"Dear Diary,
Yeah, so yesterday I went to the store after getting my psycho brother out of the house. On the way there, I got shot in the arm, lost five kidneys due to a rabid polar bear in his meatloaf rage, got shot by some 'Giegue' alien, got experimented by a mad scientist's talking testicles, got whacked and woke up behind the bar with my hand in Toad's pants, was forced in a crossfire between the government and some cancer organization, got hit by a car, and then ended up getting shocked by a crazy shopkeeper who thought I stole something! Christ. Not only that, but when I got back, my brother nonchalantly asked why I took so long to get the pasta. I bet no one cared if I died! I must be incredibly secretly depressed. So I must keep bitching about my daily duties. You see-"
"Mail call!"
Dammit! I was just getting to the part where he complains!
I leave my brother's secret diary in the basement. Lounging around with nothing to do, here. We're at Luigi's Mansion, by the way. Anyway, I get up and went to the mailbox outside.
Bored. So bored. Incredibly boring. Okay, how about this?
And so, I arrived at the mailbox outside, but not before valiantly battling the Dastardly Heat Lamp, not before I fought the Deranged Stack of Papers, and DEFINATELY not before I went face-to-face with the Overcooked Spaghetti Monster of Vanda.
I just chuckled at my own musings."Whatever."
I read the mail, but not before battling the Vicious Sight Phenomenon, and NOT before finished off the Unexplainable-
"SHUT UP!"
Did I just scream at my own thoughts?
Regardless, I got Luigi to read the letter to me because I think I supposed to be illiterate.
"Bwar har har hee! Yes, Mario! I, King Bowser, has singlehandedly kidnaped the princess... and set afire to various pasta factories... AND solved world hunger just like that! Yes, you can now see how the precious princess helped degrade the world, but under my control, she'll be my ultimate sex slave! If you don't get here in three days, I'll conquer the world under my just rule! Just try and stop us!
Sincerely, King of the Koopas!"
Another adventure. How vile of him! Kidnaping Peach! Oh well. I'm off again, I guess-
At that moment, an unfamiliar feeling swelled inside me. Everything froze. I know someone's in trouble now...
"He set afire to various pasta factories! There'll be HELL to pay!"
And so, Mario sets off for his most WEIRD adventure yet...
Revenge of Super Mario, or When an Idiot Gets REALLY in' Angry
I have no idea why I felt the need to insert that. Or why I'm interacting with it when I'm not supposed to.
Anyway, I arrive at Bowser's Keep. After knocking, some guy answers on the other side of the door.
"Who is it?"
"Luigi."
"Oh, really? Autograph, please!"
Some guy excitedly opens the door. It's just a Goomba, though I swear I've seen him (her?) before...
"Oh, it's just you, Mario. You know that we're ordered to just let you come in. All we do is just move back and forth mindlessly. We don't get to operate some awesome piece of machinery, either. Hey, you're the same Mario that killed my cousins, right? Good thing, too. They always beat the living carp outta me. Hey, why are you just standing there? Hey- NOOO!"
I don't feel like hearing this talkative shoe stain... So I take out my Smash-Quality Ray Gun and blow the guy's head off! ... Or, at least, what the limbless part of it is. Or something.
"I ain't hardly bullshittin' today! Die, bitches!"
I just sweep through the place, except I have an awesome new gun. Even easier. I don't know why I never bother taking one before. I was the same old procedure of traveling through the castle, and whatnot. Since it was so easy, I was thinking about the massive blowjob Peach'll give me this time for rescuing her. Yeah. Pretty easy. Then again, it always was. I then think about the gun...
I guess Waluigi should get a spinoff adventure with a gun. That'd be cool.
Nothing of interest now that I'm at the top as my mind wandered. Well, things did end up different. When I got to the outside of Bowser's room, a rabid mechanical donkey attacked. It was simple enough to blow it apart, but at least it was something new. Since there was no heavily expected princess to rescue, I felt that I went through this for no reason. That is, until I suddenly notice Bowser's massive stack of porno magazines...
Okay, I'm done now.
I noticed that there was another letter under the porno stash. Now I have time to read it.
"Bwah ha ha heh hawr! I'm a step ahead of you, Mario! I've hidden clues to my whereabouts, each more surprising than the last. Your first clue will be found in the other side of the conveniently-placed dimensional portal.
Love, King of the Koopas!"
Sure enough, there's a conveniently-placed dimensional portal. I think for a second if it's a trap, but knowing Bowser...
I jump in...
