Kisarei
Not long after Gaara left, Yumi took her leave of me as well. This time, there was no Kimi, no buffer, and no books. Just me and my thoughts inside an empty room.
This time, there was too much to think about. Too much to worry about. Gaara was going to Konoha. Shinki was injured. I was going to have surgery. With every thought, a lump forming deep within my chest grew larger. Surgery. I wasn't sure I was ready. The only other time I had to go through surgery was... I held up my hand and pulled off the glove I left on from my outing.
Gray, dead-looking skin came to view and I flexed my hand. Amazing. I still had no real idea how the thing worked though I felt grateful for the fact it did. I let it fall beside me on the bed with a sigh. "Chakra leak, huh?" I spoke the words aloud, hoping to dissipate the growing silence. "Do you think if she can fix it, I could heal enough to walk?" I whispered the question to the air.
There was nobody to answer, but the question lingered in my mind. If only I could get strong enough to at least walk - strong enough to make at least one clone without passing out. If I could I'd be so much less of a burden on everyone.
After all, that's what I'd become now. A burden. I couldn't walk on my own. I couldn't dress myself. I couldn't even make a clone without making everyone freak out thinking I would die on them or something. "Tsch." I clenched my fists into the blankets underneath me.
I felt the frustration build up in me with the movement. Gaara was going to Konoha with my Kimi. I wouldn't see them. I wanted to go with them. I wasn't allowed.
I was never going to be allowed back. Never... With this I let out a guttural yell, letting my frustration with my current situation out with it. I still had no idea what I was doing. No idea what I was going to do.
Lady of Suna. Me? Before all this, if I was ever given the mission to try and pull off pretending to be the Lady, I would have laughed my ass off at whoever thought it would be a good idea to try and pass me off as a proper lady of anything. Let alone one of the most tradition-laced places I've ever laid eyes on. If it weren't for Gaara, I would probably have avoided this place like the plague.
My vision blurred and I wiped the unfallen tears with my arm. I couldn't deny it, because of Gaara this place became precious to me. Because of Gaara. Everything Gaara was precious to me.
His village, his family, and his traditions. His family. Shinki. I licked my lips and then swallowed before looking up at the spiral. "Be ok." I spoke it to the little doodle. Maybe the weird doctor was right. How something so small had become such an important focal point in my life. I let out a breath.
Much like everything else, this was something I had no idea of the consequences of before I did it. I never knew what Gaara would become to me the moment I smashed my head against his. Yet it seemed to be the one moment that sped my life into a spiral leaving me here.
Spiral. I half laughed at the thought. Well then. Maybe. I held my hand up and pointed my finger to the outside of the spiral, where the small squiggly line began. Then, I started to trace it inward, letting it symbolize my life. Here, where the line was uneven at the outside of the spiral was where my story started. When I was a kid with no purpose. Trying to prove myself, trying to be recognized. Then, just as the line evened out, Iruka saved me from my and gained my team. Here, where the spiral began was where I met Gaara.
I splayed my fingers. Here is where my life started to gain a true purpose. I didn't know it yet, nor was there any way for me to know what was to come. But... I followed the spiral as the lines grew closer together. I watched as Gaara nearly gave up. Watched him gain control of his demon.
As it grew toward the center of the spiral the lines grew even tighter. Here was when I witnessed his dead body and the start of my nightmares began. I didn't understand at the time, and I had no way to know the reality of what I felt. The nervousness I felt around him. How he could make me smile and blush with only the tilt of his head and a well-placed word or two.
Then, as the line started to draw into itself, I knew this was where I recognized Hinata. Where we were married and had children. Where I became Hokage and started to lose myself. How was I so blind? How could I not figure out on my own my dream of becoming Hokage was something I didn't want anymore? Why did I push myself so far?
I didn't allow myself to think about it as I continued to trace the line. Then here, when the line ended into itself. This is where I was now. Here, with the person who had started this spiral in the first place. This was it, wasn't it? What was always supposed to happen? Every moment in my life up until now converged into this. Where I made a ridiculous wish then ended here with the one person who started the spiral in the first place.
The door opened and I lowered my hand as I looked to see who entered. Chuyo, who no longer sported the creepy mask from earlier. Her stained face was still easier to look at than the stupid mask was anyway. "Glad to see you aren't wearing the mask anymore." I flashed her a smile and felt the need to explain why I was pointing at the ceiling earlier. "I was just thinking that every decision I have ever made led me here. How maybe I was meant to be here in the end."
The girl just looked at me, rounded the bed, and grabbed a chair.
"Chuyo?"
She let the chair scrape the floor, the sound of wood on stone filling my ears and I gave a slight wince. What the hell?
"What's with you? Did something happen?" There was something off as she sat the chair down, the back facing me.
