Summary: Boromir is brought back to life halfway through a game of poker – will Faramir let him die again, and why does Veil claim to be the true heir to Gondor's throne? Aragorn is confused.
It was the year 3020, one year after the terrible War of the Ring. Minas Tirith was being rebuilt, and the Kingdoms of Gondor and Rohan were firm allies. The shadow had past and life was returning to bliss under the rule of King Elesser.
The King was, at this moment, holding a council with the leaders of all the lands of Middle-Earth; King Éomer from Rohan, Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth, Steward Faramir, Elladan and Elrohir, the Lords of Rivendell. Representatives from Harad were due soon, but currently it was only the above that were sitting in Gondor's main chamber discussing trade routes.
"… may be the most direct route, but have you ever tried to haul half a forest worth of wood through that path?" Faramir asked Éomer, who scoffed.
"Give it to the Eorlingas and we will haul your wood through any path."
"Aye, and what they cannot haul they will simply push with their thick skulls." Imrahil agreed sarcastically.
Éomer chuckled. "Hauling or pushing, we will still get it there faster than any wet-footed Gondorian."
Imrahil shrugged in good nature, admitting defeat. "Aye, that is true. I have yet to meet a Rohirrim who will back down from a challenge."
Aragorn laughed and was about to call his council back to order when a distinct ruckus was heard coming from outside in the citadel. "It seems we are about to be distracted." Aragorn said wryly, sitting back in his chair.
"Again." Faramir added.
"Maybe," Éomer mused. "We should just threaten the next person who enters with instant death."
"That might be difficult." Elladan said slowly, concentrating on the voice, his features unreadable.
"Pardon?" Imrahil asked, brow quirked.
"The one who comes is already dead." Elrohir said calmly, a hint of a smile on his face. The noise grew closer, and a man's voice could be heard bellowing above the rest.
"I'll enter my own hall if I please, when I please! Out of my way, man!… Quiet woman, I do not have time… move!"
With a loud crash the doors of the hall flew open and in strode a tall, broad man with a look of absolute rage on his fair face. Behind him he dragged a woman, with long dark locks and a dress of flowing red silk. For a few moments everyone stared at this man, mouths agape as he searched their faces.
"For the love of Eru, Aragorn, where is that blasted Elf?" Boromir roared, holding the struggling female by the wrist.
"Boromir?" Faramir asked quietly after a few moments of silence, his face ashen and his hands trembling.
"Brother." Boromir acknowledged with nod, his face softening slightly.
"You're alive?" Faramir asked, not knowing what else to say.
"Only momentarily." Boromir scowled. The female whimpered and Boromir rolled his eyes. "Yes, only for the moment, thanks to you!" He snarled, pulling her forward and throwing her to the floor.
"Boro-" Faramir began to protest at his brother's treatment of the woman, but Boromir cut him off.
"Do not panic, Little Brother, she is not real."
"I am too!" The fallen female said defiantly from the floor, pushing her curls back from her eyes.
"No, you are not!" Boromir gritted out, grabbing a drink from Éomer's mug, who protested slightly.
"If she is not real, then who is she?" Imrahil asked his nephew, surprised at how calm his voice sounded.
"She is a Marias Sueficus, or a Sue as we call them in Mandos. They are otherworldly and bring with them a greater evil than Sauron."
"I have heard of these Sues." Elrohir said quietly, and Elladan frowned.
"Aye, from our mother before she passed over the seas. She told us to protect our father from them, for they posses great evil."
Aragorn frowned and stared at the woman. "Are you a Sue, lady?" He asked sternly, to which the female shook her head.
"No, my liege." She replied demurely, though her eyes were flashing strange colours, different shades of red and yellow, causing both Faramir and Éomer to back away rapidly.
"Then who are you?" Aragorn asked, only to be met with a cry of panic from Boromir.
