Killua's fit of hollering that started before the whole fiasco was aggravated by his close evasion of death. It was only when calming Gon that he'd put it on pause.

Now alone with Nanika in the kitchen, Killua hollered to Nanika. "Where was Illumi the whole time? Where were you this whole time?"

Trying to mollify his voice's growing obsession with volume, Killua took a deep breath and turned away for several moments.

He discovered a bowl of unbaked cookie dough on the kitchen counter.

Killua grabbed the bowl and stuffed some dough into his mouth. He continued through chews, "Illumi was furious towards the end. I felt it. His bloodlust reached everyone in the vicinity. The incident is all in that lunatic Hisoka's credit. You and Illumi are on the same side, for goodness's sake. Why did neither of you do anything to help me until the very end?"

"Yes, Illumi's long-standing goal is to bring you under control. That is what 'his side' wants, so to speak." Nanika began.

"But brother, you forget–that I am to make Illumi feel proud, not safe." Nanika said as she snatched the bowl of cookie dough from Killua and devoured it in one unnaturally big bite.

She continued, "Setting and meeting goals is methodical and safe for Illumi. He doesn't feel intensely about any of it. On a procedural, day-to-day basis, Illumi is your trainer, mentor, brother, parent, babysitter, et cetera."

Killua reddened. "Babysitter? That's not relevant."

He snatched back the bowl and arched his eyebrows in a moment of personal offense at the meager crumbs left over.

As the blatant, uncaring wish-fulfiller that she was, Nanika ignored Killua and continued. "But somewhere deep in those soulless black eyes, lurks a green-eyed monster. An emotion called jealousy."

Nanika and her own soulless black eyes were radiating glee at her theatrical monologue. "It is a primitive little monster that throws a fit if a sibling is treated better by its parents. It cries if a peer is more accomplished than itself. It pushes itself into dark thoughts and actions if it feels unfairly deprived."

"It is this very monster that made Illumi train you so hard that you would one day become ever more powerful than him, but infinitely more twisted. It is the one that makes Illumi love you so much that every day, he takes the phrase "loving someone to death" to the extreme, using poison and torture to bring you breathtakingly close to death so that you may remain resiliently alive."

"Somewhere in those soulless eyes, the inkling of pride at the idea of Killua dead overshadowed the waves of pride at the idea of Killua rescued."

Nanika saw it all.

And yet…Illumi himself ended Gon's choice. He made the decision. Illumi's interference saved Killua.

How was the emotion to be reconciled with the action?

Illumi was a twisted individual, twisted in many ways–in character and in congruity. Where there was steely loyalty towards his family, there was also a starving urge for individualism. Where there was overpowering bloodlust and sociopathy, there was also the barest trace of affection for his fellow sociopath, Hisoka.

Where there was an undeniable sense of duty to raise the next Zoldyck heir, there was also a deep, hateful jealousy advocating for his own right to the position.

Yet there was also a twisted love for that very contending heir.

There was no reconciliation for these conflicting extremes. That was Illumi.

Illumi. The heartless assassin who occasionally baked a batch of cookies—sometimes even unpoisoned ones.