Our Feature Presentation:
Philip Williams writes:
KILL PHIL
A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.
Chapter seven:
"Showdown at the House of Azure Flora"
Part One
Glad you made it this far into the tale. This is what it's all about. This is the only reason I've bothered telling you everything else. This is why I'm here, this is what made me, this is the core of the story. Come, and listen to the long tale of the Showdown in the House of Azure Flora.
The House of Azure Flora, in Tokyo. It's a beautiful place, or was. The building, inside and out, is based on classic Japanese designs. The bottom floor of the restaurant is a large open area for dancing, served by a bar with a staged opposite. Tables are provided around the edges for those who need a break. The upper level has a full view of the bottom, but branches off into several private rooms for customers. People on the upper level can pick from a variety of beautiful – but expensive – dishes. Here is a place where crime lords gather and fan authors muse on their next project. Helen and her cosplay minions walked through the bottom floor, the crowd parting as she approached – who wants to get in the way of a bunch of crazy Power Rangers and a guy in a big red coat? Or a fully armoured knight for that matter. A frightened and gibbering waiter led them upstairs to their private eating room, where Rubus and several other costumed bodyguards were waiting, drunk.
Tcutla, clad in her yellow jumpsuit, entered the restaurant. None of the dancers paid much attention to her, and she slipped into the crowd unnoticed.
Sometimes fortune truly smiles on something as violent and ugly as the release I give to people. At times like that it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, but I'm doing his will. I started out knowing little of my newfound enemies, but the first name on my death list was almost too easy to find.
But when one manages the difficult task of becoming queen of the anime fandom, one doesn't keep it a secret, does one?
From almost the beginning, she was backed by Phil both financially and philosophically, in her titanic power struggle with other crazed anime and manga fans. When all the struggle was over, it was Beloved Fool that was the victor.
Beloved Fool opened the door and saw her bodyguard laughing on the floor. They were drunk, and one was not wearing his costume. He had instead, perhaps absent-mindedly, switched back to the sharp black and white suit with Kato mask that was the uniform of the special bodyguard unit.
"Just what is going on here!"
Everyone became quiet.
"WHY…" she yelled, pointing at the out-of-costume back-in-uniform bodyguard. "Are YOU OUT OF COSTUME!"
"I…" he began.
"I DON'T CARE!"
Beloved Fool stopped and took several deep calming breaths. It didn't seem to be working.
"Now…" she said. "I'm going to say this in Japanese so you know how serious I am…"
"As your new master, I encourage you to - always in a respectful manner - to take time to get comfortable and relax in your new assignments. If you are tired and low on morale, tell me so and I promise that no request will be immediately discarded. But I will say this, and I will say this just once, right here and now, and only once: during a cosplay convention, you will ALWAYS wear your costumes! ANY OF YOU BASTARDS BREAK THE COSTUME RULE ONE MORE TIME, I CUT OFF YOUR FUCKING HEAD! DO YOU HEAR ME!"
The un-costumed bodyguard nodded.
"Anyone else here feel like not dressing up as anime character!"
No-one nodded. A mass shaking of heads.
"I thought so."
-
On the ground floor, the two musicians who were setting up their instruments noticed Tcutla.
"Dude," said Jack. "Is that Uma Thurman? Check her out man!"
Kyle spotted Tcutla and stared.
"Oh my god man!" he said. "It's Uma Thurman!"
"Damn!"
Kyle was entranced. "She's a goddess."
And Jack didn't exactly find her unattractive either.
"Okay dude, I got a plan," said Jack. "You want your goddess? Let's get you a goddess."
He connected the mike. The initial static deafened most of the people, but they recovered. The Uma Thurman look alike seemed unfazed though, she was staring, obsessed, at a room on the upstairs floor.
"This is a shout out Uma Thurman!" said Jack. "That gorgeous blonde in yellow! And the rest of you, take heed!"
He nodded to Kyle.
"Get the guitar man."
Kyle handed Jack a guitar and took another off their off-stage rack for himself.
