26: A Bowl of Regret
As he sat upon the edge of the hospital bed, drumming his fingers impatiently upon his knees as the witch before him squinted down at the clipboard in consideration, Harry Potter found himself gritting his teeth to insist:
"Just...sign them, please!"
"All in good time, Mr Potter." the healer said as behind her Ginny Potter adjusted her grip upon the bag of Harry's belongings.
"Yes, but could you just sign them? I need to get going. I've got somewhere to be..."
"The only place you should be going once I sign these papers, Mr Potter, is straight home."
Harry drew breath to argue, only for Ginny to shake her head in a manner that suggested that perhaps he ought think twice about doing so. Instead he attempted to smile and said:
"Yes, of course. I'm just...very keen to go home!"
"You Aurors are all the same." The healer chided, turning a page of the papers with somewhat more force than was necessary, which made Harry wonder if his smile had looked as completely forced as it had felt. "You all think you're invincible. You think you know better than the medical professionals..."
"I'm sure I don't."
"So am I, Mr Potter. Speaking of which, if you do look in on Mrs Lupin, perhaps you might encourage her to respond to the hospital's letters regarding follow up appointments."
Harry opened his mouth to speak, only for Ginny to announce:
"Thank you, we'll be sure to do so. I'm sure Mrs Lupin will be touched by your particular concern."
Harry rather doubted Dora would be anything other than irritated.
He was right.
"I'm not going back there!" Dora muttered some two hours later as Harry sat upon the bed beside her, a mug of tea balanced precariously upon his knee as Remus busied himself adjusting the mound of pillows at his wife's back. "They'd try and re-admit me!"
Remus muttered something unintelligible under his breath, and Dora was about to scowl at him when Ginny suggested:
"Perhaps it'd do you good, Tonks. You don't want to be stuck in that bed forever, do you?"
In response, Dora reached to rub a wary hand across her eyes.
"She's going to be fine." Harry insisted stubbornly. "For starters, I'm here now. No more Acting Head of Aurors..."
"But she's still got the Deputy's duties." Remus pointed out, failing not to sound disapproving. "And surely Jasmine will be on leave for some time yet."
"It'll be fine. She'll barely lift a finger, I promise!"
"It's a bit late for that."
"Remus." Dora interjected meaningfully, but it was too late, Harry looked wounded and Remus was not in the least bit sorry.
"I really didn't have a clue it would end up like this!" Harry explained. "At the time Jasmine was still around and I was around and I just thought...I just wanted a little help! I didn't expect it to turn out like this, I didn't think Jasmine would go so completely off the rails and I'd...I'd end up being...being bloody shot, for goodness sake!"
"No, you certainly didn't think." Remus agreed. "Dora's been paying the price ever since and as you can see from the state of her, it's been a high one. You had best make sure she barely lifts a finger, Harry, or else she really will never leave this bed. Find another temporary Deputy to assist her in Jasmine's place by the end of the day."
"Merlin..." Ginny uttered a moment later once the werewolf had promptly disappeared from the bedroom, the door shutting behind him with a telling bang, and Harry had pulled the glasses from his face and reached to squeeze the bridge of his nose in a prolonged wince.
"Sorry about that..." Dora began, only for Harry to insist:
"No, Tonks, don't. He's right."
"I'm a grown woman, Harry. I make my own choices."
"And when I first came to you, you very sensibly told me to get lost! I shouldn't have pushed it, I shouldn't have let you be persuaded."
"Again, Harry, I'm a grown woman. I will be persuaded if and when I want to. I know my own mind."
"Yes but..." Harry trailed off as his gaze came to rest upon the door through which Remus had disappeared moments earlier, and Dora gave a knowing huff and pointed out:
"But Remus is so rarely upset with you and you can't stand it."
Harry rose abruptly to his feet and made a beeline for the door, and as she watched him go, Dora found herself confessing:
"And that makes two of us."
