I own nothing.

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Carrie opened her eyes hesitantly, not entirely sure whether she wanted to know where she was or not. She started with her left eye. Stars. All right. She opened her right eye. More stars. But, she realized with a frown, they were a bit brighter than they had ever been at home and the air had an impossibly clean, fresh smell wait, check that. Something reeked. Carrie wrinkled her nose, sat up, and immediately hissed a very rude word under her breath.

Her feet were bare. And large. And hairy. She was wearing a simple cotton dress, a dress! She wrinkled her nose in further disgust. Around her neck was one of those gray cloaks the fellowship had received. It itched. She reached up to tug at it and noticed that her hands were bound. Peachy, she thought, looking around. To her right was a large group of arguing Uruk-hai. To her left oh, God

"Daisy!" Merry and Pippin grinned at her and started crawling over to her side.

"Who the fork oh, you mean me. I'm Daisy." Carrie nodded slowly. "At least it's not Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen. I can't believe she made me a forking hobbit Sue this sucks I wonder if Legolas is back as well?"

"Who is Litheriwhatever?" Pippin asked, perplexed.

"What's a Sue?" Merry wondered.

"Who's Legolas?" they both asked in unison.

Carrie's eyes bulged. "Legolas! You know, the elf!"

"Elf?" Pippin looked adorably confused.

"Maybe she means Elrond," Merry suggested.

"I don't mean Elrond! I mean Legolas! The only elf in the fellowship!" Carrie cried, aghast.

"Daisy," Merry said slowly, "there is no elf in the fellowship."

"Yeah, that would make ten of us!" Pippin snorted. "Don't be silly!"

"Did the Uruk-hai hit you?" Merry asked, eyes darkening with concern. "Let me check" He started inspecting the back of her head, gently running his hands through her much-longer-and-curlier-than-usual hair.

"Hey!" Pippin looked annoyed. "Stop that!"

"Yeah, you're in my bubble," Carrie said, scooting away. Merry glared at Pippin, who grinned smugly.

"You see, Merry? She doesn't appreciate your advances!" He looked like he wanted to fold his arms, but his hands were bound, so he just sort of flapped them a bit.

"Shut up, Pippin," Merry growled.

"Whoa" Carrie scooted farther away from both of them. "Hold the phone! Just just whoa!" She held up her hands defensively. "No just what?!" She lowered her hands and looked completely baffled. Merry and Pippin exchanged a glance.

"Phone?" Pippin looked confused again.

"They must have hit her awfully hard," Merry said, frowning. "Are you all right, Daisy?"

"No," Carrie said calmly. "No, I'm not not if this is what I think it is"

"Do you think we've been captured by a group of Uruk-Hai? Because that's what happened," Pippin said helpfully.

"You!" Carrie pointed at Pippin. "You! Stop being an idiot!"

"What?" The Took scratched his head awkwardly.

"You heard her, Pip!" Merry said victoriously. "She thinks you're an idiot!"

Pippin looked as if he'd been punched in the stomach. His eyes started to tear as he turned to Carrie. "Daisy, is that true?"

"Yes! Well..." Carrie felt a stab of guilt. "No, not really. Jeez, don't cry; I've had to deal with enough of that already. And YOU," she pointed to Merry, "YOU'RE supposed to be his FRIEND! What's the big idea?!" Carrie blinked. She realized that she had just spoken in a Yorkshire accent. Had that been happening the whole time?! "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain," she said experimentally, then clutched at her throat and hacked. Merry and Pippin started in alarm. "Accent!" Carrie yelped between coughs, thumping her breastbone with her palm as if she could force it out of her. "Accent! Won't go away"

"Daisy, stop!" Merry cried. "You'll hurt yourself!" He seal-flopped over to where Carrie was sitting and grabbed her hands in his own.

"Hey!" Pippin started wriggling over as quickly as he could. "Don't do that!"

"Waugh!" Carrie jerked her hands away and started scooting away rapidly. Merry followed her and Pippin followed him, like a demented hobbit bondage train. This might have continued for quite some time, but one of the orcs noticed the activity and blew the whistle.

"'Ey! Look, they're tryin' to escape!"

"Not from you," Carrie said to the orc in exasperation, "from these two!" But her protests went unheeded, and all three were hoisted to their feet by their cloaks.

