Lina awoke feeling refreshed. The bed was comfey and no one had awakened her before she was ready to get up. It felt sooo good. She stood up and stretched. Outside she could see the courtyard looking all fresh from the rain the evening before. But the sky was blue and had fluffy white clouds which bode well for the day being nice and dry. "Well, Lina, what adventures await today?" she said to herself. "I know!" she laughed. "Breakfast!" She pulled the cord on the wall, and sure enough, withing a minute a young serving lady, named Trina, appeared in answer to her summons. Lina soon had hot water for a morning wash, and lo and behold, yet again her clothes had been cleaned by unseen hands.
Lina looked at them as she prepared to dress and happened to sigh "I wish I had pretty clothes like the Queen, it would be nice to dress like a girl once in awhile." She had been thinking in part of her Mirror twin from yesterday. Time and experience had modified the twin's personality but at heart she was still a humanitarian and feminine girl, and Lina began to think that there were times when being more of a girl might not hurt. The serving lady had happened to be in the other room cleaning up as Lina sighed her whistful desire and spoke up. "Lady Lina, there are lots of spare clothes in the closets downstairs. I'm sure I could find something in your size. What did you have in mind?"
Lina perked up and said "Um, err, thank you! I must say I admired that white gown Her Royal Highness had taken to Seirune. It was rather shimmery and pretty with a simple pattern that flattered her figure amazingly well. And it has such simple designs worked into it by needle point." "That's pretty standard for a fancy dress Lady." returned the servant girl. She came in to Lina's room and said to Lina, "Here's a plan if you will, after breakfast come down stairs and we can rumage and see what we can find!" said the girl enthusiastically. "Sure!" said Lina. "Is breakfast in the hall this morning?" she asked. "Well, uh, no, for you it is here Miss Lina." the girl replied. "You slept in and we had strict orders to leave you undisturbed. The food cart is in the back hall. But see, this table folds out here and becomes a private dining table!"
Lina asked what time it was and jumped when she found out it was closer to lunch than breakfast. "Wow! I was tired but I didn't realise I was that tired!" she said. With the girl's help she washed and dressed quickly, then sat down to eat. She found it a bit uncomfortable that she had a maid waiting on her like she was royalty or something, so to get around that she plied the girl with questions, and got plenty of answers. One of them was "So, um, is this the most elaborate guest room in the keep then?" "Actually, it is the Queen's room" was the reply, "but our current Queen doesn't use it, she sleeps in the same bed as the King. Like his mother did before him, and I believe his grandmother started it. I don't think this room has been used for a long time, at least it has been longer than I have been alive, and I'm almost eighteen!" "Oh, well, it is very elaborate! I like the brass bed, and that nice brass tub in the other room shines almost like old gold does." "Yes they are pretty." agreed Trina.
"Um, down the hall there was another room done up in what apeared to be silver plate, what room is that?" asked Lina. Trina coloured a bit before answering. "Um, that was the bedchamber of the Royal Mistress, in days of yore." Lina almost fell over in shock. "Royal Mistress! Royal Mistress? HOO boy, I wonder if Amilia knows." she said with a laugh. "Um, I can ask if you wish, Miss Lina." the girl replied. "No it's okay, I'll ask Her Majesty when I see her later." chuckled Lina as she mentally congratulated herself for not tripping over the phrase "Her Majesty." After all, Naga? Her Majesty? Ah, life was so perverse sometimes.
She finished her food quickly and was half way through only the second cart when she realised she wasn't hungry any more. The trip up hadn't been too stressful once they left Zefielia, and there had been an abundance of meals since she had flown the Queen to Seirune. She was up to speed and in top form. Ah, life was good sometimes, too. She stood up and stretched and called Trina who was making the bed. "Soon as your done, let's have some fun dress hunting!" The girl smiled a big yes and in short order the bed was made and the two girls were packing the old linen downstairs to the laundry, for, even though the maid had insisted she could manage it herself, Lina decided to help anyway, if only for something to do. Soon they were busy deep in the closets of old and Lina was loving it!
