Chapter X
Able Answers
He had been here before, he had been right there at this very moment. It was like reliving the same nightmare.
Squall stared down at Rinoa's lifeless body as it lay on top of one of Esthar's research center's sleeping quarters so peacefully. Not threatening anybody, just there, sleeping with a simple tranquility.
The de-ja-vu that he was experiencing was surreal. Rinoa was lying helplessly in front of him and again there was not a damn thing that Squall could do about it.
Bending down to his knees Squall gripped his fingers on her bed's edge. Rinoa was so utterly beautiful; time had only enhanced her elegance. His breath was literally taken away every time he glanced at her.
Sighing softly Squall took a hold of Rinoa's slender hand. It was frozen; it felt like he was holding digits of ice.
"Shiva, Rinoa," he cried harshly, of course there was no reply.
Still holding her hand Squall pressed it against his rapid beating chest. Rinoa's beauty would always hold its place in Squall's memory, but only her thriving personality would hold a place in his heart. The way she would always be honest, her determination, her genuine kindness, even her stubbornness. His heart burned with pain when he thought about those things. He could feel its bitter sting when he pictured her grasping her metal rings nervously or her face warming up when he arrived home after a mission.
"Rinoa, how am…damn it," Squall couldn't even tell her how he was feeling when she was unconscious. He could tell her about everything that was going on around him, but he just couldn't talk about her. Get through the words that he desperately wanted to speak.
Staring at her yearningly Squall heard a knock on the guest room door. Letting go of Rinoa's hand he yelled to the owner of the knock. "Come in."
Slowly the door cracked open, stepping into the room was Quistis, a weak smile was spread across her face. "I do want to interrupt," she apologized, her voice was shaking. "I…I was just given the unfortunate task of telling you the seal was ready."
Squall didn't give Quistis a response, he was sure she wasn't expecting one. All he could do was stare back down at Rinoa gravely.
"Well," Quistis said uncomfortably "I'll leave you alone."
Quistis started to head out the room when Squall found himself calling after her.
"Quistis, wait."
With her feet freezing in place Quistis turned back around, her eyes were staring expectantly at him.
Biting his lip Squall asked her "How can I ever tell her in words what I'm feeling, Quistis? How can anything ever do justice to her?"
"To be honest Squall, when it comes to Rinoa Heartilly nothing is ever going to do her justice, but if I know Rinoa the way that I hope I do, well, I think then she doesn't even need to hear the words. What will matter to her is that you're by her side just like you are now."
"Quistis, I"-
I know," Quistis interrupted, her voice was soaked with sympathy. "But more importantly Rinoa knows. And if I could give you one piece of advice Squall it would be this; just tell her everything you wanted to tell Rinoa the moment you laid eyes on her."
Squall watched his friend wipe her own tears before they fell down any farther from her cheek. After a quick kiss on the top of his head Quistis left the room and Squall turned back to Rinoa.
How do you tell someone that you care for them so deeply about the bottom of your soul? How do you show them what you have not dared showed another living person?"
Taking Quistis' advice Squall decided to start at that first glance he had of her out on the dance floor, after all, that was where it all began.
"I never expected love, Rinoa, I never dared to even think about its implications, but then you came along and changed everything," he laughed sadly to himself. "I think you have a way of doing that."
He watched her, praying for some sign that she could hear what he was saying. When there wasn't one Squall gently placed a hand against her cool cheek and going on a little faith continued to speak.
"I know that sometimes it's too hard for me to find the right words, Rinoa, especially to you, because nothing would ever come out just right. Nothing would ever come close to describing how I feel about you,' Squall rested his shaking chin against his trembling hand, fighting the tears that should have fallen years ago he continued. "I love you Rinoa, I love you more then I ever thought I could possibly feel for someone. For everything Rinoa…I love you." That was it, his words faded into not so quietly sobs. His shoulders shook uncontrollably. Squall stared down at Rinoa's gentle face expecting to see his sleeping beauty…he didn't.
There staring right back up at him was Rinoa, wide awake.
"Rinoa," he gasped.
"I love you too," she whispered sweetly.
Getting up from his knees Squall grasped onto Rinoa, holding onto her so tight and inwardly promising himself to never let go. "I'm so sorry Rinoa," he wept into her ear. "I'm sorry for everything I've done and more so for all the things that I didn't do…I love you."
Pulling apart, only slightly, the two stared at each other. A burning force for something more grandeur then themselves was screaming with an intensity that could only be described as love.
Grasped onto each other's arms the two remained…until the enviable quiet knock echoed into the room.
"It's okay Squall…I know I have to do this." Rinoa spoke so calmly and certain, only he would hear the vulnerability that was hidden in her tone.
"No, you don't," he sobbed.
"Squall, we both know this has to be done."
With her signature smile Rinoa bent forward and gently kissed his forehead. "I love you Squall…for everything."
