There is no end to the appreciation I have for my magnificent betas mel39 and joey 51. Thank you both for putting up with me.
Wedding Day
Ryan woke in darkness, twisted in sheets, with a headache roaring behind his eyes. Stretching out, his hand found nothing but empty space beside him. Rolling over, he blinked through the gray dawn and realized he was alone.
The dull birth of morning slowly crept in and brought with it striking confusion. The night's events were a rattled blur as his sleep-tossed memory struggled to resurface. It had been Seth's bachelor party. He remembered lots of liquor and then... and then what? Closing his eyes and concentrating, Ryan cruised past the darkness and zeroed in on the individual pictures floating around in his brain and tried to patch them together.
Burrowing deeper into the warmth of his sheets, Ryan tried to stave off the hurt feelings that came with remembering. They forced themselves on him and he doubled over, cocooning himself in the sheets and bedspread, trying to forget again.
He didn't know what was going to happen today and he was a little scared to find out. After what had happened the night before, he wasn't sure how Seth was going to react. He might tell Summer. He might call off the wedding. Or, worst of all, Seth would do nothing at all.
Sleeping with Seth had never been his intention, but after that first kiss... And, Ryan knew, without even having talked to Seth, that this had been a nova-like experience for him and that slowly those feelings-or whatever it was-were going to evaporate.
His throat was a little sore, and he remembered smoking almost an entire pack of Marlboro's. That probably wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do and his stomach apparently agreed.
Smoothing his hand down his face, he felt the roughness of a day's worth of stubble. His skin was still bruised where Seth's mouth had been. He moved his hands over his chest, closing his eyes and remembering Seth's ragged breaths and soft, wet tongue. Dropping his hand, he sighed and got out of bed. There was a lot he had to do to get ready.
Ryan had one goal in mind when he got to the hall: find Seth. When he heard Luke calling his name, he ploughed past him, making some type of weird Seth-like signal that he couldn't talk, and headed toward the back of the hall. There were two doors to choose from. On the other side of one, he was positive Sandy, Caleb and Seth had gathered. And behind the other, Summer and her bridesmaids were putting together the final touches on her dress and fixing her make-up. Ryan picked a door. His hand hesitated on the doorknob.
"Ryan?"
Ryan turned around, his heart in his throat. The hesitation had cost him. "I'm late," he offered apologetically.
Summer crossed her arms and stepped aside. "Get your ass in here, Chino, and close the door. I don't want Seth to see anything. It's, like, bad luck."
Regretfully, he slipped inside the room and pulled the door shut behind him. He was surprised to find that they were alone.
"Well, what do you think?" Summer swivelled as far as she could without disrupting the carefully crafted material. The design of the dress was such that it wasn't very practical save for the few minutes it would take to walk down the aisle and become a young bride.
"It's nice." He could scarcely breathe. The vision of Summer in white, blushing and nervous, brought about a deep feeling like jealousy that he almost couldn't contain. He looked longingly at the door. He had to talk to Seth.
Summer looked down at herself, smoothing out the gauzy fabric and then looked back up, meeting Ryan's eyes. "Nice? I paid twelve grand for nice? Uh-uh, I don't think so, Chino. Vera Wang isn't just nice-"
"Sorry? You look..." Ryan sighed, defeated. In every fold of the lacy gown, in the crown adorned on her head, and the long train sloping over the carpet, clung sparkling beads that shimmered like diamonds in the light. She looked amazing, and was practically glowing. "Beautiful," he finished, lamely.
"That's better," she said, although she still looked unconvinced. "You're not just saying that, are you?"
"No. Seth is going to lose his mind when he sees you."
Summer rolled her eyes. "That boy lost his mind a long time ago, but you really think so?"
Fuck, she wasn't making this easy on him. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."
Suddenly Summer had his hand in a death grip. Ryan felt like a trapped animal. All he wanted to do was escape. "Please, Ryan, don't do this to me."
Her eyes were wide, her pupils dilated, with something like fear shining through them.
