Fear or love, baby?

Louder than words.

Houstwift Canon Divergent.

.::.

And then he breaks, the tears fall freely on his cheeks and her heart breaks for him.

"She left." He says, his voice cracking. "She took Artie. She took him to Seattle."

As soon as he finishes, her arms wrap around him in an attempt to bring him comfort.

He chose her and it cost him everything.

"I'm so sorry," She says, God she can't even imagine losing Leo. She squeezes as tight as she can.

She gives him time, lets him hug her and find as much comfort as possible in her arms given the circumstances. It can't bring his son back to him but hopefully it can ease his pain a bit.

Once he feels a bit better, she leads him to her couch and cuddles against him. She likes physical contact, always has and when she feels like she's about to lose her mind it helps to anchor herself to reality. Hopefully it does the same for him.

"She'll come around," she whispers, doesn't actually know that for sure. She does know what he told her about his now apparently ex-wife and she doesn't seem the type to fully take his son away from him. She looks at him in the eyes then, caressing his arm when she can still see the pain in them. "Give her time."

He sighs, "I know, and I can't blame her." Truthfully, she can't blame her either. They both made a mess of things. "But he's only three Jules, at this age each day feels like an eternity."

She nods, "Yeah, I know." She remembers back when Leo was this young, how he would blow her mind and change so much in just a few days. She puts her forehead against his, "I can't even imagine how it feels like, I would lose my mind if I lost Leo."

"It's not fun." He replies, chuckling bitterly, "I miss him."

"When did she leave?" She asks, because it sounds like it's been a few days already but he was with her only 4 days ago and he hadn't told her.

"I told her 3 days ago." That checks, she thinks, sighing. "We had such a nice time the night before," They both smile at that, they did. "I knew what I wanted, and I knew that no matter what i-..." She can see the hesitation in him, knows what he was about to say. Her heart beats faster as their eyes meet. "I'm not in love with her."

She doesn't know if she's happy or sad that he didn't say it, can't really focus on that right now when he's upset but she can't help but notice that he didn't for her. Because he doesn't think she's ready to hear it. It warms her heart. But they're not going there now, so. "Did she leave straight away?"

"No," He sighs, "She didn't want me to stay so I checked into a hotel, she let me see Artie at first but she asked me to meet this afternoon, told me she was leaving and she doesn't know if or when she'll come back."

Her heart clenches at that. "That's why I haven't been talking to you much since, I'm sorry." He says, his voice low. She had no idea what he was going through.

"It's okay," She quickly says, "I promise it's okay." There are tears in the corner of her eyes.

They both messed up yet she can't help but feel like this is her fault, if she hadn't let them cast him they wouldn't have seen each other again. If she had been stronger and hadn't let him get close to her he would be fine.

"I don't know if it was a good idea to come here, I'm sorry I just didn't have the heart to go back to my place with him not there." She gets it, he has no idea when he'll see his son again.

Leo's definitely angry at her and upset but at least he gives her a call every day, checks in and she knows he'll come back. He's also older and she doesn't need Frank to talk to her to hear from him.

She couldn't lose him.

Michael might have lost Artie.

She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and rests her head on his shoulder as he rests his on her head. "You will be okay." She whispers.

He squeezes her hand in his and as he does that the last thing she keeps thinking about before they fall asleep is how she ruined his life.

.::.

"What the hell?!"

They're startled awake the next morning by Leo's voice, looking at them surprised and angry.

Oh no.

No, no, no.

Not like this, not now.

In a flash she's out of Michael's arms and on her feet, chasing after her son who's now running up the stairs. "Leo, please listen to me." She tries.

"You said it was over, leave me alone." He simply replies, voice filled with anger as he slams the door behind him.

She stops in her tracks, putting her face in her hands. This is a mess.

What is he doing here, he never told her he was coming home, he wasn't supposed to find out this way, not yet.

Michael. Michael's still downstairs.

She gives a quick look at the door and rushes back, hopefully it will give Leo a minute to calm down.

