CHAPTER 15: Loneliness

Meg barely saw Len for the next few days. It started when he took ill and suddenly needed more space for himself. He's been aching, moody and too tired to do anything fun. For the first two days, when she wasn't working, they simply watched some movies together or she let him rest and minded her own business. And on the third day, Gumi realised she was bored.

"I can't tell if that makes me selfish," she told her girlfriends on a spontaneous night out on the fourth day. She and Mary had their shift together and once they got out to find a decent bar in the area, Carol came by to join them. They were now sipping margaritas in a half-empty club that didn't look too much like a place where three young girls such as themselves could get harassed.

"Please," Mary smirked in her direction. "You're not obliged to be with him all the time."

"I know, but it feels really good!"

Her friend peeked at her from behind her glasses with that confident expression of twenty-two-year-olds who think they've already seen all of the wisdom the world could provide. "Oh, Meg. I get it. The first relationship is always the sweetest."

"What does that mean?" Gumi took a sip and already wondered what drink she'd want to buy next, despite having drank less than half of her margarita.

"That's just the pink glasses. You acquire your first real relationship, you do it a couple times, and suddenly you have separation anxiety because everything else sucks in comparison."

Carol gave Mary a reproachful look. "Geez. I can taste the bitterness behind that."

The big girl flinched a little bit and fixed her gaze into her glass. "I'm sorry. It's just that I've seen this a few times. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm with Peter now..."

Her friends waited for a moment. "...but?" Meg encouraged her.

Mary breathed in. "I don't feel as much in love as I used to. And maybe it's unfair that I'm not able to give Peter the same feelings I could give to all those shitfaces before him."

Awkward silence ensued. Carol was the one to break it: "I don't buy that. You're in love with him, that would be hard to fake."

"I never said I wasn't! I only meant to say it's not as intense as when I was a teenager. Maybe that's normal, but it lowkey sucks."

"And do you think that happens to everyone?" Meg spoke up.

Mary's discomfort was becoming more apparent by the second. "I can't say."

"Let me say," Carol swooped in to save the situation; "if there's anyone who's bound to always be a fifteen-year-old at heart, it's got to be you, Meg."

Gumi grinned. "I'll drink to that."

"I'm pretty sure we agreed to drink to anything tonight," Mary said to lighten the atmosphere up further.

The green-haired girl nearly finished her margarita in one swig. "See, that's another thing that's a tiiiiny bit annoying. I can't go mental on alcohol. Len is too responsible to let me."

Carol sneered. "To be fair, you never really did any crazy shit, love. Certainly not like Len's sister from what you told."

"Look, most of what I told you is just gossip. Or what little I heard from Lenny."

"You said she convinced a complete stranger to hold a shot between her boobs so she could drink it."

"Okay," Meg chuckled; "that one is true, Rin told me that herself."

Mary's eyebrows shot upwards. "Do tell!"

"So basically, what happened was Rin was at a club, she tried to do that first for someone, but realised her boobs were too small to grasp the shot glass. So she scanned the room for the... most generously endowed lady. There was this shorty dancing by herself so Rin chatted up, dragged her to join her friend group at the time and not two minutes later, this girl had a shot in her cleveage. And, well, Rin took the opportunity before anyone else could."

"What a show off, goodness gracious," said Carol, and both she and Mary laughed.

Gumi couldn't help but smirk herself. "Not gonna lie, for some time after that I wondered if Rin was secretly bisexual."

"Duh! I mean, everyone's a little bisexual, no?" Carol pondered. A moment of silence ensued, so she continued, a bit more cautiously: "I mean, have you never been attracted to another girl?"

Her two friends looked at one another. "Um, no?" said Meg, and Mary shook her head.

Carl's gaze pierced the remains of her drink. "Well, damn. I think need something heavier than this."

"Hang on a minute," Mary said in a playfully stern tone. "I think you just accidentally came out to us, love!"

"It's not like that! I never really liked another girl, but... I don't know. Sometimes a pretty girl turns me on. I thought that was normal!"

