Author's Notes (2-28-05): Okie Dokie. Here's the next part and I think there's enough humor to go around. Only a few chapters left to go! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! 300! w00t!
Disclaimer: If I told you I owned RK and FB, would you believe me? 8D
Juunishi Part 14
Souma Hanzo was just in the middle of his really intimidating monologue.
"Your husband and all his friends are already dead. No one is coming to save you. You're mine and pretty soon you're going to like it that way."
Kaoru could feel the bright light of hope being snuffed out but she couldn't allow herself to truly consider the possibility that her husband was dead.
Hanzo had just started to laugh in a slightly maniacal way when a female ninja appeared out of nowhere and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Um, Lord Hanzo?"
He stopped laughing and shot an inquisitive glare at the ninja. "What are you doing in here? Can't you see I'm gloating over our amazing victory?"
"Uh, well yes, I can see that. But see, the thing is…" She seemed hesitant.
Hanzo hated being interrupted during a gloating session. "Spit it out already."
"Well, it's not something that I think you want your prisoner to hear." The ninja woman nodded in Kaoru's direction.
Hanzo sighed and relinquished his hold on Kaoru's wrists. He hopped off the bed and allowed the ninja to whisper in his ear.
"WHAT?"
Kaoru was delighted by the look of sheer disbelieving disappointment on Hanzo's face. She had a pretty good idea what had happened.
"But you guys promised success!" Hanzo whined. His sophisticated demeanor had disappeared like Megumi's ohagi. "Go prepare our defenses!" He ordered to the ninja woman. She disappeared without a trace, leaving Kaoru to wonder exactly how she'd exited the locked room. Ninjas could be truly mysterious.
Kaoru smiled smugly. "So I'm guessing you guys are about to have some uninvited guests, huh? I hope my husband isn't too rough on you." She paused for dramatic effect. "Oh wait, no I don't."
Hanzo turned to her and glared silently, jaw and fists clenched in anger. He paced the length of the room twice, contemplating his options. Kaoru sat on the bed and watched in cool amusement. She didn't need to bother attacking him again. Kenshin would be there to rescue her in no time. He was usually pretty punctual about that sort of thing.
Her captor stopped pacing and turned back to her with a big scary grin plastered on his face. "Oh yes. That'll work. That'll work perfectly."
"You know," Saitoh commented as they followed their guide through the Souma clan's twisting maze. They'd been wandering around for what felt like hours. "I don't remember taking this route the first time we came here."
Kyoshiro led them into a room with about eight different exits and came to a stop. "I was wondering when you'd notice. Took you longer than I would have expected."
Saitoh and Chou drew their katanas, setting the other 10 warriors on edge.
Saitoh advanced threateningly toward the captive ninja. "You think you can get away with tricking ME?"
Kyoshiro smiled. "I think I already did." The ropes wrapped around his arms and torso dropped to the ground. "Welcome to the Souma Clan's Endless Labyrinth of Doom!" He dropped a flash bomb and by the time the 12 men could see again, he'd vanished.
"Crap." Saitoh said and sheathed his weapon. The others stood there in silence, appraising the situation and location.
"I could have told you this was going to happen." Hiko sat down cross-legged in the middle of the room. "But nobody ever listens to what I have to say."
Saitoh pulled out a cigarette. "Well, if you've got any brilliant ideas on how to get out of here, I'd love to hear them."
"No way." Hiko replied dismissively. "I'm not helping you guys just because you asked. It's way too late to appease me."
"Master..." Kenshin went to Hiko's side. "I think we're all in this together and that's the only way we're going to get out. Together." He looked around the room. "And besides, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in here?"
"Hmm." Hiko rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Good point." He got to his feet. "Alright, here's what we do. We send my stupid pupil and Mr. Speedy down each of these passageways with their god-like speed. The rest of us wait here for them to come back and tell us where the exit is."
"I like that plan." Sano said as he grinned at his crestfallen friend. Kenshin shook his head and sighed.
Saitoh and Chou were busy completely ignoring the others while they rifled through a stack of papers that Chou had procured from somewhere or other.
"What do you have there?" Katsu inquired as he came over to the police officers.
"Maps." Chou said proudly as he spread them out on the floor and handed a few to Katsu. "With these we should be able ta get outta here, no problem."