When she reaches him he's up too, he looks exhausted. "Is he okay?" He asks the moment he sees her.

"I don't know," She shakes her head, "I don't know, I need to talk to him."

He agrees, "You're right, I should go anyway."

As they both agree again, she walks him to the door and he gives her a quick kiss on the forehead before leaving.

She needs to talk to Leo.

Her palms are sweaty and her mind is in shambles. She has no idea what she's going to tell him, he saw them. Hugging. And he's right, she did tell him it was over.

She told him Michael wasn't right.

Sighing, she makes her way back up the stairs and knocks on his door. "Leo, please talk to me."

He doesn't answer, she waits five entire long minutes before she knocks again. "Leo, just hear me out, I need you to just hear me out. please."

She's surprised when he opens the door, but the fire in his eyes breaks her heart. "Why? So you can lie to me again?"

Ouch. That one felt like a knife through her heart, yet she deserves it. He has no reason to trust her after everything. "I'm not- it's not-" She can't even say it. Because it was. It was, she was about to call him and tell him she was choosing him last night before he showed up, it so was.

"Don't bother." Leo's about to close the door, but then he thinks better. "I'm not ready to talk, Mom. Not now."

She nods, understands it.

Her stomach still hurts though.

.::.

That night when she gets into her bed, her heart is heavy.

Leo barely got out of his room that night and didn't say a word to her. She hates it.

It got her thinking though, thinking about everything that happened since Frank found that stupid song on her nightstand.

She can't choose Michael.

Leo is too angry at her, would be too upset, she absolutely can't risk losing him and she is scared, terrified, that if she does choose Michael she will.

She will the way he might have lost his son.

Frank would also just get so hurt and upset if he found she's been seeing Michael again.

She was stupid.

It doesn't matter that they haven't been sleeping together, she's been kissing him, hugging him, cuddling with him. That's almost worst, because it just shows that it's not and never has been just lust between them.

It was real.

Which is also why can't choose him because lately she's been destroying everything she touches. Between the show, her family and her not being here enough for Tom… Being with him would just destroy him too, she can't do that. Besides, if he wants a shot at making things right with Monica she's pretty sure it doesn't start by dating the woman he cheated on her with.

She's too scared of all of this.

She can't choose Frank either, doesn't think she could forgive herself, doesn't think he could and doesn't even think he should.

She might not be able to choose Michael but her whole heart and body still want to, she still got him under her skin and she knows deep down she can't be with Frank anymore.

Her heart's been taken.

She hopes she could keep them in her life, somehow, but she knows she realistically can't.

Frank maybe, through Leo, but she's pretty sure Michael won't want to, she's going to lose him.

Telling them is going to be hard, but it's for the best, they'll be better off like this.

It still doesn't stop the tears from falling.

She still cries herself to sleep that night.

.::.

When she gets to rehearsals the next day, her eyes are still puffy and sort of red even though she tried to cover it up with makeup.

Most people don't notice when she gets there, the dancers all smile at her, Derek barely says hi before asking for the new pages, Karen is already there and warming up so she also barely says hi.

The first one to notice something's up is surprisingly Ivy.

Given her circumstances, she's not staying, she barely comes in to drop off Sam and get some coffee. When she does though, Julia's right next to the coffee machine, making herself some tea and trying to avoid conversation. She's just not in the mood.

But Ivy being Ivy, she doesn't really care.

She just comes right at her. "Hi Julia, are you okay?"

"Fine." She replies, smiling politely at her.

For a moment, she thinks she's going to drop it, she doesn't. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, thanks for asking." She's aware that she's not being really pleasant and it's not really fair but she really isn't in the mood today.

"You know, as a trained ensemble member I have hidden a lot of tears underneath my makeup…" She turns to look at Ivy then, witnessing a kind, understanding smile on her face. "You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but don't stay alone in this. I won't help. Trust me, I know." With a wink, she simply takes her coffee and leaves.

She's right.

Keeping her thoughts and feelings to herself had never been good. There's a reason she became a writer, she needs to channel her feelings and express them.

