Our Feature Presentation:
Philip Williams writes:
KILL PHIL
A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.
Chapter ten:
"Showdown at the House of Azure Flora"
Part Four
This is Tcutla. I'm still stuck in this restaurant. I killed the Krazy 88 and threw them into the koi ponds around the edge of the room, but Beloved Fool's not without her tricks. Now I'm stuck in this restaurant, surrounded by one-hundred and fifty arrogant male Mary Sues…
I'm not afraid of a bunch of God Stus. They've lived their angsty charmed existences unafraid of mortal danger. Look in their milky eyes, there is no fear. The Toms know no fear. Well they should. Because this night they've up against the She-Wolf, the Lioness… The Crazed Uma Thurman Look Alike…
Collectively, all of the Toms breathed in, then out.
All one hundred and forty eight Toms stood on one side of the dance floor (two had just died after launching a pre-emptive charge). Tcutla stands, alone but courageous, on the other side of the dance floor. It's a spaghetti western-style showdown…
"Now ready your weapons…"
All of the Toms held up their katana blades…
And then, Master Celestial Tom gave the order…
"Okay, now for real!"
-
"THE CRAZED UMA THURMAN LOOK ALIKE"
VS
"THE TOMS"
-
ALL of the Toms charge Tcutla AT THE SAME TIME.
Tcutla fought back, parried and dodged several sword attacks. One of the Toms swiped a sword at her head: she dodged it and swiped back, cutting open the belly of the Tom, who screamed in agony and then fell backwards. Then she rolled out of the way of the attacks of the other five Toms who had managed to get within attack range.
Tcutla tried to run around the mass of Toms chasing her. She stabbed one Tom in the chest – he stared at the gaping hole in his torso before collapsing onto the dance floor. She leapt onto the bar, and kicked a bottle of alcohol into the black-clad mass of Toms. The Toms swarmed around the bar, trying to hack away at Tcutla's legs. She jumped all of them, and easily decapitated five Toms with a few strokes of her Sue-killing ACROSS Blade. A Tom leapt onto the bar. Whilst evading and leaping between the sword swipes of the Toms around her, Tcutla cut off the arms, then head, then right leg of the Tom on the bar in three smooth, seamless movements. He squealed and leaked arterial all blood over his compatriots, then collapsed into a pile with his severed limbs. The action built up to a crescendo, then…
Everyone paused.
Suddenly everything had turned black and white. Tcutla cursed under her breath.
"Damn censors."
She leapt off of the bar, past all the Toms, and skidded to a halt on the dance floor. The Toms gave chase. Tcutla killed one berserker Tom, but started running. She ran up the stairs. Two Toms used their half-vampire athletic powers to leap onto the stairs. It was a vain attempt to block her path. The She-Wolf had anticipated them, and one Tom was cut in half before his feet even touched the stairs. Tcutla slashed at the other Tom, but he blocked it. The other Toms were closing in fast. Tcutla quickly feigned, then cut open the crafty Tom. The way was clear: she ran up the stairs onto the upper level, where the wooden walkways overlooked the main room.
I'm a bit tired of looking at black and white gore.
"Switch to the Japanese script!"
After much fiddling, the scene switches back into colour.
The enormous gang of Toms were massing around the stairs. There was so many of them: 136. On the upper floor the walkways were so narrow they'd have no choice but to fight Tcutla one on one though. Even on the staircase only six could engage Tcutla at a time, and she had a height advantage. With one stroke she killed two Toms easily. More Toms flooded in; Tcutla found herself parrying a more katana blades then she cared to count. With extreme concentration, she walked backwards along the walkway, fighting a Tom every step of the way.
She blocked an attack, then attacked back, all the while walking backwards. The Tom was fast though, and blocked her attack. She quickly hit again; this time the power of the ACROSS Blade cut straight through the katana and into the Tom. The next Tom rushed in, eager for combat. Tcutla gave him a sharp high kick to the face, then followed up with a punch that knocked him off the walkway. The Tom fell facedown into a decorative koi pond below, where small amounts of claret leaked into the water.
