("Tell me pretty lies
Look me in the face
Tell me that you love me
Even if it's fake
Cuz I don't fucking care
At all."

"I'm only a fool for you
And maybe you're too good for me
I'm only a fool for you
But I don't fucking care at all.")

- blackbear, "idfc"


January 2021

Age 20

Year 4, Special Agent


"How can you be okay with this?!" Maya yelled, pacing back and forth across her bedroom floor as Josh sat silently on her bed, his head leaned back against the wall. "How are you not screaming at her right now?!"

Josh just shook his head. The way his shoulders were drooped down, his head tilted back - he was just defeated. Maya, on the other hand, felt like kicking something. And instead of doing that, she was walking stiffly back and forth, each foot step pounding into the floor harder than before.

"How are you just sitting there?!" Maya steamed, stopping abruptly in front of him.

"I knew this would happen eventually," Josh admitted. "Functionally, we just weren't built to last. Our team was formed to be elite in the peak of our career, it wasn't going to last forever." He bent his head down and his voice went softer as he confessed, "I just didn't think it would be this soon."

"This is not fair," Maya insisted, angry tears threatening to glass over her eyes.

"Life isn't fair," Josh reminded her, straightening as his eyes met hers. "It never has been. You can't control everything and everyone around you, you just have to adapt to what other people do."

"So she just decides to destroy our entire life, make everything we've done for the past eight years completely pointless, and I just have to adapt?" Maya asked, her breath hitching in fury. "That's it?"

"Not everything was pointless," Josh contradicted. He tipped his head to the side. "We grew up together, we worked together. Every single thing that has happened between you and me would not have happened if we hadn't been assigned to this team."

Maya just shook her head.

"Can you imagine our life if we had just been solos?" Josh asked, his brows creasing down. "There was always going to be a life after the team, Maya. But being on the team at all makes the life after so important. Sure, we may not be living here anymore. We may even spend a good amount of our lives on separate missions. But we'll come home to each other." He stood up, pulling her in towards his chest. "And who knows, after a twelve week hiatus maybe they'll decide they don't want to leave, right?"


The next few weeks seemed to drag by. Maya was assigned four multi-day solo missions in the span of less than three weeks, with barely a rest day in between. Josh's working life was no better, and Maya wondered if administration was punishing them for Riley's mistakes. She certainly wouldn't put it past them.

At least being constantly on missions Maya barely had to see her face.

Her time with Josh was scarce and few between, and it seemed that every time they were together it was just for a night. When she got home from a mission and he was there, she would just curl up under his arm in his bed, watching his peaceful face until she could sleep herself. But whenever she woke, it seemed, he had left on a mission of his own early in the morning; she opened her eyes to an empty bed.

She was considering requesting a hiatus of their own. If Riley and Lucas could do it, why couldn't she and Josh?

Unfortunately she didn't get the chance, because the next time she was called to the academy was by their caseworker, Zay, who had messaged her that she had a mission. One that he had to explain in person.

Zay met her in the hallway, keeping pace as they walked briskly to the interrogation rooms.

"What's this about?" Maya asked, avoiding Zay's gaze.

Zay handed her the tablet he was holding as they stopped in front of a door, and she stared down at it and scrolled.

"Remember Ray Torres?" Zay asked. "You guys picked him up after he took out Agent 2012438 in Poland a few months ago. Well, we've been putting him through it and got something about his intel."

Maya's eyes flicked over the words quickly. "There's a mole?"

"Somehow, he got classified information," Zay confirmed. "I need you to find out why."

"If this is a tech breach, shouldn't you be asking Smarkle?" Maya suggested, passing the tablet back to him and crossing her arms.

"I… doubt it's a tech breach," Zay admitted slowly.

Maya narrowed her eyes. "What aren't you telling me?"

Zay sighed. "Something I should be going straight to administration with." He brought something new up on his tablet and passed it over. "You guys went on a mission to Germany in June 2019, almost a year and a half ago. We didn't put it together until Torres let something slip about the company that you were sent to dismantle, Rapp Eckert AG. Lucas placed a drive into their hardware that was supposed to infect their servers with malware that would snake and erase everything."

Maya scanned the digital file as Zay spoke, recalling the mission. That was a mission she could never forget; that was the mission right before Lucas found out about her and Josh.

"The mission was a success," Maya shook her head, confused.

"The drive had a trojan horse that was developed after Smackle handed it over to you guys to take to Germany," Zay explained. "It did what it was supposed to, but the trojan created a copy of the data and uploaded it somewhere before it erased the server."

"What was it that the drive was supposed to erase again?" Maya asked, combing her mind. She'd been on so many missions that she couldn't possibly remember the details of every one.

