On Her Vorlagian Majesty's Secret Service
By
00UCSBdad
Disclaimer: You must know by now that I don't own Castle. In addition, no Vorlags were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Okay, there were some awful Vorlag hangovers, but that's to be expected. Rating: K. Time: Immediately after The Tragical Comedy of Rick and Romeo, Juliet and Kate.
Luckily, Alexis was a well-educated young lady and knew the weaknesses of supervillains.
"Wait. Before you kill us, can you tell us what your vast, nefarious and sinister plot is? It must be brilliant."
Even though all the best books on how to behave like an evil overlord advise against answering a question like that, Dr. Furryfinger couldn't resist showing off.
He laughed sinisterly. Okay, who didn't think he'd laugh sinisterly? Anyone?
"Do you see the glass tank over there with the glowing blue gas in it?"
Alexis nodded.
"Oooh! It must be very deadly, and I bet you had to work very hard to make it. You must be brilliant."
Furryfinger smiled indulgently, wishing for a moment that he didn't have to kill the young humanoid. So few people really appreciated how hard one had to work to get to be a super villain. But he dismissed the idea at once.
"Not deadly at all and that's the brilliance of it. Once released, the gas will render Vorlags completely bald and then they'll all have to buy my full body Vorlag wig." He reached into a cabinet and pulled out a full body Vorlag wig.
"This is just a test batch of the gas, of course, and the prototype for the wig, but soon…" Yes, he laughed sinisterly.
"Brilliant." Alexis said. "Knowing how Vorlags feel about their fur, you'll make a fortune."
"But enough chit chat." Furryfinger said. "I'm afraid I'll haf to haf Over Time kill you know."
Corrine immediately assumed a karate stance and prepared to defend herself. Alas, Over Time simply slapped her away, apparently deciding to toy with the SIS agent.
However, this gave Alexis time to swing her purse at Over Time's head. It didn't knock him out, or even hurt him much, but the force of the blow did drive his hat down over his eyes. As he staggered around looking for his victims, he tripped over a mop and fell. The collapsium hatband was jammed into an electrical socket and Over Time checked out for good.
Before anyone could react, Alexis swung her purse at the tank, starring the glass with her first blow and shattering it with the second blow. The gas rushed out. The Vorlags screamed in terror, and all rushed for the one full body Vorlag wig as their fur disintegrated.
As the Vorlags fought, Alexis grabbed Corrine and headed for the door. Once safely outside, she tugged at her red locks. Nothing happened.
"Must only work on Vorlags."
"Thank God." Corrine said. "We need to check on Sam and Curly."
The two were still sitting in the park, staring blankly around themselves with dopey expressions on their faces.
"Far freaking out, dude." Sam said.
"Heavyosity." Curly replied.
Alexis sighed.
"It'll wear off in a bit, I hope. In the meantime, we should call SIS and have Dr. Furryfinger and his merry men hauled away."
It took a while, but eventually Curly and Sam returned to their normal selves. In the meantime, Alexis and Corrine had been looking over the documents SIS had seized from Dr. Furryfinger.
"Furryfinger has been working with someone named Mr. Big, but I can't find anything at all about him in all of Furryfinger's records. Just the name."
"Lemme ask around." Sam said. "I know a lot of people in this burg and one of them must know something about this Mr. Big."
Sam was gone for two days but came back with a lead.
"I found out where this bozo hangs out. You'll never guess where."
"In an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town." Alexis said at once.
"How did you know?" Sam demanded.
"Somethings never change."
Later that night the four intrepid heroes headed for the abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town.
"Be careful." Sam said. "It looks deserted, but I'm betting it ain't."
Suddenly they were confronted by a tall, powerful Vorlag wearing a cape and a mask.
"What are you doing here?" He demanded.
"Looking for Mr. Big." Sam said. "You him?"
"No, I'm Batvorlag and this is my secret lair."
"Do you know where Mr. Big hangs out?"
"Sure. Turn left going out the door and go past Vena, Warrior Queen's hideout, turn left at Vorro's place, and two buildings past that on your right and you're there. Nothing to it."
"Thanks, Bub." Sam Said.
"Um, Mr. Batvorlag…" Curly said. "Can I have your autograph? I have all of your comic books."
"Seeing as you're a fan, sure thing, young Vorlag. I'll even autograph the latest edition of Batvorlag comics for you."
They followed Batvorlag's directions and found themselves in Mr. Big's lair. They tiptoed in, but Mr. Big was ready for them.
"Hold it right there." Snarled a voice.
Suddenly lights came on and before our heroes were a half a dozen Vorlag thugs and someone who could only be Mr. Big.
"You're Mr. Big?" Alexis asked.
"Surprised, aren't you?" Big snarled.
Alexis was surprised. Mr. Big was the smallest adult Vorlag she had ever seen. He was even shorter than she was.
"You're surprised, aren't you? You didn't think Mr. Big would be…" Big stopped, unable to utter the word "small".
He took a deep breath.
"They laughed at me in school. They laughed at me at the University. They teased me and tormented me, but now I shall have my revenge."
"Mr. Big, I was on the anti-bullying committee when I was in high school. I've seen first-hand how destructive bullying can be, but that's no reason to give in to anti-social…"
"Silence!" Big roared. "Do you think I don't know your kind? I'm sure you enjoyed flaunting your enormous height over those less fortunate than yourself."
"Actually, for a human female, I'm not that tall. I'm…"
"Be silent!" Big roared. "I was just about to test my new super weapon. You'll be the first to see it in action."