Meg showed her a toothy grin. "It's alright. This is a safe space and I'm going to get us three tequilas right now!"

"Three each?" Mary asked innocently.

"Yeah, right. We want to get home on two legs, Em."


About two hours and many more drinks later, that intent was out the window for Carol who forgot to keep track of her tolerance.

"Let's go swimming!" she shouted in the bar. "We're going swimming!" she kept shouting as the trio, intertwined to hold the girl upright, walked towards a cab that Mary had called in.

"Sure we are," said Meg, pleasantly drunk herself, but with more than enough self-awareness to know she had to take care of Carol. "But let's go home first, okay? Then we can go wherever we want." Obviously that was a bluff to get the girl to bed.

Before they left, Gumi promptly texted Len to let him know she'd probably be home by three in the morning. There was no immediate response, but she gathered he'd be sleeping by then. Still, she felt better letting him know just in case.

It was a fun evening. She had to admit she had a great time and wasn't wishing for a second to rather be with her boyfriend. At first, she felt uncomfortable about it, but she soon realised it wasn't a big deal. This was simply a different kind of fun, and Meg was surely allowed to have fun without Len. Provided she would find enough time to have fun with him as well.

Meg was feeling frisky. "Frankly, I wouldn't say 'no' to a skinny dip myself," she said to Mary quietly once they stuffed their friend inside the cab. "But I don't suppose Carol's got a pool."

"All I want is to take a bath and fall asleep, but then Peter would have to stop me from drowning most likely," Mary replied with a drunken giggle.

She sat next to the driver while Gumi took the remaining back seat next to Carol who was presently on the verge of passing out. Luckily, Mary knew where she lived and was able to give directions. The car then took off into the night.

"Hey, sleepy head," Meg nudged her companion. "Let's not fall asleep just yet, hm? 'cause I'm not carrying you all the way home."

"H- Who's 'sleep?" Carol blurted out with her eyes closed and head tilted.

"Try to keep your mind busy, okay?"

"Hm. I've got a topic." Still not opening her eyes, the girl flayed her arms around helplessly. "You two... You're the best. But w-what do you think happens when you get home tonight?"

"I'll take a bath," Mary spoke up in the front.

"And I'll just crawl straight in my bed and fall asleep," said Meg.

Carol stayed quiet for a few seconds. "Okay. But, like..." she uttered slowly. "You two have boyfriends. You have the ch-chance to come home and get laid instantly. Me? I haven't even been kissed in two years."

That reminded Gumi of something. "Don't worry, Carol. I think your kisser may be closer than you think."

"You're just saying that."

"I'm not, I know that for a fact!"

"Oh?" her friend finally looked at her. "Are you offering?"

Meg felt just a little flattered. "That's not what I had in mind. Look, I'll just say it – do you remember John? My house mate?"

"Yeah?"

"He's been asking me about you. I think he likes you."

"And you're just telling me that now?" Carol's hands found their way on Gumi's shoulder, and she shook her softly. "We've got to go find him right now!"

"Not tonight, hun. And not in the shape you're in." The green-haired girl took her friend's hands off her shoulder and held them down on the car seat. "I just wanted to let you know. You can decide what to do about it tomorrow."

Carol leaned over and rested her head on Meg who had to restrain herself from rolling her eyes. "He is cute, though," she murmured. "I wish he'd give me a good night kiss."

"I'll give you this, Meg," Mary turned around briefly to look at her; "if you can get her laid, it's only going to benefit her."

"Well we're not gonna sleep with her, might as well find her someone who will," Gumi snickered. "Listen, why don't you go straight home when we get out and let me take care of Carol?"

"No, no. I'll help. It's okay."

"Please. I've got this, don't worry. And you've got a long way home yet."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. You should sleep."

"You too, though."

"I'll be okay. If worse comes to worst, I can just crash at Carol's, right, Carol?"

"I want to go swimming!" the dark-skinned girl exclaimed.

"Shhh. You're going to bed," Gumi replied. "If you still want to go swimming in the morning, I promise I'll come with you, okay?"

