Chapter 4
I was afraid, but that didn't stop me from rising to the occasion. Looking back over my life I realized I'd been afraid more times than I could count. It was a feeling I never had the luxury to indulge in. Now was different, Luke wouldn't make me face this fear. But I would make myself. I told myself it was for Ben's sake, even for the good of the new Jedi Order, but deep down, I knew I needed to face this for myself too.
Still, Luke was as compassionate as ever about it. He wanted to make this as easy as possible for me. But even with a bond like ours, we didn't always understand the other completely. Him being a people person, he assumed I'd be more comfortable with a one-on-one setting vs a group.
He was dead wrong about that…
Sitting across from me in one of the courtyards, the small girl stared at me with some mix of curiosity and awe.
"Are you really a Skywalker?" she asked, her tone filled with all the wonder of someone no more than eight years old.
"That's right." I wanted to add 'for what it's worth,' but assumed that wouldn't give the best image.
"And that's really a lightsaber?"
I smirked a little. "Yep, it sure is."
She smiled before focusing her attention on Ben, who was forced to join our little training session. It was purely a matter of practicality, someone had to watch him, but he seemed to be the center of attention anyway.
"And this is really Master Luke Skywalker's baby?" she asked, seeming dubious.
I almost laughed. "Yeah, this is Ben. He's going to be watching your training session today."
Her eyes lit up. "That's amazing, I get to be taught by one of the strongest Jedi!"
I cringed a little, I wasn't sure I'd go that far.
"I'm ready, Master Skywalker," she said trying to pull off a formal bow.
"Just call me Mara, alright?"
"Okay, Master Mara."
I sighed. "Close enough I guess… And your name was Rena, wasn't it?"
"Yes! I'm eight years old, and Master Skywalker said I can feel the force!"
I was a little exhausted by her enthusiasm, but she was sorta adorable in her own way. "What do you feel exactly?" I asked, tilting my head thoughtfully. I thought a self-reflective question was Jedi sounding enough.
She seemed confused at first, then thoughtful. "Life," she finally said. "Life that feels almost like colors."
It would have sounded crazy to a non-force user, but I knew what she meant. At first, it feels like impressions, each with its own hue, or associated signatures.
"That's good. Anything else?"
She stared at me, her eyes innocent and to the point. "Are you afraid, Master Mara?"
I winced, she was already a little too perceptive. "To be honest, I'm nervous, I've never really taught anyone else before. Not one on one, anyway."
I was expecting her to seem disappointed, but instead, she seemed relieved. "I was nervous too… But I didn't think Jedi were supposed to feel nervous, so I'm glad they can."
I smiled a little. "Jedi aren't different from anybody else, Rena, we still feel all the same things. If anything, we feel even more."
"More…?" she whispered, before closing her eyes.
In the distance, a few courtyards over, I could sense Luke instructing his own students. The sense of contentment and quiet joy felt almost tangible.
"A lot more…" I whispered.
She opened her eyes and followed my line of sight. Though he was out of sight Luke's presence was as clear as if I could really see him. Maybe clearer.
"Master Skywalker?" Rena asked as she attempted to probe the presence as well.
"Yes, and who else? Try to sharper your focus on those colors."
She closed her eyes again, taking a deep breath. "Master Horn is there too, and a bunch of students."
I nodded as she opened her eyes. "Yes, you're right. Good job."
She smiled, beaming under my praise. I thought it was simple enough, but it stirred something inside of me. A warmth that felt, admittedly satisfying. It also made me think of who I'd been at her age… A painful jolt that I tried to bury before Rena noticed it. If she did, she didn't mention it, but Ben frowned up at me in a way that said he had felt it too.
"Did you train as a little girl too?" came Rena's simple question.
"A little…" I mumbled, knowing my training had been much different from hers now. "But I was already an adult when I finished my Jedi training."
"Really?"
"Luke was one of my teachers actually…"
She gasped, clearly impressed. "And he even married you?"
When she put it that way, I felt a little surprised myself. "Yeah, he did."
"You must be really special, Master Mara," she said in awe.
"No…" I whispered honestly. "I just had a lot of people show kindness to me."
Ben let out a little yelp that said he clearly didn't agree. I glanced down at him in wonder. Just how much was he understanding?
"I think he means that all moms are special," Rena translated for me.
I smiled softly at them both. "Oh, is that so?"
"Definitely," she agreed. "My mom is super special!"
Those words hit me harder than I'd thought possible. Because I thought of Ben saying them, meaning them with all his heart. I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I pushed them back.
"S-So Rena, you know what the coolest thing a Jedi can do is?" I said, trying to distract her from my emotions. "Lift stuff," I said simply, as I levitated a few small rocks in front of her. "Wanna learn how to do it?"