The next Tom was despatched easy enough with a stabbing motion to the forehead. Tcutla's yellow jumpsuit was red all over.
Just below is a table used by some of the customers…Tcutla side flipped over the banister and landed, perfectly balanced, onto one of the wooden tables below. It took a while for the Toms to turn their charge around run back into the main room down the stairs. The table that Tcutla was stood on was large, solid, wooden and round. The Toms charged in a large column formation. Tcutla cut down four of them; they then tried to surround her. Tcutla took the offensive: she ducked low and spun her blade around; cutting off the heads, slitting the throats or butchering the chests of every Tom in contact with the table. Eleven Toms fell to the ground. Each sported a grievous and fatal wound.
Now that there was a gap between Tcutla and the remaining Everyone paused and glanced at the dead and wounded in piles across the room. Tcutla somersaulted off the table and landed in the middle of the room. She bowed. Four of the Toms pulled out scorecards.
'10', '9', '10' and '7'. SEVEN? Oh, he is SO going to die next…The Toms ran in again. Tcutla hit the floor and started spinning around. With a complicated martial arts / break-dancing manoeuvre, she cut of the legs and lower torsos off of six Toms. The other Toms backed off from her somewhat. Tcutla roared and charged through the Toms towards the staircase. She impaled one and used him as her half-dead Mary Sue shield. She ran up the stairs, and threw the body back to the pursuing Toms. It blunted the Toms advance somewhat, but their sheer numbers meant such tactics were ultimately doomed to failure. Tcutla leapt onto the banister and let the Toms charge her.
Cling! Cling! The ACROSS Blade easily stopped their katana attacks.With perfect balance, Tcutla walked along the walkway banister. She walked backwards, like before. Like before she was also avoiding the attacks of a particularly bloodthirsty Tom. Cut! Slice! Parry! Slice! Three Toms fell down, dead.
Metal flashed whenever her blade met an enemies, but most of the time it simply cut through and killed her Mary Sue opponent. By the time Tcutla had walked halfway along the walkway, fifteen Toms had died, or else been incapacitated. Tcutla was now nearing the end of the walkway, and all of the Toms had made their way onto the top level with her. She could take the fight into one of the side rooms – not advised, she could leap back down onto one of the bar tables – already been done, or she could try something a little more daring…
All the Toms were filling the walkway. Tcutla ran along the banister, right across the line of Toms…
They tried to attack her, but she jumped and ran too fast. It took perfect balance. Tcutla felt she owed something to That Man and his training. Or maybe it was her years of experience? Along the way she randomly hit out at Toms. No fewer than nine Toms died; with horrifying gashes covering their once gorgeous faces. Tcutla jumped and landed behind the Tom at the end. She cut his surprised head off, then the one belonging to the Tom in front of him. The next Tom blocked her attack, then Tcutla's next attack. Even though Tcutla's lightning movements could barely be seen, he still blocked, and his katana did not break. Tcutla lashed at him with her blade, but they became locked. The Tom stared straight into Tcutla's blackened soul with strangely snake-like eyes…
"End of the line for yousssss…" he hissed.
His katana screeched as the ACROSS Blade dug into it. Knowing that time was of the essence, Tcutla just punched him in the face instead. The next Tom used a horizontal sword swipe, but his clumsy wide arc completely missed and gave Tcutla the chance to plunge her blade straight into his stomach. Tcutla made a break for it; she leapt back onto the banister and slid down the staircase, cutting the head off of an idle Tom on her way.
Eighty one left. My arm is beginning to hurt…The Toms charged Tcutla again. They ran down the stairs and flooded the downstairs area.
Do they ever learn?Tcutla chopped off the arm of one…
No. No they don't.