Harry found Remus in the kitchen, clattering the pots and pans around in one of the cupboards.
"I'm sorry." Harry said, as the werewolf at last extracted a large pot and reached to set it down upon the stove. "I knew she'd be like this...I knew I should've left her well alone but I just...I needed her..."
"I need her!" Remus said, not so much as looking round at Harry as he made a beeline for the fridge, his anger leaving him to move far more swiftly than Harry had seen in many years. "I need her to be herself, Harry! I can't have her be like this, it's...it's killing me, I swear it!"
"I'm sorry, Remus."
"You have no idea what it's like! She's gone completely off the rails and I don't have a clue what to do! And for goodness sake! How has it come to this?! Now?! We've been married for over four decades! You'd think by now this union would be indestructible, but it's not!"
"It's...it's not?" Harry said weakly, reaching to grip the kitchen countertop to steady himself.
At long last, Remus paused in his unseeing inspection of the fridge to look round at him.
"Just get her some help, for Merlin's sake. Because if you don't, I don't know what will happen."
Harry's return to Auror Headquarters that afternoon seemed to leave a permanent sinking feeling in his chest, even though his fellow Aurors marked his reappearance amongst them with high spirits and high-flying morale which he could not seem to match. He did at least find some relief to receive word just half an hour later that Rovena Luga, under strict surveillance by undercover Aurors, had been spotted leaving her home that afternoon, carry a suspicious looking package, the description of which made it seem entirely probable that it was another batch of poison bought by mail order. Harry promptly sent word for Teddy to join the Aurors in their quiet pursuit of the Albanian, for the metamorphmagus could slip right up to her in disguise with very little trouble at all.
Teddy, who had been spending a rare few hours at home doing paperwork whilst Carrie went out shopping, immediately abandoned his work and went in search of his youngest daughter, who was lounging around in her bedroom, relieved to be at home for a change.
"Come on Pan," Teddy said as the teenager looked round at him indignantly as he reached to silence the music she had been blaring loud enough for half the neighbourhood to hear. "I've got to go to work, you'd better jump in the floo to Nana and Grandad's house."
Pandora sighed heavily. As relieved as she had been to see some progress where her grandmother was concerned, Isaac's recent death made her less than enthusiastic to visit. It was draining, she realised, being in that cottage with her grandmother so unwell, and her grandfather didn't seem his usual self these days much either. When she did not immediately make to get up, Teddy clapped his hands briskly and insisted:
"Quickly now, let's go!"
"Do I have to?"
"I'm not leaving you here on your own. It's either that or walk to Cleo's house."
"Can't you take me?"
"No..."
"But Mum'll be back soon..."
"I promised her I wouldn't leave you alone here, Pan. Now hurry up and get in that floo!"
When she did enter the floo a few minutes later, Pandora had no idea that her visit would turn out bleaker and more distressing than she ever could have imagined.
Despite it being the middle of the afternoon, the living room was dim and stuffy. The curtains had been drawn across the windows and almost as soon as she had stepped out blinking through the darkness, Pandora heard the distinct sounds of soft snoring. Her grandfather was sat in his armchair, slippered feet upon a footstool and head tilted back a little as he slept, his thin spectacles askew upon his face.
"Grandad?" Pandora called softly, taking a few careful steps towards him. "Grandad, it's me..." She found herself trailing off a little upon getting closer, for she could not help but think that the expression upon Remus' face was so perfectly serene that she did not wish to disturb him. Recalling her father's final words before he bundled her into the fireplace: go and make yourself useful, Pandora, the teenager turned to make a beeline for the kitchen, with thoughts of seeing if there was any washing up that needed to be done. But at that moment a noise caught her attention, a slight rattling noise that made her jump, and Pandora turned sharply in its direction.
