Woo! I got over 300 reviews! And I'm only on chapter eight! I love you guys soooo forking much; you have no idea! (gives OOC, lovesick fellowship members to reviewers). You can keep them! Or you can rehabilitate them and release them back into the wild. Your choice. And, in case you wondering, I don't own LOTR.
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"Gone?" Legolas repeated incredulously, a note of panic creeping into his voice. "Gone?! She can't be!"
"Well, she is," Randi snapped impatiently, running a hand through her hair. "I don't have any other ideas."
"We have to find out where she's gone and get her back!" Legolas said. Randi raised her eyebrows at him, a smirk spreading across her features.
"Miss her, do you?" she asked craftily. Legolas turned pink.
"She has been kind to me," he said slowly, and Randi snorted.
"Kind," she repeated, then giggled.
"She's your rooma, or whatever you called her, don't you miss her?"
"It's roomy, not rooma. I don't know if I can miss someone who's only been gone for five minutes, but I'm worried about her, yeah," Randi frowned. "Well, there's still a chance that this is something totally innocent -"
Randi was cut off by a long, gleeful cackle. As the two watched, a swarm of papers, books, and other school supplies began to crawl towards the center of the room, congealing together into a clunky likeness of
"Celestina Windbreaker!" Randi snapped. "Nice trick, you flashy biatch."
The Shakespeare paper that served for Celestina's face crinkled into a nasty grin. "Do you like it? I would come down personally, but mother could show up at any minute." Legolas looked absolutely terrified. Randi couldn't help noticing that the Goddess had managed to use folders and papers that completely clashed with one another. It was disgusting.
"What the heck do you" Randi's eyes widened in sudden realization. "What in the hell did you do with my roommate, you psycho?!"
"Oh, she's perfectly all right, as far as I know," Celestina said airily. "We had a chat. She refused to cooperate, so I made her a hobbit Sue. I must say, she's awfully cute in the quaint little cotton number I gave her. She'll drive Merry and Pippin wild."
"Merry AND Pippin?!" Randi shrieked. "How come I got stuck with him?!" She pointed at Legolas, who was scowling furiously.
"They'd better not touch her," he growled, his hands curling into fists.
"Well, there's nothing you can do about it." Celestina's paper-face frowned at Legolas. "You aren't in her story at all anymore as it should be!" She looked significantly from Legolas to Randi and back.
"Oh, no" Randi folded her arms and glared at the goddess. "When are you going to get it?! I will never, ever, EVER fall in love with Legolas, and he's never going to get with ME, because I've been banging my boyfriend for nearly a YEAR now!"
"Well, you really should have waited until you were married," Celestina said primly. Then she turned with a rustle towards Legolas, who took an involuntary step backwards. Something about Paper!Celestina was just undeniably creepy, even compared to her normal self. "You are aware," she said in a simpering sweet voice, "that for your Lady there, sex is NOT the same thing as marriage, right?"
"It it's not?" Legolas looked from Randi to Celestina and back.
"Oh, no," Celestina said with a smirk. "No, not at all. She could still marry you if she wanted to. And I'm sure, deep down, that she does."
"Hey!" Randi objected. Before anyone could say anything further, Celestina's paper head (complete with post-it-note hair) whipped around in shock.
"Shit!" The goddess hissed, and the pile of school supplies abruptly collapsed to the floor. Legolas blinked, then turned to Randi.
"Is what she said true?"
"Yes," Randi said flatly, "and so was what I said."
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"They are not for eating," growled one of the Uruks.
"Yeah, we've been running around in the wild a lot; I bet we're all gamey," Carrie said with a grin. The shock of being in some terrible AU Mary Sue fic had been replaced with a mild form of insanity. Consequently, Carrie was cheerful to an almost manic degree. The whole thing was preposterous; she might as well enjoy herself.
"What about their legs?" Another, uglier orc voiced his opinion. "They don't need those." Pippin and Merry looked down at their legs nervously; Carrie giggled.