"What am I doing?"
Ryan looked down at his hand where her perfectly manicured nails were starting to dig in. Her eyes followed his and she let go. Ryan rubbed his wrist; Summer was surprisingly strong. "Sorry."
"It's OK."
Summer paced. "It's my wedding day. This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and instead, I have to worry about whether or not my fiancé is going to run off with his brother." She paused to consider what she'd just said. She laughed-not the humorous laugh like when she really found something funny, but a dull, icy laugh that left Ryan feeling cold. "That sounds so wrong."
He supposed even Summer was a little tired of the pleasantries and pretending everything was fine. The undercurrents that had become normal were driving them all insane. It was one thing to hide the truth from everyone around them, it was an entirely different thing to hide the truth from themselves. Summer, like Seth, had to acknowledge that something was wrong. "I don't want to hurt you; you know that," Ryan explained.
"I do, but that doesn't mean you're not. What am I supposed to do, Ryan? I can't just let him go."
"I'm not asking you to."
She swallowed hard. "Then why are you here?" It was a not so subtle examination.
"Seth asked me to-"
"I know how much you love him." Ryan looked away. "I know a part of him will always love you," she continued, her voice shaking. "I've accepted that. But what about me? I love him, too. We've come this far. There are hundreds of people out there." Now Summer looked panicked. Little by little the light went out of her eyes. She laughed again, frigidly, detached. "They're writing an article about this for the society pages. Did you know that?" Ryan shook his head. "Can't you just see the headlines now: Caleb Nichol's grandson leaves bride at altar for adopted brother?"
This. She talked about the wedding with such cool stillness, Ryan had to wonder what was driving her. And maybe it had just become this thing for all of them. Just this...this thing that was expected. This is what people did. Ryan shifted his weight and directed his eyes on the floor.
"I know I was awful to you, but Seth made his choice. Why did you have to come here and dredge up the past?" Her voice was so quiet and breaking just a little. "We were doing fine. And now..., now he won't even look at me or, when he does, I wonder if he's thinking about you."
He didn't know what was expected of him anymore so he remained silent.
"He's the only person that ever believe in me, you know? He makes me feel..."
"I know." He hoped she wasn't going to cry; he didn't know what he would do if she did. "I'm sorry."
Ryan had nothing else to say. How was he supposed to reassure her when he had doubts himself? He turned to leave. The least he could do was give her some privacy.
"He says your name in his sleep." Her voice was so quiet, so filled with pain, that Ryan just couldn't leave.
Ryan faced her, searching her eyes. "What?"
"I've never told him he does it. But, sometimes, when he's sleeping I catch him. Maybe he's dreaming, I don't know."
Ryan shook his head, pressing his palm against his temple. The headache he'd woken up with had yet to dissipate. "I don't want to hear anymore."
"Ryan."
Ryan's throat felt very dry and when he spoke his voice was barely a whisper. "Summer, I-"
"Just go. Do what you're going to do, but just remember I warned you." It wasn't a threat. Ryan got the odd sensation that Summer understood, that maybe she even felt a little sympathy for him.
Escaping from the room, Ryan didn't hesitate at the other door this time. He walked right in. Immediately, he spotted Seth. Their eyes connected and Ryan knew. Seth looked away. There. That said it all.
Ryan knew that ease, that quiet understanding they'd shared the night before, the lack of expectations-that ease was now gone.
"Hey, uh, we should talk."
"There he is! We were getting worried, kid."
Ryan felt more than saw Sandy standing in the room. He couldn't seem to get his body to move to look. There was a sick feeling brimming inside his stomach. Throwing up was not an option. Clearing his throat, Ryan got himself together enough to turn to look at Sandy. Ryan suddenly felt shy. And his guilt intensified. "Hi, Sandy," he greeted, ducking his head. "Sorry, I- Can Seth and I have a minute alone?"
"Sure, sure. I should find Kirsten anyway. She's a wreck!"
Sandy stopped to adjust Seth's tie, giving his chin a gentle knock with his fist. "Good luck."