However, not everyone was as happy that morning. In a sunny garden a young Princess of the House of Seirune was trying not to weep. After all, Zelgadiss hadn't outright rejected her, he had just been a bit brusque in asking to be alone to continue researching the Royal Sorceresses library for a cure. Amilia wasn't sure why she felt so blue about his words today. After all, there had to be a cure, right? Right? Everything was going to work out in the end, that would only be... justice... "Oh shove justice!" she said suddenly to herself. "I want Zel! He seems more withdrawn since, since this war and everything. Oh Gods above! Where is his cure?" Losing the battle, she started to weep, glad no one was there to see. She was a brave girl, but even so, this was emotionally exhausting. And the one person she would have gone to for comfort, her daddy, well, first of all, he wasn't here, and second, in this case he was part of the problem. What was a Princess to do?
While Amilia pondered that, her sister, another Princess of the house of Seirune by birth made her way quietly to the library where Zel was reading. Reading and not finding. And getting frustrated enough to weep himself. "My lord, how goes the search?" she asked quietly. Zel looked up and around then seemed to settle when he realised they were alone. "Poorly Your Highness, poorly." was his response. He was pensive a minute then slammed the book he was reading shut. "I have reached a decission Queen Gracia. I have decided that there is no cure in the west. I have looked everywhere I can think to look, and some places I never thought of as having answers, and it just isn't here! If there is a cure it lies elsewhere. After the war, if I can, I will go to the east and look. I may not come back from such a venture. In fact, since I doubt I'll find anything quickly, I intend not to come back. I will leave your sister as we spoke of earlier. Let me be dead to her and she will find someone else, a real man who can love her, and marry her, and make your Royal father happy with the offspring and their succession to the throne." He was quiet again as if gathering himself, then went on. "I hate myself already for the hurt I will put your sister through. Please help her in her grief, she won't understand. She still talks of marriage, even though it is proven impossible."
Gracia was silent for a minute, her blue eyes inscruitable. "Are you really so sure of this Lord Zelgadiss? Will you not allow some time to be devoted properly to the search after the war? This is hasty is it not? The power to make chimeras would be powerful and dangerous, the power to undo them equally so, I doubt it is lying around in just any old library." "I know it isn't, Lady." replied Zel. "No, I have seen enough here in your library to know your spells are basically the same as I have seen in other places. There is no cure here, and this was my last hope. Please don't argue, I have thought long and hard on this, my mind is made up." Gracia shook her head, clearly upset with Zel's rather abrupt decission. After making a few more efforts to change his mind she realised he was stubbornly dug in and hopelessly committed to his plan. Whatever might happen to change his mind would not come from talk.
She left the library and went to feed her baby. As she rocked little Arthur and suckled him she though about Zelgadiss. She realised he was under a lot of stress, that his soul wasn't made of the same stone his body was, and he was reaching a breaking point. Something had to be done, before the war prefferably, but what? Finally Arthur was done and settled back into his crib, sleeping, well, like a baby. Gracia went out and looked for his father. He was, understandably enough, on the practice field drilling himself and his elite guard for the upcoming war. She called him to her. The King seemed happy enough to give up the practice for the morning, it was getting hot out anyway, and went with his wife to a shady spot. There they talked a long time. It was obvious to the observers he didn't like something the Queen wanted, but that she was making arguments he couldn't nay say. Finally, a servant was sent to find the King's brother. Obviously something of importance was to be decided.
Erik was happily hunkered down in one of the medical gardens reviewing plants and their uses with a very special guest. Almost since her arrival he had rather doted upon Sylphiel, and something like 9 out of 10 blind men could see she was flattered by the attention. This was a stir at the great hall in and of itself, as Erik was well known for being shy with women beyond the general social level. Sylphiel was getting unheard of attention. And so she was this morning too. She had been examining the gardens and reading with Erik how the plants were used for medical purposes. As they went she described variations of some of the plants seen in the West of Westhold, and described their magical uses. Indeed, she had taught Erik some of her simpler healing spells, and he was grateful. So, when he was finally located and summoned he was understandably reluctant to leave, but, the King and Queen had need, and he had his duties. Sylphiel smiled and bid him go, saying they would meet again at lunch which was not that far off anyway.