"Aragorn, I beseech you, do not ask that-"
"I am Valerie," the Sue began, and Boromir groaned and took another large swig from Faramir's glass, as Éomer had taken his with him. "Though some call me Veil. I am the love-child of Imrahil and Arwen, sister of Elphir, Erchirion, Amrothos and Lothíriel, sister-in-law to Éomer and Éowyn, niece of Elladan and Elrohir and heir to the throne of Gondor." She said, stubbornly lifting her chin.
For a very long time no one spoke. In this time, Éomer downed two mugs of ale and Imrahil followed quickly, a look of disgust mixed with panic on his face.
"I warned you." Boromir muttered, rubbing his forehead.
"Love-child of… who?" Aragorn asked weakly.
"Imrahil and Arwen." 'Valerie' replied gently, reaching out a sympathetic hand towards the King, who backed away from it hurriedly, horror on his face.
"Gentlemen, I give you a Sue." Boromir announced, walking up to Valerie. "I suggest we find the Elf as soon as possible."
"What do you mean, sister-in-law to Éomer?" Éomer asked slowly, and the Sue got a bright expression on her face. Opening her mouth to answer, she collapsed in pain as Boromir stamped none-too-gently on her foot.
"She has this crazy idea that Éowyn and Elphir wed." Boromir lied quickly, noting with some amusement the look of horror on his brother's face.
"I have married Éowyn!" Faramir spluttered, and Boromir gave his brother a small smile.
"I wish I had been there to see it." He said, and Faramir's face saddened. "When you proposed, I mean. I suppose you had to beg and plead for her to even consider you?"
Faramir scowled. "You are, as always, a great encouragement, dear brother."
"I try."
"I will not even begin to try and point out all the problems with your heritage, young lady, but I can assure you that no daughter of mine would even dare to wear such… revealing clothing." Imrahil scowled, and the Sue's ... distractions heaved in shock.
"You're Imrahil?" The Sue asked, horrified. Imrahil's brow raised significantly.
"You cannot even recognise your own father?" He asked, a hint of a smile on his face. The Sue shuddered.
"Now I know why mother's affair was only brief."
Faramir couldn't help it, he let out a long laugh at the look of indignation on Imrahil's face, Éomer, Elladan and Elrohir joining in.
"I fail to see what is so humerous." Imrahil said sternly, recovering from his shock. They all quieted down, but Faramir continued to snicker into his mug.
"Now, what are we to do with this… Sue?" Aragorn asked Boromir, who was desperately trying to ignore the Sue as she played with his pant leg.
"We need to find the Elf, he is the only one who can destroy it." He snapped, sighing as she whimpered and clung to his leg.
"Do not destroy me, Boromie! Please, I love you!" She whined, and Boromir tried to shake her off.
"Who?" Faramir snickered, ignoring Boromir's glare.
"Boromie. We are soul mates, destined to rule Gondor for eternity." She cried dramatically, weeping into his pant leg.
"My name is Boromir, Aragorn rules Gondor, and I am dead!" He snarled, ignoring the chuckles around the room.
"An interesting point, Boromie. How is it that you live?" Aragorn asked curiously, a smile on his lips.
"Technically I am not alive." Boromir responded, grabbing a spear from Éomer. "I am in two forms, the real me is still in Mandos, where I am meant to be, and this is just a ghostly form of myself. Except solid." Boromir explained, trying to pry Valerie of his leg with the spear.
"So, your real form is…?"
"Sitting like a lifeless dummy holding the best hand of cards that has ever been seen. Five minutes!" Boromir kicked Valerie viciously. "Couldn't you have waited five minutes?"
"How are you here, then?" Éomer asked, helping Boromir by casually whacking Valerie on the head with his mug, stunning her.
"Why don't you ask her?" Boromir grumbled, moving and sitting beside Faramir.
"How-" Éomer began, but Valerie cut him off, recovering from her head injury far too quickly.
"I was dancing on the beach, mourning for the loss of my love in song. Every day I would do this, my long, raven locks being teased by the breath of the sea."
Éomer choked on his ale and burst into a fit of coughing, and Imrahil pounded his back until he had finished.