"Thanks," Seth murmured and forced a smile.
"Hey, you'll do fine." Sandy enveloped Seth in a hug, crushing him into his tux. Ryan could only watch. "Ryan, talk some sense into this one; he looks ready to flee."
It was Ryan's turn to fake a smile. "Sure," he said and spared a glance at Seth. Seth was green. He was looking at the floor and wouldn't look up for anything.
"See you out there," Sandy said as his departing words, and was out the door, leaving them alone.
Before Ryan could even approach him, Seth put up his hand and took a step back, distancing them. "I can't do this right now. It's not a good time. There are, like, guests out there and,
and-"
"What about last night?" Bitter disappointment rippled through Ryan.
"We were drunk. And, boy, am I feeling the effects of that-"
"Seth."
"Right. Okay. I thought... I mean, we were just saying goodbye." Seth sighed and it sounded weighted. "I've been down this road before. I can't go back."
"You're still going to marry her?" Ryan had expected this, but to actually hear it...it tore at him, causing a splintering pain inside his chest. The silence stretched. "Seth?"
"I have to! Can't you see that? I'm not like you!"
Ryan's eyes narrowed. "What does that mean?"
"It means that in five minutes I'm going to walk out that door, stand in front of hundreds of people, try not to puke, and...and marry Summer. And I'm hoping that you're going to be there standing beside me." Seth glanced at him and then looked away. It made the continual spiral of sadness sink even lower inside Ryan's stomach.
"You want me to go out there and watch and just, what? Pretend everything is okay. It's not okay, Seth. None of this is okay."
"Ryan."
Ryan stopped. No matter how much it hurt, he wanted to hear what Seth had to say. He looked closely, trying to find signs of what Seth was feeling, but his face was a mask, neutral yet completely fake.
"Maybe it was wrong, but I needed to see you. I didn't mean to... Things got out of hand."
"Maybe? Why did you even invite me to the wedding? You made me your Best Man. And for what? Then last night... What did you expect me to think?"
Seth threw his hands up in the air. "Okay, it was the most fucked up thing I could have done, but it has to be this way. I don't regret what happened -any of it. But right now, I need... Marrying Summer is something I have to do. I can't explain it."
"You could try."
"No, yeah, you're right," Seth said, squinting and nodding. "I... The thing is... Wow, this is really hard." He stopped and for a minute Ryan didn't think he would continue.
And then he did.
"It was that night. The night Marissa...died. I dunno, things just changed. I just couldn't deal. Everything was so intense, you know?" he said, looking to Ryan for confirmation. "And Summer. You know what Summer said to me that night? 'Marissa's dead. I need you, Cohen.' That's what she said. She was just...destroyed. I went to see her and, I dunno, maybe I led her on, maybe it was my fault, but the next thing I knew she was kissing me and telling me how much she needed me and I couldn't... I couldn't walk away from her. She just kept repeating it: 'I need you, I need you,' until the words didn't even make sense anymore, you know? I just wanted to make her feel better. I wanted to be there for her like I tried to be there for you. Because you, you just shut down. You didn't need me at all. You still don't."
"That's not true. I always needed you."
Seth scoffed. "No, you didn't. I'm not just talking about after Marissa died, either. You, just, never needed me. I tried to be there for you, I tried to get you to talk, but you just pulled away. It was clear that you would never trust me enough to tell me your secrets, whatever they were. You left before I ever did."
"That's not-"
"True? Come on, Ryan, we both know it is." Seth took a seat and covered his face with his hand.
"What did you want me to tell you?"
"Something! Anything!" He looked up at Ryan. "You, just, never talked to me. Not about anything important, anyway. I poured out my soul to you on a daily basis and you never gave anything back."
"You poured out your soul about video games and comic books," Ryan said flatly.
"That's so not the point. I made myself vulnerable; when did you?"
"I did. Last night. Look how well that turned out."
"Maybe if you hadn't waited so long, we wouldn't be he-"
"Don't pin this on me."