Then, she lifted her leg over the side and sat down, resting her arms on the back. I scooted back in the bed as far as I could go. Something was seriously off.
"Who are you?" I whispered the question, not trusting my voice. I couldn't feel it, the presence of whoever this was and the fact I couldn't figure it out unnerved me. The question I had before returned. How did people get on without the ability to read chakra?
The person pretending to be Chuyo kept their eyes on me. Studying me. Then, without warning, they stood up, grabbed the chair, and threw it across the room.
I flinched as it hit the floor. Who was this? What did they want? I swallowed down my fear.
Fear. I wasn't able to fight. Not unless... I brought my hand up. If this person made a move toward me, I would attempt a clone. I couldn't defend myself. Hell, the clone probably couldn't do a good job of it either, but at least it would be better than just letting them attack me.
The person let out a sigh. "Still can't recognize me. Of all the people, I would think you could recognize me."
That voice. My entire body tensed and I lowered my hand. "Gaaruto." I cleared my throat.
A hand raked through Chuyo's hair and she started to pace. "Of all the places to be, this is not where I want to spend my time."
"Can you at least drop the ruse?"
He stilled and pointed at himself. "What, this? Only had a minute around the girl and I still managed to get her down enough to fool you for a few minutes." He let out a half laugh. He held his hand up and the person who stood before me was no longer Chuyo, but the young brown-haired man I saw him pretend to be the last time.
"Why can't you use your own face?"
He tensed and sent me a glare. "My own face? You think I have one? The face I have naturally is fucking Gaara's. The body I have is yours." His expression twisted. "Sort of yours." He shook his head and looked up at the spiral. "Fate, huh?" In a mimic of my action earlier he lifted his arm and pointed at the spiral.
"What else can I think, at this point?"
He hummed and lowered his hand back down to his side. "Do you think I was meant to be my own person, from the very beginning? You mention fate, but is it even real? I was born out of a mistake." He stopped staring at the spiral and back my way. He went to say something, bit his lip, and looked back up to the spiral. "I want my own face. My own identity. My own life. I don't want to just be a figment of your childhood anymore." Here he looked back at me. "Naruto." His voice deepened into an annoyed deadpan.
I shivered with it. "You haven't used my name in years, and it isn't even really mine anymore."
He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them. He looked at where the chair fell and then back at me. He drew near before sitting at the edge of the bed. "Because saying your name helps separate. If I keep calling you Other, then what am I, anyway?" There was an odd sadness to his tone. It sounded strange to me.
"Since when were you sentimental?" I winced at my own words. Here Gaaruto was, talking to me of his own free will and I ruined it.
"I despise you."
"Why?" The word escaped me before I could stop it. Once I said it, I couldn't stop the rest of the words from coming. "What happened to us? To me? What won't you tell me? Don't I deserve to know why? You were my closest friend, then... Nothing. I don't..." I trailed off. I didn't know how to ask what I wanted to know.
"Even with your memory gone, it was different. You promised. You know, you promised that if you couldn't remember we would be back to what we were. But it was a lie." He pushed himself off the bed. "You lied to me. You didn't mean to, I know, but you did. It was in your eyes. The way you would shrink back from me if I got too close to you. The way you were disgusted by the ability I gained during the time you couldn't remember."
He pointed at me and shook his finger some, his agitation showing in the motion. "It was you, you know. The one who talked me into learning it. It was supposed to be fucking simple. The repercussions, there wouldn't ever be any because..." He trailed off, ran his fingers through his hair again, and sighed.
"But even then you lied to me." Tears began to fill his eyes. "You made me like this and you will never remember. I promised you. I promised I would keep it to myself, that you would never have to live with what happened. I meant my promise then, and will always mean it. You will never know. The secret ate at me though. I hated you for it. I wanted you to suffer, I wanted you to know the pain you made me go through even though you had no idea."
I tried to swallow down the growing lump in my throat. "What happened? Tell me."
He turned his back to me. "Kimiko. She keeps my head clear. I never thought a single person could offer that, you know? To make the backlash of my ability clear. What I just told you is all you will ever know about it. Don't ask me again. I'll never tell you what happened during that time." He clenched his hand into a fist at his side. "Never." His voice strained with the word.
"Gaaruto..." I whispered his name as my eyes blurred. Why? Why now? All this time, all the years he spent inside my head and he only just now lets me in on how he feels? You made me like this, and you'll never remember. What in the hell did I do to him? I wanted to say something, anything, but for once nothing would come.
