Chapter One | the end of the beginning

I had been told when I would be transitioning into a vampire the pain would be unbearable.

The entire time I was to be soaked in pumice and I would wish that I would rather be dead.

The pain was indeed unbearable, but nothing was more unbearable than the continuation of my baby's bones being broken.

It was a soundtrack that was engraved into my skull and no matter how much I tried to carve it out it was on repeat. I was being tortured and I wanted nothing more than to scream, I wanted to claw my way through this shell of myself and come out anew. I wanted to find Edward and fucking kill him because he killed my daughter, he killed my Renesmee.

I was bathed and cleaned and dressed in a soft cotton autumn dress and every moment they moved me I would have the pain erupt around me even more. My heart was broken, there wasn't anything there. I never even got the chance to see what Renesmee looked like, instead I saw Edward having his knee propped up as though he was going to break a piece of wood in half. He was bringing down not a piece of wood but our vulnerable and newborn daughter upon that knee of his without any true emotion radiating upon his features.

I did not know how long I lay upon the bed they had chosen for me in the beginning. I could smell the cleaning products and the texture of the bedspread underneath me for I was hypersensitive in my second life now. I knew my stomach would be closed up and flat, the vampire venom making it to where I was perfect, but there would be no Renesmee waiting for me in Rosalie's arms. Rosalie would have been downstairs, caring for Renesmee while I would be going through my transformation but that never was going to happen. None of what I had imagined would happen.

Then, after two days in which I was transformed into a vampire my crimson irises fluttered open and all around me I could see everything.

Every dust note that cascaded throughout the room, the beams of sunlight that came through the window of the room. The room happened to be in calming, soothing colors as though I was some mental patient that was being observed to make sure I would react the proper manner. The limited furniture that was around me was wiped down with bleach and other cleaning supplies, and I could see the very motion of the rag when it had been used.

Across the bedroom stood my vampire in-laws. Edward's two sisters and two brothers, along with his adoptive parents. The men were in front of the women.

Jasper was the one who was most tense, as was what was expected from a Confederate Major that was a part of the Southern Vampire Wars (a group of wars in which a Mexican vampire named Maria turned people into vampires so they could take back the land that was stolen from her, Jasper had been in charge of taking care of the ones that had grown useless). His dirty blonde hair was pulled back in a low bun and his muscular, tone but not too big figure was covered in a button up shirt, dark washed jeans, and some nice dress shoes. He had his hands out spread behind him like wings, to protect his mate, Alice.

Alice was tiny, she was barely even five feet and Jasper made her more dwarfed. She had the figure of someone who had dealt with an eating disorder in her past life and her black hair was in a beautiful mess upon her head–chopped and spread out in random directions. She had on a cashmere sweater, designer jeans and of course expensive boots that must have real diamonds spread throughout them. She seemed as though she both wanted to be behind Jasper but not at the same time.

I had a random thought of decapitating the girl's head off of her body for not getting to Renesmee in time but knew that she hadn't been able to see the future when it came to Renesmee. She had tried in the end, but it was too late. So no, I would not actually kill her. She had tried to help me, and she would help me by telling me where my bastard husband was.

She nodded her head at me, which in return made some of the stress that was emitting from me disappear.

My muscles loosened up and I turned away from Alice and Jasper to the other siblings.

Emmett, big and burly, Emmett was wearing a plaid button up shirt with an old college sweater, dark washed jeans, and some hiking boots. Rosalie was behind him, and she wore clothes that should be on the cover of a magazine, the colors were all shades of white and pink. Her hair was a beautiful blonde that fell in soft curls down her back.

Off to the side away from their children were Carlisle and Esme, my parents-in-laws.

Esme was a little shorter than average and was quite curvy, with a little thicker waist. Her caramel hair was against her shoulder blades, and just like Rosalie's, it fell in soft curls. She was dressed in a simple white dress, along with white flats. Carlisle had his blond hair an almost golden hue, and was in perfect condition, brushed out so that each strand was in its proper place. He was dressed in an Oxford white button up shirt, khaki pants and dress shoes.

"Where's Edward?"

I didn't pay attention to the ethereal voice I had now, instead my mind was still focused on Edward. No one spoke for a minute, and I dug my fingers into the bed, making it fall down in a crash from my inhuman strength. Jasper went to send out calm emotions to me, but I shot him a hateful look that had him second guessing on sending me calmness. I knew he would have been in the same position as me if he and Alice's daughter or son would have been killed by Edward.