He did go, and she suddenly found herself lonely. She got up and slowly walked back to the library to return the book, thinking as she went, but not about healing. Erik, in the mean time, made his way to the pavillion where the King and Queen were, and soon was involved in a heated three way converstion with them. In the end he seemed to side more with the Queen than with the King and so a reluctant agreement was made just as the noon bells were ringing to call the Hall to order for the profound business of eating the midday meal. Sylphiel was there with Lina when Gracia walked in.
She stopped and blinked, it took her a minute to realise that the resplendant redhead in the pale beige gown was Lina, obviously successful in her rummage. "Lina Inverse, what on earth? Why you're beautiful!" she said in wonder, then laughed a pleasant laugh. Lina cocked a suspicious eye at Naga, then quickly realised it was Gracia speaking. "Tell me you aren't just discovering that now, Your Majesty!" she said, but with a smile. "Heavens no, but that gown is definitely you Lina." the taller woman replied. "Can I ask why?" "I don't know exactly," replied Lina in all honesty. I just felt a desire to be feminine for a change. Honestly I think it's pre-war jitters, I want to try and experience everything I can before possibly finding myself in a position not to be able to do so ever again." Gracia nodded slowly. Six feet down, pushing up the daisies. She knew exactly what Lina meant. "Then do so, dear Lina. With all my blessing." said the Queen to her friend. They all sat down and lunch was served.
It was obvious though that this meal was not going to be a happy, chattery event. Everyone seemed to have their own thoughts on their minds and soon enough they dispursed to their own ways. Erik did show up like Sylphiel had said, but alas, some business had called him away that afternoon, so he bid a rather reluctant "Till later!" to Sylphiel and departed. Lina ended up with Sylphiel as they walked out of the room. "Sylphiel!" said a happy and full Lina. "You've managed to make yourself scarce since you got here! Are you and Prince Erik making lots of preparations for the upcoming demands on your healing abilities?" Lina asked this in a kind enough voice, but the look in her eye was much more the "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" variety, and it wasn't lost on Sylphiel. She started giggling, then blushing, then giggling some more... "Oh my Miss Lina, now look what you've done! Eh, what can I say? I confess, there seems to be a few sparks flying, but, be fair, it's far too soon to see if they've caught anything. And yes, we have been legitimately busy preparing for the war, I'm sorry to say. They have a much more advanced medical culture than we do, you know? Of course, they've had to, their magic is far less powerfull. They have no one who is anywhere in my league as a white healer, and I'm only stating a fact."
She sighed and looked a little whistful. "And I find him easy to get along with," she went on "but I do hear the wispers about how he is so shy with women, and what spell did I put him under, and it's so unfair that these foreign women with their black tresses come and steal the royalty away from the women of the land. I guess they must look at Queen Gracia and me as some sort of raven haired seductresses. Sigh, despite my impractical determination to help Gourry back when Hellmaster had him I confess that wouldn't know how to be a seductress if my life depended on it, or anyone elses for that matter. I think the women of this land look pretty and exotic with their fair, pale blond hair, I always felt mine was, well, rather plain. I've even wondered how it would look if I had taken on your fiery colour! But, I've never had the courage to try colouring it." She then gave Lina a sidelong look and giggled again. "Would I look good bald, do you think?" she asked.
Lina laughed out loud and said "Sylphiel, you'd look good in anything, don't underestimate yourself, you are quite pretty. And I confess, I too have wondered how I'd come across if I were to darken my hair to your lovely midnight shade. But my courage has failed me there too, he, he. Ahh, it seems to be a woman thing, we are jealous of each other for some reason. Anyway, what ever you and Erik decide about anything is your business, unless it interferes with matters of state, like poor Zel and Amilia." Sylphiel hadn't heard that one, so Lina explained about the possibility of a chimera baby being born, and the possibility of a civil war if it tried to take the throne one day. "How human..." was Sylphiel's sad reply. "We look on the outside and judge, we never look inside to see if such a being would be a good ruler. Oh, after the war, maybe I can work to find a cure." "Yes," responded Lina, "my thoughts exactly Sylphiel, let's talk again after things are settled, maybe we can do something after all. We are both very powerful in our own colours of magic, maybe a joint effort will work wonders?" "Let us hope!" said Sylphiel with an upbeat tone to her voice.