Upon the little round dining table was a large and incredibly dusty wooden box. As Pandora eyed it curiously, she jumped a little to hear something rattling inside. Though it made her uneasy, Pandora's curiosity led her to tiptoe up to the table. The box was locked shut, she found, but the key had been left in the lock and, with only the briefest glance over her shoulder to check her grandfather was still in the land of nod, Pandora carefully turned the key and, holding her breath a little, opened the box. As a heavy fog of dust was flung up into the air, Pandora winced against a sneeze as she looked inside. There was what appeared to be a battered looking bowl of tarnished copper, within which swirled a hissing mix of shimmering strands of silver.
For a long moment, Pandora simply stared down at it, reaching to grip the back of a chair in consideration, then she turned to look over at Remus, frowning.
Pandora had heard of word pensieve. She had never seen one, but knew what they were and roughly what one used them for. But she also knew they were both extremely rare and terribly expensive. She had certainly never heard of her grandparents owning one, or anyone else for that matter. She was just pondering the possibility that it had been borrowed from someone else, and that from the descriptions she had heard this one looked distinctly primitive and rather worse for wear, when the soft hissing sound from within the basin seemed to rise in volume. Within seconds it had grown so loud that Pandora was about to slam the lid of the box shut again, lest the noise wake Remus up, only for her to freeze, one hand upon the lid.
It wasn't hissing, the girl realised.
It was...wailing.
A horrible sense of panic began to descend upon her, though Pandora could not seem to put her finger on why, nor could she persuade herself to move a muscle. She felt frozen to the spot, simply listening. And before she knew it the wailing had turned to great gulping sobs and there were other sounds too, bitter, angry, miserable sounds and words, she realised, she could hear words. Countless voices shrieking and shouting and spitting out hateful, hysterical words and Pandora screwed her eyes shut to hear them.
This was a mistake...
You're not listening to me!
I never should have listened to you...
You're difficult to love sometimes, did you know that?!
I wish I didn't love you so much...
Leave then! Just leave! Get out!
I can't do it anymore...
Maybe you're right! Maybe Teddy would be better off without you!
I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it...
Pandora clamped her hands over her ears, but the voices seemed louder than ever...
Why don't you just leave?
You're running away again! Why do you always have to run away...
Maybe I shouldn't have come back to you!
Yes, maybe you shouldn't have! I'd have been far happier without you, believe me!
Marrying you was the most foolish thing I've ever done in my whole entire life...
Stop it! Stop! Stop...
Bang!
Silence.
Pandora slowly removed her hands from her ears and opened her eyes.
She was lying on the floor, her knees curled up towards her chest and she frantically wondered how she had gotten down there, only for movement beside her to make her jump.
Remus locked the box and reached to shove the key deep into the pocket of his trousers. Then he looked down at Pandora.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
Pandora simply stared at him. She felt so horribly shaken that she wanted him to say something comforting, but he only said:
"Get up."
As he turned stiffly to shuffle back towards his armchair, Pandora felt her mouth go dry.
He was cross, she realised.
Very cross.
Pandora set about doing battle with her legs which appeared to have turned to jelly, and struggled back onto her feet.
"What...what was that?" she asked a moment later once Remus had eased himself back down into his chair and she had rushed anxiously to crouch down beside him, one hand gripping his arm imploringly. "Was it...was it a pensieve? Where did you get it, Grandad? Why...why were there so many voices? Why were they shouting? They...they sounded like Nana...like you and Nana arguing..." she trailed off, eyes wide as Remus stared down into his lap, his lips pursed into a terribly thin line. At length, the werewolf pulled his arm free from her grasp and folded his arms firmly across his chest.
"You're not a little girl anymore, Pandora." he said. "You should know better than to go snooping through other people's private possessions, particularly those that happen to have been locked away in a box..."
"Were they real?" Pandora interrupted before she could stop herself. "The voices? Did you and Nana really...did you really say all those horrible things to one another?!"
When Remus again didn't answer her, she reached to swipe a furious hand at the tears that were streaming down her cheeks and demanded to know:
"Why would you put such horribly memories like that in a pensieve?!"
"It's not a pensieve, strictly speaking..."