As expected, she was eager to give it a try herself. I was just glad to distract her from everything I was feeling before I said too much... The next few hours went by pretty okay. The most she managed was to wobble a few rocks, but it was a good start, I assumed. By noon, she hurried off to have lunch with the other students, and I was relieved I'd managed sorta okay.
But I didn't get much more than a few minutes to regain my composure before I felt a presence behind me. "How did it go?" Luke asked simply.
I heaved a sigh. "Fine, I guess? I mean, she hasn't gone to the dark side yet, so there's that."
He laughed, taking a seat on the stone bench next to me and Ben. "Here, try this," he said as he handed me a strange leather-skinned fruit.
"Is this edible?"
"Yes, the langwa fruit, it's a native species and it tastes wonderful."
"Says the man who likes the taste of bantha milk…" I muttered as I struggled to peel the thing. To my great surprise, it wasn't horrible. The taste landed somewhere between tang and bitterness, but the combination worked. A little like me, I thought sarcastically…
Taking Ben into his hands, Luke lifted him overhead. He laughed as he stared down into his father's smiling face. "Ben seems to be in a wonderful mood," he commented before cradling him warmly.
"If you ask me, he was listening to my lesson. Don't be shocked if he starts floating stuff around the house later."
"That's just because you're such a wonderful teacher."
Luke Skywalker always had something nice to say, even if it was less than accurate. Still, I thought I did okay.
"Well, Rena is an enthusiastic learner, I'll give her that."
"She made me think of you actually," he admitted.
I raised an eyebrow. "You're kidding, right?"
"I just mean, it was nice to think about how you must have been at that age."
"Heh, I already carried a blaster…" I mumbled bitterly. "Not much worth thinking about."
His face softened sympathetically. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up the past… I guess that's just not how I picture you."
"And what do you picture?" I asked curiously.
He closed his eyes, a wide smile curving his lips. "I imagine you as still being fiery, but also very sweet, just like the langwa fruit."
I chuckled. "Luke, that thing tasted pretty good, but it wasn't the least bit sweet."
"It's subtle…" He turned to look at me, his eyes betraying he meant more than just fruit. "But it's there. It's there for anyone who cares enough to look for it…"
"Thanks…" I whispered, not missing his point. "Rena said I must be pretty special since even Master Luke Skywalker decided to marry me."
He laughed. "She really said that?"
"Yes, she did. I think they almost idolize you, Luke."
"I'm just me." He sighed, his modesty making his face redden a little. "But she's right about you, Mara, you are special. I was thinking about what you said yesterday, about your unusual legacy. That's nothing to be ashamed of, instead, it's truly inspiring."
I just looked at him, a little amazed as always. He meant it, I could feel he really did. I'd never really thought of it that way myself, but maybe he was right? To someone, with the right circumstances, or possibly the wrong circumstances, my story could be inspiring. I thought of Durban, and I hoped desperately that he had taken something from my life and everything I'd told him…
It was a baseless feeling, but something profound told me he had…
I assumed I'd be pretty bad at this, the whole training bit. But as the days went by, I found it a lot easier. The sense of purpose and accomplishment was…more fulfilling than I'd thought it would be. To finally be using my abilities for the good… Sure it was hardly the first time I'd done that, but it felt different this time. I felt different this time. Like I was finally fighting the right battle…
A battle with true peace as its aim.
What Luke had told me was still ringing inside my mind. The thought that my life could be an inspiration…
The truth of who I'd been wasn't something I'd told Rena. A part of me wondered what she'd think when she got the whole story when she was older. But looking at her smiling face each day in training made me believe it wouldn't matter. Made me so hope anyway…
"Are you going to come eat lunch with us?" she asked, eyes wide. "Master Horn said he made something special from the local berries."
I grinned. "Corran cooking? Now that I had to see… Sure I'll be there, but go ahead I'll catch up."
"Okay!"
I watched her race across the courtyard, meeting up with the other students both old and young. A part of me wondered why I wasn't following her, but something was tugging at the back of my mind. So I slipped away to the jungle edge just beyond the temple compound. I wanted to think, but more than that, something seemed to pull me to the spot.
Luke had taken Ben with him today, so I had a rare moment to be alone with my thoughts. Pushing past the ferns and foliage I came to a small clearing in the brush. There in the middle of the clearing was a well-worn boulder, just flat enough to sit on. It was a popular meditation spot, or so Luke had told me. But at noon it was typically vacant, today was no exception. I was glad because honestly, I wanted to be alone.
Sitting down I closed my eyes and let a thousand senses of the jungle around me flood in. Isolating each feeling until I knew to which skittering create each sensation belonged. But I pushed deeper forward, trying to extend my sense far beyond the normal range. Something else was out there, someone. Just beyond my perception.
Opening my eyes, I frowned.
I didn't like it.