The argument escalated in movie verse, with Merry and Pippin scrambling back and forth to stand between her and whatever the perceived threat was at the time. It was nice, in a way; when the nasally-voiced orc was beheaded, his noggin bounced off them and not her on its way to the ground. Then the Uruks started tearing into the corpse, more or less ignoring the three hobbits. After a moment Carrie tapped Pippin on the shoulder (he looked flattered) and suggested that perhaps they ought to sneak off in the confusion. And sneak off they did or tried to, anyway. Ugly orc number 12 decided to chase after them. He pinned Pippin in the grass and drew his rusty sword.
"Keep moving," Merry urged, shoving Carrie forward (and, Carrie thought, copping a feel as he did so).
"What about Pippin? And don't touch my ass."
"What donkey?" Merry looked confused, then shrugged. "Pippin can er catch up." He looked nervously over his shoulder and gave Carrie another light shove.
"He's your friend," Carrie exclaimed, disgusted, not budging. Merry had the decency to look slightly ashamed of himself.
"Go on call out for help. Squeal," the orc hissed down at the terrified Pippin. "No one's gonna save you now." He was, of course, immediately skewered by a wooden shaft of irony. Pippin slipped out from underneath the writhing orc and caught up to the other two, who continued crawling along amidst the chaos of battle. Pippin, in a moment of usefulness, found a discarded axe and used it to saw through the rope that bound his hands. Within a few minutes, they were all free and tearing like heck under and around the horses and orcs towards Fangorn Forest. As soon as they were well within the canopy of trees, they stopped for a breather.
"Welcome to Fangorn, where all your dreams come true!" Carrie said sarcastically, looking at the trees with a mixture of fascination and nervousness.
"I think we lost him," Pippin said breathlessly. But the call of irony was irresistible, and ugly orc number 12 came staggering into the forest, somehow walking despite his injury. Merry and Pippin each grabbed one of Carrie's hands and tugged her along as they fled further into the trees, the orc calling rude things after them.
"The trees," Merry urged, "climb a tree!" Daisy looked up at the tree they were next to and started to climb.
"Excuse me, Mr. Treebeard," she muttered over and over under her breath until she reached the top. Pippin was below her, and Merry the furthest down. Pippin was looking up at her in what seemed to be concern only his eyes weren't really meeting hers. Carrie squinted suspiciously. "Hey! Stop looking up my dress!" Merry's head snapped up in surprise; he overbalanced and fell with a little cry. Pippin started guiltily and lowered his gaze, bright red. The orc started purposefully towards Merry, who was scrambling backwards in terror.
"Merry!" Pippin shouted in a long, drawn-out fashion.
Several things happened in rapid succession. The orc pinned Merry down with a foot. Treebeard opened his eyes and blinked. Pippin squealed and nearly fell out of the ent, but was caught by one of Treebeard's branch-hands. The orc was flattened, Merry attempted to run and was rapidly caught up as well. Carrie was left more or less alone; she couldn't have jumped to safety, and Treebeard only had two hands. The ent regarded Merry and Pippin with suspicion.
"Little orcs, booraroom!" he rumbled, stomping through the forest while Pippin and Merry struggled in his grasp.
"Don't hurt Daisy!" Pippin cried. "Whatever you do, please don't hurt Daisy!" Carrie snorted. Of the three of them, she was the only one who WASN'T in immediate danger of being squished until her internal organs popped out of her eyes. What was the Took thinking? WAS he thinking?! She guessed not. Her point was proven further when Pippin blinked and looked at the ent in astonishment. "It's talking! The tree is talking!"
"A bit of a delayed reaction there," Carrie mumbled, rolling her eyes.
"Tree? I am no tree! I am an ent." Treebeard rumbled.
"Tree-herder," Merry grinned in recognition. "A shepherd of the forest!" he looked up at Daisy, his grin widening. "Don't be frightened, Daisy! He won't eat you!"
"Do I look as if I'm shaking in my little space boots?!" Carrie snapped.
"Don't talk to it, Merry," Pippin advised, forgetting that he had talked to it five seconds ago. "Don't encourage it!"
Unfortunately, the ent needed no encouragement. "Treebeard some call me."
"And who's side are you on?" Pippin asked nervously.
"Side? I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side, little orc."
"This Nobody person sure is nice, being on your side and all," Carrie said quietly, leaning back and watching the canopy whoosh by over her head. "Wheeee trippy!"
"We're not orcs," Merry said, "we're hobbits!"
