Our Feature Presentation:
Philip Williams writes:

KILL PHIL
A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.

Chapter five:
"Five Minute Intensive Training"

That Man led Tcutla through the back, past kitchen and the over-dressed robed chef, into another building. It was as crappy and run-down as the poor filthy bar they'd just left. Everything changed when That Man led her into his loft though… Tcutla looked the room, the carpeted floor and the wall racks…

It was the most beautiful thing she'd ever saw. She felt a tear of joy forming in her right eye.

Rows upon rows of swords, each one finely crafted by one of the greatest sword smithy in history. They were set on wooden racks in their hand-carved wooden sheaths. Even the sheaths were highly ornate, depicting acts of violence, legend, heroics and conquest. Some had prayers, mottos, emblems, quotations and poems written on them as well. Tcutla reverently approached one of the racks. Not bothering with politeness, she picked one sword up and cradled it in her arms, gazing at the perfect Japanese steel.

"Why don't you try another?" said That Man, head poking out of the trapdoor entrance on the other side of the attic. "Try the second one down, sixth row on your left."

Tcutla found it, sleeping dormant, in it's shining black sheath. She held it up, unsheathed it partially…

That Man smiled, and climbed out into the attic.

…then unsheathed it fully. The blade flourished in the light. Tcutla tried wielding it; the blade hummed as it cut through the air.

"It is funny how much you like Samurai swords," said That Man. He pulled a baseball out of his pocket. "I like baseball."

He pitched and threw the ball straight and hard at Tcutla.

SLASH. Quick as a whip, Tcutla sliced the ball in half, in mid air. Two perfectly cut baseball pieces fell to the floor. That Man gave Tcutla a respectful nod, then crossed the attic towards her.

"It is good that I could show you these, but as someone as knowledgeable as you must surely know, I no longer make weapons," said That Man. "Not since my defeat at the hands of a funky-haired anime director and a low-paid foreign worker."

He sighed, and took the sword from Tcutla. The thought of simply killing him and taking the blade crossed her mind, but she reckoned she'd get something good out of this reflective dialogue. Besides, you don't just kill That Man.

"I now live a quiet life, and keep these swords simply for their sentimental value. I am proud of my life's work in the evil organisation of ACROSS…" he said, "But I am retired. I no longer make swords."

"Then just give me one of these!" pleaded Tcutla.

"These swords are not for sale," said That Man.

"When did I say 'sell'?" said Tcutla. "I said… GIVE"

"Ha!" laughed That Man. "You want me to give you a sword? Why should I be obliged to help you exterminate your vermin?"

"Considering the vermin, I'd have thought you'd be more than happy to oblige," said Tcutla.

"You mean…"

"And not just any fanfic author…" allured Tcutla.

That Man walked over to the dusty loft window. He scrawled a name into the dust:

"PHIL"

The blonde haired assassin nodded.

The proud warrior, That Man, walked back over to the trapdoor entrance.

"I have just the sword. The greatest sword that has ever existed. It may take me a few minutes to fetch it. You may sleep over there," he said, pointing to a corner of the attic. "And then we shall begin the intensive training.

Tcutla smiled at That Man, who left to fetch the greatest weapon known to man. Tcutla walked over to the window, removed a handkerchief, and wiped Phil's name off the window.

FADE TO BLACK

Five Minutes Later…

Tcutla had spent the five minutes resting in the corner. When he returned, he kicked Tcutla softly in the ribs.

"I have in my hands the greatest weapon ever created. Though it breaks an oath I swore to God two years ago, I will give you it because I am sympathetic to your cause. This is a blade that I created for purpose of killing people, and in that purpose, I was successful. Possibly too successful…"

Tcutla gazed up at the weapon, a sword in it's sheath. Both the sheath and the handle were pure black wood, completely jet. At the base of the sheath, by the handle of the blade, was the head of a roaring lioness.

"I can tell you, with no ego, that this is my finest sword. It is the greatest sword I have ever made, and the greatest sword you will ever find. No weapon will ever match it's power," said That Man.

He gracefully removed the sword from it's sheath. It was thin, sharp and shining silver, against the black of the handle. It was so sharp and finely crafted that when That Man rotated the blade, it disappeared momentarily, before reappearing as the width of the blade came back into view. Even when it did not appear to be moving, the blade hummed as though all air around it was being cut to ribbons.

"Should you encounter God, then God will be cut," Said That Man. "And now I must train you in Warrior Philosophy."

For the first time in what felt like an eternity, Tcutla's eyes left the grand masters samurai sword.

"What?" she said. "But I wanna use the cool sword!"

That Man ignored her.

"Death and martial combat is never a straight line. The way of the warrior is a forest, and like a forest it is easy to lose your path. To serve as a compass you must have a warrior philosophy, such as thatwhich can be found in the Yagu Ninja. And now, my yellow haired warrior, repeat after me…"

"When engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern..."

With a great yet childish malice Tcutla repeated this. "When engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern…"

"...This is the first and cardinal rule of combat..."

Tcutla repeated. "This is the first and cardinal rule of combat…"

"...Suppress all human emotion and compassion..."

"Must we do this?" Tcutla whined. That Man shot her a deathly glare.

"Of course women! Haven't you ever seen a kung fu-revenge movie before? Now repeat my wise mantra!"

"Very well… suppress all human emotion and compassion…" said Tcutla, bored.

"...Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself..."

"I will kill whoever stands in my way, even if it be the Lord God, or Buddha himself…"

"This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat. Once it is mastered thou shall know no fear though the Devil himself may bar thy way..."

"This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat. Once it is mastered I shall know no fear, though the Devil himself may bar my way."

Upon finishing this, Tcutla looked at the greatest weapon-smith on the earth.

"Domo."

That Man smiled at Tcutla.

"Congratulations, most strange Uma Thurman look-alike, your intensive training is complete."

"Seriously?" said Tcutla, confused. "That was pretty short."

"That's because it was very intensive."

"Don't you have any secret ancient Japanese techniques? There's got to be more to it than a few lines of philosophy."

"Hey, with this sword, all you do is swing it and stuff dies. Someone with your skill should be able to slay armies."

Tcutla shrugged and accepted the blade from That Man. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, even amongst this room of master-forged swords.

"This sword is called the ACROSS Blade. You will find no better, even if you were to travel to another world."

Tcutla removed the ACROSS Blade from it's sheath and swung the sword around a little bit. You could hear the molecules in the air being cut in half. She held it over her head triumphantly.

And now it is time to show you what happened next. Before we get back to the present, I will show you the slaying of the first Fatal Cobra…

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TCUTLA GOT "ACROSS BLADE"!

SHE FEELS HAPPY AND SLIGHTLY MORE PSYCHOTIC!
THIS PRICELESS WEAPON WAS FORGED BY THE SUPREME LEADER OF ACROSS – 'THAT MAN'. LEGEND SAYS IT HAS THE POWER TO CUT THE GODS.

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STATS

'ACROSS Blade'
Plus 265 Dmg
Deals double damage to Fan Characters
Deals triple damage to Bad Fan Characters
Plus FiftyPercentMGK Res.
Has aThirty-ThreePercent Chance of Unleashing "Whoop-Ass" Against Enemies