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Chapter Three - Niff finds a shirt..sort of...
(This chapter dedicated to Brady and Allison!)
Niff: ::shivering:: Oh my God, it's so cold out here....
Niff muttered darkly under her breath as she made her way up the lawn of the dark and looming castle ahead.
Niff: Fucker fucking fuck fuck fuck.... (grumble grumble grumble)
Narrator: Oh that's nice.
Niff: HEY! Who's the tormented character here? NOT YOU! ME! I can say "fuck" all I want, fucker! And until you give me a shirt or make some warmer weather, your name will be changed to Fucker, Fucker!
Fucker: You're quite pathetic, you know that?
Niff: Not caring!.......Fucker....
Narrator: ::sigh:: Can we please continue on with the plot now?
Niff: HEY! You can't change your name back!
Narrator: Well actually yes I can; I'm the narrator and therefore have direct connections with the author.
Niff: ......... Damnit!
AND SUDDENLY THE STORY-LINE WAS MAGICALLY CONTINUED!
Niff: (I hate you.)
Narrator: (I know.)
Niff was finally at the doorstep of the castle, if you could even call it that. It was so massive it was more like a giant stone slab infront of the gate....kind of like a doorstep... Either way, she was over-come with the massive size of the structure.
Niff: ....Holy hell....
As soon as she came to grips with herself, she tried to realize why she was infact where she was. But that was too late because as soon as she began to doubt her reasons, a hunchback opened the large door.
Niff: ::making sure that this was not the same hunchback from the previous castle:: .... Hi!
Hunchback: ...Um...y helo thar?
Niff: .......
Hunchback: ....... so...... Whatz j00r purpose f0r being har? Because if j00 don't have one Igor will have to drag j00 to t3h torture towerzorz.
(thinking to himself) "pwnd!"
Niff: ::eyes go wide:: Why would you do something to that extreme?
Hunchback: (perplexed) Well...I don't kno. ::Shrugs:: It's wut I do.
Niff: Oh... Well in that case I'm here about the thing.
Hunchback: T3h thing?....
Niff: ::acting like it was obvious:: Yeah, the thing. You know....
The confused-as-hell hunchback figured it was best that he just let her in. He would not want his master to torture him for being stupid again.
Hunchback: Ohhh.....yeeeah.......t3h THING.... Righ7. Righ7. Igor understandz. Come in; it roxxorz.....
Once inside, Igor pointed down a dark hallway that lead deep into the heart of the castle.
Igor: Igor thinkz hiz m4ster will find t3h young miss if she goes that wayz.
Niff turned and looked down the dark hallway. It seemed to lead into a large room. She looked back to thank the 1337-speaking hunchback, but he had vanished.
Niff: Hmm... I wonder where he went...
(yelling) Where are you?!
Igor: (from the darkness) Igor haz left t3h server and haz disconnected!
Niff: ::gives a weirded-out look:: Whatever..... In any case, I'm glad to be out of the cold and atleast there are fires lit in here.
She walked down the hallway and felt a little uneasy. I mean, aside from the impaled-villager skeletons hanging off the walls, it was a decent place. Suddenly Niff heard someone walking towards her. She hid behind a large statue and peeked out to see who it was.
It was a tall figure in all black, with pale skin, and long dark hair; Dracula.
Dracula: I know you're here, whoever you are. I can hear your heartbeat....
He began clapping the beat of Niff's heart.
This sent a chill up her spine, but "oh two can play this game.....let's see how well he can play Floating 16ths..." she thought to herself. And at that Niff began to hold her breath.
Dracula's claps got slower.
Niff then suddenly started breathing very quickly.
Dracula gave a cockeyed expression as he tried to adjust his clapping to match Niff's heartbeat.
After a few minutes, Dracula looked like a mentally ill child trying to clap.
Dracula: ::growling:: FINE! YOU WIN!
Niff came out from her hiding pace trying not to crack up. When Dracula saw her, he immediately adopted his usual calm and seductive exterior personality.
Dracula: ::walking slowly towards her:: Who are you?
Niff: (as if stuck in a trance) I'm Niff....
Dracula: Ah. A pleasure to meet you, Niff. I am-
Niff: (cutting him off) Dead sexy....
::shaking out of the trance:: Er...sorry...Dracula; your name is Count Dracula...
Dracula: snickering to himself Yes, Count Vladislaus Dracula.