This situation is huge, messy and complicated.

She's going to end her marriage, she's going to lose the man she loves, she might lose her son, he might have lost his.

She needs to talk to Tom.

She can't do it here though, she knows she most likely is going to cry and this is her place of work.

Beautiful, intense, sweaty, creative place of work, but work anyway.

She needs to be professional.

When he gets there, she pulls Tom aside for a moment. "Can we go back to your place when we're done for the day?" She asks, "I need to talk to you."

He seems to see in her eyes that this is serious and she needs him, that's how it is with them. He gets her. He simply nods and after taking a deep breath, and a sip of her tea, she enters the rehearsal room.

Switching mentally to the professional Broadway lyricist instead of the miserable woman for the day.

.::.

The day feels like an eternity and at the same time feels like she doesn't even have time to blink.

She throws herself into her work, decides to focus on her writing and the show and it works, she's able to be productive, get new pages done and the show is shaping up beautifully.

She still hasn't heard from Leo though, checked her phone any time she had a chance during the day.

When they decide to call it a night she feels a wave of sadness go through her, her distraction is over. She's going to have to go back to face her mess of a life.

Tonight she's going to talk to her best friend, let her feelings get out and then tomorrow she's going to have to talk to Frank, tell him they should let go of their marriage. She's going to have to talk to Michael as well and tell him that even though she promised she wouldn't, she is running away. Even though it's for his own good.

Entering Tom's place behind him she takes a second to breathe in deeply. She feels safe here, as Tom prepares her tea she thinks about how a few days ago in that same place she told him about Frank leaving and how she truly felt.

Every time they have serious conversations and catch up about their lives lately it feels like it's about her and she truly has not been a good friend to him. He's been so good to her though, didn't judge her, supported her, tried to stop her from screwing up her life… she needs to do better. She will.

She sits down at his bar as he pours her tea. "So what's going on?" He asks her giving her the cup.

Here it goes, once she says it out loud it makes it real. "I made my choice."

He doesn't ask, knows she will tell him.

She takes a deep breath, it's for the best.

"I can't choose Frank," She starts, Tom's almost as surprised as the day she confessed to having an affair. "He's amazing and you know I care about him so much I just… I got Michael under my skin. I can't let him go, I can't shake him off and I can't do that to Frank again."

Sighing, Tom replies. "So it's Michael."

How tempting that sounds, to just be selfish again and choose him. But no. "No, I can't be with him either." Tom looks at her confused. "He told Monica, he told her about us and she left him which was to be expected but she took his son."

Tom sighs, not approving but still having a look of sadness on his face. "I can't say I'm surprised."

She shakes her head, "I'm not really either." She's not, to be honest, "It's just… he might have lost his son, he doesn't know when he's going to see him again so he came over two nights ago-" She can see the look on Tom's face changing so she rushes to say, "nothing happened, he just told me what went on and we fell asleep talking about it on the couch."

He trusts her. She can see it in his eyes, this time he doesn't doubt she's telling the truth. "But Leo came home yesterday morning, he saw us, he got really upset and he's not talking to me."

That's what gets her, tears start falling. "He was so upset."

Her best friend sighs, walks around the bar to hug her. "I can't lose him, Tom, I can't risk it."

"I know sweetie." Tom is way too good to her, she loves him so much but sometimes she can't help but feel like she doesn't deserve him.

"I'm too scared." She whispers, "And he might have lost his son, I can't do that to him."

"I'm pretty sure his wife will come around…" He's trying, and she thought about that too, to be honest.

"If he wants a chance to be forgiven it won't start by being with me." She says it like it's obvious, because it is. "And besides, all I've done is hurt him, I can't keep doing that to him, I need to start making better choices."

As he's drawing circles on her back, trying to comfort her, she can feel herself start to relax. "Wouldn't it make you both happy to just be together?"

He doesn't entirely approve. It's Tom, she knows him better than she knows herself sometimes and she can tell he's not over the moon about it but he is trying. He doesn't need to though. "Not if the price to pay is our children." She simply replies, "I don't deserve it anyway."