The warriors gathered around in jubilation but it became readily apparent that there was indeed going to be a problem.
"So where the hell are we?" Sano scratched the back of his neck in confusion as he puzzled over a few the pages.
Nobody had an answer for him. Saitoh growled and took a better look at their surroundings and then stared at one of the sheets. "It should be easy. We just need to find a perfectly square room with two exits spaced equally on each wall."
After a few minutes, Soujirou placed his page on the ground in front of them all. "Look what I found!" He pointed at a tiny room smack dab in the middle of the labyrinth. Upon closer inspection (and a lot of squinting) the men decided that Mr. Speedy was right.
"The Room of Confusion." Saitoh read the name of their current location. He scowled.
"Well, now we know where we are." Sano said, feeling only a hint of relief. "But where the hell are we supposed to go?"
"That's easy." Saitoh said confidently. "You're all lucky that I do my homework." Everone placed their pages on the ground, completing the maze. Saitoh quickly traced a line through the labyrinth. "This is the only safe exit. We just need to keep heading north to find it."
"Great!" Yahiko said. "But which way's north?"
That question stumped everyone. There was no way to tell by exploring their immediate surroundings either. The Souma clan had designed a very clever pattern that kept each of the eight different paths almost completely identical.
"We could use the maps but it would take forever to figure out." Saitoh admitted to them. "Are you telling me that not even one of you fools thought to bring along a compass?"
Chou huffed. "Watch yer accusations, boss. It ain't like you got one either."
Everyone stood there dumbly for a few minutes while Saitoh worked his jaw in frustration.
"Maybe we can make one?" Katsu suggested. It seemed highly unlikely and it was a testament to the hopeless of the situation when Saitoh started rummaging through his clothes.
"Turn out your pockets." Saitoh ordered when everyone just stood there watching him. "With the proper scraps I may be able to cleverly piece something together."
Each man made his offerings and the small pile grew.
Kenshin put his empty wallet, a handful of lint, and a bar of laundry soap on the ground.
Sano laughed. "Why the hell are you carrying around a bar of soap? Planning on doing some emergency laundry or something?"
Kenshin's shoulders slumped. "Oro."
Yahiko's offering wasn't much better.
"Ok, now we're saved." Sano continued mockingly. "With this comic book we should be able to unlock the secrets of this maze." He dropped the samurai picture book that he'd stolen from the young warrior. "Aren't you a little old to be reading kids' stories?"
"It's got all sorts of interesting moves and stuff..." Yahiko tried to argue in his defense.
"You learn moves from comics?" Sano teased. "That explains a lot."
Yahiko growled and pulled out his sword threateningly. "Yeah? Want me to show you a few right now?"
But Sano had already moved on in his inspection of the contents of the warriors' pockets. He held up two pairs of women's underwear. It was fashionable western-style lingerie. He raised an eyebrow and shot a comical questioning look at the 13th master of Hiten Mitsurugi.
Hiko shrugged. "They were gifts."
"Suuuure." Sano snickered and hunched down to go through some more items, looking for something really embarrassing. "Oh hey look everyone, all Saitoh has in his pockets are cigarettes and matches. Big surprise there, eh?"
He moved one packet and discovered a small faded picture. Saitoh tried to tackle him when he held it up for closer inspection, but Sano managed to dodge. It was a young Tokio, wearing a kimono and posing with a painted fan. She had a small playful smile on her face.
There was something written on the back.
Sano flipped it over and read the message aloud in his best falsetto while Saitoh went crazy trying to take it away from him. "To my dearest Hajime," he sugarcoated the words and danced out of the way as Saitoh pounced. "You are the sweetest, most gentle man I have ever met." Sano cracked up and almost fell victim to a well-placed gattotsu attack. He continued, undisturbed, as Saitoh tried to pull his sword out of the wall. "I have loved you since the first time that I saw you and I will always treasure the memories of our time together. May the love we share, bind us eternally. Yours forever, Tokio."
Sano clasped his hands together and batted his eyelashes. "Oh Hajime!"
"DIE." Saitoh removed his sword and lunged at the ex-gangster. Sano barely avoided being skewered.
"Whoa there. Down boy!" He laughed.
Saitoh slid into his gattotsu stance for the third time. While it was quite remarkable that Sanosuke had managed to avoid the Wolf of Mibu's attacks, Kenshin felt approaching calamity. Even though his friend was being really annoying, he couldn't justify standing by and watching Saitoh kill him.