"Let her go!" Pippin kicked violently. "Don't hurt her!"

"If you lay one hand on her," Merry blazed, not to be outdone, "so help me, I'll-"

"You'll what?" the Uruk-hai who had Carrie sneered. Pippin ceased his kicking as Merry's eyes filled with tears of frustration. Carrie almost wanted to laugh. She considered herself a bit of a hobbit fancier, maybe even a pervy one, but this was just ridiculous. She looked up at the Uruk-hai who was holding her.

"Hi, there," she said pleasantly. The Uruk shook her lightly, and the two hobbits began thrashing again.

"You'll speak when spoken to," the Uruk-hai growled.

"Dude, you totally stole that from Pirates of the Caribbean."

"Quiet, you little maggot!" he shook her again. Merry and Pippin started cursing while they struggled.

"But you just spoke to me!" Carrie objected, looking up at her captor.

"Don't call her that!" Merry shouted.

"She's not a maggot! You're not, Daisy!" Pippin added fervently, as if Carrie really needed the reassurance that she was a person and not a grub.

Merry and Pippin were cuffed into submission. She winced. "Just stop struggling, you two, I'm all right," she said. They actually listened, and the orcs quit hitting them. Well, that was progress. Since the two of them didn't look like they were about to do anything wise or canon anytime soon, she turned back to the Uruk-hai who was still pondering the last thing she had said. "You really ought to treat us a bit less roughly, you know. Your boss will be angry if it gets spoiled in any way." She raised her eyebrows significantly. The orc on speed looked down at her, recognition slowly growing in his eyes. He let go of her, and the other two holding Merry and Pippin followed suit. The two hobbits immediately rushed up to her.

"Are you all right?" Pippin asked, touching her arm with his hands. Carrie backed away from him and straight into Merry, who looked as if he had enjoyed it.

"I'm fine," she assured them, backing away from both of them. "Really. No need for you to touch me."

"Are you sure?" Merry asked.

"I'm positive!" Carrie replied immediately. Before either of the two hobbits could do or say anything further, one of the Uruk-hai commented that he was starving. Carrie could have thanked him for the subject shift.

"Yeah," whined the orc with the nasal voice, "why can't we have some meat?" He looked at Merry, Pippin, and Carrie; the former two moving protectively in front of the latter. "What about them? They're fresh!"

"Actually," Carrie piped up, "I'm two days past my expiration date."

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Legolas woke up the next morning and immediately wished that he hadn't. His head was throbbing unpleasantly; that strange brew he had been drinking packed more of a punch than he had anticipated. He opened an eye and blearily gazed up into the glassy amber eyes of Jaques, Carrie's giant teddy bear. Its eye gleamed dully in the early morning light, creeping the elf out. Legolas looked at the clock, but the liquid crystal numbers meant nothing to him. He sat up slowly, blinking his eyes back into focus. Randi was asleep on her bed. Looking at her, the elf felt a rush of sorrow and disappointment, which he squashed ruthlessly. He'd wasted enough of his time on her The elf rubbed his temples, then turned to look at Carrie's bed. It was empty.

It took a moment for this to fully register. Then he stood up, staggered over to Randi's bed, and poked her none too gently.

"Augh" Randi grumbled, squinting up at him. "Oh, it's you. Don't forking TOUCH me!"

"Carrie is not in her bed," Legolas said, frowning down at Randi. "Where has she gone?"

"How the fork should I know?" Randi squinted at her clock. "Jeez, you woke me up at five in the morning" her eyes widened slowly.

"What?" Legolas asked worriedly.

"The Carrie I know," Randi said slowly, "would never willingly go anywhere this early. So either she's in the bathroom or something fishy went down last night."

"Something fishy went down?" Legolas repeated slowly, not having understood a single word.

"Something happened to her, and it probably wasn't good," Randi translated irritably. "I'm going to go check the bathroom. You wait here." She swung her legs out of bed, put on her slippers, and shuffled out of the room. Legolas paced, trying to get his jumbled thoughts into some semblance of order. Randi walked back in, and he looked up hopefully.

"Nothing," Randi said quietly. "She's gone."

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Yeah I'm not liking ff.net so much right now.