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Philip Williams writes:

KILL PHIL
A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.

Chapter eleven:
"Showdown at the House of Azure Flora"

Rubus

One hundred and fifty dead Mary Sues. My arm hurts. I don't want to think about how much more it'd aching if I hadn't used my golden cigarette lighter to torch the last thirty. What a great way to finish the massacre.

Now I stand, amidst the corpses of my enemies, their blood baked and their flesh burnt black. I'm at the foot of the stairs, below where Beloved Fool and her bodyguards wait for me.

Tcutla took her first step towards Beloved Fools little hiding place. As she moved onto the staircase, a large bulky figure opened, walked through and closed the doors. The huge armoured figure walked over to the top of the stairs. In one hand he had an enormous morning star, which he rested on his shoulders.

Tcutla and Rubus stared at each other for a moment. Tcutla's crazy blue eyes, the red slits of Rubus' helmet.

When you think about it, how can he endure to wear full plate, and carry such a huge weapon? But such questions were not to asked or answered. In a few moments Rubus is about to go wild…

Rubus breathed in and out hard, psyching himself up for the battle. He reared up his head and let out a deafening war cry…

'YYYAAAAAARRRGGGHHH…'

Yyyaaaaaarrrggghhh yourself. Rubus only seemed to get louder and louder. By this point I was clutching my ears in pain, he was that loud. I think I bit my tongue. Or maybe I'd just been hurt earlier. I don't know. I remember spitting out a big goblet of blood. Then I took several steps back. Rubus motioned to jump, so I ran…

Rubus charged and leapt past the stairs. With a massive crash he landed on the first floor, right where Tcutla had been standing. She'd managed to leap out of the way just in the nick of time. Tcutla rushed to the other end of the room, on the edge of the dance floor opposite the massive knight.

"Foolish women! I will devour your SOUL!" shouted Rubus. He pulled out his morning star, and began swinging it about like a madman.

Show off.

"YOUR BLADE WILL NOT PIERCE CHAOS ARMOUR!" he yelled. He twirled his morning star some more.

Tcutla fumbled around and held up the golden cigarette lighter. She flicked it on, turned it off, then started tapping at it…

"BRING IT ON!" said Rubus. "I am a servant of DISCORD! My unstoppable charge will decimate you"

Geez I wish he'd stop boasting and attack me. He's kind of annoying.

At last Tcutla remembered how to change the golden cigarette lighter into the Golden Gun. Rubus' morning star was once again an untraceable blur of movement.

He charged.

Tcutla shot him.

It was fun to watch him fall. He started with a proud and powerful charge, a frightening sight even for me, but after that golden bullet ripped through his armour and pierced his chest, he fell flat on his face. Comical.

Rubus fell and lay flat on the ground. With his heart slowing and his strength fading, he became unable to move under the weight of his armour.

"Aw, what's the matter?" sneered Tcutla, stood over the dying warrior. "Isn't your Lord Phil going to save you? Do you simply not like the taste of the last of Mr Scared-De-Mango's golden bullets?"

Underneath the bulk, the man inside the shell of Rubus responded.

"To save the world from devastation… I regret nothing… yellow headed bitch."

There was an unknown quality in those words, I will not forget them. I clicked the Golden Gun back intoa lighter, then placed itin my pocket.

"Yeah Rubus, I'm a bitch," said Tcutla. "I'm a bitch and I'm absolutely loving it."

And so the Rubus-Tcutla fight reached it's anti-climatic ending. Tcutla pulled out the Across Blade and stabbed straight through Rubus' helmet. The warrior's body shook and convulsed for a few moments, and then, it was still. A blood puddle extended in all directions.

Mostly certainly, Rubus has just been well and truly beaten.

Beaten by Tcutla.
Beaten by a roaring Lioness.
And bitten by the She-Wolf.