"Hobbits?" Treebeard looked thoughtful. "Never heard of a hobbit before." He frowned, slowly tightening his grip. "Sounds like orc mischief to me! They come with fire, they come with axes"
"GNAAAWING, BITING, BREAKINGHACKINGBURNING!" Carrie bellowed along with the ent in her best Treebeard impression (which wasn't all that good). Treebeard didn't seem to notice.
"Destroyers and usurpers, curse them!" Treebeard finished, stomping along bad-temperedly.
"We're not orcs," Merry repeated, struggling. "We're hobbits! Halflings! Shirefolk!" Pippin nodded in frantic agreement, but they were squeezed tighter. Carrie leaned down and rapped on the side of Treebeard's head.
"You can loosen up just a bit," she advised. Treebeard looked at her in surprise, as if he hadn't noticed her until just that moment. Evidently he listened; a moment later Merry and Pippin visibly relaxed and sent her grateful, moony glances.
"Maybe you are, and maybe you arent," Treebeard said finally. "The white wizard will no."
"White wizard?" Pippin repeated in a despairing whisper.
"Saruman," Merry's eyes widened.
"WOO!" Carrie shouted, causing several birds to take flight in alarm. "The white wizard! BOOYA!" She pumped a fist in the air, banging it into a branch. "Ow"
Before either hobbit could ask her if she was all right, the two were dumped unceremoniously in front of a glowing, white-robed figure. Carrie half climbed, half jumped down to the ground, curtsied as prettily as she could (which wasn't all that prettily), grinned, and chirped, "Howdy!"
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Well, that's it for now! ^_^ Thanks muchly to all of my absolutely wonderful reviewers! I'm over 350 reviews! It's insane! You're all the best! So (bursts into song, to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
Christy the badger and Katherine, who knows
Part of the ending, and A. Silver Rose,
Laureline, Akai-Sakura as well,
All my reviewers are totally swell!
My good pal Roseblade and Ta-habby Kitten,
Levanna, Steph, and Mireiswen
AAAClub and Megan Sleevewillow
My reviewers are the best people I know!
Syth Colbalt and Daisy, Dark, Dailight,
(three alter egos that often will fight)
Morning Mist, Tashilover, poketmouse
All my reviewers are in da house!
Skimbleshanks! Leo Cole! And Spoofmaster, toooooo
Pyro She-devil, I just love you all!
I could not write wiiiiiiiiiith oooout yoooouuuuuu!!!
(switches to the tune of "You'll be in my Heart" for some reason)
Rachel the insane Unicorn
DiamondTook3, do you like corn? (a/n I NEEDED A RHYME!!)
Satara and Aindel S. Druida,
You are way cool; you reviewed!
ElvenPirate41
And Gamgeefest, you're both so fun
Coolio02, and Witch of Darkness,
I love you four people too!
Raaaaandom Characterrrrr
TannnnQUESSieeellllll
Alex202 and
Ladyyyy Laaaswennnnnnnn
Jessica Simpsonnnnn
Glad you learned how to reeead
SailorKaaaatoChan you rock
(switches again, now to the tune of "Beauty and the Beast")
Scap and awkward, toooooooo
Crimson Starlight, woooooooo!!
Athena Diagon Caaat
Katla is so phaaaaat
In an awesome waaaaaaaayyyyyyy
And Media12
Guava Nancers too
Phaidra's a cult fan
Though ff.net banned
CoTR boooooooo
Fuji the Hobbit
And PineAppleLint
Everybody rocks
Drawers full of my socks
I'm glad you reviewwwwwed (dramatic swell in music)
THESIRIUSSPARRROOOOOOWWWWW!!
HIRINARA TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
SIGIL GALEN'S COOOOOOOOOL
DRAGON EMPRESS RUUUUUUUULES
TIME FOR THE KEY CHAAAAAAANGE!! (key change!)
Huineso-horonnnnnnnn
JondyX5210
Pretendingtobesane
Hope you all remain
Giving me revieeewwwwsssss (music gets all soft and slow)
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel1
MetalKatt, I'm done!
And I love reviewwwwwwwws
Hint, hint ;-) Seriously, I love you all bunches! Hope you liked the musical bit, hehehe.
~Platy