"I'm just saying, if you had told me-"
"What did you want to hear? About my shitty childhood? Yeah, okay, I had a bad fucking childhood. I went to bed afraid. I woke up afraid. I was always fucking afraid! Was I supposed to tell you that? You didn't want to know that. Fuck, I don't even want to remember any of it.
And then Sandy... When I came to live with you, I didn't have to be that kid anymore. I didn't want to be him."
"Ryan."
Seth felt sorry for him now. Ryan could see it in his eyes. "No, you know what? This is exactly why I never told you any of those things."
"Fine, I get it."
"No, you don't, Seth. You never got it. You grew up with two of the best parents any kid could have had and you just, you take it for granted. They love you so much. You think they'd care that you're-"
"Don't say it." Seth sighed.
Ryan was silent. He took a few minutes to let everything sink in. "Summer knows something's up."
"Look, if you ever felt anything for me-"
Whatever sympathy Ryan had been feeling crystallized into anger. "What? What, if I ever felt anything for you then I won't tell Summer what we did last night? Is that what you were going to say? Don't worry; I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm not proud of myself, either."
Ryan moved to the door.
"Wait," Seth called, standing.
"What?"
"I want to explain. I owe you that much." Seth shook his head. "I owe you more than that, but it's all I can give you right now." He sighed. "People look at you and they don't care what you are -you can do anything and they'll still love you. I'm not like that. And I can't do this to Summer."
"But you can live a lie?"
"It's not a lie! I love her."
"What about me?"
"What about you?"
"How do you feel about me?"
Their eyes met, briefly, before Seth looked away again. It was enough. Ryan had seen how set and sad they were. "You're my friend, my brother," Seth answered, resolute.
"Don't."
"What? You want the truth? What's that going to do? We both know how I feel," Seth muttered, uneasily.
Ryan's own voice softened. "Then why are you doing this?" He wasn't asking entirely for his own benefit.
"Because I have to. I want a family, Ryan. My parents want grandchildren, probably, eventually. I don't even know. And my grandfather. God, could you even imagine what he would say if I told him that you and I...?"
"You can have-"
"Even if I-" Seth struggled to speak. "Fuck it! I can't, okay? I just...I can't do it. This fucking sucks, okay? I don't... I never wanted-"
"Save it." Excuses. Ryan didn't need to hear excuses right now. He didn't know why it was so easy for Seth to walk away and he didn't want to hear platitudes that would leave him feeling empty.
"Ryan, don't be mad at me. Please."
"You can't be serious." Why was it so easy for Seth to declare everything as over when only the night before they had given each other everything, dispensed longing and passion and fear as they became a part of each other? And now Seth had pawned that trust, that bond, as something cheap and worthless. Ryan was not okay with that.
"I just... You have every right to hate me, and you probably do, but you'll never hate me as much as I hate myself." Suddenly he was confronted with Seth, devoid of flippant remarks and selfishness. This Seth was raw, a bleeding portal hidden under all the layers of ego he covered himself in. Ryan could see, looking out at him, the little boy teased on the playground and made to feel inferior by bullies that ground down his spirit. He was shattered. There were just small fragments of bravery left. It would be asking too much, demanding more than Seth could stand, for Ryan to disagree. Because the truth was, Ryan still didn't have it in him to hate Seth.
"Seth."
"I never asked to be this way and I don't - I don't know that I can make this work, but I have to
try, right? Things would be different if- Things would be different. Tell me you understand."
"I can't." Ryan didn't really know what Seth meant by that; he doubted Seth even really understood. He wasn't going to beg him. He still had some pride left. Some, not much. But it was enough. "I'll see you out there," Ryan said and slipped out the door, leaving Seth standing in the middle of the room, alone.
Coming to the wedding was the bravest and dumbest thing Ryan had ever done. Deep down Ryan knew Seth would choose Summer. It was the prudent thing to do. Sometimes showing the world who you really were was just too big a gamble. This was the way things were and he had to learn to accept that. Ryan had one good year with Seth. That was more than some people ever got. He realized that it would be selfish to ask for more.
