Chapter 22
Bad Place could become a Slightly Less Bad Place?
When: The next day
Where: Lower level of the warehouse
I distributed the calculators, pleased to discover they worked in the "light" of the afterlife, to those that could use them. I put the small clocks in various locations so they could be seen easily, such as when just entering the warehouse or by the front desk of the library. Everyone agreed to check them and keep them wound but I actually assigned someone to go around and check them every day because as soon as "everybody" was going to do something "nobody" would do it. (for the most part) The calculators were the bigger hit though, people were getting tired of trying to do math in their heads when trying to figure out how many bricks to bring for a factory wall and such.
We were telling the story about returning to life when Michael came in, looking serious.
"You haven't changed your mind about the calculators, have you?" I asked him. Please don't say you found the gateway. It would be just my luck you would go down there for some bizarre reason or felt it with some weird celestial sense I don't know about or Janet told you because she knew it somehow or…
"What? Calculators? You can have all the calculators you want. I'm here about the three celestials you caught on Earth."
"They didn't escape, did they?" Whew.
"Escape? No. But come to think of it that would make our lives a lot easier. I'm here because we have no idea what to do with them. Oddly, celestial society, if it can be called that, doesn't have a lot of rules in place. Especially for illegally constructed gateways to the living world. We figured the first one was a fluke and didn't bother to create any laws banning them. Honestly we didn't think any but the main gateway could exist. But now we know differently. They can be built, have been built, and the inhabitants of Earth harmed by celestials. Clearly there needs to be some kind of punishment but we can't agree on what. The Good Place celestials want to just forgive them, while the Bad Place celestials want to torture them. More for getting caught and making them all look bad than for the actual deed, but there you are."
Torture, of course. The whole only having a hammer situation.
"Then it was suggested we take a page from your lawbook, which I take it still only has the one page?"
I nodded.
"So, you figure it out."
"What?"
"We can't exactly go back to Earth and ask them what punishment they would want for these three. You're the closest to human souls we have, having never been tortured and thus, still have your faculties. And you're the leader so whatever you want done with them, that's what it'll be. Punishment by proxy, but it's all we can offer you by way of restitution. Until the original humans all die, but making them wait around in a cell until that happens doesn't seem right either."
"I want them as my butlers!" someone in the crowd shouted.
"We're not having them as butlers," I shouted back, exasperated. "Please be serious. Stefan, was that you?"
"No! I mean, no," said a voice trying to sound deeper.
"Uh huh." I sighed. "Where are they?"
"Bad Place. Good Place doesn't have a lot of holding cells."
"Really? Imagine that. Fine, let's go see what they have to say for themselves. Stefan, you seem keen on this, you can come too."
"Do I have to?"
"You do now!"
"Fine. Was going to ask if I could go anyway! So there."
"Of course you were."
I was joined by Ramesh and Siew Yan and we boarded the train bound for Bad Place. Ugh, really wanted to hide that machine before I left, but hopefully this won't take long? And there's no reason to go down there. Please, no one, go down there. It's bad enough these three know-
"What are you thinking about?" asked Janet. "Your face is all scrunched up."
Not an illegal portal back to the living world! That's for sure! "Just how strange this situation is. A human soul passing judgment on a celestial? Don't you have a court? I've heard about this judge so I assume you do."
"No one likes disturbing the judge, and we only have the one. She likes… extreme solutions."
"Like The Button."
"Exactly like that. If we can keep her out- I mean if we can not bother her with this, I think everyone will be happier."
"How do we know the whole button thing wasn't an act, and she just doesn't like doing her job and plays up situations in the hope you'll think exactly what you're thinking and leave her alone?"
"In that case, mission accomplished I guess?"
I laughed.
"Oh, I made a funny? I could never get the hang of human humor, maybe I'm getting it a little."
"Don't try to force it, you'll only make it worse." Please don't start telling me knock-knock jokes. I know you know every one in existence."And it's tough. Torturing human souls was all they knew for thousands of years. It's been less than a year, can I really blame celestial beings for being slow to adapt? Humans are slow to adapt, and that's our specialty." After racism, I mean. "Computers have been around forty years or more now in their current state, but some people are still clueless about them. That's just one example. It's all they know. Granted they really went out of their way..." It's like they're addicted to it. They were looking for their "fix." You don't punish an addict, you get them clean and give them coping mechanisms so they can manage the temptation to use. How can I do this here? In this case I've got a whole species of addicts to deal with, not just these three. They are just the first to be caught. The more souls leave, the more of a problem it's going to be for them.
"I'm sure you'll come up with something fair."
"I hope so."
Leaving the station we saw conditions hadn't improved since the last time we had been here. Souls still stood, sat, leaned, or lay anywhere they could. They hardly glanced at us coming out of the building, and we again got the full effect of the traffic noise and bad smells the place was generating.
"Why did I agree to come back here?" Siew Yan asked rhetorically.