"...okay. Thanks, Meg."

"But I'd have to buy a swimsuit first. I don't have any."

"Didn't you mention sk-" Mary started but quickly realised they were in a car with a stranger who already heard too much information that he didn't ask for. "I-I mean... How come you don't own a swimsuit, Meg?"

"We moved here last Autumn and I didn't bring any from home. Mom and dad could ship it but it would obviously take forever to arrive."

Carol straightened up as if she just realised she was inappropriately laying on her friend. "That... sssucks."

"As per your other question," Gumi continued with a faint smile; "I'd only do that at night. I'm not willing to undress for strangers."

"And here I thought you had no boundaries," Mary remarked.

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind. But now that... How do I put this... Lenny is a bit sensitive about uncontextual nudity."

"I understand." Meg's friend in the front seat glimpsed over at their cab driver, perhaps to see how uncomfortable they were making him. He was a middle-aged guy who looked as indifferent as cab drivers do when they have to drive around with young people in various stages of intoxication every other night.

"We're here," Mary informed them a few seconds later and looked in Gumi's direction again. "Are you sure you've got this?"

She smiled at her. "Yes I'm sure. Just go home, Em. Thanks."

The cab stopped, and it didn't even take that long for Meg to get Carol out of the car. Pretty soon they were alone.

"You've got to lead the way now," she told her. "I don't know which door."

Carol sat down in the middle of the road. "Can we just chill here for a while? I'm too tired."

Sigh. "You know what people do when they're tired? They go home and sleep in their beds."

"But I wanna stargaze!" The dark-skinned girl laid down on her back. "I haven't done that in ages."

Gumi looked up to see no stars whatsoever, only clouds. "And you're not gonna do that tonight, either." She leaned over and grabbed her friend's arm. "Come on up, you!"

"Noooo, let go!" she yelped, and the two girls fought for a while, giggling.

"I'll tell you what," Carol said eventually. "I've got a dare for you. If you do it, I'll come with you."

"Are you sure this is the time to play games?"

"You didn't even hear it yet, come on!"

Meg sat down next to her. "Fiiine. What's the dare?"

Carol, still on her back, chuckled. "I dare you to kiss me."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Meg, you're nice and pretty, and I'm drunk, and I haven't been kissed in two years. Please?"

Gumi shrugged. "Alright. If that makes you feel better." She leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

Carol frowned. "That's it? I've had better kisses from my grandmother."

"Whatever. I kissed you, that counts. Now get up."

Meg's friend stretched her arms upwards slowly, and the green girl helped her sit up. However, Carol tricked her: she used the momentum to turn her head, grab Gumi's face with her hands and engaged in a proper, passionate, albeit drunken kiss. She was taken aback for a moment – and then, her own lowered self-control got the better of her. Meg returned her affection and attempted to make it enjoyable for them both. It was entirely different than kissing Len who was tender and submissive, waiting for her to take the lead. Carol's lips were vicious, and she used almost too much tongue for Gumi's liking. She figured her friend really needed this at the moment and she tried her best to adapt, hoping it would have been the best smooching Carol could ask for.

After some time, they slowed down, and then stopped entirely. Carol looked at her intently.

"I shouldn't have done that," she whispered. "Please tell me you're not mad."

Meg returned her gaze. "No. That was pretty cool. But maybe let's not do that again, huh?"

Carol gave her a careful hug as if she was suddenly scared to touch her. Gumi hugged her back and in her left ear heard her friend sniffle as her friend was pushing the tears back.

"Do you like me?" she simply asked her, calmly and encouragingly. There was definitely a suspicion now, and she thought it'd be better to get straight to the point.

She was relieved when Carol said: "No. Not like that, if that's what you're asking. I just... I guess I'm just sad and lonely."

"Can you do me a favor?" Meg asked, pulled back and held her friend by the shoulders. "If you and John go on a date, don't drink."

Carol laughed. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm a mess."

"It's okay, really. We all feel sad and lonely from time to time."

