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Chapter - 5
Angels and Doughnuts
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Amaruk Wolfheart - Thanks! I'm glad you find my writing funny! This thing is riddled with inside jokes, so I was hoping it would be amusing to the online readers.
chiefhow - Thank you for all your reviews! I've never had anyone actually review my stuff chapter by chapter before! (I absolutely adore your VH parody, btw.)
Renee - Hmm... We will have to see what will happen between Van and Drac. Dracula is easily my favorite character (for many reasons), but he has a certain purpose in this story. That's all I'll say at this point. Anyway, glad you like it!
Countess Keira - After reading your review, I made sure that this fic would be done by January. This month has been extremely hectic, so it's been hard finding time to write at my computer.
Alright, so I know I said that the last chapter title would be different from "The Ye Olde Tavern". Obviously I lied. But! I did learn to never name a chapter until you're finished with it.
Do note that the greater part of this chapter was written during the week of my mid term exams.
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Van Helsing took a glance around the room.
A few months ago while in Rome, an angel came to him. Van Helsing, being Holy slayer of everything, listened intently as the angel told him of a book; a book that held all of the knowledge of anything and everything - the Book of All Useless Knowledge. Van Helsing didn't understand why it was so important to know about it, then again, he didn't understand much anyway. The angel explained that this book was evil, for it held the answer to everything, and when humans even think they know everything, horrible things happen. The angel claimed that only God could know everything, so this book must be destroyed. Out of all of this, Van Helsing understood "evil""horrible", and "destroy". He asked how he could get this book in order to destroy it. The angel chucked it at his head, obviously annoyed, and just for good measure, told him to find three companions to help him destroy it (just in case...).
"At a tavern outside a small village in Transylvania, you will find a woman who is a combat artist in top physical condition, a woman who is an expert in changing appearances, and a Christ figure", the angel said. Meanwhile Van Helsing was writing all of this down. "Why a Christ figure", he asked. "Because every good story has to have one." Van Helsing also quickly wrote this down.
Van Helsing knew what he had to do (after reading over and over again what it was). He packed up all of the items he might need, including the BOAUK, as he was happily reminded to take it by notice of the Cardinal. The Cardinal forbid Carl to go as well, as he knew that Carl was obsessed with absorbing information; the book in the hands of the friar, was a frightening thought. And so for the past few months, Van Helsing had been stopping at random taverns all across the country by himself. As he arrived at this particular Ye Olde Tavern, he got a very good feeling that this would be the one where he could find his party.
As he looked about the room, he realized that there wasn't much of a diversity of people in there, atleast compared to the other taverns he had been to. Most customers were large, hairy men, all of whom were quite drunk, but he still kept his hopes up. Seeing as how the angel hadn't told him directly how to get to the tavern, he thought maybe it would be a sign in the sky. So, just like the birth of Jesus, he followed the brightest thing in the sky - currently the sun. And so, whenever the sun was directly above a tavern (noon), he would stop at it. Finding nothing at those taverns didn't surprise him though because as soon as he went outside, the sun had moved again. There were quite a few times when he had almost abandoned all hope... Oddly enough, they were all at night.
Even though it was the middle of the day, the tavern was still dark inside, as it had no windows aside from the two at the door making the back of the tavern and the bar dimly lit. As he was not nearly able to see everyone neither near the bar nor towards the back, he figured that this was a great time to take charge. Filling up his lungs, he was about to announce his quest when-
-Zoom to the bar-
Joshua, who was completely determined to make a friend out of this date, was actually trying to decide whether he should buy Britt one or two more drinks. That is, if he even made it to the bar. There were many people in the tavern that gave him vicious looks; looks like"mmm, you'd be good with a side salad". That, and the fact he was a small creature and found it hard just to get around in a building such as this.
-Author commentary-
Hmm... yes, I keep coming back to this point in the chapter not sure of what to write. But, that's the beauty of writing your own fanfic - you can write whatever the hell you want. So without going into great detail-
-End author commentary-
Dracula went up to the bar, and stood there for a moment until he saw what appeared to be a black-haired woman come around. She had her back turned to him, but he liked the look of her, even if it was just from back. Instead of directly putting in an order, (and being the creature that he is), seductively gave her a pickup line.
Dracula: (A little loudly so she could hear) If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Dracula was not expecting what happened next. When the woman heard him, she giggled, and turned around revealing that she wasn't a woman at all. Infact, it was a man (who looked mysteriously like Tim Curry), dressed as a woman. Or maybe it was perhaps that the woman was just very manly. (Though it was really a little of both...) Either way Dracula went very pale, more so than usual...if that's possible, and his eyes went very wide.
Dr. F N' F: Why Vladislaus, darling, how sweet of you! You know how I like men like yourself...
Dracula: .:Backs away: We have already discussed our differences, Doctor, and I still want you to stay the hell away from me. We're neighbors, and that's ALL.
