Notes : A glimpse into the life of Snape as he is coping with his expulsion from Hogwarts and of course his side to the confrontation between him and Lily. The thing with Lucius, Narcissa and Snape might seem out of left field but I am testing something. Don't worry the OTP won't change but I also wanna see how I can play that out.
Chapter 8 : Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
Snape's POV
"So, how do you feel about a winter wedding in Iceland? I want to make the wedding memorable specially for my darling fiance" Lucius says while sipping his fancy ginger tea.
I don't look up from the vials that I am organizing. Thinking if I don't talk or acknowledge Lucius, he will get bored and leave me alone. The bastard is currently enjoying a vacation and he took the mission on himself to annoy the living daylight out of me by dropping by my workplace and talking to me about his wedding. I get it that this lab is his father's and I am one of his best friends or acquaintances or both but can a man not work in peace for one single damn day!
"Didn't know that you have a hearing problem. Maybe I should lodge a leave of absence request so that you can go to the doctor to heal your ears." he said with the biggest shitfaced grin I have ever seen. Seriously, even Potter's annoying smug grin is nothing compared to this. This bastard!
Still arranging the vials I said without looking at Lucius, "Why are you asking me of all people about goddamn wedding advice? In case you didn't know, my romantic experience goes as far as reading 3rd grade porn magazines and jacking off in the shower. My face is so horrendous that the girl I like got repulsed and decided to jump on the lap of my biggest enemy." Finally I stocked the shelves. Hopefully this will get him out of my office so that I can work on my own potions. I have to get 3 batches of Antidote to Veritaserum ready before the end of the week. This job is nice. It gives me quite a lot of good facilities and there's the added prestige as well but I am a slytherin which by definition means I have to be ambitious. Not just ambitious in the sense that I have to utilize an opportunity to its fullest but to try and create a good enough network to fall back to if I lose this. After roaming around in Hogsmeade's shadier side for a few days I finally got myself a steady client who is willing to buy potions from me. The rate is subpar but I have to get some level of earning source if I want to lead a decent life. I cannot be over reliant on anyone. I already made the mistake by relying on Hogwarts and Lily to an extent to save me from my mess.
"Well your face isn't too bad to look at, especially with the way your hair is tied up. Wouldn't mind backing you in a corner and pulling that ponytail back so that you're forced to look into my eyes while your lips tremble thinking will I bend down and taste your tongue." Lucius says nonchalantly as if it's like commenting on how sunny today is. Hearing this I was so shell shocked that I ended up looking at him and the bastard winked at me.
I am genuinely embarrassed at how much it ignites a flame in me. Goddamnit Lucius! This is one of his games that he can play so well. After I had confessed to Lucius that I might be Bi after one drunken night, he makes a point to tease me with such things once in awhile. I don't even know if I am embarrassed by it because of my lack of experience or if it is because I really do want it. No! Lucius is a soon to be married man and he is one of my best friends. Even if there was a slight chance I shouldn't do anything to ruin it. I shift my focus back to the present. Lucius is looking at me intently and although he had a grin while he said it, he has a very blank expression right now. Seeing that I am not going to answer he clicked his tongue and looked out the window.
"Well your face might be pretty to look at after some work but your personality is horrendous. Nobody will want to be with you."
"Oh wow that's rich coming from the person who will be winning the most annoying wizard for 2 years running. Also do I need to remind you that you on your own volition decided to spend time with me."
"Well it's either this or escort Narcissa while she buys a thousand different clothes that she will never wear and would end up in the basement."
"I really wish your corpse would end up in the basement as well just about now. I am mostly an ordinary person but sometimes I genuinely get the extreme urge to break your skull open."
"Honestly the feeling is mutual."
A few tense moments passed between us before we both slowly started to chuckle. I mean the bastard is an annoying git but he is one of the very few people I can truly call a friend.