She says that last part so low she thinks he's going to miss it, hopes he does, yet he doesn't. "What?! Julia-"

She interrupts him, she's not in the mood to argue about it. "Tom, I love you for trying, but don't. I had an affair, I destroyed my family, my rock, I hurt two amazing men who loved me and I hurt my son-"

"And you're paying for it but that doesn't mean-" He's her best friend, he loves her and cares about her, he has to believe that but no, he's wrong, he needs to stop trying to redeem her.

"No, stop, stop trying to redeem or diminish what I did please." She says, walking away from him and pacing around in the kitchen. He needs to understand, "I don't get to just walk away and be happy. I can't do that. I can't keep hurting everyone and everything around me."

"So what?" He says, shrugging, "You're just going to stay miserable and punish yourself for the rest of your life?"

Maybe.

More realistically, she might forgive herself but she needs time for it and when she is ready to do so, she still won't deserve Michael or Frank after everything she put them through. "I just- i made my decision Tom."

He looks at her and she can see his heart breaking for her, he shouldn't. "What if it's the wrong one?"

"It doesn't matter." She replies, "It's the one I have to make, for their sake."

Tom just sighs, knowing he can't change her mind. "Will you be able to? Let them go?"

That question brings tears to her eyes again.

She doesn't want to, not in the slightest.

"I don't know." She ends up replying, "I mean I'll always have Frank sort of in my life so we can co-parent but…" Sitting back down, she takes the cup of tea in her hands. "I can't let the feelings I have for Michael go."

She can't.

For 5 years she tried like hell to forget the whole thing even happened and it took time, she almost succeeded but every time she thought she was finally fully over it something would remind her of him and the hurt would remind her just how much she wasn't.

The day Tom mentioned in passing that he got married she remembers going home and letting herself cry in the shower, knowing she did what was best for her marriage yet still feeling like she missed him every day.

Today is even worse because she's had time to just be with him, talk to him, sleep in his arms, kiss him with no intent to take it further… She's been with him.

But this is what she should do.

She might not be able to stop loving him but she can lock her feelings deep inside her heart in a box she can never open again. "I'll just have to never see him again."

She takes a sip of her tea.

The hardest part is yet to come.

.::.

The next morning she really doesn't feel like waking up and leaving her bed.

The first thought that comes into her head when she opens her eyes is that the moment she does, the day will start.

The day she needs to start taking action towards respecting the choice she made.

It doesn't matter if she leaves her bed or not though, the day did start.

She doesn't even know where to begin.

Telling her husband is probably going to be the easiest simply because he's probably going to feel the same way. Even if he doesn't, it's the one she's the clearest about.

Because it's the easiest part, she decides to text him. She simply asks if they can talk, if they can meet up someday soon.

Her stomach twists at the simple idea of the next text she needs to send and she feels like she just can't do it right this second.

So instead of doing what she should be doing next, she decides to get up and get in the shower.

She can do it later.

One thing at a time.

After her shower, she gets downstairs and decides to skip breakfast and just go over her notes before leaving for the day.

When she reaches the kitchen she stops in her tracks though.

Leo is sitting at the bar, eating his cereal.

For the past two days he hadn't been talking to her, avoiding her and now he is right there and all she wants to do is go to him and hug him. It's not the right time, she shouldn't push but she wants to apologize, try to explain herself.

Taking a deep breath in, she keeps going, tries to act as naturally as she can and tells him good morning.

Her eyes fall on the counter and her blood runs cold when she sees what Leo's reading.

The song.

He's reading the lyrics she wrote for that damn song.

Right, she can't stay silent about that. "Leo-" she tries but he interrupts her.

"It's about Michael isn't it?" He doesn't even sound angry or upset. He just sounds defeated and even a bit curious. "This is the truth?"