Dr. F N' F: .:Sighs: You know you want me... :Winks: Remember, there's a light-
Chorus members: Over at the Frankenstein place!
Dracula: No! Stop! Everyone just stop! I don't want to be caught in the middle of a musical number, all I want is to place a damn order:Glares at everyone with fangs bared:
-Author commentary-
You know, it's really quite odd how some of these songs line up with the story line of Van Helsing, atleast in my head anyway... Sorry, anyway, I'll stop typing these comments and let you continue on reading...
-End author commentary-
Amazingly, no one in the tavern seemed to notice the yelling or the singing. Then again, people in musicals never seem to notice when people break out into song anyway.
Dracula retracted his fangs, straightened out his jacket, and moved up to the bar again. The doctor put on a straight face and waited for Dracula to place his order. At this point, Joshua had made his way to the bar as well. He recognized Dracula and immediately became frightened and focused his gaze away from the vampire.
Dracula: Right then, so I'll have one Ye Olde Chicken, two Ye Olde Potatoes, a large glass of blood-
Dr. F N' F: We are currently on our happy hour, and today we are serving goat, chicken, horse, and human blood.
Dracula: Oh, well I'll have human I suppose. And l also want a blood based dipping sauce for the potatoes.
Dr. F N' F: Do you want the Ye Olde Chicken and Ye Olde Potatoes as a combo? With the combo you get a glass of absinthe, and a doughnut with your sandwich and side.
Dracula: (Becoming annoyed with the options) Yeah, sure...
After he was done, Dracula stood to the side of the bar to pick up the food. Joshua had managed to climb up a barstool and was able to get his head above the bar top. Dracula stared at the strange animal. Joshua felt the count watching him, and turned to look at him. He soon regretted looking at him though; Dracula had a look of "You'd be good without a side salad". The armadillo quickly looked back to the person behind the bar and ordered a glass of absinthe. Unfortunately for him, happy hour on alcohol wasn't for another six hours. Dracula was chuckling to himself at the look on the animal's face.
-Zoom back to Van Helsing-
-when a woman stepped infront of him, blocking his view. This was the same waitress that had greeted Niff and Dracula, however the smile on her face was definitely not forced.
Waitress: Why hello there sir. You haven't seen you around here before...
Van Helsing: (Bluntly) I'm not from here.
Waitress: Oh! Well then, let me hit on you to stall on behalf of the author.
Van Helsing: .:Pouts: But-but-but, I'm supposed to be the main character!
Waitress: Awww.
The waitress gave Van Helsing a big hug, and he welcomed it. No one but Carl ever gave him much needed hugs.
-Zoom back to Niff-
Niff was tired of sitting and waiting for Dracula with their food. He had been gone for atleast fifteen minutes now, and Niff wasn't one to just sit there. So as she people watched from the booth, she noticed someone sitting at another booth just across the room. The woman looked kind of bored, but friendly (unlike everyone else in the tavern), so Niff walked across the floor of the Ye Olde Tavern to introduce herself.
Niff: Hello; you look about as bored as I do.
Britt: (Laughing) Yeah, pretty much.
Niff: My name is Niff.
Britt: Oh, well hello Niff, my name is Britt, and I'd introduce my date if he were here...
Britt stared over at the bar where Joshua was, with a look of annoyance. Niff looked in the direction and found Dracula smirking to himself and standing around waiting.
Niff: Yeah, I'd do the same with my date but he's at the bar as well.
-Zoom to bar-
Eventually, the doctor put Dracula's order on a tray and slid it over to him.
Dr. F N' F: .:Winks: Here you go Vladislaus...
Dracula glared at them and picked up the tray. He turned around to go back to the booth, when Niff flagged him over. In short, Dracula made his way over to Niff and Britt, and there Niff introduced Britt to Dracula. Britt offered for them both to sit down, and as she did, Joshua came scurrying over to the booth. He was paying attention only to where he was going and balancing the absinthe on his back, that he didn't realize whom else was at the table with Britt before he got there.
Britt: (At seeing the animal) There you are Josh; it's about time!
The armadillo looked up and realized that there were three people staring at him, one of which being Dracula, who was still giving him a hungry look. Britt gingerly took the glass of absinthe from Joshua and set it down on the table. Meanwhile, Joshua was panicking. Does he stay with Britt, and risk the possibility of being eaten, or does he run out of the tavern to find a friend another day? It wasn't long until there was an absence of rodent in the Ye Olde Tavern.
Britt: I have no idea what his problem was; to be truthful I didn't really like him anyway.
Dracula meanwhile had a large grin on his face, and sat down at the table alongside Niff. He began to sort out the food on the tray.
Niff: Aww, don't worry about him. Would you like some of my potatoes?
They all pretty much shared their food with eachother, with the exception of Dracula who kept his drink to himself. Britt, figuring that this "Count Dracula" was just another human being, didn't understand why he refused to share. Apparently, the Ye Olde Tavern just made an investment in drinking straws and was now supplying each drink with one.
