CHAPTER 3: KISS OF DEATH
Darkness.
Blood.
Death.
He was walking slowly, slicing everyone he sees in the way. His whole body suddenly became a killing machine- unstoppable, merciless and oblivious to the world. He lost all sense of direction and logic as his eyes turned as red as the liquid dripping from his hands.
Then, he halted. For a moment, his old rational self resurfaced as he gazed into those warm eyes.
"Kanan." The name was spoken so softly, a sweet melody and careless whisper of the wind.
There she stood, as graceful and beautiful as ever in the yellow billowing dress she was wearing when he last saw her.
"Kanan! I'm here now. Everything's alright. They're all dead. Let's go back home."
A smile that did not reach her eyes.
A tear that spoke of all her sorrows.
"It's too late for that now, my love. I cannot take it anymore. The shock, the pain, the blame."
As these words were spoken, so was the drawing of a knife. It glinted dangerously like the moon's light, promising death to whoever comes near.
"Kanan! Don't!"
"Goodbye."
Blood flowed freely.
Cold, motionless eyes stared at him, mouth opened in a silent O.
The clatter of a knife echoed throughout the walls of the dark room, followed by a loud cry full of longing, anguish, loss and most especially, death.
"AHHHHHH!"
Cho Hakkai's eyes snapped open, his breath coming in shallow gasps. He was sweating and panting. His hair was sticking in all directions, his eyes gaunt and lifeless. It was as if one week of slumber hadn't done him any change.
His green eyes darted back and forth the white room he was in. His mind was still screaming inside him. It was just a dream, nothing but a dream. But he knew it wasn't, even though he endlessly wished for it to be just a nightmare. He could feel the blood on his hands, blood that belonged to the people who killed Kanan, the only person in his life that mattered. He could also feel the coldness of her skin when he touched her dead body, sending shivers down her spine.
He lifted his bandaged fingers, those fingers that killed so many people. He was a murderer. He deserved to go to jail, to be subjected to punishment, to death.
I want to die, he thought, reaching for something on the table beside him, anything that would end his life.
But he found out when he moved his body, he felt a huge jolt of pain and he gasped.
"Hey! You're awake!" someone said as the door opened noisily.
Hakkai came face to face with a brunette with startling wide golden eyes, a meat bun on his mouth.
"I can't believe it!" the brunette said. "Sanzooooo!"
Hakkai winced slightly at the guy's loud voice. He felt as if his eardrums would crack.
"Were you the one shouting?"
Hakkai nodded, his dark thought fading away as he came back to reality. "Where…am I?" he managed to say.
"The hospital. Sanzo's taking care of you. And your friend Gojyo's been so worried, although he wouldn't admit it. I mean, you were asleep for a whole week!" the stranger said in between bites of his meat bun.
A frown appeared on Hakkai's face, causing him to look more stressed than he already is. Who took him to the hospital? Who's Sanzo? And he certainly didn't remember having any friend by the name of Gojyo. What is going on? "I…"
"Want some? I bet you're really hungry after being injured like that, ne?" the stranger said kindly, offering him a steamy meat bun.
Hakkai shook his head politely.
"Oh, come on! It's really good, I promise! It's the best one around here, you know. But don't tell Sanzo about these, ok? He'll be really mad."
Now Hakkai was even more curious as to who this Sanzo guy is. The boy's sentence always consists with his name.
"Sanzo!"
A tall blonde stepped in, wearing a scowl on his face. When his eye caught Goku, he wasted no time in smacking him.
"Ouch! Sanzo, that hurt!" Goku exclaimed, massaging his head.
"You stupid monkey!" Sanzo shouted angrily. "Do you have any idea how hard looking for you is? Not that I want to see you, but if you haven't realized, you just stole a bunch of meat buns from the nearby store and they're all looking for you! And now, I find you waking up my patient! You are so troublesome!" With that, the blonde brought his gun out and shoot at Goku. Again.
"Sanzooooo! I'm sorry, alright? It wasn't my fault! They left the meat buns on the table and I thought they didn't want them anymore so I grabbed them," Goku explained as he hid behind the bed to avoid being shot at. He pouted. "Besides, I didn't wake the mister. He was screaming when I came in."
Sanzo's attention went to the young man sitting on the hard, hospital bed, who a moment ago, was looking confusedly at them.
Hakkai smiled at Sanzo, not understanding everything that's going on and how he came to be in the same place as a hyper active kid and his equally dangerous keeper. "If you don't mind, er, doctor, I have a few questions I wish you could answer," he said in his gentle voice.