"I can't help but feel envious of you," she confessed. "I wish I had what y'all have."

"And you will! Maybe with John, maybe with someone else completely. But there's no reason why you shouldn't."

"Thanks. But I'm depressed now."

Gumi realised how little she'd known about her until this night. Outwardly, Carol seemed quiet and introverted, but overall cheerful. Seeing her like this – so desperate for intimate human connection that she apparently lacked – triggered an unexpected way of empathy in her. This couldn't have just been the booze talking.

"Look," she told her; "I haven't known you that long, but I think you're overall awesome. And honestly, I can't believe you're single, like, that's unfair."

"M-hm. That's not helpful." Her friend stood up slowly. "I think I'm gonna go."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

Carol took a small step forward to regain balance. "That's okay. I can manage."

"I don't doubt that." Gumi was on her feet as well. "I'm asking if you could use some company."


It took another hour before she was back on the street again. Carol had another minor breakdown once they made it to her bedroom and Meg had to console her. By the time she left the house and was alone, there were but subtle remnants of alcohol in her system and she could think more clearly.

And inevitably there was this irritating feeling she couldn't place at first. Looking up the most direct route home and walking forward through the sleepy neighborhood, Gumi was retracing her steps in her mind. She took care of her drunk friend and would continue to do so – hopefully – by bringing Carol and John closer together. And she tried to find understanding for Carol's short affectionate outburst. Or was it even that short? How long did they make out for? She didn't keep track of time.

The fact that she kissed another person while in a relationship wasn't precisely what shocked her at first. She immediately started looking for excuses as soon as the thought of him popped into her head. They were both drunk. Maybe it didn't count because Carol was a girl, a gender Gumi wasn't attracted to. The kiss itself was nice, but there was no emotional substance to it – not like it was with Len, anyway. It simply felt good to feel another person's lips on her own, that was it.

But did that make the matters better, or worse? Did it instantly mean that she was such a slut she wouldn't care who she kissed – or even more than that – as long as she got the proper amount of pleasure from it?

Meg's pace quickened as her nervousness grew stronger. Had she not been in a relationship, none of this would most likely bother her. She was adventurous, spontaneous and lowkey hedonistic by nature. She wouldn't mind a casual hook-up every now and then if nobody got hurt. Although, as she came to realise, she wouldn't have known that without Len. She's been fixated on him for years and through that time, it never occurred to her she could redirect her attention elsewhere; she simply had no desire to pursue anyone else.

That meant two things. Firstly, that first night they spent together was their actual first time. That was sweet, but it also meant they had to learn everything together piece by piece. And secondly, Len's been the only intimate partner Gumi's ever had. She didn't have the opportunity to try and explore her wants and needs in that field before. Who knows? Maybe if things were different, she'd be all for free love, she knew she'd enjoy that.

But things weren't different. Things were exactly as they were, and Meg was starting to feel really bad for even having these thoughts. Of course she loved him, she could count on that. But how confident could she be about herself? Tonight, a girl initiated an intimate moment and she didn't reject her right away. What if instead it was a guy and what if he wanted to take things even further? She would've had to have realised the few minutes of ecstasy weren't worth the guilt that would come afterwards. She could draw a line... right?

Gumi had to stop by a street bench, sit down and calm herself. All of this was just hypothetical because she couldn't even imagine getting herself in such a situation. But maybe for the first time in her life, her own personality scared her because she didn't know if she could rely on her strength. She always acted first and asked questions distant second. Now that she was with Len, she should be more careful. She had to protect the bond they had, it had to remain special. Otherwise, if she had the chance to cheat on him and took it, it would kind of seem as if he was easily replaceable, and Meg couldn't allow that.

She stood back up after maybe two minutes. Home wasn't far now. The green girl was hoping Len would be up to some early morning shennanigans if she woke him up; right now, she wanted nothing more than to make the sweetest love to him and show him – and herself – how much he meant to her. Perhaps that would drown all those intrusive thoughts as well; although she was well aware she's going to have some serious thinking to do. The question was: should she tell him anything, or not?