Our Feature Presentation:
Philip Williams writes:

KILL PHIL
A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.

Chapter four:
"The Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad"

This is where the funky 70s theme music starts. Make sure you're listening to some.

A multi-headed cobra appears in cheap – yet cool – animation. It rears up to strike… and strikes!

Freeze. After some time the silhouettes of the Fatal Cobras fade in. Their blackness contrasts with the strange psychedelic colours of the background.

"The FATAL COBRA
FANFICTION SQUAD
The Fa. Co. Fa. S"

No, no-one knows what Facofas means. God knows what Phil was thinking when he came up with that.

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"STARRING"

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The first silhouette is revealed, reading some manga and – the spoilsport – giving us the finger.

"HELEN
as
BELOVED FOOL"

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The second silhouette is revealed, swinging a bamboo sword inexpertly:

"MARC
as
NINETEENTH ANGEL"

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The third silhouette is revealed, smoking a dubious substance whilst simultaneously splitting into alternate copies of himself.

"TOM
as
TOM-TOM: FIRST OF THE TOMS"

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The fourth silhouette is revealed, holding an enormous gun and bearing a large, wide grin.

"NANCY
as
DEADLY SIRENS"

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The fifth and final silhouette is revealed, clad in ex-Soviet Union military gear and leaning on a motorbike.

"ADAM
as
SOVIET MAN"

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Created and produced
by
PHIL

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Now even though I've read a comprehensive dossier on my quarry I've still little idea of their strengths and weaknesses. Beloved Fool, the first name on my death-list, would surely be in Japan. They always have a cosplay convention being held somewhere over there, don't they? That would be convenient, because if I had to slaughter the Fatal Cobras I'd need to take a stop in Japan anyway. But enough about that. Let me tell you a little more about Beloved Fool, the first Fatal Cobra I killed.

Beloved Fool's origins lie shrouded in mystery. Some say she is a beautiful monster, something only seen at night drinking red wine. Others say she's justyouraverage fan fiction author. Maybe both are right. I could tell from her dossier that I'd find her anywhere there was high-quality manga… or Harry Potter slash... available.

Though her origins are hazy, by the age of eighteen she was a listed as one of the premier fan fiction writers in the world. Now she's part of the Phil's Fatal Cobras, a shadowy group, much like The Secret Masters of Fandom, playing at getting all the control, power, money and influence it can.

Since she's a favourite of Phil, she'd be guarded and escorted by some of his most loyal and fearsome soldiers. We'll discuss them later.

Looks like I'm going to Japan then. But first things first:

"Wiggle your big toe."

Go on, I bet your feet are half-asleep by now, especially if you've been reading all these chapters back to back.

Right. Hard part's over. That's all the insight you're getting into me and my prey. If you dare, follow me on my journey. Next come the last two parts of my little burst into the past. I gotta take a plane to pick up something special, brush up on my skills and kill my first Fatal Cobra.

Then we'll get back into the present, the here and now, I promise.

Time to fly…

"One ticket to Japan" said Tcutla, slamming a wad of dollar bills on the airport ticket counter.