"Did you really tell Nana marrying her was the most foolish thing you've ever done?!"
"Yes."
At his readiness to admit to his crime, Pandora was struck abruptly dumb. Remus seemed relieved to have shocked her into silence.
"And Nana really did tell me that she'd have been happier if I'd left her and not come back." he continued, much to Pandora's distress. "She's said some wretched things to me and I've said some truly awful things to her over the years. Sometimes we even meant them, at the time at least. And not a soul besides the two of us know about them, because they were said in private. Except they're not private anymore. Our own granddaughter knows all about them. Won't your Nana be pleased when I tell her..."
"I didn't mean to snoop!" Pandora protested with a sniff. She didn't like this angry, blunt version of her grandfather, it was bad enough her grandmother being so alien without him doing the same.
"You're as bad as your mother." Remus muttered, more to himself than Pandora, it seemed, and Pandora supposed she should be quiet, but the teenaged part of herself retorted:
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Remus reached to pinch the bridge of his nose. He seemed to be holding his breath. Eventually he said:
"It's not a pensieve, Pan. It's...it's more primitive than that. You can put memories into it, but you can't see them. It's just...somewhere to keep them safe. So you don't need to dwell on them for a while."
"You put all your memories of arguments with Nana in there so you can forget about them?"
"I couldn't forget them. But sometimes...well, sometimes life can get on top of us, Pan. And when that happens, when it all becomes a bit too much I...I put the most troubling of memories away somewhere I don't have to think of them. It's cathartic, I suppose. It helps me sleep better."
Pandora considered this explanation for a long moment. She wiped her nose on her sleeve and chewed upon her bottom lip.
"Are there a lot of them?" she finally wondered. "A lot of those...those bad memories?"
"Of your Nana and I? No, not a lot. But enough to trouble me, I suppose. One would be enough to trouble me, after all." Remus sighed heavily and shook his head. "Do you see the dust on that box, Pan? The truth is I've not used it for years, decades, even! My father gave it to me years ago, back during the first war. I used to put memories of my friends in there, after they died. I'd do it every night before I went to sleep in the hope it would stop me from having nightmares."
"Did it?"
"It was...not entirely successful. I'd quite forgotten about it by the time your Nana and I were married."
"But you need it now." Pandora observed dully, and at long last the old wizard reached a hand to pat her upon the arm.
"Everything will work out in the end, Lala." he said, his voice softening enough to give Pandora some semblance of relief. She wondered if it was enough to make her believe him, to make her sure that everything was going to be okay. Slowly, she sunk down to sit upon the floor and her head came to rest upon his knee. The pair of them sat in silence for a long time. Eventually, Pandora told him:
"I'm sorry, Grandad."
Remus didn't reply. Pandora wondered if he was drifting off to sleep.
"I don't think it's true." she decided a couple of minutes later.
"What's that?"
"What Nana said about her being happier if you'd not come back. I don't think she meant it."
She felt Remus' fingers reaching to absentmindedly stroke her hair.
"No," the werewolf agreed quietly. "I don't think she did, either."
As the cottage lapsed into silence, many miles away in central London, Teddy Lupin was barrelling his way down the bustling length of Oxford Street, buses and cars roaring past as he ran as fast as his legs would carry him. Weaving in and out of the hordes of muggles weighed down by their shopping bags, the Auror was desperately trying to keep sight of the dark haired figure of Rovena Luga as she slipped past a man in a navy blue suit and disappeared down a side street. Two other figures seemed to follow her, Teddy noted, and as he narrowly avoided running full pelt into a pushchair and a distinctly disgruntled looking mother, Teddy glanced over his shoulder to try and spot any of his fellow Aurors bringing up the rear. He did not spot anyone immediately, and did not wait to get a better look.