"The company created a device that could scramble communications and data transference between our European bases," Zay said.

"So that device is still in play?" Maya asked, alarmed.

"That's not the worst part," Zay grimaced, and Maya's eyes widened. He took a moment, chewing on his lip as he pulled something new up on the tablet. "The trojan horse didn't just create and upload a copy of the device's schematics somewhere. It uploaded a key to our system - the kind of key that only high-clearance-level agents even have access to. They're a tool given to a very small number of administrators so that they can access our organization's system from anywhere in the world."

Maya swallowed, the color draining from her face. "You're telling me the drive we placed gave someone direct access to administrative information?"

Zay nodded slowly. "And I'm telling you that the drive was clean when Smackle handed it over. The trojan horse was coded into the drive after she handed it off to Josh."

Maya blanched for a moment, trying to wrap her mind around it. She turned and took a few steps away before turning back to Zay, shaking her head. "No. No, that doesn't make any sense."

"It's the kind of key that only Josh could have stolen from the director," Zay pressed. "So unless you think it was Riley-"

"There has to be another explanation," Maya insisted desperately, rubbing a hand over her mouth as she turned away again, almost talking to herself. "There has to be a reason, I know that Josh wouldn't…"

"I've known Josh better than administration for years and this doesn't seem like something he would do, I want to believe it's a misunderstanding," Zay rambled, "and you know him best so I thought you might be able to get an expla-"

"You think Josh is a traitor?" Maya cut in incredulously, her eyes flicking to him as she put things together.

Zay opened his mouth, but then closed it and shrugged a little.

"Seriously."

"Evidence doesn't lie, but it also doesn't necessarily explain," Zay said. "That's why I came to you."

Maya clenched her jaw, shut her eyes tight for a second and then looked up at the ceiling. She shook her head once at Zay. "Okay." Brushing past him, she began to walk back down the hall.

"Wait," Zay ran after her, trying to keep up, "Maya, where the hell are you going?"

"I'm handling it," Maya stated emotionlessly, satisfied when Zay stopped following her. As she rounded the corner, she sighed inwardly and muttered to herself, "Matthews, I swear to god…"

When she got to him, god help him.


Maya knew exactly where Josh was supposed to be right now, and she was pleading with the world that he would be there - that he wouldn't be somewhere he wasn't supposed to be doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing.

She couldn't even fully comprehend what Zay had told her. It was Josh. Josh, who had been the perfect agent, the successful leader. Josh, who had woven himself into her own heart in a way that she couldn't even explain. She trusted Josh more than she had ever trusted anyone in her life. She trusted him with her life.

There was just no way this could be true. It was a mistake, or someone was framing him. She could not let herself believe that the man she had finally admitted to loving could be capable of lying to her for so long.

She swallowed as she tightened her ponytail, entering the building Josh was supposed to be in at this very moment.

But there were things that she just couldn't ignore either. Every time he'd been doing something on his laptop that he didn't want her to see. Every time he'd actively hidden what he was doing from her. The moment before she was shot when Josh stopped with the flash drive in hand, clearly struggling with something he had to do that was not their mission.

Whoever it was that he had been yelling at on the phone when she woke up.

She'd seen him coding that drive on the plane to Germany.

If it was true, she didn't even know how she would be able to comprehend that.

She watched the numbers blink on the elevator without breathing, knowing that the building was supposed to be empty but still not wanting to make a sound. She stepped off on the fourth floor and breathed deeply as she walked through the hallway, stopping at the figure less than a hundred feet from her.

She loved Josh. She knew she did. She'd loved him for much longer than either of them had been able to admit. She loved him when they both were in denial, believing that they were just having sex without emotional attachment. She'd broken all the rules for him and she hadn't even cared, because he was more important than any rule she'd been taught to follow.

And now she had to lock those emotional attachments away and try to understand what was happening with a clear mind, unobstructed with her bias to him and everything she believed.

"What are you doing here?" Josh asked, coming into the light so that Maya could see him clearly. "You're supposed to be-"

"Stay where you are," Maya ordered, her hand going to her hip, where her gun was holstered.

She knew Josh. She knew he wouldn't hurt her. But if this was true, if he'd really been lying all these years, she didn't really know him at all. And she had no idea what this man would do to protect his secret.

He eyed her hand and stopped still. "What's going on?"

Maya stared him down, her emotionless, poker face training keeping the betrayal and fear she was feeling from showing on her face. "Ray Torres."

Josh's eyebrows creased in confusion, but he didn't move. "That suspect we took in a few months ago?"

"Zay found out where he got his intel," she informed him, her voice wavering a little. Her hand didn't move from her holster. "Do you want to explain to me why you leaked information to an enemy?"

