Chapter Four: Where Is My Mind?

Kairi

The dreams had started a few nights ago, but I was hesitant to share them with anyone. In fact, I still hadn't told a soul. I feared that people would ridicule me and I'd lose more credibility than I already had—no one took me seriously anymore. It was most likely baseless and unreasonable to think this way, however. Everyone's lives had truly passed the threshold of reality as most people know it, so there was nothing that could be unbelievable to any of us at this point. Still, at the end of the day, once Sora had disappeared, my consequential melt down with Riku made it look like I was spiralling into insanity. If anything, my newfound dreams and nighttime visits would simply sound like some sort of coping mechanism rather than any tangible and realistic proof of anything at all. Truthfully, that probably wasn't a stretch and might be what is in fact happening to me. That thought made it even more unnerving. What if I am really losing my mind?

Then, of course, there was that miniscule chance that it really was a lead. What then? It would be selfish of me to not bring this to someone who might be able to help, even someone like Merlin. There had been a few instances where I'd been just about ready to call Lea…or should I say Axel? As far as he goes, I still hadn't quite figured out what I should actually be calling him. It seemed like I hadn't figured out anything about my life really. If I was to tell anyone, my first choice would surely be Lea. He'd been the last to speak with me and seemed genuine, but once he'd left, I hadn't heard from him again. It seemed that he was simply dropping by to make sure I was still alive—and I was, even though it often didn't feel like it.

Ultimately, I felt like for the time being, the best action I could take would be none at all. I would let these dreams go on for a bit and see if they would eventually subside. If not, maybe I would find some leads of my own and pursue my own investigation much like all of those that I'd been excluded from. It felt more like I'd been banished truthfully. That fact helped me to feel more justified in my decision to keep this all to myself, at least for now.

Stuck within my own thoughts, I laid in my bed and turned off all the lights in my bedroom, closing my eyes and willing myself to fall into a deep sleep, even though I knew that once I did so, I'd feel more alive and awake than ever. And finally, my body succumbed to its exhaustion.

When my eyes opened again, my bedroom no longer existed around me. Instead, my surroundings were that of a dark, starless sky met with a never ending ocean that provided soft, but consistent waves crashing to the shore. This place saw no sunlight, making it a type of chilly that sticks to your skin like pins and needles. Even in my dreams, I could feel every single sensation, my skin riddled with goosebumps. I sat myself down on the damp sand, extending my legs out in front of me and resting my upper body on my arms positioned slightly behind me. My feet were just short of where the water reached land, sparing me from the cold that I'd be overwhelmed with if I got wet. This place…the Realm of Darkness. Could that mean that's where he really is? Or is it just the place my mind went if I'd subconsciously fabricated it all?

The subtle sound of footsteps behind me stopped my running mind in its tracks. I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. I could feel the energy within me and around me lighten. It was as if my chest was slowly opening up and I could breathe just a bit easier, giving the illusion that I'd been holding my breath all this time. It was him. It was actually him, or so it felt. At least, it was the version of him that we all remembered, including myself. No one could possibly know what had actually become of him. Still, in spite of my sense of relief and ease, I couldn't bring myself to jump with joy and revel in my excitement. I forced myself to contain it all and make myself present with every aspect of this moment. I remained quiet and still as he sat down beside me. I turned to face him and took in the entirety of his presence. While he didn't turn towards me, he sat down on the shore in a position parallel to mine, smiling, but just barely, as he peered forward toward the water. He looked just the same as I'd last seen him, or so it appeared. The familiarity brought me peace. At first glance, the only actual change was his attire; he had traded it out for something much more casual and comfortable. His hands were bare, no longer covered with gloves, and his shoes were slimmer and more form fitting as opposed to the former bulky style he went for. They were completely black complemented by shoelaces of the same colour. He wore shorts of a greyish colour that extended just below his knees. He still sported the same black tank top I was used to seeing him in, but instead of the short sleeved hoodie he'd previously worn, he'd traded it out for one that was a long sleeve with the same grey and red colour scheme. It was probably to help him withstand the climate of this place. And, of course, he still had that silver crown necklace that was his signature piece.