Ryan tried to pay attention as Seth bumbled through his vows. He was fairly certain Summer cried when it was her turn. Ryan had to wonder if they were tears of joy, or tears because she knew that it was a mistake. Behind him he heard whispers of "sweet" and "honest" and "meant to be," but all he could see was the lie. That was his future being given to Summer up there on the altar in front of all these people. Those bumbled words belonged to him. And when Seth's foot came crashing down at the end of the ceremony, Breaking the Glass, shattering it into a million pieces, Ryan couldn't help feeling like it had been his heart inside the silk handkerchief.
Ryan could barely make his lips form the words as half the guests erupted in chants of Mazel Tov, congratulating the new couple. Seth and Summer were married.
And it hurt.
The reception hall was decorated similarly as it had been the night of the rehearsal dinner, but everything was grander. The bouquets were bigger, the pink was more intense, and the guests were less real. Ryan had never schmoozed with so many people in his entire life. He couldn't wait for the night to be over.
Julie hovered, watching, in her low-cut red dress, seemingly raised above the crowd in her Manolo Blahnik stiletto heels, waiting for a moment alone with Ryan. From the corner of his eye, Ryan could see her scouting out her approach. There was almost something predatory with the way her cat eyes followed him around. When Anna left him to get a drink, Julie moved in for the kill.
"Ryan."
Ryan cleared his throat. "Mrs. Cooper."
"Call me Julie. It's Carpenter now, anyway. I married Bill last fall. He's a stockbroker. Old as the hills, but he's worth millions. Poor man has a heart condition. Oh, there he is! Hi, Billy!"
"Ah, I can see why you would be attracted to a man like that," Ryan said, sardonically.
Julie had remarried Jimmy the same year Seth, Ryan, Summer and Marissa went away to school. Ryan had heard that the marriage had fallen apart after Marissa died, but he couldn't resist taking a dig at her. There was a part of Ryan that had always blamed Julie for Marissa being so screwed up...there was a part of himself that he blamed for not being able to stop Marissa from killing herself. If he had just done something... If he had been there... For weeks, after she died, Ryan had terrible dreams. One more vivid dream involved Marissa's skeletal figure sitting at the end of his bed in an eyeless stare, not speaking, just waiting. Those dreams would pull him out of sleep, sweat-soaked and nauseous, as he strained to see in the dark.
"Marissa would have loved this."
Ryan was so caught up in his thoughts that he almost forgot about Julie. He gritted his teeth. Like Julie Cooper had known anything about her own daughter. He wouldn't say anything, though. It was neither the time nor the place. When Ryan didn't bite, Julie seemed to let go of her nostalgia and moved on to shallower topics.
"So, Ryan, seeing anyone?" She pulled the tiny plastic straw out of her drink and licked the end.
Ryan flinched. "Uh, you know I'm gay, right?" He wasn't ashamed of who he was but saying it out loud never got any easier.
"Ooh," Julie said, flustered. "Well, of course. Did you think I was hitting on you?"
"I-"
"Oh, look, there's Luke. Excuse me, won't you?"
"Gladly," Ryan whispered under his breath.
"I hope that husband of hers lives until he's ninety-three."
Ryan felt the weight of Sandy's arm around his shoulder. It was comforting. "Hey, Sandy."
"So, how you doing, kid?"
"I'm okay. You?"
"Oh, you know. Kirsten passed out about half-an-hour ago; she had just a little too much wine, what with all the stress, but other than that, things went well."
"The ceremony was nice," Ryan remarked.
"Yeah, it was." A moment of silence passed. "Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't know what happened between you and Seth... I know the two of you have been having some sort of problem for a while, but it doesn't change how Kirsten and I feel about you. You're always welcome in our home. Just so we're clear."