"Where did you hear that?" Josh asked incredulously. He moved forward to her, but Maya pulled her tranquilizer gun, aiming it at his chest.

"Don't. Move."

"Maya," Josh said slowly, putting his hands out in front of him, "calm down. Give me the gun."

"Are you kidding me right now?" Maya asked, bewildered. "You think I'm going to give you my weapon? I'm not your subordinate anymore, Josh. You aren't my leader."

"Think about what you're doing," he tried.

Maya slowly cocked the gun and ordered, deliberately, "Put your hands in the air, now."

Her tranquilizer wouldn't kill him, she knew that. It would knock him out long enough for her to call for backup, take him into custody. Get some answers.

"You're not going to shoot me, Maya," Josh stated, his eyebrows raised.

"I don't want to," Maya agreed. "So, please, don't make me."

"This is so much deeper than you think it is." He kept his eyes trained on hers. "I can explain."

"Stay where you are," she ordered, aiming the gun at his shoulder now. "I will shoot you."

"Why?" Josh asked, seemingly exasperated. "I'd never hurt you. You know that."

"I don't know that, actually," Maya admitted. "I don't know who you are. I can't trust you."

"I am the same man you met when you were thirteen," Josh declared. "And I'm unarmed." He raised his arms a little and opened his jacket to show that he wore no holster.

"Like you'd need a gun to hurt me," Maya scoffed.

"And you don't need one to hurt me," Josh pointed out. "So put it down."

"I can't do that, Josh," Maya admitted. She had hoped that he would say it was a misunderstanding, and that he would just come in and talk with Zay and it was just a tech problem and-

"I'm not going to talk to you while you have a gun aimed at me," Josh declared, lowering his hands to his sides. "So either shoot me, or put it down."

The way that he was speaking made her feel just as he had meant it - subordinate. He was being the leader, being a supervising agent, telling her what to do. Like she was a child. Maya wanted to close her eyes and just pause this. Pause this entire encounter and go back, and try to figure out what went wrong. This was happening too fast and she didn't like where it was going.

"Please, please," Maya begged, dropping her facade as she became desperate, "please don't make me do this."

"This isn't my fault," Josh insisted.

Maya's gun stayed trained at his shoulder. "Please just come in. Surrender yourself and come in for questioning. If you really have nothing to hide-"

"That's not how the justice system works, and you know it," Josh countered.

"Don't make me shoot you," she warned again, her voice laced with fear, dread, and pleading.

"I'm not making you do anything." Josh advanced on her, and Maya jerked back, her gun wavering as he got closer. "I'm sorry, Maya."

Maya's chest twisted harshly as she squeezed the trigger, aiming for Josh's shoulder. Tears clouded her vision as he fell to the ground, a sharp yell of pain escaping his mouth as his face crumpled in agony.

She darted forward and dropped to her knees next to him, her eyes flitting over his body, which wasn't moving. She put her wrist to her mouth, hoping someone on medics was in the area. "I need," she dragged in a breath, nausea tossing her stomach, "I need medical on the fourth floor in-"

Maya gasped as his eyes flew open and he grabbed her, flipping her over and pinning her down.

"I'm sorry, Maya," Josh whispered again, just before everything went black.


"Thank god, you're awake."

Maya blinked up at Josh, her head pulsing with pain. It took a few seconds for her vision to focus, and she grimaced at the genuine worry she could see in his face. She flinched away from his hand resting on her forehead, glaring at him.

"I didn't want to hurt you, Maya, I just panicked," Josh admitted, standing back up.

"Where am I, Josh?" Maya bit out. She glanced around, but all she could tell was that they were underground somewhere. The floors and walls were cement, the air felt thick and damp. Her hair was in her face, but she couldn't brush it away.

Her hands were cuffed around a radiator above her.

"Somewhere they can't get us," Josh stated.

"Who?" She clarified.

"I want to explain everything," Josh said, his face crumpling up, "I really do, Maya. But it's not time yet. I can't."

Maya stared at him, watching as he walked away, towards a table. She struggled against her restraints, trying to figure out how to get out.

"You can't," Josh informed her, as if he had read her mind. "I learned all the same tricks as you, I know every way you could get yourself out of this. You're not getting free, not while I'm still here."

"Where are you going?" Maya asked, still shifting the cuffs above her as she grimaced.

"Beyond extradition." He picked up something on the table and fiddled with it, but Maya couldn't see what it was from her vantage point. She was still on the floor and the table was at Josh's waist height, with his body blocking her view.

Maya shifted again, trying to at least get into a more comfortable position so that when she did free herself, her arms wouldn't be dislocated. "Why are you doing this to me?"

Josh turned over his shoulder, his expression caught somewhere between confusion, sadness, and regret. "I don't have a choice."