…and grabbed another by the neck. She used him as a shield to stop Toms attacking her back. Five Toms in front of her died from a single slick movement of hand and steel. Tcutla flipped over her captive Tom and engaged the Toms behind her. She blocked several attacks and retaliated, killing a Tom. Cling! Another blow blocked. She cut the head off another Tom…
Sure is fun cutting off heads…Tcutla flipped over the hostage Tom again and attacked. Three heads left their bodies. Before the Toms had time to react, Tcutla had flipped over to the other side again. The swords of the Toms stabbed Tcutla's captive instead, who shrieked in pain, quite loudly.
Tcutla dropped to the floor and cut the legs off of three Toms in front of her. She was showered in blood and entrails, but it took all the Toms by surprise and removed an immediate threat. Some Toms tried to attack, but they were blocked by her brilliant swordplay. The floor was so slick with blood, Tcutla found that she could twist around perfectly. She spun herself around, hacking at the Toms and cutting off the arm of one, until her feet touched a corpse (or a large piece of one at least). Tcutla blocked an attack, then pushed with all of her might against the corpse. She slid along the bloody floor, straight underneath the Toms. As she slid along, she held her sword up and slit one Tom from the groin to the stomach.
"Ohh… me General and Colonels!" shouted the Tom, before falling down dead.
Putting pressure on her back, Tcutla leapt to her feet.
Did you think the groin slitting was fun? I know I sure did!Tcutla liked her last attack so much that when the next Tom came within reach she used her blade to deliver a devastating bottom to top vertical blow. From the groin to the head, the Tom was cut in half. His pieces fell apart in different directions. His intestines, and even his heart, were in cut perfectly two.
The Toms charged. They were a neat semi-circle in Tcutla's arc of attack. She slit open nine Toms in one attack. Now quite weary of her, the rest of the Toms kept their distance.
Eyes were narrowed. Swords glinted. It was a stand-off again. Tcutla held her sword up so that it blocked out view of her face, then shook some of the blood and entrails off of her ACROSS Blade. She then twisted it, so that it's thin edge was facing the Toms. They saw her evil demonic smile. The She-Wolf grinned like a hyena.
Tcutla held out her sword at arms length, then assumed a different fighting pose in the style of traditional Japanese samurai. Her sword was just over her shoulders. She adjusted her style again, now her blade was pointing to her left, so that she would be able to better parry all blows to her chest and hips. Tcutla smiled. In a single instant, she moved her blade, and there was a cutting sound.
The ten Toms closest to her dropped dead. Bits slid off.
"That's what I like to call a quick attack," said Tcutla calmly.
Then five more Toms died. Their heads fell off their shoulders.
"Too slow," mocked Tcutla. "You're far too slow."
Tcutla noticed that the Toms nearly had her blocked in a corner. There was only a small chance to escape so…
Tcutla ran. She ran up the side of the wall and avoided crashing through one of the Toms. Tcutla leapt behind the bar.
"That was a pretty nasty trick, trying to corner me like that," she said.
"Yeah well," said one Tom. "We're bastards!"
Tcutla picked up a very weighty whiskey bottle and threw it at the Tom that spoke. It hit him smack in the forehead. The glass shattered and the Tom fell to the ground. Either unconscious or dead; he was definitely bleeding.
That was fun…Tcutla twisted her blade and used the flat of it to knock another bottle into the mass of the Toms. It hit one, and another Mary Sue hit the ground.
Tcutla remembered what That Man had said days before:
'You like Samurai swords, I like baseball.'
In quick succession, Tcutla hit several bottles (which had been handily laid out in a linear fashion by the barkeep) with the flat of her blade.
'Thank you, Master,' thought Tcutla.
'I'm just your memory, Tcutla. I'm not actually That Man. It's not like I can give you any extra information.'
Smash! Smash! Smash! Smash! Each of the heavy bottles hit a Tom in the face or other vital area, and shattered. The other Toms were all covered in alcohol, and stank of cheap booze.
It was right then that I had an idea. There was something weighing down my jumpsuit pocket. And I don't mean just the blood.
Tcutla reached into her right pocket and fumbled around. She pulled out something that she'd been keeping on her person for several years now. A golden cigarette lighter.