Her first instinct is obviously to deny it, tell her son she absolutely did not mean those lyrics, doesn't have feelings for anyone other than his father… but she can't lie to him again. So she goes with safety and doesn't reply. "It doesn't matter, it's over."

"It didn't seem like it was two days ago." Yeah, she deserved that one. His tone is cold, provocative and she should ground him for talking to her like this but how can she when he's telling the absolute truth?

"I'm letting go." She blurts out, "I'm letting him go." Her voice cracks, is barely above a whisper

For a moment, he scans her eyes, trying to see if she's telling the truth and it seems to convince him because he just looks down and nods. "Do you want to?"

She would laugh bitterly if she could, no, no she doesn't. But that's not the point, it's what needs to happen. "It's what needs to happen, that's all that counts." she ends up replying.

She whips a treacherous tear escaping from her eyes, doesn't see him looking at her curiously as she takes a step forward to get the page with the lyrics on it.

She gives it a quick look and then as she walks out of the kitchen, crushes it with her hands and throws it on the piano.

.::.

When she texts him, her heart is beating fast.

All it says is that she's asking to call him.

It's about 7 pm when she sends the text, she's about to get in the shower and start settling in for the night.

It's the perfect timing because she knows she won't be sleeping any time soon, it's not too late and Leo's sleeping at his best friend's place tonight so they can watch the game.

He deserves better than a phone call, this is the kind of conversation she should be having with him face-to-face but she's too vulnerable right now.

It's a weird sensation, it's like ever since she met up with him and admitted her feelings she can fight them even less than before and if she meets with him she's not sure she'll have the strength to do what she needs to.

He doesn't answer, just like last week.

He simply calls her himself a few minutes later and she looks at her phone ringing for 5 whole seconds before answering.

Now or never.

"Hi," She says, her voice shaking slightly.

"Hi darling." Darling? The nickname makes her heart beat faster for a second.

He sounds okay, better, it makes her exhale in relief. He's going to be okay. "How are you?" she still asks.

"I'm good, I missed you." Her eyes close and she bites her inner cheek to avoid crying, again.

She can't resist giving in to him a bit, just a bit. "I missed you too." She whispers. Because she truly did.

"Hey, I have something to tell you and I haven't seen you in too long," He says, a happy tone in his voice, "Are you alone? do you mind coming over?"

She shouldn't.

There's a reason she wanted to do this over the phone, but he wants to talk to her and she's about to break his heart.

Besides, the urge to see him is too tempting, too strong.

It's dangerous, last time she did it she ended up telling him she wouldn't walk away but the difference she's counting on is that she's doing it for him. As hard as it feels, this is going to be good for him, he'll be able to start over and hopefully get his son back.

She can do this. "No, I'll come by, I need to talk to you too anyway."

She tries smiling but her heart is not in it.

"Okay, I can't wait." She hears him say and she barely replies before hanging up.

.::.

She reaches his place about half an hour later and before knocking she takes a deep breath, reminding herself of all the reasons she has to let him go.

She knocks softly and when he opens the door, smiling at her and all those reasons seem to be getting so much smaller.

Yet they're still here.

He lets her in and offers her to sit on the couch as he hangs her jacket and she tears up as she gets into his living room.

He lit a few candles and poured them a glass of wine.

This is clearly more than them just catching up and it's all going to crash and burn. She would've loved to share such a beautiful moment with him.

Maybe she can wait a bit.

As she sits down on his couch, she decides that she will. She's going to have a glass of wine with him, hear what he has to say and just have a nice evening.

When he joins her a few seconds later he sits practically against her, takes one of her hands into one of his and brushes her hair behind her ear with his other. She can't help but smile.

"Thank you for coming." He says, letting his hand caress her cheek as she lets her free arm caress his and just nods. Of course, she came.

He gives her a sweet kiss and she kisses him back.

She's going to miss his lips on hers.

Too quickly for her taste, he pulls back and hands her the glass of wine taking a sip of his own. "I talked to Monica earlier." He simply says.

"How did it go?" She quickly asks.