I thought back to the bounty hunters and their failed attempt. Was it really going to be the last? The man who hired them had been arrested, but was that enough?"
A sense of foreboding washed over me even though no danger was perceptible. Was I just getting paranoid? And yet, thoughts of Durban came back all over again. He had been on my mind since coming here, but I didn't know why…
I assumed it was just all the talk of the past and moving forward, but… I'd always known better, hadn't I?
Standing, I started venturing through the brush. After close to an hour, I wondered what I was doing wandering so far away. But I was no stranger to forests or jungles, I could handle myself. In the distance, back toward the training grounds, I felt ripples of Luke's puzzled concern. He was probably wondering where I was. So I stopped briefly, trying to send some sense of reassurance. He got it and sent back what felt like a question of his own. I didn't really have an answer to give him, but one was forming quickly enough.
Each step that I took gradually brought the mysterious presence into sharper focus. My foot stopped mid-step as the answer finally washed over me in full.
"Durban…?" I whispered to myself. And apparently to Luke, as he registered some sudden alarm.
But I didn't have time to respond to him, I broke out in a run. Pushing toward the feeling for another twenty minutes. Finally, I broke through the jungle, stopping short of the clearing a figure was standing in. That figure, as I already knew, was indeed Durban…
I reached for my saber, gripping it tightly in one hand. But I hesitated to activate it. I still sensed no direct danger, but something told me this was no social call.
Stepping out to get his attention, I spoke first. "Long time no see…"
He straightened from where he had been bent, tossing twigs into his small encampment fire. Around him were a small sleeping sling and a few crates of supplies.
"Hello again, Jade," he mumbled as if he had been expecting me.
"You've been on my mind for almost a week now, does that have anything to do with how long you've been out here?"
He sat down on a rock next to his fire, checking the small jungle fowl he was roasting over it. "I've been here for about that long, yes. I wasn't sure how far your Jedi senses extended, apparently, I wasn't far enough away."
"And why are you avoiding me?" I asked though a million other questions were pressing at my throat. "And why are you here at all for that matter?"
And did you get out…?
That was the single question I wanted to ask most.
Because if he hadn't then…his employer wanted me dead.
"I was just taking some time to think things through, I planned on coming to the settlement to see you within a few days." He glanced at the hilt still in my hand. "Is that really necessary?"
"I hope not," I said honestly. "You tell me?"
He sighed, that same weariness on his face. But the track of our conversation changed when he looked back at me sincerely. Something akin to genuine interest behind his eyes. "Are the reports true? Do you have a son now?"
I hesitated, before nodding slowly. "Yes…"
I hoped it was just another example of him finding my life inspiring. But something inside of me said his interest had a dark edge.
"That makes things all the more complicated…" he whispered, concern in his voice. Concern for me and the child he'd never even met. That dark edge wasn't because of himself or what he planned to do, but what he knew others did. That felt clear enough.
So, maybe foolishly, I clipped my saber back to my belt and took a step closer. "Durban," I asked softly. "Why are you here?"
"I was sent here…" he whispered, pain flowing through his emotions. "Sent to collect your bounty."
He looked up and our eyes locked. My heart clenched as I reached again for the saber, this time activating it. But nothing about this felt right. He still had no aura of danger.
"And are you going to?" I asked calmly, my face awash in the blue glow of my saber.
"There was no way out, Jade…" he whispered. "Or at least I used that as my excuse to stay. When the security raids came, I almost surrendered just to be done with it. But I managed to slip through the cracks like I always do. I thought, I hoped, with the gang mostly dissolved, I'd, at last, be free."
He stirred the fire silently. "But clipping off buds does nothing for the roots."
"And these roots told you to kill me?"
"Yes… Not that I could manage it."
"Why couldn't you?" I asked, wishing the answer were personal.
"You are a Jedi, you were the Hand herself. How could a grunt soldier ever accomplish the task?"
I felt my lips tremble with emotion. "Durban, I'm not talking about ability, I mean will. I mean, do you want to kill me?"
"A soldier is meant to follow orders and never consider their personal desires, Jade. But that doesn't mean I don't have them…" He stood, an unusual tone in his voice. "I'd like to think of you as a friend."
A friend… What a useless concept to Imperials. We both were trained to realize that. And yet… Maybe it was what we'd both secretly wished for all along? The human right to care for anyone as something more than rank and order. Suddenly, the structure and organization I had long since admired of the Empire tasted sour to me. This was what was bred from it…
Durban and I…
The thought was such a bold contrast to the many images of Luke flashing through my mind. The silly smiles he made to make Ben laugh... The open compassion he wore on his sleeve, vulnerable to so much hurt and yet never holding back from feeling for all life forms…
I deactivated my lightsaber and let my hand fall to my side.
We wanted peace…
"You already are," I whispered to him. "A friend…"
Peace more than anything now…