"Out of the way Battousai!" Saitoh spat. "I've let this moron live long enough. I'm going to put him out of my misery."
Kenshin stood between the Shinsengumi and his prey. "Saitoh... please calm down."
Sano came up behind Kenshin and stood there confidently, using his friend as a human shield. "Bad dog!" He scolded. "No biscuit!"
"Move." Saitoh ordered.
"You know I won't." Kenshin replied, his eyes all narrowed and serious looking. He softened up a bit and shrugged. "Besides, I thought the message from Tokio was rather nice, that I did."
Somewhere on the other side of the world the last straw broke the camel's back. Or maybe it was a feather?
When the dust cleared, Saitoh pulled himself back through a brand new hole in the wall. There were now nine exits from the room.
"Why'd you hit ME?" He inquired angrily. "He's the annoying one!"
Kenshin sheathed his sakabatou. "That's true, but at least he's not trying to kill one of my friends."
Sano stuck his hands in his pockets and grinned, completely oblivious to Kenshin's indirect insult. "Boy. Kenshin sure showed you, Saitoh."
Since it was obvious that he wouldn't be allowed to kill the ex-gangster, Saitoh decided to switch tactics. "Alright moron. You're the only one who hasn't emptied out his pockets. Let's see what you're carrying around."
"Hmph. Fine." Sano said. "It's not like I've got anything to hide."
The other warriors gathered around to watch him reveal the contents of his pockets. Even Kenshin silently hoped that he had something embarrassing to show. It would make him feel better about being caught carrying around soap.
The first item to be revealed was a very old, moldy fishbone.
"Hey, I was wondering where I put this!" Sano said as he happily stuck the thing in his mouth.
"Oro..."
"Alright, what else?" Saitoh pressed.
"I dunno, geeze, don't rush me." Sano grabbed a few cylindrical items from his pockets and tossed them toward the pile. "Here."
Katsu dove and caught all three of them before they could hit the ground. Chou and Yutarou clapped unenthusiastically.
"Nice catch." Yahiko congratulated. "But, um. I don't get it."
Katsu stood slowly and held the items out for everyone to see. He seemed to be shaking, either from anger or fear, possibly a little of both.
"These... are... not... TOYS." He rounded on the ex-gangster. "I didn't give you explosives so you could get us all killed!"
Saitoh turned to Kenshin. "Can I kill him now?"
Kenshin only shook his head as he watched Sano remove the next item from his pockets.
The men gathered around as he dangled a thin strip of metal from a string. Sano stared at it blankly for a moment, trying to remember what it was and how it had gotten in his pocket.
"Is that... what I think it is?" Kenshin voiced what they were all thinking.
"I'm gonna kill him." Saitoh said with finality as he drew his sword. "He's too stupid to live. Don't try and stop me, Battousai."
Kenshin stepped out of the way and gave a little "be my guest" wave of his hands.
Sano had just enough common sense to be worried. "Wait! Wait! I'm sorry, ok? I forgot I had this."
"How do you forget that yer carrying around a compass when you've got yer hands in yer damn pockets all the frickin' time?" Chou demanded.
"I just don't think about it. I said I'm sorry already." He turned to Saitoh, hoping to placate the professional assassin. "Everything's cool, really. Look, I even know how to use it!" He plopped down on the ground and held the string as steadily as he could, considering the perilous situation he was in. Everyone watched as the magnet rotated around and finally came to a stop. "See? Uh, that way's north!" He pointed back behind him, in the direction that the compass indicated. "I think."
"Give me that." Saitoh took the compass and held it aloft. There was no way he was going to take Sano's word for it. The compass came to a stop, indicating roughly the same direction, but Saitoh wasn't convinced. There was something suspicious about it. Number one on the list being that it belonged to a certain moronic freeloading ex-gangster.
Saitoh walked off to the side and held the magnet, watching it twirl. The warriors paled as the compass once again came to a stop. This time, it was almost 90 degrees off. Either north was moving, or the compass was as useless as its owner.
Saitoh tried again, hoping that it would right itself magically. He stepped around behind Sano, who was still sitting on the floor. This time the compass was a full 180 degrees off from its first prediction.