The two girls wandered off and actually had a good chat. The Queen disappeared for the rest of the afternoon and no one seemed to know where she went, but, she did have duties both as Queen and Royal Sorceress, and likely was tied up with those. Besides, she had taken her baby with her, it was just as likely she was cuddling him all she could, before things got bad. Zel spent all his time in the library, and Amilia was with him, helping in the search for the cure. She had cried herself out and now felt better, but he was still strangely silent she noticed. Ah well, the call to arms was only a day away, apparently, that was the day set for the mustering to take place. It was nothing less than the full gathering of all available men at arms in the kingdom, and was going to take place on the great plain to the east of Stronghold. Amilia would be able to watch it from the city. She felt very sad about that, for once the rank and file were mustered the men would march off to war and not be seen again till the battle at the wall at the bottleneck pass was over, one way or the other.
And when the men left, Gracia and Lina would ride away too, on their way to secure the weak spot in the mountain wall against being undermined. Sylphiel would stay in Stronghold and prepare for casualties while Prince Erik would ride out with the field hospitals. Zel was going with the army to the wall, and Amilia was going to have to leave for home. The visit had been too short after too long a separation from her beloved Gracia, and there was nothing to do about it. Well, at least she had been invited to join her sister with Lina in the big hot tub this evening, and there should be as much time as possible there to get to talk once more with her sister, and her friend. She felt a pang of fear as the unwelcome thought that it might be the last time intruded upon her. She felt tears rising again, and forced herself to pay attention to her reading, Zel might find a cure yet, here, now, before things got bad. And so the afternoon passed, and drifted on towards evening.
Shortly before the supper hour a large party of horsemen came riding in from the west. They turned out to be the border guard, and they had come to announce the arrival of forces from Seirune, Zoana, and some of the costal states at the high wall of the narrow pass, who had come to relieve them. So at least there was that much security, the western walls were manned by troops who were neutral if not friendly, and security from that boarder would not be a concern. "Good old daddy!" thought Amilia to herself. Finally they were called to supper, a simple affair and only a little more cheery than lunch, and then it was on to the evening.
Lina had looked forward to this all day. Hot springs were plentiful where she was used to roaming, but here in Westhold, they were rather lacking. Well, more to the point, the existed, but were found up in the mountains and had to be travelled to as an outing. So the fact that the great tub in her room was being fired up was a bit of a treat. She had noticed the servants had been hauling water in from a special cistern in the afternoon. Apparently, the water in it was brought in from a real hot spring and stored, it's virtue not being lost by cooling and reheating. At one point she had seen the young girl Trina working on the tub and had chatted for a minute, asking her about the water and apologising for her having to work so hard. Trina laughed and said that in the first place, the tub hadn't been used in over a generation, so it was a bit of a break from routine to see it in action. She promptly took Lina around to see the heating system, which consisted of an out door furnace which directed its smoke through a somewhat complicated series of baffles allowing it to heat the tub and the floor around it to a hot but not obsessive temperature. Trina then said that there were other more public hot tubs used by the staff and even the royal types living at the great Hall, so this tub's main claim to fame was it's designation as being for the exclusive use of the Queen.
Lina chuckled and expressed relief that the water in the cistern wasn't as old as the last time the tub was used, and that people hadn't been made to haul it in specially. Trina reassured her, with a chuckle of her own, that the water was fresh and could only be gotten fresher if one made a trip to the source, and if Lina thought preparing the tub was work, she should see the preparations for that! Lina laughed and let the girl get back to it. As she walked away she mulled for a minute on whether or not making people like Trina have to be servants wasn't fundamentally unfair and if the girl wouldn't rather be out living her life at her own beck and call, not someone elses. She wondered if Trina got to do the things other young ladies did at her age, and if she had a sweetheart. A slow sad smile crosed Lina's face as she reminded herself of Gourry, and then she decided that Trina had probably come from a noble family herself, a minor one of course, to even be allowed to act as a servant in the Great Hall, and that she had probably been raised in and around this sort of life and was used to it. Well, as long as she was happy, Lina realised she wasn't going to be in a position to do anything about Trina's lot, except be nice to the girl. "And hey!" Lina said to herself with a laugh. "She may be a couple of inches taller, but she's as skinny as me and we small breasted types have to stick together! No jiggling from Trina, that's for sure!" With that, Lina entered into a small garden she hadn't been in before, intending to sit down to relax and await the summons for the evening's soak.