He darted down the side street just in time to spot someone disappearing round a corner. Muttering furiously to himself and silently bemoaning the streets crowded with muggles that made his pursuit so difficult, Teddy attempted to pick up his pace and before he knew it he was weaving in and out of side streets, running in what felt like circles this way and that, and slowly, just slowly he began to gain on them, until a straggler, a young, tubby man in a long black jacket and distinctly grubby trainers, was almost within his reach. In a deserted alleyway, Teddy chanced a clumsy swipe of his wand, sending an overflowing dumpster skidding sideways into the man's path, knocking him to the ground. Teddy ran straight past him into the next street, his eyes darting left and right in search of Rovena and the other man, but they were nowhere to be seen. A noise behind him drew his attention. Teddy spun round and raised his wand.
"Put that down." he told the young man upon the ground, trying not to sound as breathless as he felt.
The man, lying sprawled amongst an array of bin bags and filth, gripped onto the knife he held with both hands, holding it out before him, his hands trembling as he stared up at the wizard.
"I said put it down." Teddy said again, taking a step back towards him, and when compliance was not forthcoming the man found the blade plucked from his hands by thin air and it clattered to the ground some distance away. Before he could move, Teddy had appeared to haul him to his feet by his shoulder, only to hurl him back against the dingy brick wall behind him, pinning him there.
"Tell me where Rovena's going."
The man's porky arms flailed at Teddy's grip upon him.
"I won't tell you anything!" he wheezed, wincing a little when the wizard promptly pressed the tip of his wand to his throat. Despite screwing his eyes shut, the young man gave a huff of breathless amusement and declared: "You'd have to kill me before I'd tell you anything. Except you won't! It's against your rules! And that's why we'll win, Jeff says. Because we're not afraid to do what's necessary!"
Teddy hmmed in consideration. Then he asked:
"And when he was telling you all about these troublesome rules of ours, did Jeff mention where we stand on the use of Veritaserum at all? Because personally I think the Minister of Magic would jump at the chance to offer you a dose."
And as another two Aurors came dashing into view to set about widening their search, Teddy's captive positively paled.
"We're going to find Rovena Luga one way or another." Teddy said a moment later when he turned his attention back to the man. "So I suggest you tell me everything I want to know now, or else we're going to have to go and knock on Minister Shacklebolt's door..."
"Kings Cross!" the man exclaimed, eyes widening at his own abrupt confession. "She's going to meet Jeff at...at Kings Cross!"
Teddy lowered his wand.
"There now," he said, taking a step backwards and releasing the trembling man. "That wasn't so difficult, was it?" And within the blink of an eye the man found himself struck stiff as a board by a full body binding curse and Teddy Lupin disappeared with a crack.
"You do know what day it is tomorrow, don't you, Nana?" Pandora Lupin said as she set the cup and saucer down upon her grandmother's bedside table, and Dora Lupin did not look round from her contemplation of the window when she suggested:
"Sunday."
"Yes, but you know what's happening tomorrow, don't you?" Pandora said, turning to look out of the window herself in an attempt to see what her grandmother found so utterly captivating. The trees outside were rustling in a faint breeze and a bumblebee was crawling along the window ledge.
"Hm." Dora said, as if she wasn't sure one way or the other.
"It's the Phoenix Day Parade, Nana!" Pandora said, plonking herself down upon the edge of the bed with enough force to try and garner Dora's full attention. "Grandad sent me in to remind you."
"He daren't come and remind me himself." Dora muttered, then she plastered a vague smile upon her face and said: "Yes, I know, love."
"Grandad said you wouldn't be going with him."
"No, I won't."
"Because you aren't well enough."
"Exactly." Dora seemed relieved that at last, nobody seemed willing to push her on the subject. "But you'll be going, won't you?" she said, reaching to sweep the hair back from Pandora's face with a smile. "Dad'll be busy with the Aurors, but Immy can apparate you and Mum up to Scotland, can't she? You'll have to come back and tell me all about it! Who's turn is it this year, hm? To lead the march?"
Pandora fixed her grandmother with the sort of expectant look that made the witch wonder if her relief had been entirely premature.
