispering about something that I couldn't care less about.
I turned to Natalie and Alice, and we all exchanged knowing looks, rolling our eyes at Janna and Annie.
"So, whose the new Head Boy and Girl?" Alice asked. I groaned. I had been trying to forget.
"Oh Merlin. Tell me it's not Malfoy," Natalie spat. When I didn't reply, her dark brown eyes got big and she groaned.
We spent the rest of the train ride bashing Lucius Malfoy. At one point Janna and Annie joined in the gossip fest, as gossiping is what they do best. (Actually, I think it's all they do.)
"Once he asked me to meet him in the Astronomy Tower," Janna announced.
"Sick. He's snogged about every girl in the school up there. And sometimes more than snogged," Natalie said, shuddering a bit.
"You said no, right Janna?" I asked, a bit worried. Let's just say Janna has a bit of a reputation.
She looked rather awkward for a moment.
"Oh Merlin. Please tell me you didn't meet him," Alice said, her round face worried.
"Well, I was a fourth year," Janna said innocently. Natalie, Alice and I all groaned.
"Janna, that's disgusting! What happened?" I demanded, not really wanting to know.
"Oh, nothing like that," she said quickly. Janna tucked a lock of golden-blonde hair behind her ear and her brown eyes tactfully avoided our stares.
Janna's measurements must be similar to a Barbie doll's, I swear, except she's an inch or two shorter than me and her feet are gigantic. What's crazy is that she's looked like a Barbie ever since first year. Big chest, nearly a non-existent waist, full hips and skinny legs. But I'm not jealous of her, because that's all people (more specifically, guys) see when they see Janna, is her body and her seductive eyes. And trust me-it's gotten her into trouble. So do I mind being skinny and basically flat-chested, with abnormal, oversized, bright green eyes? If so, I won't admit it.
"Nothing like what?" Alice inquired, worry written all over her face.
"We just talked a little," Janna began. Annie snorted. Glaring at her, Janna continued, "Well, maybe not very much at all. And then we kissed and stuff like that…"
"Ugh, is there a trash can in here? I think I'm gonna hurl," I announced.
Natalie looked disgusted as she listened to Janna.
"That's not a nice scene to picture," she announced. "Janna! Why did you do that? How can you sleep at night knowing that you snogged that dirt bag?"
Janna tried to look ashamed, but she failed miserably.
"You guys," she said, her brown eyes suddenly sparkling mischievously. She leaned forward and spoke quietly. "I know this is bad, but…I totally don't regret it. If Lucius Malfoy asked me to meet him again, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I know he's a prejudice bigot and a player and all, but he is SUCH a good kisser, and when he put his hand-"
"Stop!" I yelled, covering my ears. "I don't want to hear it!" Janna leaned back, grinning sheepishly.
"Sorry," she said in a very un-sorry voice. "But just remember, if you ever want a good, sensual kiss…"
"That's enough, Janna," Alice said, taking on her bossy, almost motherly tone.
I couldn't help but smile at Natalie as Janna shut her mouth obediently. I don't know why Alice is always so successful in bossing us around-you'd think it would annoy us all and make us hate her, but it doesn't. She'll be one heck of a mother someday.
Annie was talking excitedly now.
"I heard a rumor that Lucius and Professor McGonagall are having a rendezvous!" she exclaimed. I shook my head pityingly.
"Annie, please tell me you don't believe that. It's probably the most pathetic piece of gossip I've ever heard you cotton to." Annie's black eyes looked reproachful.
"I heard it straight from Prissy Hansen," she said.
Natalie, Alice and I laughed.
"Now that I believe," Natalie said.
"She saw them!" Annie exclaimed.
Annie Ling is one of the better students in our year. Frankly, I was astonished that she was so earnest about such a ridiculous rumor. She looked furiously from me to Natalie to Alice, and then at Janna, pleading for help.
"Prisillia Hansen is Head Girl," Janna said. Annie nodded quickly.
"We believe that she told you," Alice said swiftly, trying to make peace. "And I suppose anything's possible."
I snorted.
"Except for that," Natalie muttered. Annie crossed her arms and remained silent for the rest of the trip. When she's upset, she looks younger than usual, which is hilarious, as she's already short-probably only just over five feet tall. Her lower lip naturally pouts out and her eyes get all sulky, so when Annie pouts, she looks six instead of thirteen, like she usually does, and in reality she's nearly seventeen.
When we finally arrived at Hogwarts, I was starving.
"I hope there aren't many first years to sort," I muttered to Natalie as we stood up and stretched. "I want to get right to the feast."
"I heard there's a lot," Alice said. "But that was just from some third year. Third years always talk bad about first years, and really, I don't know how he'd know."
Unfortunately, this third year was correct. There was a plethora of first years. By the time "Zurfluh, Howard" was sorted into Hufflepuff, I thought my stomach would shrink into oblivion, it was so deprived. Fortunately, Dumbledore is impeccably intuitive, and seemed to realize my plight, so he cut his normal welcome speech down into about four sentences. And then, with the wave of his hand, food appeared on the four house tables, so abundantly I could hear the table legs groaning and creaking in agony. But I didn't mind. There was food! I could sing praise, I was so pleased.