Lina had quickly clued in to the fact that in Stronghold, the ceremonial gardens were meant as quiet spots for relaxation and meditation, of both the contemplative and the trance like variety. There were five main little gardens and each had a different feature designed to be the center of the experience of that garden. For example, the garden she had gone to upon first arriving, with Amilia and Zelgadiss had a couple of gazebos in it and was the show garden where the gardeners did the most work to put on a flowery show all summer long. It was meant to be a spot where people could sit and admire different arrangements at different times of the year, and from different angles. It was also the one where people were most expected to go if you wanted a chat with your friends over tea, so the friends had gotten that right, on that first day.
Then there was the garden with the small raised stage at one end which was used both formally and informally for public performances like poetry readings or maybe musical evenings. It was bigger than the gazebo garden but plainer, the idea here was to let the garden mute into the background and provide a subtle setting for the performance. There was the water garden, a small place designed to let the visitor sit and quietly let the music of the falling water from the fountain trickle into the soul. It even had a small pool with rare water plants in it. The gardeners had found a few plants that would over winter in the pond and a few others that would set seed soon enough to allow the seeds to be stored in the cold season. Lina had found it a pretty spot, even greeting the resident frogs with a chuckle, but had quietly cut her visit short upon seeing an innocent little snail on the back wall. Well, at least it wasn't a slug. She was glad she was learning not to scream her head off the instant she saw them any more, but she still needed to get away as soon as she saw one, or else the inevitable carrying on ensued, to the embarasment of all, slug or snail included. But, snail or not, it had been a pretty garden.
Then there was the gravel garden, where the gardener would rake interesting free hand patterns in a big patch of gravel. Here you were expected to contemplate the visual impact of the garden, and the auditory impact of the silence that was strictly maintained in the garden. Finally, there had been the hedgerow garden, a cute little maze where visitors were meant to have fun threading the pattern to the center and back. This was a favourite with children who loved getting in and around the hedges, and was a place where talking and laughing were certainly expected if not encourage. Now, around the back of the Hall, she found yet another little garden and went in to see what was to be seen.
The first thing that greeted her was a sign telling her this was a sacred spot and that she had to remove her shoes and socks if weather permited. It was warm and sunny in the late afternon, so Lina did just that. In fact, she had chosen sandals to go with her dress, it was easy to go bare foot. It felt nice too. She went in and saw a small irregularly shaped patch of ground surrounded by a wall of irregular field stone, built with no mortar. There were wild flowers in abundance as only a small walkway along one side of the wall was trimmed, this was where the benches were kept, and a small path was also maintained up to a pile of large stones in the middle of the garden.
Lina puzzled over this, then it struck her. It was an altar! Like the wall, it was not made of smooth carved stones, in fact absolutely no tool work could be seen anythere on it. Also, there was no gold, no cloth, no adornments of any sort. Even the usual two upright pillars often called "horns" were missing! "Who's altar is this?" she asked the garden. "The Unknown God's" came the reply. Lina jumped, she hadn't expected an answer. "Yikes!" she cried. Then she noticed, just around the corner a man was sitting, feet bared, hood over his head.
"I, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there!" said Lina with a gasp. The man looked up and chuckled. It was the King, apparently he had arrived just ahead of her, taking a walk after supper. After all, his wife had other plans that evening. "Oh, Your Majesty! I didn't mean to disturb you!" she said. "And who says you have Lina Inverse? Who says you have? Would you like to know more? Come, sit down beside me, it's time I got to know this woman my beloved wife thinks so highly of anyway. Hmmm, but I don't think I was supposed to tell you that, so, for the record, I didn't!" said the King with a chuckle. "Eh?" said Lina as she sat next to the King on the bench. "Thinks highly of me? Well, I suppose she does, Your Majesty, although our relationship was always one of trying to out do the other. Yet, given our personalities, that's probably why it works."