"Really well actually," He smiles as he says it and it's heartwarming. "She's not ready to forgive me but she's letting me see Artie."

Her hand squeezes his and a genuine smile appears on her face. He's getting his son back. "That's amazing, I'm so happy for you."

It tears her apart though.

There's a lot to say about how his life is looking up now that she made the decision to let him go, like the fact that it feels like a sign.

"Yes, I'm going to go to Seattle in a week." He seems uneasy, like he's scared of her reaction and no, no that's good. He should get a break and spend a bit of time with his son. "I'm thinking of staying something like a week. I'm not quite sure yet…"

His look is pointed, "I don't want to stay away from you for too long."

Right here and there she almost burst out sobbing.

She holds it back just in time and hides it with a smile. "It's going to be amazing, you'll have your son back, that's what matters most."

Michael looks at her curiously, like he can tell something is wrong but he doesn't push it and just takes her hand.

"Speaking of, how are things with Leo?" He's genuinely concerned, has witnessed what happened when they got caught.

She sighs, "He's barely spoken to me, he's really upset." Now would be a good time.

Now would even be a great time to tell him that she's too scared of the consequences to stay with him… she doesn't know how though, so she doesn't. "He actually talked to me today, so there's progress." She says instead.

"That's good," He replies, squeezing her hand and intertwining their fingers. "I'm sure with time he'll be okay." He will, she'll make sure of it. No matter the cost.

She nods. She makes the mistake of looking at their joined hands.

It's a fascinating sight.

It makes her long to see that more often, every day, for a very very long time.

Suddenly sitting there she imagines a life where she would deserve it all, where she wouldn't risk losing her son, where they could be together and maybe…

Just maybe.

Maybe she could forgive herself and Leo could be fine, it might take him a minute but he could be and he's already getting to see his son, that's all they need…

And this is exactly why she shouldn't have come here.

It's only been a few minutes and she's already second-guessing her decision.

But she told Leo she was letting go, so she has to follow through. "Is everything alright?" She looks away for a moment, can't bear to look at him in the eyes right now.

She wanted to wait, wanted to have this last moment but that wouldn't be fair to him and would just make it harder.

There goes nothing. "You almost lost your son, still could." She says with a low voice. She can see his face drop as she turns back to him. "I could risk losing mine, he's so upset he wouldn't forgive me." Why is talking about her son not forgiving her the thing that breaks her every time? a tear escapes her eye. "I can't forgive myself."

The surprise on his face turns into a bitter chuckle as he lets go of her hand. "You're going to do it again, aren't you?" She turns her face away from him again, her heart clenching. "God, how could I have been so stupid." He says, standing up. That breaks her heart, he wasn't, she was. "Did you even mean it?" Her face turns to him and he's already looking at her, his eyes filled with hurt and pain. "When you said you wouldn't walk away, did you?"

"Yes." She doesn't even need to think about it, she did, she knows that she can't stop loving him. "I did, I meant every word."

"Then why?" He asks, he believes her. Thankfully. "Are you choosing Frank?"

She shakes her head, "No, I'm not, I still-" She almost says it yet something is holding her back and she knows she can't. "I can't love him the way he deserves." She takes a deep breath before continuing, "I told you I can't risk our children."

Realization seems to be hitting him, "This is because Monica took Artie isn't it? You're scared." He sits next to her on the couch again, "Jules, it will be fine, I told you I'm going over there next week to work something out-"

"It's not just that," she interrupts him, "Did you see how upset Leo was when he got home? What if I lose him? I wouldn't survive it and you know it."

He takes her hand, getting her to look him in the eyes, "Leo loves you, he's pissed and upset and rightfully so but he's still home, he loves you, you won't lose him."

"But what if I do?" She interrupts him again, she's been through this thought process. "And it's not just that, how could I forgive myself? For everything?"

He sighs, she can see tears in his eyes as he's the one looking away. "You made up your mind, didn't you?"

"Yes." She simply says, though there's so much more she wants to tell him. Yes, her mind might be made up but her heart is screaming at her to not go through with it, she just can't listen to it.