"For many years I did this every evening, waiting for him to come to me. Then, one day, as I stood by the sea, I spied a boat floating down the river and towards the ocean."
"I was this close!" Boromir mouthed behind her back, holding his forefinger and thumb a hair's breath apart.
"I walked out to the boat," Valerie continued dramatically. "And there, looking peaceful and beautiful in death, lay my love."
"I thought you looked relatively ugly when you were dead." Aragorn chuckled, and Boromir scowled.
"I bent and kissed his lovely form-"
"My half-decayed corpse, you mean." Boromir interrupted, and a few people wrinkled their noses in disgust. "I have been dead for over a year, I can promise you my form would not have been 'lovely', not matter how stunning I am when alive." Boromir added, sniffing in Aragorn's direction.
"-And wept over his death. My tears fell onto him, and he opened his troubled eyes and said-"
"Something coarse that no maiden should have heard." Boromir admitted, blushing slightly. Faramir chuckled.
"Even death has not changed you, brother." Faramir joked, and Boromir chuckled.
"Aye. And I've spent the last three months listening to her whimpering sonnets of love and devotion whilst trying to find that rotten Elf! Where is he?"
"He has gone to get some food with Gimli, they should not tarry long." Aragorn told his friend, who nodded and stretched his long legs.
"Boromir? If I may ask, how is father?" Faramir ventured, and Boromir shrugged.
"He is well enough, I suppose. He spends most of the time plotting ways of getting a hold of the palantir with Arthedain." He replied casually.
"Ah."
"He does feel bad about trying to burn you alive, though." Boromir added helpfully.
"Tell him it's a comfort to hear that."
"So," Imrahil changed the subject quickly. "Why do you need Legolas? Surely he is not vital to the … downfall of this Sue."
Boromir nodded. "He is, for Legolas has fought off these creatures many times and only he knows what is required." A silence engulfed the room. Faramir was staring at his brother, happy to see him again. Aragorn was staring out a window thoughtfully, Elladan and Elrohir were communicating silently, Éomer was backing away slowly from the Sue, who had begun to flutter her eyelashes at him, and Imrahil was watching Faramir sadly.
'He has yet to realise that Boromir is not here for good.'
After a few moments the sounds of grumbling could be heard coming towards the hall, and Boromir stood up eagerly, watching the door with anticipation as he pulled Valerie up next to him.
"Confound it, Elf, you gave me the heaviest item purposely!"
"I would have though it would be an easy burden for your stout frame to bear."
"You were afraid you would drop it in front of me."
"I had no such fear. I wanted to see how long you could carry it before you had to beg for my assistance."
"Why, you rotten-"
The door opened and Legolas and Gimli walked in, bickering until Gimli caught sight of Boromir, dropping the heavy item he was carrying. "Well, I'll be."
"I knew you were unable to heft such a…" Legolas' voice trailed off as he saw Boromir, gesturing frantically at the Sue. Legolas eyes showed understanding as he took in the female's curvaceous figure, perfectly clean skin, sparkling eyes and rather distracting… distractions.
"Boromir, you cur!" Legolas snarled quickly, whipping his bow from its place in the corner and grabbing an arrow from the quiver.
"Legolas, my dear friend. Why do you look so wrathful?" Boromir asked in mock innocence, placing emphasis on 'dear friend' as he cautiously backing away.
"You murdered my father!"
"I did no such thing!"
"Legolas, steady there lad. Your father would not want this." Gimli, having seen a Sue before, tried to placate the 'enraged' Elf, but Legolas threw his words aside.
"I missed the chance to kill you last time, Orc scum, but you will not get away so easily now!" Legolas snarled, releasing his arrow. His aim was true and the arrow flew towards Boromir's heart.
Like a nightmare Valerie watched Legolas shoot at her One True Love, and a cry of horror escaped her lips as she dived in front of Boromir, the arrow piercing her heart. A collective gasp arose from the room as Valerie sank to the floor, hitting it with a dull thwack.