"That's understandable," Sanzo said. He turned to Goku, who was still hiding. "Monkey, leave us alone. Go call Gojyo. Wilma knows his phone number."
Goku, who was finally relieved that Sanzo's anger dissipated, readily agreed. "Ok. See ya later, Sanzo. Bye Mister!" he said cheerfully, waving at Sanzo and Hakkai and merrily skipped away.
Hakkai studied the doctor in front of him. There was something recognizable about him and he thought he had seen him before. He looked startled when he saw the man pull out a cigarette and light it, but not as startled when he brought out his gun. Seconds later, the smell of smoke filled the air.
"Are you just going to keep staring or ask your questions?" the doctor asked, obviously irritated.
Hakkai smiled. "Alright," he said. "How did I end up here?"
"Someone saw you and had the decency to play rescuer," Sanzo replied tonelessly.
"Oh?" Hakkai hadn't expected that to happen. He thought by the time he had finished his last attacker, he would be dead. "Who is this someone?"
Sanzo looked at Hakkai's brilliant green eyes. "I don't think that's my place to tell you," he told him.
"I see," Hakkai said.
"What happened to you?" Sanzo asked.
Hakkai's smile faded as his mind started remembering the recent events that led to his hospitalization. Kanan! His inner self screamed. "I'd rather not talk about it," he said, his voice hard.
"As you wish."
For a while, everything was silent.
Then Sanzo said, "Do you honestly think death is the solution?"
Hakkai looked at him again in surprise. "What do you mean, doctor?" he asked.
Sanzo glared at him. "I'm not an idiot. I can see it in your eyes and in the way you look at my gun as if you want it to shoot you," he told him.
A bitter smile graced Hakkai's face. He didn't think the doctor noticed. But he did anyway and that proved him smart. "Sometimes, doctor, there are things…things in this world that you could never bring yourself to remember…The pain is unbearable and you wish for it to stop," he said, trying his best not to break in front of someone.
Sanzo let his fingers drop his cigarette to the floor, where he proceeded to crush it with the sole of his shoe. "Fool," he whispered. "No one can save you but yourself. Not even death has the power to erase those things you want so badly to forget. Live your life the way you want to and don't let anything get in your way. Someone told me that."
Something about those words make Hakkai wonder if he had heard them before. But he wasn't too sure. "You don't understand…"
Sanzo laughed. "Don't flatter yourself. Let me remind you that you're not the only one who suffers in this cruel world. If it pleases you to know, there are others who have much worse conditions that you. So stop feeling like a martyr," he told him dryly.
Hakkai had nothing to say to this. He was too moved by the doctor's words.
"But if you want to die so badly…" Sanzo pulled out his gun and dropped it on the floor beside Hakkai. "Go ahead, kill yourself. I won't stop you any longer."
"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…"
It was the fifth nursery song Goku was singing when the elevator doors opened. He sent a flashy smile at the elevator operator, Mr. Walter, who was so kind to him as is to give him a snack when Sanzo refused to buy him.
"Thanks, Mr. Walter!" Goku said happily as the middle aged man tossed him a candy as he stepped out of the elevator. He grinned. Peach flavor. His favorite.
Goku excitedly popped the candy in his mouth, not bothering to pick up the candy wrapper that fell to the ground as he walked over and sat on the counter.
"Hi Mrs. Kettle!" Goku chirped.
"Goku!" The receptionist scolded. She was a fat, short haired woman who loved children, thus the nickname Goku called her, "Mrs. Kettle". "How many times must I tell you, Goku, to not litter on the floor?"
Goku smiled apologetically. "Sorry!"
Mrs. Kettle sighed. "I hope you're not here to ask for food. I just ate my lunch, Goku," she informed him.
"Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Kettle, I won't! I'm here to call Gojyo. Sanzo told me so," Goku explained as he fiddled with the pencil he found lying on the table.
"And why does our favorite doctor wish my presence?"
"Gojyo!" Goku exclaimed as he hopped from his seat and greeted the red head standing by the door, cigarette in hand.
"Hello to you too, monkey," Gojyo said.
"I'm not a monkey!" Goku protested.
Gojyo smirked. "Oh, really? Then what are you? Oh, I know! A stupid brainless monkey!" he said, enjoying Goku's reaction. Somehow, after having visited the hospital for days, he had become Goku's verbal sparring partner.
"No I'm not, you water sprite!" Goku yelled.
"Stop it, you two," Mrs. Kettle interrupted.
"Fine," Gojyo said. "So, Goku, what's the news?"
Goku shruggede. "Sanzo wants to see you. Maybe because the mister you always visit here's already awake," he said.
