this chapter is dedicated to Boone

Conformist

I just don't know. I can't do anything. I feel so…lost. Please help me God.

"Charlie! Where's Liam? He missed sound check again," Sinjin called as I walked onto the stage. This isn't the first time Liam's pulled a stunt like this. Ever since that last concert in Manchester, Liam's been shirking the rehearsals and suddenly disappearing after each show. I just don't know what to do with him. Sighing, I walked back towards the dressing rooms.

I could hear laughter and Liam's voice coming from the band's green room. I stopped at the door, ok, don't let him get away this time Charlie. I slowly walked in and braced myself.

Liam was lounging on the couch, two birds by his side, two more eating from the catering table.

"Oh luvs, I wouldn't mind if you two would come on tour with us," Liam cooed at the two women at his side. He looked up and finally noticed me.

"Hey baby brother! Grab a bird and sit down, relax, take your mind off your troubles."

The women started to look in my direction; I put a stern look on face and pushed the two girls who were eating out the door.

"All of you out. Go on!" I came closer to the two girls by Liam's side, "Come on get out!"

Liam looked at bit confused; the girls angrily stared at me and got up from the couch. Liam reached out and pulled one down by her low ridding pants, "Come back later luv," he whispered, the annoyance clearly evident in his voice.

I brushed past the girls and faced my brother.

"Where were you?" I asked, the hurt coming to my face.

"Where was I what?" Liam asked, downing a rather large glass of champagne.

"You missed sound check again!"

He got up and walked over to the mirrors, "Oh you know what, I'll make it up to you, I promise."

I felt like slapping him at that moment.

"Liam, what the 'ell is going on?"

He picked up a black film canister; I knew what was inside, it had become a usual thing.

Heroine.

"My God Liam…you've turned into a junkie…"

My brother stared at me, "What did you say?" He came close, so close I could smell the alcohol on his breath; see the deep dark rings under his eyes.

I have to make a stand.

"You know that's it! We're canceling the rest of the tour and we walk away like we promised," I stared him straight in the eyes. I can't let him destroy Drive Shaft or our family.

Liam looked livid, "What? We can't cancel; we're at the top of the charts! And why would we want to walk away now, this is our shot, our only shot at fame Charlie!"

I angrily grabbed the drugs out of his hands.

"Liam, this junk's ruining your life! You've turned into a bloody addict!" I threw it on the floor. Liam's face turned red.

I felt the cold hard wall as he pushed all his weight against me.

"You think you know don't you baby brother. Who are you to tell me what to?"

I couldn't believe this was he, Liam, my big brother and friend. What he said next; destroyed me.

"You're nothing Charlie. Who cares about Charlie Pots? I'm the bloody face of Drive Shaft! Not you, you're just the silly bass player who has no life." He brushed past me in a huff.

I called after him, "Liam!"

"Piss off!" He slammed the door hard, the sound reverberating throughout my brain.

I slunk down at the nearest dresser and cried.

Why God why! Why are you doing this to me? Haven't I been a good brother?

I fingered the remaining film canisters; what's left for me to do? I don't know what to do anymore!

Liam's still got a bit of stash left over. What must I do to end all this pain, all this misery? I look at the heroine in the bag. No, does it have to be this way?

My cold tears wet the plastic bag as I take it out; to think that this yellow wonder dust could turn my brother in a monster.

I choked back a sob as I took my first hit.

This is for you Liam…