My throat was burning, flames licking on the inside of my esophagus. I was reminded how I needed to feed, and I closed my eyes. I didn't take a deep breath because I knew it would make my throat hurt even more.

"I saw what happened. I saw him murder our child. He broke her spine by slamming her against his knee as though she was a piece of firewood. Please, tell me where he is."

"He's in Alaska with our cousins."

My eyes opened again, noting how Rosalie had gone to go around Emmett, there was hatred in her eyes and her voice too. I was certain she would have murdered him in cold blood before I would wake up.

She knew that I was the one who needed to kill him because he had killed my daughter, and he didn't kill her child. So, she would help me. She had gotten so close to me through the pregnancy, it was almost as though he had murdered her daughter as well since vampires couldn't have children and Rosalie had always wanted one.

My fingers went up to my throat and I closed my eyes, not paying attention to anyone around me, and pulled my hand away from my throat a moment later.

I turned and focused my attention on each family member, before saying, "I'm really thirsty, so I need to go hunt. I don't care which one of you comes to teach me but when we're done, we are going to Alaska. I will kill Edward and you will not get in the way."

My eyes opened and I noted how everyone nodded their heads, there wasn't any conflict that was present between Esme and Carlisle.

They nodded their heads to each other before they turned and looked at me. Carlisle took a deep breath and spoke, "Esme and I will come with you to Alaska. As of now Edward is not a part of this coven. He killed an innocent baby, his own flesh and blood, so he is not our child anymore. We're sorry that you lost Renesmee."

I let out a soft hiss at the mention of her name. I liked to imagine that in time I would be able to say her name and not feel as though someone was stripping the inside of me away with long fingernails that were sharp. For now, though I knew whenever her name would be mentioned all I would feel was pain, so much pain that was unbearable.

"I would like to take her hunting."

My crimson eyes flickered over to where Rosalie was, her eyes going from where she was looking at me to her adoptive parents. Esme and Carlisle turned their attention towards me, as though silently asking me who I should take hunting and if it was okay if Rosalie took me.

"Yes. I'd like for Rosalie to take me."

"Very well, when you get back, you'll take a shower because the first time you will end up ruining your clothes and get dirty. Then you'll change clothes, and we'll go up to Alaska," Carlisle informed me, earning a sigh from me but I knew he wasn't going to keep me away from Edward. Renesmee was his adoptive granddaughter, he lost her too.

Rosalie went towards the windows that were in the room and unhatched two of them, since they were the type that were 180-degree hinge windows that open like doors.

She motioned me forward and I gave one last look at my family, because even though Edward had betrayed me no one else did so they would always be family. That didn't mean I would live with them after this. All I knew was they would hold a special place in my heart but for the time being I needed time on my own.

Closing my eyes, I rushed forward and leapt out of the windows without having any instructions from Rosalie. The wind came and blew around my hair, only for me to land in a roll upon the yard. I stood up, no worse for wear, even though mud had already streaked across the dress they had forced me in when I was unconscious and going through the transformation.

I could only hope that when I would finish hunting there would be some denim pants and some t-shirts along with other casual clothes because I was not going to be running around the country and eventually the world dressed in the most expensive fabrics. I wasn't like the other women in the family, who got their clothing cues from Alice. All part of being a seer, but I couldn't care less about the latest fashion trends that were going to happen.

Rosalie led me in the direction of where the river was, her blonde curls blowing beautifully from the wind. There was so much agility and anger that was radiating from her. It was obvious she was going to hunt with me, and she was going to imagine every animal she would come across was Edward. Just like I would end up doing that, only I would not have any of the anger go away until I would see my newlywed husband in front of me.

"Close your eyes and focus on the sounds around you. There is a group of deer not too far from here. Tell me how many you sense," Rosalie instructed me and I did so easily, before telling her details about the deer, such as how many there were, how they were actually eating, and I could hear it.

"Let's go."

I focused my attention on the hunt and tried to push the whole killing my husband off to the side for a moment. The very second, I put my teeth through the fur of the deer I was born anew once more as the blood poured down my throat and dripped out of my mouth onto my clothes and my throat. I drank from the deer with a desperation to soothe the burn within my throat.