"He's awake? Well, it's about damned time," Gojyo muttered as he raked his long hair with hand. "Come on, monkey. Let's go see him."
"Ok! Ok! Sanzo must be missing me!" Goku told him as he followed Gojyo.
Gojyo snorted. That's when hell freezes, he thought.
Hakkai stared at the black gun in his hands. Now he has his chance. He can finally end everything. One pull of the trigger and he could be with Kanan again. No more pain. No more memories. No more guilt.
But a small part of him refused to. That small part of him that agreed with the doctor's words. That small part of him who just want to move on.
By the window, Sanzo stood calmly, eyes trained at him. It isn't common to find a doctor who encourages his patient to commit suicide, Hakkai thought grimly.
He glanced at the gun again. Do it! Just do it! His dark side said. But his body was paralyzed. He was torn.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing!"
A guy with red hair and eyes came inside, Goku at his heels. He was staring at him in shock. "Are you out of your mind!"
"What's going on?" Goku asked confusedly, looking worriedly at all of them.
"Tch. Let him be, Gojyo," Sanzo said.
"But he's gonna bloody kill himself! How can you let him, you corrupt doctor!" Gojyo exclaimed, red eyes blazing.
"He wants to. There's no use in arguing," Sanzo replied.
Gojyo growled and glared at him before turning to the man he saved. "What's your name?" he asked.
"Cho Hakkai," Hakkai said, a bit dumbfounded at the redhead's presence. So this was Gojyo, the one Goku talked about.
"Well then, Cho Hakkai, just to let you know, I won't let someone I just saved to just go ahead and put my effort and everything else I risked for to waste. In other words, I won't let you die," Gojyo said.
"Please…" Hakkai whispered. "Please let me…"
"No." With a move so fast, Gojyo snatched the gun from Hakkai's hands. "Give me one good reason for you to do so."
Hakkai stared at the floor. "I…I want to be with her."
"You're nuts," Sanzo told him.
"My thoughts exactly," Gojyo said. "No doubt whoever she is, she wouldn't want this for you. She wouldn't want you to be happy, forget everything in the past and just go on with your life."
Kanan…The thought of Kanan crying because of him made Hakkai's heart bleed. He couldn't. He couldn't bear to see her cry again. It was too agonizing. Hakkai trembled through his sweat and his knees gave way. He fell to the ground.
"You're right…you're right…She wouldn't-wouldn't…want me to die," he rasped. "Kanan…"
Cho Hakkai stood atop the hill, the wind blowing before him. It was a sunny day, a new day. It had been a few days since that incident in the hospital. Although his wounds had not yet recovered and he still needed to stay at the hospital a little longer, his inner self had healed. Temporarily that is. Of course he wasn't through mourning, crying and reminiscing. There's always a small part of him that ached. But he wouldn't tell it to anyone.
He stared at the words engraved on the tombstone, bearing Kanan's name, birthday and death day. "Kanan…wherever you are…I love you," he whispered as he bent down and placed the flowers he had brought on her grave.
"Be careful. You're still injured," Sanzo said as he stood beside Hakkai.
Hakkai smiled at him. "You worry too much Dr. Sanzo," he said.
"Tch," Sanzo ignored him and stared at the blue sky.
Suddenly, shouts were heard coming from the tree nearby, where Goku and Gojyo were arguing over the food they brought.
"Hey! You ate my sandwich!"
"How do you know it's yours? Is there the words 'Goku's Property' written on the sandwich, huh, monkey boy?"
"But still! I saved it for later! That's mine, you red cockroach!"
"Fine, I'll give it back!" Gojyo pretended to vomit.
"Sanzo! Hakkai! Gojyo's bullying me!" Goku wailed.
Sanzo growled as Hakkai laughed and went over to them. "Now, you two, stop it. See Sanzo's face? Any minute now he might burst. Do you want that to happen?" he said.
Goku and Gojyo gulped and shook their heads. That would be risky, since Sanzo didn't leave his gun back home.
Hakkai smiled. "That's good," he said.
"Ne, Hakkai?" Goku asked.
"What is it?"
"Is it hard?"
Hakkai's brows knitted in confusion. "Hard what?"
Goku scratched his head. "Hard smiling always. You know? Even though you're not really that happy," he said.
Hakkai blinked. He could only wonder how on earth Goku knew. But then again, he had learned that the boy could see a lot of things other people don't normally notice.
Hey everyone! Thanks for all the reviews! Sorry for those typographical errors and wrong grammar! Hope you forgive me! And yeah…Hakkai's RIGHT eye was supposed to be injured, sorry for that…AND for this angsty chapter…