Seeing Lily on my doorstep was a shock that I wasn't expecting. Did I get my calculations wrong? I am sure I had 2 more months to prepare for this confrontation. Then again with how much I am working, I can't even keep up with the current date. I look at her staring at me wide eyed. Those beautiful green orbs finally looked at me. The last few times those eyes laid on me, there was almost a dismissive feel to it as if who she was looking at is not worth looking at. I forgot that she could look at me like this. It's as if I am back to my 7 year old self when I went to the park after our disastrous first meeting. That surprised green eyes with the hint of joy behind them. Her hair is swaying lightly with the wind. She looked mesmerizing in this faint glow of moonlight. Almost as if she is otherworldly. Goddamnit Severus! Get a hold of yourself. Remember how she hurt you and chose that arrogant fucking bully James Potter! Who am I kidding? Even if I control myself for awhile, I'll break sooner or later. Before my face gave away too much I decided to invite her to my home without thinking anything.
She is downstairs waiting and thinking who knows what. I am glad that I actually made my house somewhat presentable. I gave the excuse of shower and just escaped to gather my thoughts. This is not good. I have to get some sleep because I have to meet my buyer at Diagon Alley at 7 in the goddamn morning. I haven't slept properly in a week and now this happens with my half-insomniac state. Okay! Calm down Severus Tobias Snape! What could she want right now? Oh god she is surely going to ask why I didn't reply to her letters. What can I even say? Hey Lily! I spent countless hours over the last few weeks thinking about how to reply to your letters and not just give in to the desire to beg you to take me back as your best friend. No saying this will make me appear weak. I can't give her any weakness. Not now….Not while she is a marauder.
I let the cold water hit me. I need something to really keep my senses sharp. I wanted to avoid this but looks like this confrontation has come knocking at my doorsteps quite literally. This might be the last time I'll get to talk to Lily. How did we come to this? It was all so perfect. Even though Tobias used to beat me with a belt every now and then, even though I went days without any proper meal, the existence of Lily made everything bearable even worth it. I would've gladly taken any punishment imaginable just to get back those days. When there was no war, no hogwarts, no marauders, no Gryffindor or Slytherin.
I take extra care to condition my hair properly and use the oil that Narcissa recommended me. I have always been very conscious about my hair and appearance but I had no choice nor any money to improve them. Of course I don't believe that people will accept me or reject me for reasons as shallow as one's look and appearance but the world works differently than what is fair. I can be the best goddamn student Hogwarts has seen in close to half a century yet the people with status and good looks like Black or Potter or even Lucius will reach the top while stepping on people like us. I pick the best shirt that I have at my disposal. It's not like I believe I look that good or Lily would suddenly want me based on my looks. Despite all that has transpired between us, I don't believe Lily to be so shallow. Yes, her choice in prospective romantic partner is just as good as Narcissa's choice of alcohol but I don't think Lily will fall for such a cheap thing. Still….I do wanna feel desired. Lily has never seen me with a shred of basic human rights or even acceptable living conditions. To be able to keep my hair clean, body that doesn't smell or clothes that have hundreds or rat eating holes in them. This is Severus Snape, descendent of the Prince Bloodline and someone who will be part of magic's history. Also I'd like to see Lily's reaction to evaluate the situation with Narcissa and Lucius. Both have been a bit relentless with their flirtatious comments around me, especially surrounding me. They have always been mildly teasing about it but now it seems there's almost a new side to it.
I went down after getting ready and still saw Lily waiting in that sofa just as I had seen her when I went upstairs. Her tea sat on the side table without even being touched. It's like she hasn't moved an inch since I went to shower. Hearing me coming down she jolsted right up and our eyes met for the briefest of moments before I decided to make some dinner. I know I was thinking big when I picked my outfit to wear but now that I am here I am nervous and don't want to face Lily. What if Lily thinks this is just me playing grownups and such good things doesn't suit me…well I think making dinner right now is the best option. I need to prepare myself for the barrage of questions that she has for me for sure.
I decided to make some for Lily as well. I don't know if she is hungry or not but I think it's the right thing to do, right? I mean you're supposed to give food to your guests. That's the bare minimum as far as I know but then again this house hasn't seen a guest maybe ever.
