Platy bounced in her chair and screeched, "OVER 500 REVIEWS! YOU ALL ROCK! And it's time for another disclaimer!! Woo!"

Hcagney looked around and beamed. "I'm here! All of my dreams have come true!"

Jack rolled his eyes and took a swig of rum. "You need to get out more, luv."

Platy scowled. "Hey, be nice!" She smacked Jack upside the head. "If you're a jerk, Natasha is NEVER going to return your hat, you know."

"She ran awful fast" Jack grumbled sullenly, mourning the loss of his hat.

Hcagney grinned at Jack. "Your motor skills might be better if you didn't chug rum 24-7."

Jack growled at her.

Platy squirted Jack with a water bottle that she had used to train her puppies. "BAD Jack! You can go ahead and do the disclaimer now, hcagney."

Hcagney grinned. "Platy doesn't own LOTR or Pirates or anything you recognize, but she DOES own Celestina and Randi and Carrie! So don't sue if it is yours, and don't steal if it's not! ON WITH THE STORY!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Legolas hefted his weapons again. Randi stared at him.

"What the heck are you doing? I told you, you're never going to find her!"

"I am not going to try to find Lady Carrie," Legolas explained, straightening.

"Then where are you going? Squirrel hunting?"

"I am going to find that woman who was here a few moments ago."

Randi gaped. "Um you know, she can poof here when she wants to, but ONLY when she wants to. It's not like she has a forking shack in the bluffs or something."

"If we find her," Legolas said, "she could lead us to Lady Carrie."

"But she wouldn't," Randi argued, trying to keep her voice even. "Don't you get that? The last thing she wants is for you to find Carrie; she'll do everything in her power to keep you two apart!"

"She cannot hide forever," Legolas said simply.

"She can hide for a long time," Randi pointed out. "And even supposing you DO find her, she's never going to let you anywhere near Carrie. You might as well just stay put and conserve energy."

Legolas stared at Randi for a moment. "The Fellowship of the Ring," he began in a dramatic tone of voice, "was not formed to do a task that anyone considered easy. There were many who doubted; many who thought that there was no way we could possibly succeed." He was picking up steam, now. "But one little hobbit was able to save the whole of Middle Earth against all odds! There is a very real and important lesson to be learned there, being-"

"That Celestina is still never going to let you find her, or let you near Carrie," Randi finished flatly, folding her arms. "Look, Celestina isn't waging a war. Her sole focus is getting the two of us together. She has nothing else to worry about! It's not like you can sneak around and plot things without her noticing. Believe me, I've tried! I spent months doing everything in my power to outwit her, but every time I found a loophole, she just tweaked the rules! In one case, she rewrote the rules entirely. The only reason I got away was because her mother intervened; as far as I know, she can't be beaten." Randi's eye twitched. She rubbed it till it stopped.

Legolas looked at her mildly. "Well, we can still try."

"Well, failing miserably tends to depress me after a while." Randi flopped sideways onto her pillow.

"You said" Legolas pursed his lips thoughtfully, "that her mother intervened?"

"Yes," Randi said into her pillow.

"Can we find her mother?"

Randi sat up slowly. "I didn't think of that." She scratched her chin, staring out the window. "How to appeal to the Goddess of Canon"

"Does she have an altar nearby?" Legolas suggested. Randi looked at him sideways, wondering it they had altars in Middle Earth, and if not, how he knew about them.

"We don't exactly worship fanfic Goddesses around here." Randi giggled. "That would make us pagans or something, hee hee hee!" She composed herself, then furrowed her brow thoughtfully. "There isn't an altar for her, but there is an altar up for grabs!" She jumped off the bed, suddenly much happier, and grabbed her copy of The Lord of the Rings, which was all three books in one volume and which was actually her roommate's. But it wasn't like Carrie would be needing it. "Come on!" She led Legolas outside and around their dorm building, passing through one of the maintenance parking and storage areas. She walked past the silent, unmoving snowplows (which Legolas regarded with suspicion) and up to the edge of the woods.

There was a small structure there, made of roughly-hewn slices of blue and violet marble stacked into three conjoined arches, with a smooth shelf-like alter attached to the middle wall. From a distance it vaguely resembled an oven, but up close it was clearly an out-of-use, outdoor place of worship. It still sparkled like new, though. And its location was ideal; no one would see them. Randi wished half-heartedly that candles weren't banned on campus, then opened the book and flipped around, looking for some Legolas dialogue. Finding some, she handed Legolas the book and stood before the altar, raising her hands.

"Oh, great goddess of canon!" Randi said in a sepulchral tone. "Hear our pleas for mercy and sanity! Purge the elf of his hideously OOC ways -" here Legolas made an insulted little noise, "-and free the earth from his unwanted and just plain wrong presence!"

"Hey!" Legolas objected.

"Shut up and read," Randi hissed out of the corner of her mouth, hands still piously upraised.