I never felt the urge to hang up the golden cigarette lighter / gun. That great assassin who'd once seen men tremble before him, died by my hands in a dishonourable way unbefitting of such a great killer. I've always kept his golden trinket with me. This is perhaps the closest I've ever came to feeling guilt. There's only one golden bullet left inside mind. But right now I'm just happy it's a fully functional lighter as well.
Tcutla smirked. The Toms knew what was coming. Their eyes widened like rabbits. Fear was quite a new emotion to them. Tcutla, the She-Wolf of the Jaded Falcon Kill Team, had introduced it to them. She callously flicked on and threw the lighter into the gaggle of Toms and then threw herself onto the ground…
'BOOOM!'
The shockwave and heat hit Tcutla even though she was crouched behind the bar. Several bodies were propelled right over the bar. Tcutla knew that she'd – properly literally – ripped the heart straight out of her foes. When she looked up, all of the Toms were on fire: every last one. Their screams of pain, agony and torment filled the room. It was horrible and blood-curdling. Tcutla loved every second of it.
As I threw the lighter at them, they had seemed like rabbits. Now, their powers all but vanished, running around on fire, they seem more like headless chickens.
AHH! ARGH! Several Toms collapsed, their strength gone, and died. Their burnt, charred flesh stank. Their bodies shrivelled and crumbled. But even in death they still spat out embers and flames, burning everything nearby. A clever Tom decided to charge straight towards Tcutla and the bar in a daring suicide attack.
Everything went into slow motion…Tcutla started to run. As the Tom leapt, she leapt. Tcutla leapt over the bar just as the Tom leapt straight into the bar and it's alcohol… and it exploded. Tcutla was knocked forwards, and crashed into a chair. She pulled herself up, her body aching. A flaming Tom rushed her; he had no weapon and Tcutla easily dispatched him. Two more Toms tried to leap at her, but Tcutla dodged to the side and cut them both in two whilst they tried to respond to what had just happened.
Several Toms were trying to bathe themselves into the blood-filled koi ponds around the edges of the room. It was simple matter for Tcutla to walk along, cutting off their heads. Soon, they were all dead.
"And since I am frequently mistaken for Uma Thurman, I shall now say one of her best lines," shouted Tcutla. She wanted every single person still able to hear to hear it. "To those of you lucky enough to still have your lives: take them with you. But leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me now."
That is a pretty cool line. I like it. How come I never thought up a line as cool and sadistic as that? All of this was done to the background of groans and moans of the wounded Toms. I wondered how they'd take this defeat.
Tcutla found Master Celestial Tom lying in the floor, his skin blistered and burnt black. He started to laugh.
"You think you've beaten me?" said Master Celestial Tom.
"You know what?" said Tcutla. "I do. You can barely move."
"You bitch!" yelled Master Celestial Tom. "I call upon my… SUPER VAMPIRE MAGICAL MIND BLAST!"
"Your what?"
A huge blast of energy knocked Tcutla off her feet. She stood herself back up, although she was disorientated.
"That Super Vampire Magical Mind Blast should've killed you! How can you survive my FEARSOME onslaught!"
"It must be this blade," said Tcutla.
Even the tiny Marty Stu brain of Master Celestial Tom had now learnt to respect Tcutla (even though she was female and theoretically inferior). He finally took notice of her and looked at the ACROSS Blade in detail. His eyes widened in terror and shock as it dawned on him what Tcutla was using.
"It isn't…"
"It is! This is the ACROSS Blade!"
"YOU LIE!"
"All your magic has been rendered useless."
Master Celestial Tom tried to stand, but couldn't.
"Then… I shall do this!"
He summoned up his remaining strength.
"SUPER VAMPIRE TELEKINESIS!"
As one, eight swords from fallen Toms rose up from the ground and floated around the fallen Master Celestial Tom, who started to laugh again.
"Foul demon bitch!" yelled Master Celestial Tom.