"Boromie, my love." She whispered faintly. Boromir rolled his eyes, but bent closer to her and held her head up. "I did it for you, Boromie, I love… you." She gasped, and her head lolled to one side as her eyes closed peacefully in death.
With a sigh of relief Boromir let her head drop with a thud to the stone floor, and in a burst of light and angelic choirs the Sue disappeared. Boromir grinned at Legolas.
"Legolas, my friend, you aim was as true as ever." He said, giving his friend a hug.
"Aye, I was just disappointed that the Sue got in the way of my aim." Legolas said casually, grinning and ducking as Boromir went to cuff his head.
"Terrible Elf, really."
"What happened to her?" Imrahil asked, studying the floor where Valerie has lain moments before.
"A Sue can only die one way, tragically. Whether sacrificing herself for her 'true love', or pining away from his loss, her end must be pathetic." Legolas explained, picking up the fallen arrow.
"Then why didn't you run away and let her starve to death?" Elrohir asked Boromir curiously. "It is certainly a tragic ending."
Boromir shifted slightly. "A stern man I may be, but I will not let a lady starve to death on her own, no matter how much she deserved it. At least this way she chose her own fate."
"Boromir, you have a soft side? I never thought I would live to see this."
"Thank you, Elf. Now, my I ask of you to oblige me one more time?" Boromir asked solemnly, gesturing to his torso. Nodding sadly, Legolas pulled out another three arrows.
"Wait! Boromir, you can't leave now!" Faramir protested, his face drawn. "You have to opportunity to live again-"
"Canon has already been destroyed today, Little Brother. We do not want anything else touched." Boromir said, clasping his brother on the shoulder. Thoughtfully he turned to Aragorn.
"Aragorn, my thanks for removing my arrows last time I died. Surprisingly if the cause of death is not removed it remains with you in Mandos. We have one Elf who is walking around with a sword through his throat because he was buried like that."
Elladan pulled a face and clutched his throat.
"If you wouldn't mind doing the same again?" Boromir asked his King, who nodded sadly. "All right then. Legolas, if you will." Boromir said bravely, and Legolas nodded aiming his arrow for the man's torso and releasing.
Thud!The missile penetrated Boromir's chest, and the man's eyes widened and he sank to his knees. "Eru, I forgot it hurt this much." He gasped out, eyes filling with pain.
Thud!"Hurry it up, would you Elf?"
Thud!
"That's it. Oh, this hurts." Boromir collapsed on the floor, and Aragorn had to turn his head, unable to watch the (second) death of his friend. After a few moments, Boromir lay still.
"Now what?" Éomer asked, halfway through an apple.
"Pardon?" Faramir said, blinking his tears away furiously.
"Well, do we bury him, or set him on a boat?"
"Firstly, we remove these arrows." Aragorn said, bending to take them out. In a few moments he had two removed, and a grin spread on his face.
"Maybe I should leave the third one in? As… justice?" He suggested, and Éomer chuckled.
"Perhaps not."
In Mandos…
"Curses father, you cheated!"
"I did not!"
"You did, I know I was not holding two threes, a five and an eight when I left!"
"Denethor, I have a way of getting a hold of the Palantir!"
"Excellent, Arthedain!"
"Do not change the subject!"
"Run along there, Boromir. Go play with Fëanor."
"Yes father."
"Oh, Boromir?"
"Arthedain?"
"A female has been wandering about here looking for you."
"Oh?"
"Yes, she said her name was… Valerie?"
Thud!Pause.
"Was that really necessary, Arthedain?"
"It'll stop him from finding out who cheated whilst he was gone."
"Too true. Now, about that Palantir…"
A/N: This is the second story in my "Series of Uncanon Events", the first being "An Eldar's Influenza". My thanks to everyone who reviewed it, this story is dedicated to them: Ithillen, Faerlas, Jogreenleaf, Earelwen, Garnet Runestar, Erestor, Ak-stinger and Deana. It is also dedicated to everyone who has written a serious story where Boromir has come back from the dead. Thank you!
Oh yes, and J.R.R. Tolkien owns all. And we love him for it.
Please review!
