Warnings: guilt trip, shounen ai (343, 21)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, but I do own this plot. Someday I'd like to own a plot of land on the moon.

thoughts

The mist began to rise as soon as the mountains' bulk prevented the sun's rays from touching the river's surface. Glowing golden where the sun managed to find it, it grew until it filled the whole valley, rising halfway up the outer wall of the valley's chateau to the last of the daylight. And the light was crimson.

Heero mentally flinched as soon as he stepped out onto the wide communal balcony that overlooked the valley, but his face remained in its impassive mask, betraying none of his errant emotions. The last crimson rays of sunlight shining through the mist inevitably reminded him of a sea of fire, or blood. It made him remember why he avoided being outside at sunset - too many memories of the war, and the price of peace. There was no avoiding it tonight, however, as Quatre had decided that the five of them - he, Duo, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei - should have dinner together, outside, watching the sunset.
Sometimes Quatre should leave well enough alone, he thought as his eyes settled on the others waiting for him by the stone balustrade. Wufei, seemingly oblivious to both Duo's chatter and the valley at his back, saw him approaching and nodded an acknowledgement. Immediately Duo spun around and grinned at him, calling a welcome as he bounced over to drag Heero back to the group.
"Hey Hee-chan! Almost thought you weren't gonna show. You're just in time for the sunset though!"
Lucky me, Heero thought as he positioned himself next to Wufei so he could ignore the seething mass of crimson that was the valley. Just in time to see the blood flow again. But he only grunted, bowing in deference to Quatre and nodding a greeting to Trowa, both of whom returned the silent greeting. Looked like Quatre had been picking up some of his silent lover's mannerisms; too bad Duo hadn't absorbed his partner's shortness of words - the braided baka was still chattering in the background, although no one seemed to be paying him any attention.
A glint caught Heero's eye, and he turned slightly to see what it was. A fountain stood in one corner of the balcony, and the water spilling from the mouth of the statue of a child was catching the crimson light. He shuddered visibly as he turned quickly away, focussing his attention back on the group as he remember the little girl with the puppy who had died because of his mission. The innocent who never grew up and loved because of his careless mistake in allowing a mobile suit to crash into a civilian apartment block...
Heero opened the eyes he hadn't realised he'd closed and met a pair of worried aquamarine orbs that flinched as soon as they locked onto his cobalt ones. Heero dropped his eyes and brought himself back under control before meeting Trowa's angry green eyes.
"Sorry Quatre," he whispered, hoping Duo and Wufei hadn't noticed the exchange, bent as they were on one of their usual arguments. "I didn't mean for you to feel that."
"I know," Quatre replied. "We'll talk later," he added with a hint of steel in his voice, and Heero inwardly winced, still avoiding Quatre's eyes. He knew Quatre would corner him if he didn't agree, so he nodded shortly.
"After dinner," he murmured. "The library."
The sun finished setting, the crimson light finally the mist and the fountain and Heero breathed an inward sigh of relief. The lamps at one end of the balcony were lit, highlighting the small round table set with five places. Quatre announced that dinner was about to be served and Heero, glad to escape Quatre's scrutiny, started walking towards the table. The others, following, didn't see Duo's eyes sharpen their focus, amethyst boring into Heero's back as if trying to convinve it to give up its secrets. But his back remained silent and stony, revealing nothing, just like him.

Dinner passed by in a cacophony of food and chatter, the effort to try and interact with the rest of the pilots wearing Heero out to the point where he simply stopped listening, instead staring at the water in his cup. He wondered how much blood it would take to turn the water red. He wondered how much water it would take to wash his hands clean of the blood of innocents. Probably more than existed. He sighed, watching the light play through the crystal glass, unaware that two pairs of eyes were watching him worriedly.
The last course was served and Heero suppressed a sigh of relief that the tortuous event would soon be over. The five Gundam pilots had been close during the war, but now that it was over he struggled to find some way to relate to them, to interact. Some way to be human, if only he could remember what that way.The meal finished and Heero started to get up to go back to his room. The others stood too, and as Heero bowed them goodnight, Quatre caught his eyes and mouthed 'Library'. Heero nodded and left, walking slowly in the direction of the library as though treading on eggshells or broken glass, passed by Wufei striding swiftly towards his room. Duo and Quatre watched Heero's painfully slow journey until he was out of sight, then Duo turned to Quatre, eyes narrowed.
"What did you feel?" Duo snapped, amethyst eyes blazing defiance. Quatre looked at him with tears welling up in his aquamarine orbs and Duo softened.
"Please Quatre," he whispered, eyes sad. "What is hurting him so bad?"
"Himself," Quatre squeezed out, fighting back the tears. "He hates himself."
Duo rocked back on his heels, his eyes widening."No," he burst out, the denial torn from his throat. He swallowed, then continued, "why?"
"I don't know," Quatre replied, voice unsteady. "He's been avoiding me since the war ended, I only met his eyes for a moment, he's so damned good at hiding his emotions..."
The excuses tumbled from the tiny blonde's lips, falling into silence as the green-eyed Trowa hugged him from behind, silently giving comfort and support. In the two weeks since the end of the war, the two pilots had grown extremely close and were now acknowledged lovers, never far from each other.
Duo was a very physical person, and secretly envied them their freedom to touch one another. It had taken him a long time to break through Heero's aversion to physical proximity enough to accept the occasional touch, let alone the casual intimacy pilots 03 and 04 shared.
Duo sighed and stepped away, defeated. Quatre glanced up and amethyst caught aquamarine, caught and held.
"Talk to him, Quatre," Duo murmured softly, brokenly. "Talk to him and make him sane. Make him see how much we miss him, how much we need him. How much it hurts me to see him like this."
If Quatre noticed the slip, he gave no sign, and Duo walked slowly away. When he reached the doorway he shook his head, then sped up as he headed in the direction of his room. Quatre watched him go, still wrapped in Trowa's arms.
"Do you think he knows yet?" Trowa whispered into Quatre's ear.
"He's beginning to," Quatre replied quietly. "But unless or until Heero makes a move, he'll keep it to himself. He values the friendship too much."
"That's a good thing, surely," Trowa stated, pulling back enough to let Quatre turn around comfortably in his arms.
"I'm not so sure," Quatre murmured absently. He seemed to pull himself together abruptly. "I can't be sure until I talk to Heero...if he'll talk to me, and answer honestly."
"Come on, little one," Trowa smiled, a rare expression on the usually impassive face. "Let's go face the Perfect Soldier."
"Aiwa(1)," Quatre stated resolutely, and led the way into the chateau, striding towards the library and its shattered occupant.

(1) Aiwa means yes (vocalisation of Egyptian Arabic)

TBC