"Hey." His voice was soft, calm, and inviting. He still hadn't turned to face me.

I half smiled and took a deep breath. "Hey." I exhaled. I wondered what he would say next. Surely my mind couldn't be the true narrator of this conversation. It felt too real. I didn't know where to begin, so I elected not to speak again and allowed him to initiate. Even if it was all in my head…I was still grateful for it.

He spoke. "So…how have you been?"

I shook my head, chuckling. After all this time, that was really the first thing he'd said to me. Sure, it wasn't my first time finding him in my dreams—but previously, they'd all been in random locations with me seeing him off in the distance, but unable to reach him. I saw him on the islands. I saw him in Radiant Garden. I saw him in Twilight Town. This, though, was the first time he'd actually been next to me and we had the opportunity to speak to each other. "You know the answer to that," I stated, then paused and took a moment to gather my thoughts. "Nothing's been the same. Not since you left," I finally said. "What you did…I'll never stop being thankful for you. But it doesn't get any easier…not for any of us."

He nodded. "You know, I think I feel the same way. I don't like me without all of you around me."

"Why do you say that?" I pondered. There was the fact that he'd always emphasised that his friends are his power, of course, but that was more of an expression than anything else. He'd shown he had more than enough strength to fight the hardest battles on his own. It just didn't mean that he preferred to.

It was then that he finally turned toward me and our eyes met for the first time. I was stunned at what I saw before me. His eyes…one was still the same brilliant cobalt blue that I knew so well, a colour that made me feel warm and light. However, his other eye…it was overcome with shades of midnight blue, almost black. That, in combination with his pale greyish skin, made him look lifeless. The one hint of vitality left was the eye that still retained its radiant bright blue hues. "W-what…?" I stammered. "What's happening to you?"

He sighed, but his smile didn't waiver. "Don't worry," he began. "I'm all still me. I'm just…tired."

"You look like…" Like you're dying. But I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. Maybe he looked like he was losing his life…or maybe he already had. The thought chilled me to the bone. "Yeah…you looked tired," is what I decided to say. "But I think…I think maybe this isn't real." If this is what had become of him, I am not sure I wanted it to be.

He shrugged. "Beats me."

It was a response that I didn't know how to read. How could neither of us know whether this was real or not? Surely, if it was real, at least he would know that, right? Or maybe not. There was no way to begin to make sense of it all. This was unknown territory, at least for me. "Okay…so…how have you been then?" I questioned, unsure of what else to say.

"You know the answer to that." He mirrored my previous response, winking at me.

"Are you all alone? Wherever you are? Do you have no one?" I couldn't help but ask. I couldn't imagine the absolute suffering and anguish that would be—to roam endlessly all alone. Look what it had done to Aqua. At least she'd recovered.

He took a deep breath, but evaded my question by providing no response at all. I could only imagine what that meant.

"Sora?"

He leaned his head back and up toward the sky, closing his eyes. "I miss you guys."

Unwillingly, I woke up abruptly, back home and surrounded by the four walls of my bedroom that made me feel imprisoned and claustrophobic. I was breathless and sweating as if having woken up from a nightmare, although it wasn't a nightmare at all. Well, maybe not until the end. He looked like he was falling apart. I was left with more questions and less answers. For one, would I be able to reach him like that again?

I sat up, the sunlight slipping in through the curtains of my window, signalling that the morning had arrived even though my one and only dream felt so short and brief. Wherever I was travelling off to at night, if anywhere at all, made time become completely distorted. As I rubbed my eyes, I felt something coarse rub up against my leg underneath my blankets. Jolted, I threw off all my covers and was met with a sight that left me in awe. My legs were stained with damp grains of sand that clung onto my skin, a substance that was too dark to match anything of the sort on the islands. It was identical to the dark, moist sand in the Realm of Darkness.