The King looked at her with a smile and said "Here, in this garden, and alas, only in this garden, we are all equal before God, and you can call me Alfred, if you please, Lina. Besides, it is nice to lay aside the mantle and the crown and just be a man once in awhile. There will be too little of that in the upcomong days, that's for sure." Lina nodded. "I know, your... Alfred" she said. "So tell me about this god who isn't known?" she asked.
"Well, He is the God who hasn't revealed himself yet." said the King. "Have you noticed how all of nature seems divided into male and female?" Lina nodded. The King went on "Have you ever realised we always refere to the Golden Lord of the Nightmares as "she"?" Lina nodded again. "I knew that but I never put any significance to it, at least not till now..." she said in a thoughtful way. "You need a man and a woman to make a new life." said the King. "This is true for all of nature, from plants to people. Now, if The Golden Lord of the Nightmares is the female, the Mother, then where is the male? The Father?" "I, I have never thought on that!" said Lina with a slight shock. The King pointed at the altar.
"The unknown God." he said. "No one knows about him, only that he will reveal himself when ready, if ever." Alfred went on. "You see before you an altar made of stones never touched with a tool, un-cemented, and which has never had fire or sacrifice on it, except the prayers of people who come to this garden, which is left wild and open to the sky. This little path is the only concession made to humans, we have no guide as to how to worship him. We keep this garden simple, and use it as a place of quiet meditation and prayer. Now you know the secret of this place. I myself was just calming my mind after a hard day's practice at killing my fellow human beings, killing them for the simple reason that that is why they are marching even now towards us, to kill us. It is not fair, but it is life." the King ended with a sigh.
Lina was quiet for a long time. Finally she spoke. "Religion has never been something I have thought about, uh, Alfred, but perhaps after the war I might just give this some thought. It might help me in my quiet quest." The King gave her a puzzled look and Lina elaborated "It's not something I wave about like a flag or anything, but one of my real missions in life is to find myself."
The King nodded for a minute then smiled over to Lina and said "Can I let you in on a secret Lina?" She nodded. "Look down." he said and as she did so he touched her gently on her stomach. "Who is that?" "HUH?" she replied. "Me, of course..." she said, using a puzzled and suspicious tone of voice. "Of course!" said the King. "And you'll always be there for as long as you live! You see, you aren't lost, that's why you can't find yourself. What you need to do is re-define the search. It's not "where am I?" because you are right there! It's not "who am I?" because you are, simply, you. What you are really asking is "What do I want to be?" Or "who" if you prefer. You see, what we really do with our lives is not find ourselves, but rather, we make ourselves. But until we realise that, we don't always understand the process. Even people who go away and come back claiming they found themselves are really people who were able to use the journey as a means of making themselves what they felt they wanted to be, but they may not always have realised that was what they were doing."
Lina gave him a puzzled look. "For example" the King responded, "did you become a great and powerful sorceress because one day you were stumbling around and then "Ping!" you accidentally stepped on a lucky spot and there you were! Instant power! Or did you work, study, hunt, seek, and practice that power till, like a fine craftsman, you perfected it?" "Well, the latter, of course..." said a still puzzled Lina. "And this temper you are famous for, did that happen because a malicious demon has possessed you and you can't help yourself, or is it because you don't bother practicing self control and you make yourself someone famous for over reacting?" "No, no one has forced me, I admit to that." said Lina with a nervous giggle. "But what about things I didn't want, like being estranged from my sister?" she asked.
"Did an evil fairy come and wave her wand? Or how did you get separated?" asked the King. "Err, well, we always seemed to dislike each other, and we always picked on each other, back and forth throughout our lives, then things sort of came to a head when I was 10 and got so bad by age 13 that I left home, at my sister's, let's say, suggestion. Basically I ran away because she made me too fightened to stay." replied Lina. The King nodded. "But what you did at age 10 you did of your own will. The problem was you only thought of the consequences from a ten year old's point of view, and so you decided to make yourself someone who had revenged herself on her sister and you succeeded. But you never asked "Will my sister get so mad at this she will want revenge back?" did you?" asked the King.