As I loaded enough mashed potatoes onto my plate to feed all of Iceland, I became aware of a pair of eyes watching me. I hate it when people watch me. It annoys me almost as much as that Marauder group Remus is a part of annoys me. So when a Marauder is watching me, I am twice as irritable. Hence the reason James Potter's attention irked me so.
James Potter is the co-leader of the pathetic band that calls themselves "the Marauders." He is arrogant and cocky and as stupid as a codfish. And he's always asking me out, just to bother me. I don't think he even likes me-it just bothers his arrogant mind to think that some girl isn't dying to date him, so he follows me around, trying to charm me. Therefore, I can't stand him.
He's not bad looking or anything. He's tall, which is nice, and has messy black-brown hair and hazel eyes with a dark brown ring around the outside and dark flacks mingled in with the hazel of his eyes, broad shoulders and a strong jaw. (Not that I've ever looked that closely at him.)
He also wears glasses, which make him look smart. And he is smart, in an idiotic sort of way. Anyway, the point is, I hate James Potter. So as he watched me pile potatoes onto my plate, I grew very angry. I have a nasty temper-what can I say? The red hair stereotype cashes in as true for me.
"What's wrong, Potter?" I snapped, throwing the potato spoon into the bowl and glaring at him over my mountain of food.
He just grinned in a pathetic, supposedly seductive manor, not wavering under my angry green eyes, which Natalie says are really scary when I'm mad or annoyed.
Naturally, this irked me even more.
"Is something funny?" I snarled. (Whoa, yeah, maybe I was overreacting.)
"No, Evans. Nothing is wrong," James said sweetly. "I was just observing your beauty, and admiring your healthy appetite."
Yes, I'm skinny. I don't think I'm fat or anything, honest. But before my insane growth spurt, I was a little on the chunky side. So I'm still a little bit sensitive about weight/fat/appetite comments. So you can't blame me for what I said next.
"You know what, Potter?" I huffed. "My 'healthy appetite' has suddenly disappeared, quite possibly due to the unpleasant sight of your oversized head."
(Of course, that was all bull crap-in truth, my appetite was still quite healthy, and James's head has never really been all that revolting to me.)
James chuckled.
"Too bad, Evans. I was looking forward to seeing you stuff all that down. You might benefit a little from a good meal." I saw his eyes dart momentarily to my chest, and that's when it happened. I nearly exploded.
'James Potter's eyes cannot linger on my flat chest when he talks about me benefiting from a healthy appetite!' my offended, angry red-haired conscience yelled.
Any idiot knows that I'd have to eat a LOT of potatoes to gain a cup size. But the implication alone was infuriating. Yes, it was subtle, but I swear to you, James was thinking thoughts that I was far from being okay with.
Before I could think twice about it, I was on my feet, my dinner plate in hand, and with one heavy slosh, the mass of potato flew from my plate to James Potter. And, by luck I suppose, the load of mashed, fluffy starch propelled through the air, aiming right into his nicely chiseled face.
I never thought of James as a tan or dark skinned person, but in contrast to his coloring when covered with potato, I would have to say that he's got a pretty deep tan.
I couldn't help but laugh at him as I grabbed an entire basket of dinner rolls from the table and waved goodbye to Natalie and Alice, leaving James to sputter and swear furiously as I departed early for my dormitory. (Good thing I'm a Prefect and already knew the password to the Gryffindor Common Room.)
So maybe you're wondering how I became a Prefect, as thus far, in one day, I've nearly missed a train, barely made it to the most important Prefect meeting of the year, gossiped unkindly about both the Head Boy and Girl, called my peers names and wasted enough potatoes to feed all of Iceland on a dirty boy who looked at my chest and made a jerky comment.
Unfortunately, if you are wondering, you'll soon find that others were unsure of my worthiness to be a Prefect as well. Not that I'm unworthy. I'm totally worthy. James Potter totally deserved to have potatoes thrown in his face, and it was totally Petunia's fault that I was late, and Lucius Malfoy is totally a git…But as McGonagall said the next morning,
"Excuses are like armpits, Miss Evans. Everyone has them, and they all stink."
I guess my armpits smelled really bad.
A/N: Yay! New fic! Alrighty, well you know the deal. Please drop me a line or two, tell me what you're thinking. I love to hear from readers. So go ahead and review! Brownies to you all!
Readers who have also read my almost-complete fic Eyes Like Yours will recognize many of the characters I created in Lily's diary in ELY here. It also goes with The Parting of Brothers, but you don't need to read any of my other fics to follow the story-line easily.
NEXT CHAPTER:
McGonagall gives Lily a talking to
We meet yet another Marauder
Lily and Natalie get some bad news
Annie finds a boyfriend...
Thanks for reading!
Laney-Wood :)