"I don't believe this." Enishi folded his arms in irritation. "When we start starving to death down here, I say we cannibalize the rooster first."
Chou agreed. "I'm betting he even tastes like chicken."
The men started discussing their options, which were basically nonexistent, as Saitoh continued to play with the compass in morbid fascination. Sano merely sat on the ground forlornly, watching Saitoh circle him like a vulture.
"What... the hell...?" Saitoh said as he made another slow circling pass around the street fighter. Wherever he went, the north end of the magnet remained faithfully pointing at Sano. "Very curious." He lowered the useless item. "Do you use this compass often?" He asked.
"Um, yeah." Sano admitted, somewhat pitifully. "I kind of, um... get lost all the time."
Saitoh almost felt sorry for him. It was truly a wonder that he had survived a five year world tour on his own. "And you've never realized that it's broken?"
"Sometimes it's right." Sano argued feebly.
"No." Saitoh corrected him. "Sometimes you're just sitting due north."
"Well, when it's broken, I use my spare." Sano mumbled.
Saitoh paused. "Your spare?"
"Yeah." Sano dug into his pocket and removed a second, identical compass. "I carry around two of them, just in case one of them stops working."
It was hard to say who struck first, but a few moments later Sano was unconscious, sprawled out on the floor. His magnets were stuck together happily, like lovers who had been reunited after one of them had been kidnapped by a crazy group of ninjas.
Kenshin sheathed his sakabatou with a click and booted the magnets jealously. "Now what do we do?"
"We split up." Saitoh said, flicking his sword before he sheathed it. "There's 8 doors and 11 of us, so a few of us will have to pair up. Our main objective is to find the kidnapped women."
"Earlier you said that there was only one safe exit from this labyrinth." Aoshi reminded him. "But does that mean that there are other exits?"
"Yes." Saitoh said as he grabbed a random map sheet from the floor. "But as you can see we probably want to avoid them."
"The Room of Fire. The Room of Ice." Aoshi read the names of a few of the dangerous sounding exits in his perfect monotone. "The Room of Eternal Torment. The Room of Sharp Pointy Things. The Room of Infinite Paper Cuts and Lemon Juice."
Katsu flinched. "Ok. We get the point."
Aoshi paused and the tiniest hint of a smile crossed his face. "I made up that last one. Could you tell?"
"If you're trying to be funny you can stop. It's just plain scary." Yahiko shuddered.
"Somebody find the Room of Eternal Torment and drop off our garbage." Saitoh said as he nudged the unconscious free-loader with his foot.
"I'll take him." Anji stooped and picked up Sano's dead weight easily. "The room sounds quite interesting."
"That leaves seven more doors." Saitoh said, holding up his finger count so even the stupid warriors could do the math.
"I'll take one alone." Hiko stated. "I don't need anybody following me around as I expertly escape this pathetic little maze."
"Six."
"I'll take one." Kenshin said. "I'm going to try and find Kaoru as quickly as I can, though, of course, I will rescue every other woman that I find along the way."
"Five." Saitoh counted down. It was kind of ominous. "I'll be taking one alone so lets lower that to four."
"I won't be needing any help in my search for Misao." Aoshi stated firmly. "I'll be going alone, as well."
"I'm going with Aoshi." Soujirou happily piped up before Saitoh could do his spooky countdown thing.
"I can't go alone if you come with me." Aoshi turned, shooting a glare at the cheerful man. "Besides, you'd slow me down."
Soujirou smiled innocently. "Have you possibly forgotten who you're talking to?"
Aoshi gritted his teeth. "Well, I don't want you to come along. You go a different way."
If Soujirou had been in bunny form his little perky bunny ears would have drooped sadly.
"Two more rooms." Saitoh intoned. "Five more people."
The remaining warriors glanced at each other and made up their minds about who they'd pair up with.
"Me and Katsu'll take a door." Chou spoke up quickly. Nobody particularly wanted to be stuck with Enishi.
Yahiko looked from his rival to the psychopath. He sighed. "I guess Yutarou and I can take the last door."
"Well, that leaves Enishi." Saitoh pointed out. "Who's going to let him go with them?"
All the solo warriors became instantly fascinated with their fingernails or a spot of dirt on their clothes.
Enishi stepped forward and pointed at Kenshin. "I'm going with him."
Kenshin deflated, but could see no reason to argue. Nobody would back him up anyway.