Lina shook her head no. "I have done a lot of things without thinking about the results" she admitted. "But, I do realise the phrase "finding myself" is a bit of a catch phrase for making myself, you know." Alfred smiled and said "In that case you are ahead of some others, including some who should know better. However, my meaning here is more one of restating the problem in clearer words. Think about it like this. As long as you say "I must find myself", or "where am I?" sorts of phrases you push the question of "who do I want to be?" to the back of your mind. Think about how much clearer your search would become if you openly asked the question. Then it is right here in front of your face, and you can, and have to, deal with it." Lina pondered for a minute, then said "And I think I get it now too. I can control my actions, or let them be controlled by outside forces. If I am to be the woman I want to be I have to take the responsibility of deciding who she is and acting that way, or else life will carry me along and I will act the way it pushes me!" "Yes, that's it Lina!" said the King happily. "You have the idea! You won't find her, this woman you want to be, you will make her! Just remember this, and I think you will be able to "find", shall we say, the real Lina, no matter where you are, or what life does to you."
Lina thought for a while then said "Thank you, Alfred. I think I can scratch a major quest off my to do list now. Yes, you are right, redefine the question and it puts finding the answer in a clearer light, I make myself. It's the hoary old saying isn't it? "You don't choose the time you were given, but you do choose what you do with it." It's clearer now, somehow. I wish I'd had this talk with someone long ago." The King nodded and said "What's important is that you have had it now, Lina. Oh, word of warning, the quest to make yourself won't be any the less demanding than the one to find yourself." Lina stood up with a giggle, gave a stretch, and said " I begin to see what Naga, er, Gracia, must see in you. But I'm curious, what do you see in her?" she asked, sitting back down.
The King looked at Lina with a twinkle in his eye and said "Have you ever looked deep into those blue, blue, eyes of hers? There is this wondeful, complex, compeling person in there. Oh sure, I appreciate that not everyone will relate to her like I do, her sense of humour is pretty unique, she's got her vanity, and an overwhelming sense of self superiority, at least on the surface. But get underneath, and there is a deep well of personality not always seen. She is a deep thinker, sometimes too deep, and she can get misdirected by her thoughts to the point where she misses the obvious." Lina couldn't help but laugh at that. "Oh, tell me all about it!" she said. The King smiled back. "Yes, you traveled with her, you do know, don't you? She has a serious side too. If she sets herself to a task she can clamp down like a bull dog and not let go. She is studious, look at her magic, how far it has come in a few short years. She has a tender side too, one almost never seen in public. And way down at the bottom, she still has an inner child if you like, a scared little girl who saw her mother hacked down in front of her. She will have some scars for life I think. What do I see in her? I don't know if I can simply put it in a few words, but, when I see her with our son, how loving and tender she is, well, I don't know, something speaks to my man's heart that I found the right one."
"Yes," said Lina with a nod. "I admired the way she took care of the baby durning the trip, hardly a peep out of him, fed when he wanted, even the diapers were handled without complaint. And then there was the fight. The Naga I knew fainted at the sight of a scratch that was bleeding, but for her baby, she shed blood and killed without a moments hesitation, thought the shock to her afterwards was rather profound. To be honest, I hope I prove as good a mother." Alfred smiled and said "I thank you for being with her, Lina, she would never have handled the mazoku without magic. I am very grateful that you brought her back alive." he added, with the hint of a tear of gratitude in his eye.
He thought for a minute, then went on "So, what else do I see in Gracia... Well, there's her laugh. I suppose most people find it irritating, but I was always able to hear notes in it that others seem to have missed. Yes, it speaks of her vanity, of her self styled superiority, or what she calls her "worldly superiority", and her sense of being the best, and that is all most people hear. But, if you listen carefully, there are overtones that tell a different story. They tell about her fear, her loneliness, and, hidden even from herself I think, there is a feeling of, and a fear of, being inferior." The King sighed. "But maybe I better not go there, they are my observations of a private side of my beloved, and I don't know if she wants it revealed, even to you."