Despite himself Squall smiled back at her. "For everything," he repeated through his tears.
The events that followed would always hold a place in Squall's heart, but it would also haunt him till his last breath.
Not leaving Rinoa's side Squall walked her to the sealing chamber. The others were waiting to say their own goodbyes. When Rinoa had parted from everyone she stepped up to the seal; where Squall was waiting.
They stood before each other, but this time they did not speak. Everything that should have been said was said. What they were left with was the bleeding hearts of each other. Which in reflection was all they ever really wanted.
After a moment where emotion was all they could cling onto, the two fell into a kiss that held what only could be described as everything.
Parting, Rinoa paused and stared intently into Squall's eyes, almond met steel, and the open doors between them shut for the first time. Kissing him one last time Rinoa turned around and bravely began her journey for the rest of the world.
Not for one second did Squall take his eyes off of Rinoa, not for one second did Squall let their last moments be wasted on closed eyes. He watched as Rinoa Heartilly, for the sanity of the world, become the greatest saving grace it had ever seen. Squall watched Rinoa Heartilly, the greatest human being he would ever know, seal herself from everything.
3 Months Later
The group sat at their reserved table at Booya's. The bar's new star entertainer Vella, had just finished her performance and when everyone at the table was clapping Squall heard a familiar voice whispered into his ear. "Please tell me someone else hasn't replaced me in your fancy, Mr. Leonhart?"
Squall turned around. "Macy!" he exclaimed.
"It's nice to know that I haven't been forgotten," she said to him, giving him a smile that was nothing short of dazzling.
"What are you doing here?" He asked her surprised.
"I have been making my rounds," she answered. "How have you been doing?"
To that Squall wasn't able to reply. The last three months had been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for him. So much had happened, not necessarily around him, but inside of him. Too much for Squall to be able to answer Macy's question.
After he had failed to answer her question Macy gave him a curious look and asked. "Do you want to go for a walk?"
Not able to think of a single reason not Squall excused himself from the table and joined Macy outside the bar.
The two of them parted from Balamb's town and made their way to the beach. Neither of them said very much along the way. As they traveled Squall noticed Macy kept glancing over at him, when they reached the coast he had to ask her. "Why do you keep staring at me?"
"I'm sorry," she apologized embarrassingly "It's just, well, you seem different."
"Different?"
"Yeah," she replied giving him a quirky smile. "Your composure…it's different."
"Is that good or bad?"
"I don't know, what do you think?"
Squall thought about that, he thought about the last few months, he thought about the last few days he had with Rinoa.
"A good thing," he finally responded.
Macy smiled genuinely. "I thought so too."
Both now a little more at ease continued to walk along the Balamb coast. They made small talk along the way, both filling each other in on what they had been doing the last few months. Though, Squall did spare some rather significant details.
It wasn't until the end of the beach that the conversation took the more serious tone and continued where they lasted parted all those months ago.
"I won't lie Squall, it's been difficult these last three months, but you want to know something. I actually found what I was looking for."
"Oh yeah," Squall said with solemn curiosity. "And what's that?"
"I've discovered that things weren't made to be easy. At least anything honestly worth it isn't. You have to fight, to struggle for what you actually want."
Then after a simple shrug Macy turned the conversation back onto him. "So did you find what you were looking for, Squall?"
Looking down at Macy Squall couldn't help but smile. After all the pain and misery, after all the time he spent cursing everything around him Squall had come to a realization. He discovered that despite all the painful facades some things are plainly and simply just worth it. It was everything that Macy had said, but there was something more. Something that even though he couldn't describe it, he could feel it dwelling in his heart. And it gave him hope.
Turning to face the ocean Squall let his eyes get lost in its vast splendor.
In a voice that could have easily gotten blended in with the ocean's never ceasing breeze he answered Macy's question.
"I did."
THE END
AUTHORS NOTE:
Well there it is. Tragic. I know and I'm sorry. But I hope it leaves the emotional tones that it left me when I was writing it. Rinoa did a brave and noble thing; I felt that was the best ending I could have given her. Even if it wasn't the happiest; it was the most hopeful. Which was the trying theme of the whole tale. Despite loss, anguish, confusion, pain there is something to be learn from all of that and it's that hope that allows us to apply those little teachings to our future obstacles.
Okay, enough with my philosophical thoughts. What I really want is to take the time and thank everyone out there who gave my story a shot. I truly hope that it was entertaining and enjoyable to read as it was to write.
I want to give a special thank you to specifically: Squinoa Fan, almasy11, Ayato, Moo, Pretty Like Drugs, lady-rinoa, Kye-Kye, Karaoke Risa, Angelprinzess and FloralBlackMoon. Your words of encouragement will always be so greatly appreciated and I thank you.
To all out there I hope that everything is wonderful. Take care of yourselves.
Always,
Leah