"Ok." Saitoh lowered his hands. "This is where we split up."
Being separated in enemy territory was never a good thing. The warriors stood there, glancing silently at each other for a moment. It was quite possible that they would never see each other again.
Kenshin came up to Saitoh's side as the others milled about, unwilling to head off into the spooky labyrinth. "Maybe you should say something. You know. Something encouraging."
"Why?" Saitoh asked.
"Well, you're the leader." Kenshin said with an innocent rurouni smile.
Saitoh cleared his throat, drawing everyone's attention back to him. "It's been almost nice knowing some of you." He paused while the others raised eyebrows. "So try not to get dead."
Author's Notes 2: Review Comments
Night-Owl123: I updated! Yay!
lolo popoki: Hey, got another chapter coming up for me? It's fun to write, but it's just about as fun to read! Glad you're enjoying this goofy fic. 8D
princess-oro: Heh. More handsome than Aoshi? I know, it's hard to imagine. It's probably Hanzo's friendly demeanor that makes him more attractive. Hehehehe. The fighting is coming up!
Mimi-san: Thanks for loyally sticking with this, even when I'd been gone for over 2 years. It's for people like you that I keep writing!
ShadowDestiny: I'll definitely be finishing this fic. That's a promise from me to you! (and everyone else, naturally). The story is almost finished and I hope that there will be enough humor, romance, and plot twists to keep people happy.
Vesca: Heh. Glad you've enjoyed everything so far. The postive response from readers is what's made me continue writing this fic. Thanks!
Hikaru Itsuko: I hope that this story lives up to your expectations. I'll give it my best!
Sky Fairy 77: I love how you say that every one of my chapters is better than the last. 8D I don't believe you, but I appreciate it. Hehehehe.
I'd like to make a special thanks to No one for the compliment to my writing abilities. No one thinks I write well... so it must be true. 8D And I'm really glad that No one is reading my fic. Thanks!
GreenEyedFloozy: I try to update as fast as I can. Mostly just to please YOU. A thousand reviews, eh? I'm thrilled to have 300!
Kaoru4: Yes indeedy. Kaoru will be fought over. Along with all the other women. But who cares about them, right? 8D
M.Kasshoku: I know, it's kind of hard to imagine the Souma clan wanting to murder people. But, then again, the whole family is dark and suspicious. Imagine them in the early Meiji Era. Now, of course, I've given them an excellent reason to want the men dead, so no worries there. Hope you're enjoying this!
Queeney: Just for the record, I can't be sued if you hurt yourself by falling out of a chair while laughing at my fic.Try suing the chair company instead. Faulty chair design can be dangerous! 8D Thanks for the review!
MZ.AMbEREYES: Ok. More jealousy. Check. Anything else? Maybe some fries or a side of bacon:P Just out of curiosity, who do you most want to be jealous at who?
ChunkyMonkey241: Hehe, thanks for the 3 year congrats. I realize that people can appreciate drama and action, but I know it's the humor that's got people hooked to this fic. The average reader wants romance and comedy. And me? I love writing action and drama... Heh. Though after writing Juunishi I think it'll be hard to go back to writing something without all my little "comic jabs". Thanks for reading!
daffybear: Hope you did (or do) a great job on your exams! Glad I could help relieve some of that stress. Though I'm not sure if "laughing your heart out" is reallythat stress relieving. I laughed my heart rightout of my body once, and it hurt like hell. 8D Enjoy!
Thank youto my favorite Anonymous reader/reviewer!
JML: Heh, you weren't the first to review last time. I was surprised. Thanks for the note about "the" but I know the argument and generally don't care. 8D Battousai can be translated as - Talented Sword Drawer. Battou, of course, being the art of drawing your sword from the sheath for one very fast attack. Sai being talent. Battousai is both a nickname and a title. And I use it as such. Though I do generally just say Battousai. You and Miyu have an excellent argument. 8D
Hidari: Wouldn't it be hilarious if none of them end up with their women? Mwahahahahaha.
Slow Motion: Yay! Another fan of the ninja battle! And you like my choices for the animal counterparts! Yay yay! I'm glad you reviewed (twice even)!
Ali->Adi: Hiya! A perfect blend, you say? Thank you thank you! I love bothshows so it seemed like a shame not to throw them together. 8D