Lina looked a little stunned. "Inferior..." she finally said. "Well, now that makes some things fall into perspective. I never could figure out why she kept hanging around me when we always got into fights. Now I think I see. By constantly challenging me she was trying to prove, on an unconcious level, to herself perhaps, that she was a good sorceress! I never saw it that way. But it makes sense! And I should have know, I have some of that too, thanks to my own past." "Well, but who says that you were ready to see it when you were younger? After all, you have your own life to live too." replied the King in a kindly way. Lina nodded. "So how did you become such a philosopher King, Alfred?" she asked.
The King thought for a minute then said "Hmmm, well I guess it has to do with my time as a young man. Knowing I was going to become King one day and that I'd have to lead the people, not just the army, I went and joined an organisation of religious warrior monks that live up in some hills far north of here. They practice all things they think are needful for a warrior to know. Martial arts, of course. Empty handed fighting, weapons of all sorts, horsemanship, strategy and tactics. Even some of the more esoteric aspects of war, like how to command, espionage, administration, oh boy is there a lot of that! But that's important, if you can run an army, you can run a nation, and running an army is work! And they cultivate the spirit as well as the body and mind. There are meditative practices, philosophy, self discipline and control, and for those of us who do well, even advanced techniques of mind control. Not magic, but ways of drawing upon inner strength when you need it. For example, there is the "spirit shout", where you seek to project not just noise when you yell, but a burst of spiritual force designed to confound the enemy. It works, with a lot of practice. For me it was exciting. And they do challenge you to think about things, such as life. so I guess that's the answer to your question.
Of course, such a life had a few other twists too, for example, being that these were monks it naturally precluded having much contact with women, and especially intimate contact, so, the fact was, when Gracia found me I was running the country fairly well but was as untouched as she was, at an age when most kings probably were working on their sixth or seventh mistress, or were expanding their harems by as much. I think she appreciates the fact I have only ever known her that way. It was all I had to offer when she surprised me on our wedding night with her ring, and the fact she was a real princess. I never would have guessed that part."
"Oh you weren't the only one surprised by that revelation, trust me" said Lina. "That veiled thing she did all trip long fooled me, that and the fact she never talked much above a whisper, until, after finally getting Arthur into Prince Phil's lap, she suddenly whipped her veil off and revealed herself. I can only hope the fit I had made her happy, she sure got me that time I admit." she added with a shake of her head. "But, why was I startled?" she went on with a laugh. "She always did like her grand entrances! But I spent about two years running around with her, and sometimes we were pretty intimate, due to circumstances. You know, huddled around a fire, no one else to talk to, sharing a blanket on occasion due to cold. Or relaxing in a hot spring, soaking our cares away, and not always with a bathing suit handy either. In some ways we have few secrets between us, but that one she managed to keep real close. Well, now that it's out it makes sense. And I understand a bit better what makes her tick.
Well, well, she has made peace with her past I think and is making peace with all those she hurt because of it. I'm happy for her, heck, it was hard for me to admit for a long time, because she was so much her own person, but deep down inside, I love her as a friend. I love her sister Amilia too, and I feel close to her, but perhaps surprisingly, it is Naga I feel closer to, probably because we have so much in common." The King chuckled. "Yes it sounds like you know her well Lina. And I am glad she has such a friend as you. Especially in her wandering years, you were just what she needed. Oh well, look at the sun, it is getting late, and I must get going. I have an appointment with my son tonight!" He smiled knowingly at Lina and added "And I believe you have an appointment with a hot tub that hasn't been used since my grandmother's day, and that only when she was older and prefered to soak alone to sooth her infirmities. I thank you for this talk Lina, I hope we both understand each other a bit better, and that it will only be the first of many, not the only one we ever have. But for now, I bid you goodnight, and pleasant dreams after a pleasant evening!" With that the King made his way out of the garden, and Lina did as well, heading for her chambers and a hot tub party!
