... Dead?

No. Just fucking tired.

Oh. Uh, makes sense...

Bullshit.

What!

You're so blind. You think that everything's simple. You think that everyone against you is evil...

Why, yes. Yes, I do!

More proof.

Refresh my memory, mister id, but what are we supposed to be?

You just said it! Do I really need to tell you?

Yes, please.

"Mister Id," I ought to kill you for that.

Why don't you?

Because you're the dominate one! If the dominator dies, the other must go with it. Sometimes I really wonder if you're doing your job.

Job?

... Of keeping me out of our thoughts...

I did that?

... By keeping me hidden in the subconscious for so long...

I'm confused.

That's because you're the fucked up one. If you're that inept, then... It... will be inevitable...

It? I wasn't given the details of my importance since... Well, what is "It?"

It's a highly classified occasional occurence. Anyway, are you going to shut up?

Maybe.

God, you need medication, if it wouldn't affect me... Okay, we're the id, as if you couldn't tell. You're the light side, I'm the dark side.

Oh. At least I figured it out.

You see, this is why we can never get along.

Huh?

The sheer difference can't balance us out. You do realize that it was a freak accident that "you" were chosen as the "dominator," right?

Y'know, I suddenly forgot about that.

God, I hate RPG situations.

Say, where are we, anyway?

Well, I told you that we aren't dead, right, dumbass? That's the truth. We aren't dead. We're merely in some sort of time-frozen dimension...

... It can't be.

You fucktard. Who woke up first? Me, or you?

We both woke up! I couldn't believe it either, but they proved it. Our mind is so twisted that you didn't even process a single equation of it!

But... But I do know the explanation...

Then what happened, smartass?

We... got drunk...?

I... How... Just let me dominate our mind, okay? There's no need for your righteous stupidity corrupting it.

Then I remember, I think. Mommy told me to get you banished to the subconscious...

No way. For once, we feel lucid...

What the fuck's going on?

Bowser...? Peach, must be...! MUST KNOW TRUTH!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN...?

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010011100110111100100001001000000101010001101000011001010111001001100101001001110111001100100000011011100110111100100000011011100110010101100101011001000010000001110100011011110010000001110010011001010111000001100101011000010111010000100000011100000110000101110011011101000010000001110100011100100110000101100111011001010110010001101001011001010111001100100001001000000100100101101110001000000110111101110010011001000110010101110010001000000110011001101111011100100010000001110100011010000110010100100000011101110110111101110010011011000110010000100000011101000110111100100000011000100110010100100000011100110110000101100110011001010010110000100000011101110110010100100000011011010111010101110011011101000010000001100100011010010110010100100001

01101011

In the end...

"What happen?"

I opened my eyes. In the middle of a black, star-filled background stood a White Shy Guy. Nothing out of the usual. I'll just call him Bob.

"What?" I reply, sounding insanly tired.

"You were in the process of turning while tossing in!" He said in an amazingly thick Engrish accent.

"Oh, that," I nonchalantly started. "Just the usual things I see whenever I close my eyes.

He just stared at my oddly for a few seconds.

"So please begin for me to allow to have this incident to be straightened," He said in an vaguely familiar language. "Whenever you are doing the work of closing your of eyes, you are in the seeing of floating an very conflicted words and binary code languages?"

"Uh, yeah."

"... OK."

I think about what I was thinking earlier. Um, if that makes sense. Apparently, I was awake before. I was told that I'm now in a dimension frozen in time. I also fell asleep when hearing the explanation of this interference. Huh. I'm wondering about the status of my mind after going through this trip, but I-and then Bob smacked me in the face.

"Hay!" He began. "Do not be believing that your're more muchful purposely messed up more than me! Look at me and to my voice! It stinks of carrots and nastfully and biggotlike pointy teeth! Me and to my job is in the interrupting time moments and talking to much more than language your ear of! I was learnt of many much language to be on only job! Truth be time is when you realize that I'm am yolk more than scrambled brain mind and spiritythan you can undrstandd!"

I try to make sense of that, but think my brain broke.

A few seconds later, in an instant, Bob was completely replaced by... a Goomba. Goomba is a nice shoe stain to feel.

"Alrighy, looks like he got fired, so I'll be your new spirit guide!"

"Eh?"

"Oh, right..." Realized the Goomba. "He couldn't tell you. Alright, here's your purpoose, Mario..."

"A long time ago, there was a placed called the Mushkoop Kingdom. It was a peaceful land. The people prospered. It was the center of the world with its great cities. One day, Mortan Koopa of the royal koopa line betrayed the nation. Actually, he just cheated on his wife by having some blowjob in the castle, but it was made to be a big controversy."

"Primative people."