The swords all lunged at Tcutla. 'Master Celestial Tom is using his Super Vampire Spirit Magic to control the swords!' she thought. Tcutla slashed at the swords. She cut one in half, then ducked another. She flipped sideways and dodged one, but this was crazy. Swords flew all around her, and she had to stay alert to leap and twist and avoid being skewed. Tcutla cut at the swords; each time she hacked one in half and disabled one. Eventually, the last sword was dealt with.
Master Celestial Tom groaned.
"We're not done here! SUPER VAMPIRE FIRE MISSILE PUNCH!"
A huge flaming fist appeared about Master Celestial Tom. It hovered there still for a second, then drew back…
It then flew straight towards Tcutla, who leapt out of the way just in time. The fiery fist exploded behind her.
"Grrrhh!" grunted Master Celestial Tom. "SUPER VAMPIRE FIRE BARRAGE!"
Several balls of flame formed around Master Celestial Tom. They grew and charged up their strength, then made a crack! noise and propelled themselves at Tcutla. She hit it with her ACROSS Blade, which absorbed the energy. The next ball was actually deflected, and careered straight into a koi pond. The next three balls were absorbed, then the final one was deflected into the upstairs area. Tcutla walked over to Master Celestial Tom.
"You don't understand! You.. you can't stop us!" he stammered. Master Celestial Tom, the leader of The Toms, was actually dying. It had really taken him by surprise. The psychotic Uma Thurman look alike really must have been using the ACROSS Blade. "We will return. Death can't stop us! Death is only the beginning!"
"You know," she said. "Your life hasn't really been so bad. Look at all the power and opportunities you've had, you narcissistic little turd."
She gave him a fake smile.
"You complain to all your friends that you have no friends. It's no wonder. Nobody likes you, we're all just being polite," said Tcutla. For a sadistic, heartless (and probably soulless) killer, she was at least honest. "Now I'm going to send you to Hell, where you can go and bug the Devil for the rest of eternity."
She plunged her blade straight into Master Celestial Toms neck. The Marty Stu made no noise. He simply sank into death and gave no sign of love or hate. The Toms who had saved the Universe more times than anyone knew, and who had ruined just as many good fanfics, were dead. Master Celestial Tom had no emotion in his eyes; it was impossible to tell whether he had welcomed or resisted death, but he was dead. They were all dead.
Tcutla found the golden cigarette lighter amongst the charred corpses. She noticed a full cocktail on a table near the bar. She felt a bit thirsty… but her train of thought was destroyed when she heard somebody enter the lobby, just away from the main room…
"Hello?" yelled Order Tom. "Sorry I'm late! I had a lot of trouble with my car."
He opened the door to the main room.
"So, what'd I miss?"
And then he saw the massacre. The pools of blood, the embers, the charred remains of his brothers, the broken snapped bodies, severed limbs, gory streaks of entrails, and of course, the scared crying girl in the corner, who was still bleeding from where her arm had been cut off. The place stank of death. It was a slaughterhouse; a hellish place of torn human flesh and boiled human blood. Order Tom had to avoid slipping on any of the blood. One corpse caught his eye; it was the staring, blank eyed remains of Bio Tom.
"Oh," he said. "Dear…"
Behind him, in the shadows, Tcutla emerged. She snuck up behind him and elegantly sliced his head off. The body of Order Tom crumpled onto the floor; the head rolled towards the centre of the room. Tcutla was beginning to get a penchant for execution-style head removing. It was fun.
Now that every alternate Tom had been silenced, Tcutla caught her breath against one of the heavy wooden support pillars that bared the pressure of the floor above. It was about then that she noticed the cocktail.
Tcutla took the cocktail and relaxed at the shattered remains of the bar. To her right was Sofie, lying against a pillar and whimpering.
"Look at these guys and just be glad I only cut off your arm," Tcutla took a sip of the cocktail. "Bitch."
She found the cocktail very good and refreshing. When it was finished, she approached the stairs. Up on the floor above, past the dining room, was Beloved Fool.