Big turned to a lady Vorlag who was rather scantily dressed and was busy painting her nails.
"Yolanda, Dearest, could you move just a bit this way?"
"Sure thing, Sugah. How's this?"
Suddenly Yolanda realized what Mr. Big had in mind.
"No, Biggy. Please!" She screamed.
It was too late. A beam of purple light flashed out from Big's machine and Yolanda went from seven feet tall to only three. Alexis was surprised that Yolanda's clothing shrank along with her body.
"No Incredible Hulk effect here." She said under her breath.
Big examined his machine and then looked over at Yolanda who was crying.
"Not exactly what I had calculated. I think some adjustments are in order."
"Hey, if you need more time, we can come back later." Sam said. "How about next Tuesday? My whole calendar is clear for that day. We'll just be on our way and…"
"Not so fast. The machine is close enough." Big aimed the machine and put his finger on the firing mechanism.
Before he could do anything, a spectacular pair of legs dropped behind him and kicked him in a place where even a very large Vorlag would hurt. Big bent over in agony. Attached to the spectacular legs was the rest of Kate Beckett.
"Nobody move." Kate said.
Appearing behind her were Da Boyz, Buggsy, Muggsy and Puggsy, each with a pulse pistol in each hand.
"Grab some sky, boys." Buggsy growled. "Otherwise, we'll fill you full of little bolts of yellow light."
"Kate!" Alexis said." You have no idea how glad I am to see you. But how did you get here?"
"I suppose you should call me 00Kate now. Don Vorleone was a bit worried about how you'd do, so he asked me to look in on you. He asked Da Boyz to come along. V. was more than happy to cooperate."
"Hey, Sam Spade Vorlag can take care of himself." Sam said. "No need to send anyone along. I had this all handled. I was just about to make my move."
"Jeez Louise, Sam. We all know that." Buggsy said. "But you know Don Vorleone. When he worries about his pals, he wants to do something. It's just the kind of stand-up Vorlag he is."
Now mollified, Sam said nothing more.
"Curly, help me with Mr. Big's machine." Alexis said.
The two looked over the machine. Alexis spoke.
"We need to reverse the polarity of the flux capacitors. Can you handle that while I work on the spatial projector?"
The two got to work and in minutes they had the machine recalibrated. Alexis pointed the machine at Yolanda and fired a bolt of purple light at her. Yolanda was returned to her normal size.
"Thanks, kid. I appreciate that."
The Alexis turned the machine on Mr. Big and in a flash, a purple flash, he was, if not big, a good sized Vorlag.
"By the gods." He exclaimed. "I'm big. I'm big. I'm really, really, big."
"I think, Mr. Big, that this would be a good chance for you to forget about your foolish dreams of revenge. You have a real money maker here."
"How so, Red?"
"Suppose you want to send a thousand widgets to another planet, but the spaceship can't hold all of them? Just shrink them down at one end and bring them back to their normal size at the other end."
"You mean, become a legitimate businessvorlag?" Big said, suspiciously.
"You know if you had a sharp girlfriend to help you, Biggie, you might manage it." Yolanda said. "But you'd have to be really nice to her. Especially after what you did tonight."
"Aw, Yolanda, honey. I don't know what came over me. You know you're the only one for me."
"Words are nice, but something solid would be nicer."
Big grabbed the one quarter carat diamond ring he'd given her from her finger and had Alexis hit it with a purple ray.
"There you go, baby, a twenty-carat diamond."
"You might have to get the ring itself resized." Curly said.
"One thing, Big." Sam said, "Tell us where T.O.O.T.H.'s secret headquarters is."
Big drew himself up to his now tall height.
"Big doesn't fink on his pals. I'm no stoolie."
"Plus, he has no idea where they are." Yolanda said. "But try Varamanga, the Vorlag with the Golden Gun. I'll bet he knows."
Sam's eyes narrowed.
"Varamanga? I've heard of him. He's one bad hombre."
"We'll have to look him up." Kate said.
As they left, Sam asked. "What's a widget, anyway?"
"You explain it to him, Curly." Alexis said.
It took both Sam and Da Boyz days to get a lead on Varamanga.
"Word on the street is that he hangs out at an old amusement park." Sam said.
"Is it by any chance on the edge of town?" Alexis asked.
"Yeah, and it's surrounded by other abandoned amusement parks."
They drove to the amusement park where they found a very small humanoid waiting for them.
"Good day." He said, bowing. "I assume you're looking for Mr. Varamanga?"
"You got it, Bub." Sam said.
"You'll find him inside but be very careful and don't get separated. Things can happen if you get separated in an old, abandoned amusement park."
"Thanks for the tip, pal." Buggsy said, loosening his pulse pistol in his shoulder holster.
Walking inside, they found themselves in a hall of mirrors. In spite of the warning, they soon became separated. Alexis thought she had been following Buggsy, but ran into a mirror.
"Buggsy? Where are you?" She called.
A dozen Buggsies turned around and said, "Right here, Alexis."
She took a step forward and bumped into another mirror. She held her hand out in front of her and moved very carefully forward but losing track of Buggsy and all the rest. The she relaxed. Ahead of her was a Vorlag whom she was sure was Puggsy.
"Puggsy, is that you?"
"Sorry," said the Vorlag, turning to face her. "I'm not your friend."
He raised a golden gun and took aim at Alexis. She screamed.
TBC