I didn't count how many of the deer I drank from but when the burn was controllable, I turned and saw Rosalie leaning against one of the trees. She held pride upon her perfect features at the sight of me being able to focus my attention on hunting. I did hate how she had not one speck of blood that was upon her face or even her clothes. She smirked even more as though she were the mind reader in the family and not my husband.

Rosalie opened her mouth to say something only for the sudden smell of human blood to permeate through the woods. I zeroed in and noted how it was a group of rock climbers and someone had slipped so the palm of their hand sliced on one of the rocks. Yet instead of having an unquenchable thirst at the blood, nausea came over me instead.

Rosalie had tensed some from her own thirst towards the person all those miles away from us, but she was more surprised when she saw I had wrinkled my nose back as soon as the blood had come to the surface of that hiker's palm. She seemed to put it together faster than anyone else would and showed some respect towards me.

"This is the first time that I've ever seen a vampire show nausea towards human blood, especially for a Newborn. Edward told me you had a thing against blood when you were a human, and how he had to carry you to the nurse during Biology class because you swore you could smell it and it made you feel sick," Rosalie confessed, earning a nod from me.

We turned and went back in the direction of where the house was, the deer had calmed me down some, but I knew I would snap when I would be greeted with Edward in front of me again. He was pathetic, and a coward. Having murdered his own infant daughter, the day she had been born, he had decided he would run away while I was going through my transformation. Neither of us knew I would end up needing only two days instead of three like every other vampire out there.

Arriving back at the house I climbed up the side of the house and went into the same room that I had been in earlier. There was a bathroom connected to the bedroom and there were new clothes that were sitting on the bed for me. I didn't pay attention to the clothes and went straight into the bathroom to turn on the shower while Rosalie was most likely downstairs telling them about how my reaction to human blood was nothing like any of them had seen.

I turned and glanced at myself in the mirror of the bathroom, finally noticing how I looked.

My brown hair that used to be limp and dark with little streaks of natural red highlights was vibrant now in my second life. It was fuller and had more life, had its own volume that to humans could only be accomplished by hair products.

My eyes were a vibrant red and were framed with luscious dark eyelashes that fluttered across my cheekbones when my eyes closed. My nose was the perfect measure and wasn't too big nor too small, and my lips were plump in a seductive manner. Overall, I resembled a more Hollywood version of myself than the usual plain jane version I had when I was human.

My figure was curvier but still soft in a way, but at the moment most of my skin along with my hair was streaked with blood. Nausea came over me again, and I gagged before I pulled off my clothes and stepped into the shower. There were all the right products for hygiene on one of the shelves that were carved into the white marble wall to my right of the shower.

The shower I took was the fastest, shortest shower I ever took and once I got out and stepped onto the stylish cotton bathroom rug, I dried myself off faster than any human could. I slipped on some of the softest and most comfortable undergarments, simply white but still delectable. I pulled a burnt orange sweater which was a half turtleneck, along with a white fluffy button up cardigan and dark washed jeans. Rolling some fuzzy black socks, I put on some black ankle high heeled boots. I brushed out my hair and blow dried it before leaving the bathroom.

Going downstairs, I noted how the rest of my family were gathered around the coffee table in the living room section of the open floor planned modern styled front room. All the expensive furniture, paints, woodwork and stonework were nothing but an eyesore for me now. I used to find the beauty of this house so warm and welcoming, but it was colder now, and I was detached from its glamor. Perhaps it was because my daughter had died in this house.

Reaching my family members, I paused when I saw what looked like a small, elegant wooden coffin that was the perfect size for an infant. My body stiffened at the wooden coffin that had different flowers and vines carved into the top of the coffin. My daughter's name was carved at the bottom of the coffin in perfect calligraphy.

"Who…who made this?"

Emmett reached his hand up and rubbed the nape of his neck, "I made it. Jasper carved in the design and her name."

Before either of my brothers-in-law could react, I hugged them though they grunted (and I apologized having realized that I was stronger than an average vampire right now), tears rising in my eyes but not able to fall.

It was a true curse that I could not cry, for I knew the best thing I needed was to have a good cry. Also, I would have destroyed a good bit of the woods surrounding the property if it weren't for the fact that I wasn't alone when I woke up. I had a support system, they disowned Edward.