Maya looked up at the ceiling, trying to calm her heart beat which was currently way out of control - whether it was fear, anger, or something else, she wasn't sure. Taking a deep breath, she blew her hair from her face, twitching her nose when it just floated back to where it had been before.

"So what was this?" Maya asked, reasoning that the best she could do right now was gain intel. "Who are you working for, what is so important that you threw away everything for?"

"Maya, why do you think you got shot?" Josh asked exasperatedly, turning around to face her with some object in his hand.

"Because we were on a mission which always carries risks," Maya pointed out.

"You were shot, Maya," Josh reminded her. "No one else. All our missions have been in and out with no real injuries, and you, first in her class, got shot over the rest of us. I wasn't even first in my class. Riley and I were both second."

Maya glared at him. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I just want you to remember that I did it all for you."

A harsh laugh strangled its way out of Maya's chest, the ridiculousness of the situation creeping in. "Don't you dare say you're doing this for me. Don't you dare pretend you're doing me a favor. Not after all the time you spent getting inside my head, gaining my trust." She stared at him, her gaze piercing him through the bone. "I broke the rules for you. I betrayed the team's trust, I permanently altered the most important friendship in my life, and I risked everything we worked for. You know why?"

Josh stayed silent, his expression frozen, deadly calm.

"Answer me," Maya ordered, narrowing her eyes. "You know the answer. Don't shy away now, Joshua." When Josh still didn't speak, she shook her head slowly. "You know what I think it is?"

Josh swallowed, his fists clenching so hard around the thing in his hand that his knuckles were white.

"I think you're a coward," she declared, tracing his body for any reaction. "Because only a coward would betray everything he ever worked for and everyone who loved him like this.

"You know that's not who I am," Josh contradicted, his voice still low as he kept her gaze locked on his.

"Then what?" Maya asked, her voice cracking. "Was it all just a strategy? A play to make me trust you? You had Riley's trust because you're her brother; you had Lucas's trust because you were roommates for years. I was the one unknown variable and you needed a connection, so I would trust you. Was it all just a game to you?"

"You know me better than that," Josh stated coolly.

"Do I?" Maya asked softly. She stared straight into his eyes, no shying away.

"I cared about you more than anyone else on this team, and that was a weakness," Josh reminded her. "That's the first rule. Don't emotionally compromise yourself. I broke all the rules for you too. And I can't let you get hurt."

"You really think this isn't hurting me?" Maya whispered, her chest clenching with the effort to keep herself together.

Josh stepped forward, conflict playing over his face. It was clear to her that he was hurting too. But he was the one choosing to do this. "I love you, Maya. I admitted it to you first and I'll always put you first. I'll protect you no matter what I have to do because you mean more to me than any orders or morals I have. Without you-"

"If you think you'll have me after this you're seriously delusional," Maya spat.

"One day you'll understand," Josh said quietly. "Someday I'll explain everything and you'll understand why I did this, why I did all of this."

"I'll never understand."

Josh swallowed, pursing his lips as he walked towards her and bent down in front of her, his eyes a couple inches from hers. She resisted the urge to spit in his face.

"Just… just remember that I'll never hurt you," he whispered, leaning forward to press a kiss on her forehead as his hand snaked around her back.

She could almost feel comfort at his touch. Almost.

But then she felt the prick of the needle at the base of her skull, and she jerked, her eyes flying open as she watched him move back quickly, capping the sedative he'd just injected her with.

"You'll be fully out in a few minutes," he said, standing back from her as she felt her limbs start to weigh down as though made of cement. He was swimming in her vision, but she could almost swear she saw tears running down his face. "Farkle will be here when… when you wake up."

"Please… don't do this," Maya mumbled desperately, the last bits of her mind swirling away and leaving only pure heartbreak behind. "Please don't… leave me h…"

"I love you, Maya."

She heard the door slam shut.


A/N: Remember when I said the next few chapters will be short? Yeah apparently I lied to myself and everyone else and accidentally wrote the longest chapter yet.

I am expecting some very hurtful reviews posted and I'd like to request that you remember I'm a human being and that this is a story that I am writing because I enjoy writing it, not because I'm here to obey what you say. I don't gain anything from any of you by posting my stories. I'm a developed author and I write what I want - you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

And please trust me. This was always the plotline, even from the very beginning. Someday Maya will understand, because Josh is doing all of this because he doesn't have a choice, because he's protecting her.

Because I know that some of you will choose to bully me instead of being civil, I've turned on review auto-filters. The system will scan anything written and immediately delete it if it has anything resembling profanity. Nobody will see your review, not even me. If you want your review to be read, you'll have to use civil words.

Hoping to preserve my mental health.

C