Ryan wasn't sure how much Sandy knew, how much he'd guessed or what connections he'd put together-whether he just thought that he and Seth were having a brotherly spat or if he knew that their problems ran much deeper-but he did know that Sandy meant every word he said. Even if Ryan and Seth never spoke again, Kirsten and Sandy were still there for Ryan. It meant more to him than he could ever express.
Unable to find the right words, Ryan settled for a simple "thank you."
"I'd better get Kirsten some coffee. If the Newpsies see her like this, they'll be gossiping for weeks."
"Later." Ryan raised his hand for a slight wave as Sandy strode off. When he dropped his hand to his side, Anna took it. Turning his head slightly, he smiled at her. "Where's your drink?"
"Icky boob man was at the bar. I had to make a beeline back here as quick as I could."
Ryan chuckled, but it lacked any force.
They stood in silence for a long moment, watching Summer and Seth dance. They were joined now as husband and wife and nothing, barring a divorce, could break that bond. There were lines that Ryan would never cross and this was one of them.
It was agony. It felt like his insides were being ripped out and they were slow dancing right over them.
"How are you doing?" Blunt. Anna was not one to walk around the issue.
"Me? I'm fine."
"Ryan, come on. It's not over; Seth'll realize he did the wrong-"
"He won't." Ryan knew that as truth even if the rest was all a jumbled mess inside his head. Maybe Seth didn't even really exist. Maybe Ryan had made him up and the real splendour was that he'd added all the goodness he'd always craved from another person and subtracted everything that hurt too much to recognize as something real. Lies, maybe. Lies to console himself.
"How do you know?"
"I just know. He wants a family. I can't give him one; Summer can."
"You could always adopt. There are plenty of things you could do. It shouldn't end here. It just doesn't feel right."
"He did the right thing." The words slipped out surprisingly easy in spite of the way his heart lurched and fell.
"You don't really believe that."
Ryan didn't know what he believed anymore. "He deserves to be happy. He wants to be a father."
"He can still be a father without-"
"Summer needs him," he interrupted.
"More than you do?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Ryan," Anna said, softly. She pulled him into her arms before he had time to think to protest and then it just felt nice and comfortable, and he couldn't be bothered to push Anna away.
Ryan chuckled. "So, ten years, huh?"
Anna nodded. "Ten years." She took Ryan's hand again and pulled him along with her onto the dance floor. "Come on, I'll let you dance with me. Besides, you still owe me a dance from the Debutant Ball."
"Right. I might step on your feet."
Anna squeezed his hand. "I don't mind."
Ryan was subsumed with gratitude. "Thanks, Anna."
Anna blushed. "Yeah, yeah. No fistfights, okay?"
"I'll try."
"That's all I ask."
Ryan had called Anna a cab and saw her off before returning to the party. She'd had enough of the Newport social scene to last her a good year or two.
The night was winding down. Most of the guests had left; the cake sat in ruins, a mess of pink and white frosting; the floor was covered in confetti, reminding Ryan of pink paper throw-up and empty champagne flutes, bottles of beer, cups of punch and mixed drinks lay abandoned at every table. It had been what Ryan expected, but much harder than even he had imagined.
Ryan realized halfway through the reception that avoiding Seth was stupid. There was no need to even bother, Seth was keeping his distance and certainly wasn't trying to get him alone.
Ryan tracked Kirsten down at the head table where she had apparently sobered up. He took the seat beside her. "I thought you'd passed out."
"Is that what Sandy's telling everyone? No wonder one of the Newpsies slipped me an Alcoholics Anonymous card."
Ryan laughed, uneasily. "Listen, I think I'm going to take off."
She moved forward, plunging into the fluorescent glow of the lights overhead, making her hair shine golden, and the side of her face look sallow. "Already?"
"It's been a long day."
"Okay. Make sure you come by in the morning before you leave. I'll even order breakfast. How do you feel about blueberry pancakes?"
"I, uh, have some things I have to get done before I go back to work... I was going to wake up early and head out, less traffic that way."
The delicate skin beside her eyes creased, and her mouth turned up just slightly, just enough for Ryan to see a hint of a smile. "We never got to have our talk."