Our late night dinner was going smoothly and smooth as in neither of us talking and sparing us the pain of talking to each other. Until of course predictably Lily decided to poke around my stuff. I cannot really talk about me selling positions because strictly speaking it is kind of illegal. So instead of replying to her like the civil human I am trying to become, I decided to be a mongrel and spit out stuff that I really shouldn't be saying. Who she decides to spend her time with is platonic or romantic is not my concern. Still hearing that Lily has a crush on James irked me beyond comprehension. With neither of us holding anything back, we have come down to this. Finally I have admitted my lack of resolution and indecisiveness. I should break this relation with Lily because thinking about it logically, she has bought me more pain than actually happiness on top of that my career path will probably lead me to become a Death Eater and knowing how fierce Lily is, I doubt she will stay home and not fight in the war whenever it will happen inevitably.
Lily's POV
Well the answer is definitely better than the worst case scenario which was if Sev was decisively going to cut ties with me but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I was blind to so many things but to hear Sev finally open up about him thinking about self-harming or even killing himself and I myself contributing to that line of thought is painful to comprehend. Have I truly been such a bad friend? No wonder my best friend decided to join the people who oppose people like me and want us eradicated.
With my mother being unconscious still and how the situation with Severus is deteriorating so fast, I don't think I can take it anymore. I cannot think of anything to say. I want to beg him just to let our friendship give another chance but I don't think that will change anything.
Suddenly I hear Sev asking me, "Lily, are you alright?"
The concern in his voice twisted my heart. This boy that I have neglected for so long to appease my fellow gryffindors still asks me about me with care and concern. I can't bring myself to look at him because I know if I look at his obsidian eyes, I will completely break. I was thinking maybe I'll just say that I am fine. I don't want to burden Sev. He has finally started to really shape his life how he has always wanted. I don't want to drag him down with my problems but no…. All this lying and deceiving has pushed our friendship to this breaking point. I will be fully honest with him from now on.
"My mother was in an accident. She is unconscious even though it's been days since the accident. The doctors keep on saying that she will wake up soon but they cannot even determine why hasn't gained consciousness yet."I somehow get out of my throat despite a lump forming in there. I want to open up to Sev. I want him back. For us to spend time together and rebuild our relationship.
Sev doesn't say anything. No questions about how it had happened, why I was here or why I was even telling him that. Instead he reaches forward and puts his hand atop mine and caresses it slowly. Almost as if telling me that it will be alright. My mother will be alright, our relationship will be alright. This did it for me. This seemingly small gesture finally did it for me. The river dam broke and I started sobbing hard while holding his hand. He scoots over and comes to sit beside me and I couldn't stop myself from holding on to his arm as he puts his other arm around my shoulder to comfort me. In my state of near hysteria I am blabbering to him about Petunia, about Hogwarts, about the situation with my mother, how Tobias has scared me. I didn't care. Not one bit. I have not felt this alive in god knows how long. Being applauded as the golden girl of Gryffindor or Hogwarts in general is nice but nothing beats this. To lay my head on Sev's shoulder and sit on the porch to enjoy the sunrise. It might take months or even years for Sev to forgive me but we will be alright.
Ending Notes : So...yeah I am not dead. Well something is dead. My laptop decided to commit Seppuku in the middle of my chapter so I basically lost everything I wrote and had to rewrite it so am sorry if it feels a bit rushed because I couldn't remember so much of what I had initially written. Also after my laptop yeet-ed itself, I started playing Mass Effect Trilogy which is GOATED btw and than decide to replay God of War as Ragnarok was coming and now playing God of War Ragnarok. So inbetween being broke to fix my laptop, going on videogame binge and my university faculties being general bitch, I couldn't make the time to update it sooner.
Recommendation for this chapter is "What if? The Purgatory of Lily" by Escoger ( s/4936966/1/What-if-The-Purgatory-of-Lily)
I finally gotten around to reading this. It's one of the more popular Snily fics and I can see why. It's just the right amount of melodramatic and angsty for me to enjoy.