"I can't do both," Legolas pointed out, frowning. "And I can't read this writing."

"What?! Are elves illiterate?!" She adopted her priestess voice again. "Oh mighty Goddess of Canon, remove the illiterate elf!"

"No," Legolas said with strained patience. "But we write in elvish, not whatever this is."

Randi grumbled in frustration and jerked the book away. "Fine. Repeat after me. 'I do not think that any would come.'"

"I do not think that any would come," Legolas said, looking doubtful.

"'They have no need to ride to war.'"

"They have no need to ride to war."

"'War already marches on their own lands.'"

"Why am I saying this? What war?"

"REPEAT THE DAMN LINE!"

"War already marches on their own lands!" Legolas scowled. "There! Happy?"

"Shh!" Randi hissed, holding up a hand. Legolas rolled his eyes. There was complete and utter silence.

A robin chirped.

"Nothing is happening," Legolas observed.

"Damn it," Randi slumped. "Well, scratch appealing to the Goddess of Canon, then."

"I wouldn't 'scratch it,' as you say," Legolas shrugged. "Perhaps we are simply going about it the wrong way."

"Well, forgive me for never having worshipped obscure deities before," Randi muttered sullenly. "What, then, do you suggest we do?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Carrie awoke slowly. Something felt very wrong. Without moving, opening her eyes, or giving any indication that she was nearly fully awake, she tried to take stock of her situation. The first thing she noticed was a low noise that she assumed was the wind, until she realized that it was actually a whole lot of furious whispering.

"Keep your voice down," Pippin hissed quietly. "You'll wake her up."

"That's fine; it'll force you to get your bloody paws off her!"

Carrie suddenly realized exactly what was going on and, through an impressive display of willpower, suppressed a groan. An arm - undoubtedly Pippin's - tightened around her protectively. Oh, God, she thought, it's like waking up with a complete stranger after a wild night on the town, only worse because I can't sneak off! Not that I've ever woken up with a stranger from a bar but I imagine it would be like this.

"I haven't done anything but sit here," Pippin whispered defensively. "And perhaps if you hadn't slept clear through her suicide attempt, we wouldn't be in this position. Not that I mind," he added smugly. There was a short pause, during which Carrie imagined Merry turning all pale and looking horrified.

"Suicide attempt?" Merry sounded horrified, at least. Carrie fought back a giggle by thinking 'it's not funny' over and over to herself.

"She attacked a tree, and was planning to do more, I'm sure." There was a brief rustle of fabric, probably Pippin giving her a tender glance. "Good thing one of us isn't a lazy oaf. I was able to avert it."

"Don't call me lazy," Merry growled. "And perhaps if one of us wasn't being an annoying idiot, she wouldn't have been driven to a suicide attempt!"

"She told me she didn't think I was an idiot! I heard it from her own rosy-red lips! And I rather think it was your constant advances that upset her, not mine."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, let's see who has her sleeping in his arms, and who doesn't?" Carrie could hear the smirk in Pippin's voice. At this point, she decided that she had heard enough and it was time to 'wake up,' so she made a show of yawning, stretching, and sitting up. As she rubbed her eyes theatrically, Pippin's arm was smacked off of her shoulders by an irate Merry. He then hoisted her to her feet despite her complaining groan and looked her over worriedly.

"Did he take advantage of you?" Merry asked quietly, his eyes dark with concern as he rested his hands on her shoulders.

Carrie gaped at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. She felt a little bad about giggling at his concern, but at the same time, the idea of Puppin successfully taking advantage of anyone was beyond hilarious. He was OOC, certainly, but he wasn't a player, for Pete's sake! He wasn't clever enough to be a player! Besides, Carrie had her morals. Having sex with either of them was out of the question, even without the Sue factor. She barely knew them. Merry was still looking at her very seriously, so she composed herself enough to answer.

"No, he didn't take advantage of me, Merry," Carrie assured him, removing his hands from her shoulders and stepping away from the both of them. "First of all, he doesn't strike me as that type of person, and secondly, I'm not a completely helpless weakling."

"I wasn't implying that!" Merry looked horrified again.

"You were so!" Pippin countered cheerfully. "He's such an egotistical jerk, Daisy, you wouldn't believe it"

"Shut UP!" Merry dove at Pippin, who yelped and ran over to hide behind Carrie.

"You're just upset because I revealed your true nature!" Pippin taunted from behind his very effective hobbit shield. "You think women are weeeak!" Carrie rolled her eyes as Merry kept darting around her in an attempt to get at Pippin without hurting her, all the while reassuring her that he really wasn't like that at all.

"I'm really not like that at all, Daisy," Merry insisted between his homicidal lunges.

"He is! He is!" Pippin shouted victoriously, grinning like a madman. "Look, he's afraid to touch you! He thinks you'll break! Because you're a lass!"