"... Right. Anyway, Mortan wanted revenge on nothing, so he slipped a crushed pretzel into the Mushroom King's drink intended as a minor prank. Unknown to Mortan, he was allergic to pretzels. Actually, it wasn't enough to kill him, but choking on it really did. After that day, there were no more Mushroom Kings. It became customary for the oldest princess or prince to rule with a chancellor. In a rage, the people threw Mortan out of the land. Banished, he launched a campaign to take back what was taken to him... He wanted to take back to Mushkoop Kingdom by force. He managed to get many Koopas from the Mushkoop Kingdom to join him. Due to the rapid decrease of Koopas, the Mushkoop Kingdom became today's Mushroom Kingdom. Mortan's group became known as the Koopa Clan. His personal army was called the Mortan Minions. His armies weren't attacking yet, but they were storing supplies and growing in numbers..."

"I assume that the Mortan Minions was renamed to the Bowser Baddies?"

"Yes. Mortan and Bowser both had the same personal army named after themselves. Anyway, the daughter of the Mushroom King, who became Peach's grandmother, caught word of this and wanted revenge on Mortan. She paid a Koopa chef a great amount of Coins to kill Mortan. The chef agreed and put in a sort of megavitamin into his food, killing Mortan. Before he died, he got a Koopa hooker pregnant. The child was...-"

"Bowser..."

"Yes. Unlike his father, he didn't adopt a last name due to the prostitute's legal rights. He was raised by Kamek of the Koopa Kingdom, who now resides in the Beanbean Kingdom. You and Luigi were in the stork, when he took him, and... Well, you know the story... You became a doctor, your nurse is Peach, Peach "nurses" you a lot... the usual. Bowser had the Koopalings, who strangely adopted the surname of Koopa, and Bowser Jr., whom Bowser wants to be his successor."

"... I understand. This raises a lot of questions, like the regrowing question of who my parents were, since Luigi and I were just delivered by a stork from an unknown area... And, well, what about the intentions of the Koopa Clan and Mushroom Kingdom? Hearing that story made me reconsider the Mushroom Kingsdom's-"

"That's not important, and it'll never be. There's more. Before you were born, a prophecy was made. It stated that the same twins that were targeted as dangerous to the Koopa family would someday unleash sealed powers within seven star-things and determine the world's fate with a major choice... This was divined by none other than Kamek himself. He was told that the Great Awakening may prove fatal to the Koopa family by his superiors, and he went through with it. Apparently, he did some research later on, and then left the Koopa Clan... This prophecy is the reason you're here, because it isn't time for you to die. It wasn't even a step in the right path. This is your one chance to do things over again. It's up to you to fulfill it to change the world for the better..."

I just stood there, thinking about things... I mean, the Mushroom Kingdom... wasn't it an innocent place? Both seem to be bad in this story, but Bowser is seemingly leaning towards global conquest... but without the Mushroom Kingdom... And what about me? AND HOW LONG DO KOOPAS LIVE!

"Uh, Mario..." started the Goomba again. "Well, in case you're wondering, Kamek got this message through my boss. She possesses the ability to predict all of a person's possible actions in the future. She came to him in a dream to tell him. I guess you can call her some sort of prophet, or oracle... She knows more, but she does things her own way... If she sees the right moment, she'll try to steer you to positive direction. She can't take control of you this way, but she knows exactly when and how to do something. I'm sure she'll reveal herself to you in time... Any questions?"

"Uh, yes... Where do I start?"

"Oh, that. Mario, have you noticed that Randomness is becoming more common these days?"

"Yeah. It's that the reason I nearly died?"

"Yes. Well, Mario, you're supposed to find the source of this Randomness and destroy it. Only then can you fulfill your mission, er, prophecy. There will be clues. Just do what you do naturally, and it should come to you clearly."

"Okay then... I think I'm ready."

"You sure? Okay, I've arranged for you to go back to your time one day earlier before you got sent here. Good luck! I hope you discover all that you need to know on this journey."

When I woke up, it was 12:00. Luigi was cooking what appeared to be a fried dildo, the TV was on across from me... and I was stting on the bed with nothing to do. Until now. Same way as exactly one day ago.

I need to remind myself of the advantages and disadvantages of going back in time. Okay, I might be able to win the lottery, but I forgot the numbers... Forget that. What was I supposed to do? Oh, yeah. Get the fuck out of here. I just got back, and no one remembers what had just happened. I've got to approach this in a calm, logical, and efficient manner...

"LUIGI! LUIGI! OMFWTG THE HOUSE IS GONNA BURN! AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!"

Luigi, hearing me scream at the top of my lungs, responded naturally fine, like every brother should.

"What happened? Did you get your hand stuck in the toaster again?"

"Uh, Luigi... I, uh, just got back from the future's timeless place, and the house gonna burn down due to you not paying bills, or something."

Luigi just laughed. He thought this was some sort of joke? I just grunted at the thought.

"Luigi," I begin angrily. "If we don't go to your mansion for a few days, I'll lose all respect for you, puch you, and shove that fried dildo up your ass!"

"Ugh," He sounded annoyed. "... Fine. We'll leave soon. And- Oh shit! That's right! The bills!"

He ran back towards the Kitchen.

So, after Luigi finishes the bills, we'll go to Luigi's Mansion, and just wait to see what unfolds.

I'm a genius.