Our Feature Presentation:
Philip Williams writes:

KILL PHIL
A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and Fan-fiction.

Chapter One:
"2"

Somewhere in California...

She pulled up outside of the pleasant house. It looked peaceful.
The Crazed Uma Thurman Look-Alike (henceforth known as TCUTLA) smirked.

Well, that was gonna change.

Stepping out of her ridiculously over-the-top 'Kitty Wagon' convertible, she walked down the path beside the pristine lawn. It was all so perfect. A spotless summer home in California sunshine, like something out of a 1950s dream. On the perfect red door, there was a brass knocker. TCUTLA used it to announce her presence.

Knock, knock…

Inside, there was a crash and the sound of cursing. The resident inside opened the door. TCUTLA narrowed her eyes.

It was Marc.

For perhaps a minute, they stared at each other in silence. TCUTLA balled her fists in a rage to which the extent was known only to her. As Marc tried to work out why she was there, TCUTLA punched him full in the face, knocking him back into the entrance hall of his summer home.

Marc quickly recovered and adopted a hasty fighting pose. TCUTLA struck him again and, again, knocked him back, this time making him crash into a glass coffee table. Marc cursed under his breath…

'Fuck!'

…but got back onto his feet. He lashed out a TCUTLA with a high-powered punch. TCUTLA dodged aside and countered with one of her own, but Marc was too quick and evaded the blow. They fought into the living room, lashing out, blocking, parrying and countering each other. TCUTLA gradually gained the upper hand, and sent Marc flying into more tables, as well as many other assorted pieces of furniture, including (but not limited to: bookshelves, wall mounts, chairs, sofas and televisions).

After this short fight, which resulted in the damage of several tables, they paused.

Marc was flat on his back with TCUTLA standing over him.

"You're just a good a fighter as I thought you'd be," Marc said.

TCUTLA extended a hand to help Marc up, a rare exhibition of generosity on her part.

"You want some coffee?" asked Marc. TCUTLA shrugged one shoulder noncommittally and followed him into the kitchen. Once in the kitchen, Marc pulled a jar of coffee out of the cupboard and placed it on the worktop. He turned round.

"Cream and sugar?" he asked.

"Both" replied TCUTLA. There was, nor would ever be, any 'please' involved.

"Congratulations on finishing off Helen by the way" added Marc between the sugar and the cream. "And congrats, I guess, for finally silencing the Krazy 88 as well. They were spoiling fanfiction for the rest of us. I take it that they weren't too much trouble?"

"Bunch of over-rated tossers really," said TCUTLA casually. "They dropped like flies to my Across Blade. There was 'Sue blood everywhere.

She smiled, evilly. She may look like a respected Hollywood actress, but with one sadistic look she could send shivers down even the Devil's own spine.

"It was great! Now there's only five more to go…" TCUTLA added.

Marc nodded appreciatively. "That was quite a feat. Now you just need to finish off the other four."

Well, actually…

"But Marc, your orders were to finish every single member of the Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad. I thought, since you appear on the list…"

Marc laughed, although not very much.

"Well, just remember whose paying you."

TCUTLA laughed, rather dryly it must be said.

"But an assassin like me really ought to cover her tracks…?"

Marc laughed again.

"Excuse me for a moment, I'm hungry. You want some cereal?"

"No."

Marc shrugged and pulled out a packet of "Yu-Gi-O's" (available in all good stores… maybe). Though small and rat-like, he reached up to the highest cupboard and yoinked a bowl.

"Who is the next target on your list?

TCUTLA thought about it for a second.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MARC
MEMBER OF:
THE FATAL COBRA FANFICTION SQUAD
CODENAME: Nineteenth Angel

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Marc laughed and waved a hand dismissively.

"Nevermind," he turned his back to TCUTLA to get cereal out of another cupboard. "Just remember who paid you," he added, pouring some cereal into a bowl for himself.

"Yeah that's right, you foolishly paid me in advance," said TCUTLA darkly. "You know, an assassin really ought to cover her tracks…"

BANG!

Marc pulled the trigger of the pistol concealed in the cereal box. But his aim was poor so it missed TCUTLA and hit her coffee cup instead, the china exploding into hundreds of sharp little fragments. Taken aback, TCUTLA dropped to the ground and reached for the SOG combat knife strapped to her leg inside her boot.

Marc pulled the pistol out of the cereal box, but before he could get proper aim for a second shot, TCUTLA had already thrown the knife. It landed square in his throat. Marc fell to the ground, clutching at the hilt of the knife now buried in his jugular, eyes wide and staring and already beginning to display the glazed look of a dead man's eyes.

As I watched his death throes, I could feel the blade embedded in his neck, splitting open his jugular, spilling precious life-blood…

TCUTLA walked over calmly. She took her knife and wiped it clean on the lapel of Marc's jacket.

"From now on, it's just the thrill of the kill."

After making sure Marc was dead, TCUTLA went to leave the house. She made a few half-hearted attempts to clear up some of the mess she'd made in the living room, but gave up and left. Closing the door behind her, TCUTLA walked back down the green, green 1950s lawn and climbed into the back of her ridiculously over-the-top convertible.

The next target has to be around her somewhere…

Once more, TCUTLA sped off. Somewhere someone was still alive, someone who really shouldn't be. TCUTLA ticked her list off. The current list was:

DEATH LIST SIX:
Helen X
Marc X
Nancy
Tom-Tom
Adam
Phil

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I've loved the thrill of the kill since before I can remember. Whatever the reason was that Marc had hired me, it was no longer my concern.

Since Marc had foolishly paid in advance, I thought I'd catch another kill before I left town to get the next unfortunate member of the Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad.

I didn't have to pursue Phil or the other members. I had my money after all. But my first taste of Fatal Cobra blood had me hooked and I knew and I wouldn't be able to let this lie until I finished what I started out to do.

No doubt Phil would not rest until he found me. By this point I had killed Helen, and Marc was freshly dead too. Finding Helen was the easy part – when one becomes one of the foremost anime collectors in the world, one does not keep it a secret. At a time when I knew the lest about my enemies, she was easiest to find. That was one of my greatest battles, but I can't tell you that story just yet. You really need to know what makes me tick first. All you really need to understand is how much I enjoy killing.

I don't think I can actually describe to you how much I really enjoy killing. Maybe I should show you…