"I'm going to KILL you, Pippin!" Merry lunged again, and Pippin scrambled out from behind Daisy and around the boulder. His bestest best friend was in hot pursuit, shouting all sorts of creative death threats.

"Will you two stop it? You're acting infantile!" Carrie shouted, but for once, neither of them was listening to her. "Seriously! This is a huuuuge turn-off!" Still no indication that they were paying attention to anything other than the desire to hurt someone or avoid being hurt by someone.

There was a yelp from Pippin and a triumphant cry from Merry as the former was finally caught; this was rapidly followed by a frantic splashing sound. Carrie trotted around the boulder to witness the bizarre and frightening image of Merry holding Pippin's head under the surface of the pool of water while the younger hobbit struggled.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" Carrie shouted. Merry looked up, startled.

"What?" He asked innocently as if he wasn't in the act of murdering a cousin and childhood playmate.

"STOP IT!" Carrie marched over to Merry, wound up, and slapped him with all the power her arm possessed. He staggered backwards, hand on cheek, looking as if her smack had hurt him more than a thousand stabs from a red-hot poker followed by a lemon juice rinse ever could. She hauled Pippin out of the water by the hood of his cloak and thumped his back while he gasped for breath, all the while looking at Merry with the utmost disgust. As soon as Pippin had recovered enough to talk, he fell to his knees and hugged Carrie around the waist.

"You saved me!" He cried, soaking the front of her thankfully not white dress.

"Erm" Carrie patted the top of his head awkwardly, then stepped away and rounded on Merry. "What in the hell is your problem?!" she asked, struggling to keep her voice lowered. Merry looked down at his feet, tears sliding silently down his cheeks, one of which was bright red. "Pippin is your friend!" She turned and addressed Pippin, who was getting to his feet. "And he's your friend! And I'm sick of the two of you acting like asshats! Now shake hands and make up!"

Pippin eyed Merry nervously and inched forward. Merry took a reluctant step towards Pippin. They both stopped about three feet away from each other, leaned waaaay forward, and shook briskly before turning aside and acting like the shake had never happened.

"That doesn't count," Carrie said sharply. The two hobbits shook properly. "That's better. If I ever catch you two fighting again, I'm telling Treebeard to bash you against that boulder until you both splatter, understand?!" The hobbits blanched and nodded. "Good!" Carrie swept her hands together. "My job is done." She marched over to a sunny spot in the clearing and sat down to dry out her dress.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This one is a bit longer, eh? ^_^ And quickish! I was inspired, hehehe. And since it hasn't been TOO long, so I don't have TOO many reviews

Laureline: Well, we may find out what exactly Celestina wants next chapter. ;-)

Eccentric Banshee: Cool penname! Hehehe, very true. Thanks!

hcagney: You're up there! ^_^ Aww, you flatter me terribly! (blushes)

Pyro She-devil: None can resist the Comforting Pippin, hehehe.

Scap: I understood it! Glad you like Puppin he is a cutie, isn't he? ;-)

Hirilnara: (suffers from MS Academy withdrawal) I'm waiting with bated breath! Yeah, he probably has I was wondering who took my screw driver

CrazedElfStalker: Hahahaha, I'll make one just for you! (hands you a Legolas plushy) He says, "My Lady, I'm so glad I've found you!" and "She led me on for months and months" (complete with bottle-waving action!) and any other sayings are up to you. Don't be TOO dirty, now. :-P

Gilraen Ar-Feiniel1: Yeah, wasn't it MADNESS? And I hope this is soon enough for you. ^_^

dragon empress: Aww, just "kinda"? :-P POKE!

Athena Diagon Cat: Well, Merry tried

Megan Sleevewillow: Hehehehe, thanks. And he did! I named it Norman!

The Akai-Sakura: Oh, they do. (pets Puppin doll and purrs) They most certainly do! You'll be in one, no worries. ;-)

Dream Cast: Uh oh O_O

Leo Cole: Sorry I missed you on AIM today. :-\ But I'm updating again, so hopefully that makes up for it.

SailorKatoChanReborn: YOU LIVE! HUZZAH!

Meee: (gives you a Treebeard talking action figure that automatically sings whatever is currently on MTV in his slow, entish way) Thanks for the review! Hehehe!

Kathryn Bushore: The Baddies never win! ^_~

Anamaria Elentari: I wasn't about to type out that whole thing, hehehe. And Daisy ain't givin' you NUTHIN, Puppin!

Random Character: Just poke back!

Rachel the Insane Unicorn: That's what ANYONE would do, hehehehe.

Satara: Puppin needs to lay off the Old Toby. Oooh I always wanted one of these! (teaches partridge to whistle the Shire theme) Good birdie!

FrodoFollower: So many people switching names so confusing hehehe. Me, too. But don't tell anyone, or they'll lose all respect for me! :-P

Freaky Kiki: TOO LATE! Hehehe. That would be a lot of messages. Maybe if they were all different and entertaining or mildly threatening. :-P