"It's yours, Nana. It's supposed to be your turn."
Pandora watched the realisation dawn upon the invalid's face. There was a distinct hint of embarrassment.
"Merlin, is it really?"
"Yes."
"Already? Goodness me. Well, never mind that." Dora gave her head a shake and went back to contemplating the mundane view out the window. "It's daft, really..."
"The Order of the Phoenix isn't daft, Nana."
"I didn't mean it like that..."
"Have you ever missed one before?"
"I...no. No, I don't suppose I have."
"How many years has it been? Since the end of the War...?"
Dora, her brow increasingly furrowed, shifted uncomfortably beneath her sheets.
"Well...um..." she began, only for her husband's voice to call from the sitting room:
"Pandora!"
Pandora swung her legs reluctantly back and forth, only for her grandmother to tell her:
"Off you pop, then. Don't keep Grandad waiting!"
With a sigh, Pandora got to her feet and headed for the door. She was just about to disappear through it when she found herself daring to throw back over her shoulder:
"Maybe you should go, Nana! It won't be the same without you, otherwise!"
Pandora had no sooner entered the sitting room when her grandfather shut the door firmly behind her with a flick of his wand.
"Stop provoking her, Pan." the werewolf warned as he stalked with uncharacteristic speed towards the kitchen, and Pandora rushed to follow him.
"We can't give up on her, Grandad!"
"You've rather changed your tune."
"Isn't that a good thing?!"
Remus reached to pull open a cupboard door and set about extracting a glass bottle of a bewilderingly bright blue liquid.
"Of course, Lala. But I don't want to have to deal with yet another one of her meltdowns. Not right now."
Pandora watched him splash the blue liquid upon the countertop as a yellow cloth soared over from beside the sink and set about scrubbing the counter clean.
"I can't stop thinking about the voices, Grandad." the girl said, hugging her arms around the gentle swell of her stomach. "I can't stop thinking about all those horrible things you said to one another..."
"You're not to dwell on any of that, Pan. It's all in the past."
"But is it? If it was, why'd you put those memories there?!"
Remus paused in his task to turn and look at her.
"Your grandmother and I are fine, Sweetheart." he assured her, but she shook her head vigorously.
"You're not, though, are you?!"
"Adult relationships are invariably complicated, Pan. But we're fine. We'll manage, believe me."
"I don't believe you!" Pandora exclaimed, grasping fistfuls of hair in frustration. "You're giving up on her! You're avoiding her, you're not...you're not trying! You don't...you don't love her anymore!"
The cloth stopped its scrubbing. Remus reached to steady himself against the wall. Pandora thought he looked wounded by her accusations, but as her vision began to swim with tears, Pandora found she couldn't care.
"So I can't give up on her!" she whispered. "If I give up on her, she'll never get better! And if she never gets better, you're never going to love her again!"
When Teddy Lupin finally caught Rovena Luga on Platform Ten at Kings Cross Station, she offered him a bright lipstick smile and said:
"Are you here to arrest me, Mr. Lupin?"
Careful not to cause a scene in the heart of a muggle train station, Teddy reached to press a firm hand to the witch's arm, his wand pressed discreetly to her back. She smelled strongly of a sickly perfume and looked up at him through a thick layer of mascara and carefully crafted eyeliner.
"Do you often travel by muggle train, Ms Luga?" the Auror inquired, and she gave a low chuckle.
"Never." she said, calmly extracting the wand from her pocket and offering it for him to take. "But I didn't realise that was an offense."
Somewhere further up the platform a whistle sounded, and the train upon Platform Ten slowly began to pull out of the station.
Rovena Luga smiled again, but this time it was a full blown smirk.
"How's your mother?" she wondered. "Well enough for the parade tomorrow, I hope?"
And before he quite knew what he was doing, Teddy had snatched up her wand and set off down the platform at a sprint after the train, leaving the Albanian to smirk after him.