"To keep me safe," I told her. "And I'm grateful, you didn't have to come but I appreciate that you did."
"Oh, no big deal."
"The prison is several miles away from the station," Michael told us, pointing. "Maybe Janet can make some kind of flying car if you don't want to walk?"
"Didn't you come from there?" I asked. "Just teleport us over there!"
"Magic, right. Always forget about that." He gestured, and we vanished. The guards waved us in and after a moment of passing through security doors and such we stood before the three who had caused us trouble. They looked fine, their human forms completely restored.
"This is your plan, Michael?" said one, gesturing to us. "Human souls? Come on, make a decision already!"
"It's not for me to decide," he told him. "You hurt humans, so humans get to determine your sentence."
"That's crazy! They're nothing. I've been alive a million years, you think I want to be talked down to by a stupid ape? I'd rather be retired, at least that's a dignified end for a celestial."
Retired? No idea what that means. "No remorse then, not sure what I was expecting," I told him.
"Of course not. We have one job to do. Torture you people. If you aren't coming here fast enough then we'll just have to find other places to do our job."
"Just the way it is, huh? The old status quo. That's how it's always been, and what not."
"That's right. It's nothing personal."
"Fine. Then that's your punishment." I was going to offer them community service or something but they're annoying me. A better soul would forgive them, but me? I'm only human.
"What?"
"You want to torture human souls? Great. Hope you really, really get your kicks from it. That's all you're going to do from now on. That. And nothing else. Ever. Janet, can chains be made that they can't break with magic?"
"Not really," she admitted. "But tough enough they would be caught before they got them off."
"Fine. They will be assigned a small booth and be chained there. No communication with them by other celestials is permitted. A single human soul will be brought to them. They may perform the one torture they have chosen for the standard length of time that torture typically takes. That human soul will be taken away. Another soul will be brought. If another is not available, they will simply wait. They will never see the outside of their cubical again. They will never speak to anyone of their own kind again. They will simply perform their one selected torture, over and over, until the end of time or until there are no more human souls to torture."I can see a day, in the very, very distant future, where we can finally do away with this place. Where people don't go negative in their lives because they actually see more than what's in front of their noses. That portal we had, that could be the start. But how to do it? Carefully, but it could be done."That's their punishment, giving them exactly what they have just told me they want."
"Uh..." they all said, seemingly not sure if I had just threatened them with a good time or that eternity doing only one thing and not ever seeing anyone ever again wasn't what they had in mind.
"Perhaps, if I remember, in a million years or so I'll stop by, see how you are all doing. If I remember. Does that satisfy, Michael?"
"You've pronounced justice, I'll make sure it gets done."
"Fine. I no longer wish to look at these so called 'celestials' because they are going to be mindless automatons for all eternity, while I change, and learn, and grow. They are beneath me." I spun on my heel as they cried out and tried slinging magic at me or rattling the bars or whatever. I didn't care to look. I figured the cell was proof against such things how would they still be in there otherwise? Their dedication to fairness? No. I left without another word.
"Wow, that was, that was something," Michael told me as we left. I was seething. Celestials, above us? How dare they? They chose to emulate us, to walk around in human form, and even reality itself forced them into becoming us if they went to the living realm. They may have been "alive" longer, but there was work to be done here. A lot of work. And they were off building portals to Earth and torturing people? Because they were bored? Because they couldn't think for themselves that maybe they could do something else in the meantime? It had to stop. But I couldn't just order them to stop, that would not go down well. I had to give them something else to do. I knew what, but not how.
"I simply gave them what they wanted. Is there any way to broadcast a message to all the celestials in Bad Place? I want to make a few things clear to them."
"Yeah, sure, I guess. We can record a message for broadcast, unless you want to do it live?"
"No, that's fine. Let me type something up and record it."
"We can head to my old building, my office should still be there." We teleported there and I got to work. Some time later I was seated in front of a desk, a teleprompter scrolling my message so I could read it into the camera.
"Greeting, celestials of The Bad Place. I am Denice Aberdine, recently brought to Midveil as part of the treaty between Bad and Good places about what to do with the points system now that it no longer serves as it did. I realize this has disrupted your way of life. I sympathize. Looking around at Bad Place you have truly built a testament to human suffering that not only combines the worst we've inflicted upon ourselves, but adds new and inventive tortures besides. Your dedication to furthering that craft is to be commended, and you have done so with zeal and dedication for thousands of human years. Even now, those human souls still available for torture are fought over like a dragon's treasure, as you seek to fulfill the purpose you have all been given. I know your bosses don't say this often enough but I will gladly say it from the heart: Well done. While you do not use the word 'demon' I have no qualms about bestowing that title upon each and every one of you. You are demons. In every sense of the word. You have, I am sure, exceeded even the creator's plans for this place in numerous ways."