Niff: Oooh! "Vlad"; That's hott.
Dracula: I'm glad you think so; I have other nicknames as well...
::begins ranting off names:: Count Dracula, the Devil, Doctor Vlad, Dragon, Drake, Justin Drake, Father Death, the Impaler, Lord of the Damned, Lord of the Undead, Lord of the Vampires, Prince of Darkness, Vlad the Impaler, Vlad Tepes, Vladimir Tepesch, and Kaziglu Bey...
Niff: (a bit shocked) Wow... You know, I like a man with a lot of names...
......Say, that's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
And at that, Dracula realized what he was getting into, and thinking that what Niff just said was a pick-up line, he also started rattling off some really cheesey ones.
Niff: .....seriously. I want it.
Dracula: ::getting up close to her:: So...if I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
Niff: ::blinks:: Is that rhetorical?
Dracula: Let me put it this way... I'd really like to get to gnaw you, and I've always been a sucker for a pretty face.
Niff: (after a few seconds) Oh! Hahaha! I get it! Because you're a vampire and...hahaha! I get it!
Dracula hit his forehead with his palm and then ran it back through his hair.
Dracula: Yeah...
By this time, Niff actually realized that an extremely hott (though undead) man was hitting on her. And at that, got very close to the count, and said the most cheesey pick-up line ever created.
Niff: So what's in your Wonderball?
They both suddenly froze with eyes wide, as a loud voice from out of nowhere began singing the Wonderball jingle.
"OH I WONDER, WONDER OOH AHH DOO AHH OOH!
WHAT'S IN YOUR WONDERBALL?!
WHO KNOWS WHAT SURPRISES, A WONDERBALL WILL HIDE!
YUMMY NESTLE CHOCOLATE, WITH CANDY SHAPES INSIDE!
OH I WONDER, WONDER OOH AHH DOO AHH OOH!
WHAT'S IN YOUR WONDERBALL?!
WHAT'S IN YOUR WONDERBALL?!"
Dracula: ::Blinks:: .................
Niff: ::Blinks:: ............. That was.....odd....
Dracula: Yeah............ Wanna go make out?
Niff: OK! ::jumps on him and they both fall out of sight::
Later on....
We see Niff with messy hair and there are visible bite marks on her neck, sitting on a couch. Shortly after we see her, we see Dracula with ofcourse perfect hair-
Dracula: Hey now... I'm a vampire from a in a technical standpoint badly written movie; I have to have nice hair. ::Takes a strand and pulls it behind his ear::
Narrator: Fair enough.
We see Dracula sitting in a chair without a shirt,
Niff: (I FOUND A SHIRT!! HAHA!!)
who sadly has more bite marks than Niff does.
Niff goes over to Dracula and sits on his lap.
Niff: So since you bit me, does that make me a vampire now?
Dracula: No, I have to drain atleast half of your blood for that to happen.
Niff: (Kind of dissapointed) Oh...
Dracula: (muttering) Don't worry, you're still scary as hell....
Niff: (pretending like she didn't hear) You know, I really have no idea who you are; maybe we should go on a date or something.
Dracula: That seems like a good idea. Though I have no idea where we'd go because whenever I go somewhere people start screaming and there's mass hysteria.
Niff: Well, when I landed here I saw a place a little ways off from the village I fell in.
Dracula: You mean the Ye Olde Tavern?
Niff: It had to be; it's cliche after all.
Dracula: Very true. Alright, that works. I don't think there will be too much of a problem with the villagers if we go there.
Igor slowly walked into the room and stood before them silently, with head bowed.
Dracula: Igor, why are you here; what have you done now?
Igor: Igor haz brokenz t3h Easy-Bake Oven again, Mastorz...
Dracula: ::sigh:: Did you try to make html code alphabet soup in it again?...
Igor: ........yesh Mastorz....
Dracula: ::hits forehead with palm:: Leave us, Igor.
Igor: Yesh Mastorz...
The hunchback walks out of the room.
Igor: (from the hallway) Igor haz been disconnected!
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(::Dramatic action music plays::)
Will we find out the plot of the this story?
Will we meet two new main characters?
Will there be a scene with a random beachball?
COMING SOON: Chapter Four - Doughnuts and Wooden Furniture
(::Music fades out::)
Chapter Four is already half way written, I just have to get off my ass and write the rest of it. I have so much stuff written down to use later in this fic, you have no idea...
