Analogies...

"But now she only wants Garet: to her, I'm just the sidekick who follows. No matter how hard I try to be happy for them, it still hurts. Seeing them kiss hurts like a bullet shot through my heart... "

I threw the pack of papers onto the floor. I had torn and bound all the pages I could find once I had put Garet to bed.

The man snored peacefully behind me as I sat on the edge of the bed.

'If she's in such deep love she's gotta know how I feel then. Com'on, what is this? It's obvious she only wants me & she's in love with me. Well, I'm in love with Garet, so... it's so shallow, but... it's so obvious that he's the one I want... I feel bad, but... it's the truth.'

Things were such a mess... and now I had to sort through these damn 'seams of life' shit and untangle the knotted threads. I had made it clear to Garet that I love him... but now I had to sort things out with Sheba.

'I feel like a fisherman pulling his crew out of the water...'

'At least the pain's gone down... ' I read through her talking about how she felt sick and dizzy because of the stress. 'luckily the bleeding's stopped, if only she knew what I go through...'

"If you happened to read my journal yesterday, I think a lot of the stress is induced by moodswings... But I AM upset, just secretly. I started getting worried today though, because during chorus, I started getting so dizzy that I thought I was going to fall over... not to mention I've had this headache since I got home from Jenna's"

I looked over my own journal, one that I DIDN'T post on the doors for the world... well, maybe it was time for it to come into the open. Nah- My thoughts written there are mine. But the overview would look like this:

So much stress from yearning for Garet but wanting my friends to be happy too. Trying to balance and find peace in this mixed up life... There was... blood... Not from my period, that was last week. but this was BLOOD- internal BLEEDING. I threw-up and I was always tired. I got dizzy constantly. I'd lay there on the bed, dead for a while. Not a breath, hardly a pulse. Then I'd choke and tears would come.
I can't do it... I can't untangle these damn threads in this damn 'Fabric life' shit that's going on. I could never weave a perfect blanket to keep the world warm. These damn threads have me too easily frusterated.

Why not burn the whole damn sheet.

The next day I dedicated my time to being the best friend I possibly could. I doubt she noticed. She hardly notices HALF the stuff I do for her.
It's nuts!

I keep hoping that if I... post my thoughts here on this door that... maybe someday it'll all be better? Maybe I won't have to work to untangle (dare I use this dreaded Cliché analogy again?) these damn threads. Dammit, I hate analogies.

I'm starting to think... that the only way to make her happy is... to love her and not Garet. What much can I say, I just CAN'T. I don't care how great of a friend she is- my FUTURE relies on my love for THIS MAN.

I won't abandon my future for someone I used to be, no Cicada crawls back into it's shell soon after it's finally been released from the ground where it had waited for some 16 years and has finally broken out and dried it's wings. I'm not going back to that.

Don't look back, you can never look back.
Don't lie to me... but don't make me suffer
Your weight is on my hands and shoulders
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