"Next time?"
Kirsten looked at him then, really looked, her blue eyes penetrating his, and Ryan couldn't help feeling exposed. Finally, after a minute, she nodded. "Okay, next time."
She pulled him into a tight hug. This time, he really didn't want to let go. Somehow he wished the protection her arms offered him would stay with him forever. But nothing could last forever.
The bathroom was empty when Ryan entered it and he was thankful he didn't have to hobnob with any more guests. He looked at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands, so focussed he didn't hear anyone come in.
"Hey, man."
Ryan turned, but didn't speak. He didn't think he'd have to have another confrontation with Seth -not this soon, at least.
"Platinum," Seth said, holding up his hand, showing off his ring finger. "Summer hates gold; she says it clashes with...something. I can't remember what, exactly." He tried to laugh, but it fell flat.
"Seth, what do you want?"
"I wanted to apologize. I let things get out of control and- I don't want to make excuses. I'm just going to get to the point, because the more I think about this, the more nervous I get and I came in here to, possibly, throw-up when I thought you'd gone back to your hotel without saying goodbye or anything; but you're obviously not gone because you're standing right in front of me."
"Seth, if you have a point, get to it."
Seth shifted his weight. "Are we ever going to be okay?"
"I don't know," Ryan said, fixating on the tiles on the floor.
Seth snapped his fingers and took a step closer. "Hey, I just got a brilliant idea, dude." He was smiling. Ryan wondered how he could still do that. It seemed out of place after such carefully executed words not a moment before. It was going to take Ryan some time before he had something to smile about. It was just another mask. Just another part of himself Seth conjured up when harsh reality was too painful to face. "You should stay a few extra days. I dunno, maybe come over and I'll make us waffles. 'Cause I can do that now, Ryan."
Ryan knew what Seth was trying to do, but he couldn't pretend any longer. "I can't stay. I... I need some time."
Seth's smile faded. "So this is it? You're just gonna leave and, what, like, never come back?"
"I don't know."
"What if I made a mistake?" Ryan could see that reality-the realness of the commitment Seth had made-had finally sunk in.
"Summer loves you. And I... Figure out a way to make this work, Seth. If you love her the way you say you do, you'll find a way. Summer's your wife now and you owe it to her."
"That's just it, I'm not sure-"
"You hurt me, you're hurting yourself, and what, now you're going to hurt her too?"
"No, I don't want to- I never wanted to hurt anyone. I just want... I want things to be okay between us."
"How?"
"Can't we just forget about everything? Forget what happened."
"I don't want to forget. And I'm tired of pretending."
"What can I do to make it okay?"
"I don't know."
"Would you stop saying that? 'I don't know. I don't know.' What the fuck, Ryan! You sound like a machine."
Ryan moved quicker than Seth could react. In one slick motion, Seth was trapped. Ryan's chest and hips were pressing into his and one of his hands was on either side of Seth's body. Ryan could keep him here all night if he wanted. And a part of him did want to. "You don't get to yell at me. You got that?"
Seth's first instinct was to struggle, but Ryan was stronger and they both knew it. Seth pushed forward and Ryan pushed back. Seth pushed again and Ryan used all his strength to keep him immobile and pinned against the concrete wall. "Yeah, I got that," Seth relented.
Ryan bowed his head, letting it rest against the lapels of Seth's tuxedo jacket. He spoke into Seth's shoulder. "I'm so sick of doing this. You can't keep giving me hope and then taking it back. It's not fair."
"I don't know what else to do." Seth wasn't struggling anymore, he was clinging; clinging onto Ryan so tight, it ached.
"I have to go," Ryan said and pried himself away. If he didn't do it then, he'd never be able to.
Seth didn't follow him out of the bathroom and Ryan didn't stop walking until he was outside.
His body crashed into the brick wall and it bit into his spine, but Ryan didn't feel anything.
The sky was clear and the air was warm.
Ryan shivered.
Sometimes the rain never stopped falling.
end.