He rose his arm up to wipe at his eyes then turned back to me. "I am going to Konoha with Gaara. I don't know why he wants me to go, but I have a bad feeling he wants to use my ability of... persuasion for his advantage." He let out a breath and neared the bed again. "Like you, I can't be who I used to be. Strange, isn't it? I get the chance to actually be my own person and I have no idea what to do with the freedom." He slouched back down on the bed, closer to me this time. "Gaaruto, it's a name that I used because I was supposed to be a fusion of you both." He held up his hands, palms out, and moved them like a scale. "Gaara, Naruto. It made sense, you know." He lowered his hands back down and shrugged.
I cleared my throat. "Well, I suppose we were never good with names, huh?" I felt numb with what he said. This was the most I was ever able to get out of him. A reason. An actual reason. What had I done that was so horrible I didn't want to remember? What was so horrible he would actually agree to it and still believe he needed to hold onto the secret?
He scoffed. "Yeah. Which is why it's kinda weird Kimiko sent me up here to get named by you." He flashed me a smile. Large. Fake.
It made my heart hurt. Oh. I put my hand over my heart in a mimic of what I witnessed Gaara do in the past. "If you're going to smile, actually smile." I let out a small laugh. "Well, I guess I get it now." I used the hand still covered in a glove to touch his face.
He flinched away from my hand and I folded my fingers back together and brought it to my chest. Odd. Why would she send him up to me? Why me? The last time I named him I came up with something as stupid as Narutwo. Then, something he said just a few minutes before made my entire body tense.
I was born out of a mistake. Born. I felt cold. All this time, I just looked at him as though he was just a broken copy of myself. In a way, it was true, but... I studied the boy's face in front of me. When was the last time I took a real look at him? Acknowledged him? Even in his usual form, he was still young. Maybe around nineteen or so?
Realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Gaaruto had his own chakra, his own memories, and his own wants and desires. His own personality. I brought my hands to my mouth with a gasp. Naruto, you idiot. I did everything in my power to ensure Kimi could live and have a chance to have her own life. Yet, here was this person who deserved to have the same who I worked so hard at just burying. His life force was separate from my own. The idea was strange, but I could feel it.
"Other?" The word was quick, whispered.
No. Not Other. Not anymore. This was long overdue. Why me? I knew. Because he was still a child in a way. My child. I scanned the bed and hunted down my other glove. I grabbed it and pulled it back on. As I pulled it up I made a vow to myself. This person in front of me was no longer just an annoying copy. No wonder he fought back so much. I laughed as it dawned on me.
Teenager. He was a rebellious teenager. No wonder.
"What... What are you thinking?" He looked confused and worried.
I smiled at him. Gaaruto. What will I truly name you? I reached out and grabbed his shoulders and felt his muscles tense under my fingers. "I have gloves on and you are wearing a shirt. Don't worry so much. Tell me, is this what you want to look like so much? Or..." I trailed off. He wanted to be his own person. That's what he said, didn't he?
"I don't know. It was just some random guy I came across who seemed to blend in well so..."
So this was it. Not even here was he his own person. I squeezed his shoulders and closed my eyes. This person, odd as it might sound, was my first child. I just never saw it this way before. I took a breath. He deserved more from me. So much more. I took a breath.
I knew what I had to do, even if it hurt me. Before he could react, before I could change my mind, I did the one thing I knew I could do for him. I pulled him to me and touched my forehead to his. I heard a gasp and the person I held began to tremble. I focused on him. How he looked now, with my teenage body and Gaara's teenage face.
If I were to have a child, one born of me and... who? At the time he came into existence who was around? Did it matter? Someone who blended in. Who would blend in? I tried to remember. There was... There was this shopkeeper around the time I made him. Brown hair, green eyes. She had a nice smile.
So then, what would a child look like if I were to have a kid with a person who resembled this? I tightened my grip on his shoulders. I worked at forming an image in my head. A lighter brown hair not quite blond. Eyes greener than blue. Less muscular, and a bit shorter than me. Come on, picture it. I formed the image in my head. If he were mine, he would carry the telltale whisker marks, two just like Boruto and Himawari. Then, as the image of who I imagined a son of mine born of this girl would look like, I focused my chakra to the point our heads met.
A small whimper came from him and the tremble grew. "Bear with it a moment more." I forced more chakra out into him. Make it right. I had to... I needed to... I took a breath and let out a whimper of my own as I pushed more chakra out to him. Just a little more. I could do this. Close off my mind. Close the connection.
My mind started to fuzz. Not yet. I can't pass out yet. Not until... My grip on his shoulders loosened and I slumped into him. Thankfully, it didn't release my connection at his forehead. I let my hands fall and used everything I had left in me to finish what I started. So, back then, if I were to have a kid, what would I name him?
I wanted to laugh because I already knew. At that time, there was only one name I would use. So, I whispered it to him. Not my clone.
But my son. "My Menma, is there any way you could forgive..." By the end my words slurred, my ears began to ring and I became numb.
Forgive me.
Please, just forgive me.