"This one's for you babe," he said, pointing to Tcutla.
They started strumming. The music caught Tcutla's ear, but she tried to stay on target.
"This is for the greatest and best actress in the world..." sung Jack. "Uma Thurman."
Just now me and my brother Kyle here,
We were setting up, about to start our gig.
All of a sudden, there shines the shiny Uma Thurman... in the middle... of the room.
Kyle twanged his guitar and produced a mystical sounding note.
"And she's so hot!" added Jack, becoming more and more engrossed in his song.
So we'll play the best song in the world,
So she'll bone Kyle here!
"Well me and Kyle," sang Jack. "We're looking at each other, and for Uma Thurman we say…"
"Okay! "
They both started strumming louder.
Now we're playing the first thing that comes into our heads,
And it just so happens to be,
The Best Song in the World, the Best Fucking Song in the World.
Look into my eyes and it's easy to see,
One and one make two, two and one make three,
It is destiny.
Like how once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun don't shine and the moon don't glow
And the grass don't grow...
When he saw you Uma, KG was stunned.
And whip-crack went my whoopy tail,
And I knew what was to be done.
So come ask us: "Be you single?"
And we'll say, "Yay, we are your men."
In a fit of passionate vocalism, Jack leapt forwards to the front of the stage, tearing his shirt off. Several Japanese women squealed and nearly fainted at the sight.
"So, ROCK ON...!" Jack became a crazed singing madman.
'ONNNN ONNNN… Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah, ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!'
This is not The Greatest Song in the World, oh no,
This is just a tribute,
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no,
This is a tribute! Ohhh, to the greatest actress in the world oh oh,
Uma! You are the greatest actress in the world,
Kill Bill! It was the best muthafuckin' movie in the world,
Jack reached his hands out to audience, inviting them closer to hear his tale.
And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
The song we're singing probably can't be understood
By anyone around.
He leapt back into the centre of the stage with Kyle, and the song picked up it's pace again.
This is all in English! You gotta believe me,
I wish you could speak it!
But you can't understand me,
Ah, fuck!
Good God,
God lovin',
But I'd be so surprised to find you can't hear it though Uma!
They both reached a frenzy, and then the song began to wind down to a finish.
"Dude, she's heading upstairs," said Kyle. "What if she doesn't like me?"
"Don't worry Kyle," said Jack. "That babe 'll be back."
Well those wannabe musicians were quite an annoyance, weren't they? I ignored them, but because they were singing about me – or someone who looks like me – I had to take it slow, stealthy climbing the hanging stairs up to the second floor. I knew precisely which room Helen was in and, crouching beside it, I started listening into the conversation with intent…
Inside the private Japanese dining room was Helen, Garnet, Rubus and no less than ten bodyguards. The bodyguards were the bodyguards, one wearing a red coat and orange glasses, five as Power Rangers, one wearing small crescent glasses, dressed in a sweeping light blue cape, with his hair dyed white. Another was dressed casually, and had an afro wig on, and another still was dressed as an army soldier with a "BLSO" logo stitched on. The last one was wearing a skin-tight plug suit, and his normally wild black hair cut short and slightly brown.
The mop tops in cosplay are Beloved Fool's bodyguards, called "The Krazy 88." I guess now I should tell you that the deal with them is…
Helen sensed something…
Wait…
She took out a small throwing dagger and threw it right at the door, right where Tcutla had been listening…
How did that bitch know?
"Garnet, go have a look."
The massive superhuman silently stood up, opened the door, and looked around the empty walkway. All traces of Tcutla were gone.
"Nothing," he shrugged, and closed the door behind him.
But I'm not without a few tricks of my own.
Tcutla dropped down from the ceiling. That was a close one, she thought.
"Garnet, where is Sofie?" Tcutla heard Beloved Fool ask.
"She should be at the bar, Mistress Helen."
End of Chapter. It looks like this scene was too big a tale for me to tell you in just one chapter. Tune in next for the rip-roaring conclusion to this epic battle.
- Signed,
The Crazed Uma Thurman Look Alike
xxx