He shakes his head, "I can't take this anymore Julia." That makes the tears fall again, she knows. "Sometimes I don't even know what I am to you if-"

"I love you." She doesn't think, doesn't calculate it, just blurts it out.

Well.

Now it's out there.

Might as well own it and be fully honest. "I'm in love with you. That's what you are to me." She whispers.

This was probably the worst time possible for those words. She's imagined a lot of times how saying them for the first time would go but she didn't expect it would be like this.

He's stunned, she can see he didn't expect her to say it. She couldn't bare for him to think he didn't matter to her or that he didn't mean anything.

It takes him a few seconds to recover, she can see him melt for a minute but then he builds his walls back up, it's all in his eyes. "Yet you're still leaving me."

"Mick-" She tries, she hates that she's hurting him again.

"I left my wife." He simply says, interrupting her. "I left her because I chose you. I chose you. I just wish you could do the same."

God, so does she. She wants to, that part is clear but she still can't. "I don't deserve it." She whispers.

"And I do?" He chuckles bitterly, "You said so yourself, what we did we did together."

"I pulled you in," She says, can't let him take the blame for this, "I sent you mixed signals, it was my fault."

"I kissed you." Right. That part is true. "I came to you, kissed you, I asked you to meet me at night. It's not all on you."

He's right, she's not the only one to blame but she can't help it. He only did it because he knew she wanted him to, because she was weak. He made a decision when she couldn't. It's on her. Still, she's not in the mood to argue with him. "That just confirms my point." She whispers and it feels like every word is a stab in her stomach. "I should go."

When she stands up, he agrees. He stands up too and walks her to the door, she puts her jacket and scarf back on as he looks anywhere he can but her.

Once she's ready to leave it's only then that their eyes meet and it's a gaze filled with so many emotions it takes her breath away. She doesn't want to leave, she hates this, it feels all kinds of wrong yet she has to.

As she turns around to go, her heart beats faster and she can feel his hand catching hers. Intertwining his fingers with hers.

He doesn't say anything, just lets his finger caress her hand.

She shouldn't, but she looks back.

There's a tear rolling down his cheek and he's looking at their hands, it's too much.

She puts her hands on his cheeks and kisses him.

Slow, steady, sweet and light.

His arms wrap around her waist and he kisses back.

They let the kiss linger, both of them not wanting it to end. They both know when it does, she'll go.

So for a minute, they indulge in it,

And then it breaks.

"Maybe one day, when I manage to forgive myself… if I can…" She whispers, maybe then she can come back to him, maybe their timing will be right then. Somehow imagining that she will never see him again is just too heartbreaking to face.

"I can't just sit around and wait for something that might not happen, Jules." She nods at that.

He's absolutely right. He can't, shouldn't, do that. She doesn't know if she's ever going to forgive herself, if she ever will feel secure enough to be with him and she can't just ask him to wait.

She smiles bitterly at him, eyes filled with unshed tears and she leaves.

Letting him close the door behind her.

Closing the door on her for the last time.

.::.

For four days, she tries as hard as she can to focus on everything but what happened with Michael.

She hasn't heard from him, it was to be expected she just misses him a lot.

Frank replied the next day she texted him, told her he'd be able to meet her tomorrow. Apparently he also needs to talk to her and she hopes they're on the same page, doesn't really feel up to breaking his heart even more if he would rather stay with her and work things out.

Leo has been talking to her though, not much and they've dutifully avoided the topic of Michael but they've been able to talk a bit, laugh even which is something she's more than grateful for.

She's actually preparing breakfast for them when she gets the text.

The milk and cereals are on the table and the water for her tea is boiling as she unlocks her phone.

It's him.

Her heart beats so fast she's afraid it's going to explode until it breaks and shatters as her fingers scroll through the message.

"Hi Julia,

I'm sorry to be doing this through text but we both know you wouldn't take my call right now.

I thought you should know I'm leaving for Seattle in 3 days, I decided to move there.

I'm not coming back."