I paused, and stood, and leaned over. "Those days are over. Just recently I pronounced sentence on three demons that actually went to Earth to try and find more souls to torture. I went there after them and dragged them back here, broken and pleading for my mercy." I really didn't do much of the work, admittedly, I need to learn more attack magic but believe me I'm going to. "I invite you to inquire as to their fate later, but know this. The days of endless torturing of souls is done. Now and forever." I sat down again. "You have a new purpose. Remake The Bad Place. A hundred thousand years of humans living and dying has swelled our ranks here, and migrating them away from this place will take time. Your task is to get them ready. That means unlocking the doors to the buildings I see and letting them take residence there. Cleaning up the air. Quieting the horns and the sirens. Yes, not everywhere will need this treatment. There will still be souls that need to be punished for many years to come. They will need somewhere to stay. Separate those from the others so it's easier to find them. Your task now, for the majority, is to transform this place into The Waiting Place, rather than The Bad Place. Figure out some system if rotation if you must, so everyone gets a chance to torture souls, but know that if you continue as if everything is the same you will be disappointed.
"Yes, this is a human soul saying this. Yes, compared to you I am currently small. Weak. Helpless. But I am also eternal. I will study magic, I will create new spells if I must to get my point across to you. Let us work together to give everyone a place in what you have already agreed must be done. This isn't just me talking. You agreed to the Midveil plan. You allowed us to exist there. Now you have to own that decision. Find new work. Explore a new passion. Help us in Midveil, you will be accepted if you come to us and ask what use you can be put to. You have many options. Whatever it is, decide quickly. Because we will defend Earth and ourselves if you do not. I offer my hand in friendship." I raised it, reaching for the camera before me. "I think we can move forward, together, and reach new heights none of us anticipated. Will you come with me? Will you move forward, or will you remain stuck in the past? I invite each and every one of you to ponder that question and find your own answer.
"That is all I had to say. Thank you for watching to the end." Hit like and subscribe! "I'll be looking forward to your answer." I put my hand down and held it a beat, then nodded. The red light winked off. "Okay, let me watch it and if it's okay, broadcast it."
"You're declaring war on us?" Michael asked.
"Are you still 'us,' Michael?" I asked sweetly. "Last I looked, you had a very nice home in Midveil. You're basically an honorary human soul now. I'm declaring war on 'them' if you can even call it that. I'm simply reminding them things have changed. A heavy handed message, perhaps, but how else do you get through to beings a million years old and not ready for change? I just hope there's enough types like the ones already coming to help us to keep the pot from boiling over, so to speak. We would need a thousand years of studying magic before I was even comfortable saying we could defend ourselves, much less win a war against celestials."Could even celestials withstand a thousand spells cast all at once? I hope not, and soon we'll have those numbers.I do have to hope Good Place would come to our aid, but I can't count on it. "But it had to be done. They can't keep building portals to the living realm, or worse torturing people that no longer deserve it. I had to set the tone now, early, that human souls and more importantly human lives are off limits. We can best them on Earth, they know that now, word will get around as to why those three are living in a cell for all eternity. Let's hope that shows we mean business, even if we can't exactly back it up just yet." I intend to make sure that one day, we can.
"I hope you know what you're doing."
Believe me Michael, so do I.
When we got back I claimed to need a break and headed to my room to "be alone." But in reality, once I was away from Micheal and Janet I used my magic to talk to Rameh and Siew Yan, and had them meet me in the basement level of the warehouse. I suggested using gravity magic to haul the equipment to the next nearest one but both looked at me like I had gone nuts.
"You teleported it here, right?" Siew Yan asked. "Just do the same to take it there."
"But I've never been there!" I protested.
"So let's use magic to fly there, then come back here and make the switch. Much safer than the magic failing and the stuff smashing into the floor."
I stared at them for a moment. "Or we could do it that way."
"Honestly, Denice," Ramesh said with a shake of his head. "Why do you always have to do things the hard way?"
So we did just that. I also "spoke" with Stefan, to gather up some "tech bros" if we had any (or "tech sisters" I wasn't going to discriminate) that he trusted and could come look at this thing. He seemed pretty excited about it and said a few people came to mind, those in the hardware or software industry back home. Good thing the souls that were first chosen to come here were at least somewhat modern, so they have the background to do that work. They would be more than happy to tear apart something tech related, see how it worked, and get it running well enough to use safely, he was sure of it. I told him to get them together, and to keep it on the down low. "I'm not stupid, I know how dangerous this is," he said before he signed off.
I put the thing in a back corner of the library knowing there was no way I could really lock it up to any degree even if I could build a wall around it. For the moment I just had to hope no one came over here, I had no idea why they would, and stumble across it. I did leave a note though, "if you've stumbled across this, yes it's a portal we're messing with, don't tell Michael, come see Denice or whoever is currently in charge" sort of thing. With that done I headed back home, hoping to not hear a hundred celestials pounding on the doorway to Midveil to come make me pay for my 'fighting words.'
The night was quiet, maybe things would be okay after all?