They were making sure that I would know they wouldn't accept their family member killing their own child the moment she had been born.

They didn't try to defend him, telling her that he was only looking out for her and the rest of the family. It was the only thing that would allow me to keep them in my life, to know they were as innocent as me and they hadn't imagined Edward would have killed Renesemee. No one in the right mind would have imagined a father would kill his own child.

"I…I would like a minute alone with her," I whispered, my ethereal voice another reminder that I would have eternity without her. I had expected to live the rest of forever with a loving husband who adored our daughter to the moon and back but that wasn't what was going to happen.

I didn't look away from the coffin, but if I had they would have already been gone. I nervously went forward and held my hands out above the coffin, my fingers and hands were shaking. I didn't know if vampires could actually shake in emotion that was from heartbreak but here, I was. I was obviously showing that I was even more different than normal vampires.

Opening the top of the funeral casket, my mouth fell open at Renesmee lying within the coffin.

If it weren't for the sickening crunch of Edward breaking her spine, I would have thought she was sleeping.

She had such a perfect mixture of warmth and cool paleness to her skin; her cheeks were chubby, and her lips were tiny. Her eyes were closed, and her eyelashes rested peacefully upon her cheekbones. There were reddish brown ringlets that rested around her head, her hair being the right mixture between mine and Edward's hair. I knew she would have had my brown eyes, Edward's green eyes from when he was a human was lost about a century ago.

She was dressed in one of those baptism gowns, and the white lace that bellowed around her. She was a little angel and without thinking I reached in and picked her up. I held her against me and cried, as I could feel the broken bones in her spine. I rocked her in my arms and tried to hum a lullaby. I remembered Renee singing the lullaby to me very off tune but apparently, I had eagerly taken it as a baby. I sang this lullaby even though Renesmee wasn't able to hear it.

"Esme. Alice. Rosalie."

All the women in the family appeared around me, their eyes watering at the sight of me holding Renesmee in my arms. I passed her to each of them and allowed them their time to hold her before I put her back into her casket. I closed the lid and carried it into the backyard, before finding the hole that had been dug for her. I placed the casket softly into the hole and pressed my fingers against the surface of the wood.

Esme handed me a gardenia bush for me to put in with the casket, since the flower meant childhood and family. I sniffled some as I whispered, "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I'm a terrible mother."

Esme shook her head as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me against her, "don't you dare say that! I know that I felt that for a long time it came to my son, but don't you dare think that! You're not a terrible mother, Renesmee knew you loved her from the very moment you realized you were pregnant with her."

Alice took one of my hands and squeezed them.

"You will never forget her; you will forever have her in your heart. There will be times that you will want to hide away from the world or burn it all down because of what happened but in time you will slowly heal. It will be some time when you are away from us, and I don't know how long, but I know that you will come back happier and healthier."

"Thank you, thank you all. I know sitting here won't help the healing, so I'm ready to go up to Alaska and confront Edward," I decided, earning nods from the women before they pulled away from me. I stood up and cleaned off the dirt that was on me.

I had barely said this when the men in the family appeared. Carlisle came forward and pressed his hand against my cheek in a fatherly manner.

"I'm not going to get in the way of whatever you decide will be the punishment for Edward. Just know that we will always be family, and that we will always welcome you in our house if you ever decide to come back."

Jasper stayed in the background, his hands clasped together behind his back, before he came up to me when we went to the back doors of the house.

I gave him a curious look only for Alice to say something, "Jasper is staying behind. He's going to contact our family lawyer to have a death certificate made for Edward and to take some of the deeds to our houses in the past. We have plenty of them over the years so we are giving you some, you don't have to keep them, but you can use them. You can give us the deeds back when you come home."

Jasper sent out a burst of support and warmth to me, earning a small smile from me. I hugged him a little longer than I used to when I was still human and pulled away from him. I gave him a look, trying to memorize him, and how he stood there with all those bite marks upon his skin from the Southern Vampire Wars. He had his own demons, his own problems, and yet he was still here, and he was still part of this family despite the sins that were drenched in his venom.

Turning away from him, I stepped out of the house and towards the woods. Soon I would kill my husband and be Bella Swan once again.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: here's the first chapter of 'Adrift'.

Twilight doesn't belong to me

-Emmy