Dracula took a sip of his drink through the straw and make a "ssskkkkrrrsskkkkrrr" sound.
Britt: .:Raises an eyebrow: So what exactly are you drinking?
Dracula: (Simply) You don't want to know.
Britt: Oh please; don't be so dramatic. What is it?
Niff was quick to change the subject.
Niff: (Looking at the doughnut on the table) Is that doughnut for me?
Dracula: Yes, it came with your meal.
Niff took it off the tray and took a small bite out of it.
Dracula: (Eyeing it) It actually looks quite delicious.
Niff: I didn't know vampires could eat normal food.
Dracula: Ofcourse we can, atleast according to this author anyway.
Niff: That's awesome! Here, have a bite.
She handed the doughnut over to Dracula and he sunk his fangs into it as Britt took a deep swing of absinthe.
Dracula handed Niff back her doughnut, which was considerably lighter than before. At a further examination of the pastry, Niff noticed something very wrong.
Niff: YOU SUCKED THE JELLY OUT OF MY DOUGHNUT!
She waved it around in the air making Britt, (as well as a few other people) stare. Dracula's eyes went wide at the sudden outburst.
Niff: .:Points to the doughnut in her other hand: Look at it! It's just a flakey shell now!
Dracula: (Under his breath) Kind of like my last three brides...
Niff stopped waving the pastry in the air and placed it back on the table.
Niff: .:Sighs: You owe me...
Dracula chuckled and put his arm around her. Britt however, was still curious as to what the count was drinking.
("ssskkkkrrrrskkkrrrr")
Britt: Really though, what are you drinking?
Niff was a little nervous as to what Britt's reaction would be, that, and she was also quite amused because Dracula reminded her of a "Dracula" in a movie she had once seen.
Dracula grinned with a red tinted smile.
Dracula: Blood. Human blood, to be precise.
Niff: (Quickly) But don't worry! He might be evil, but he's a sweetie.
Niff threw her arms around Dracula's head and neck, squeezing him. Britt was disgusted, and confused.
("ssssskkkkkrrrrrrssssskkkkkkrrrr")
-Zoom back to Van Helsing-
At this point, Van Helsing had pretty much told the waitress his life story. Van Helsing also found out that the waitress' name was actually Waitress Von Hostess.
Van Helsing: So now, I'm here to announce my quest.
Waitress walked away and let Van Helsing address the mass of people in the Ye Olde Tavern.
Van Helsing: I need your attention everyone!
Everyone looked up, including our three friends back at the table; one of which sat in a silent rage.
Van Helsing: I have been looking for this tavern for a very long time, and to seek out the three chosen people inside it. I am looking for a young woman who is a combat artist and in top physical condition, a woman who is an expert in changing appearances, and a Christ figure.
Man: Why a Christ figure?
Van Helsing: (Reading off his paper) "Because every good story has to have one."
And so Niff, Britt, and Dracula stood up and walked over to Van Helsing.
(All three: .:Not moving: WHAT?)
(Narrator: You heard me! Go!)
(Britt: Hell no! I'm not going anywhere.)
(Dracula: .:On the brink of going hellbeast: You cannot make us do this.)
(Niff: .:Putting her hand on Dracula's shoulder to calm him and looking at Britt: I don't think there is anything we can do...)
(Narrator: GO!)
And so, with Dracula trembling with rage and loathing, Britt extremely pissed off at the power of the narrator, and Niff just trying to keep everyone calm, they made their way to the front of the tavern. Dracula had put his cloak back on with the hood up. As they stood up from their booth, a table of three very heroic looking figures also stood, but were suddenly smitten by the author.
Van Helsing was actually quite pleased that he got a response from the crowd, and became very excited when three figures appeared from the back of the tavern. They slowly made their way towards him, but the closer he got, the more worried he became. They eventually stepped before him in a line, as if these were the chosen people, a light shined down upon their heads. Well, all of them except Dracula's. He angrily flicked the light that had magically appeared above his head. It flickered on for a second and then went back out. The vampire let out an irritated sigh.
Van Helsing: Ah, my fellow Holy questers! ...Wait a second...
The lights quickly vanished.
Van Helsing: Britt!
Britt: Hello Van Helsing.
Van Helsing: ...Please don't tell me you're the shape shifter I'm looking for...I mean...how are you?
Britt: You're as pitiful as ever, you know.
Niff looked over at Britt with an eyebrow raised.
Britt: We used to date.
Dracula took a sharp look towards Britt, and Niff just nodded.
Van Helsing: (To Niff) Are you the combat artist?
Niff: .:Considering her other option in this: Yes! Yes I am.
Van Helsing frowned noticing that she had no weapons of any sort, and didn't seem to be in the best physical shape. He then moved over to the tall figure in the dark cloak.
Van Helsing: So you must be the Christ figure.
Dracula: BULL SHIT!... I mean...:calms himself to be his usual count-like self: Hello Gabriel.
