Platy sighed heavily. "It's kinda funny that it's now, at the end of the year, when I have plenty that I really should be doing, that I decide to spend so much of my free time ficcing instead of doing homework. And I don't own anything, and so one, and so forth."

Jack lowered his bottle of rum, about to say something snide, and then abruptly spewed the recently-slugged mouthful of alcohol all over the floor in surprise. Platy looked disgusted.

"Ewww, what was that for?"

Jack pointed at the disclaimer with a trembling finger. "P p prose!" he managed to gasp out after a few seconds.

Platy rolled her eyes and nodded. "Yeah, another inconvenience courtesy of ff.net. Now, if there is chat format ANYWHERE in the chapter, the fic could be removed. That means no more fun disclaimers."

Will looked up from his tinker toys, wide-eyed. "They can't be fun anymore?!"

Platy took pity on the stupider of her two muses. "No, of course not. I was exaggerating."

"So let me get this straight," Jack said slowly, wiping the rum off of his face with his sleeve. "You could write an atrocious, unoriginal Mary-Sue, or some fic packed with graphic sex and rape that is easily accessible to anyone of any age who wants to read it, and it's all right as long as it follows all of the technical rules?"

Platy nodded dispiritedly. "Yep."

"But if you wrote a wonderful, clever fic with nothing more inappropriate than a few naughty words, you could still have it booted off because there are too many colons in the disclaimer?!"

"That about sums it up," Platy said with a nod. Then she had a minor explosion. "This is so stupid! EVERYONE has disclaimers in 'chat' form! AND, in an attempt to fix my disclaimers, the ends of half the chapters got cut off, so I had to either find them and upload them for what was the THIRD time, or REWRITE them from MEMORY! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FORKING PISSED OFF I WAS?!"

"Was?" Jack raised an eyebrow.

Platy sighed and shook her head sadly. "It's a dark day in ff.net history."

Will looked from the grim Platy to the horrified Jack and whimpered. "Can we please just get on with the story?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Celestina Windbreaker sat moodily on her bed, located under a large, purple willow tree in her butterfly meadow. She was fuming. She had never anticipated her grounding to be such a bloody nuisance.

"It's bad enough that I can only get quick glimpses of what that brat and her should-be lover-elf are doing when Mother is away," she said to her white tiger, J.J. "But now I have that Cathy girl in a positively twisted AU fic, and I can't even watch and enjoy it!" J.J. rowred in sympathy. "Oh, you're right," Celestina sighed, smiling benevolently as J.J. gnawed on a bunny. "It isn't like that girl is my main focus, anyway. The only reason I made her a Sue was to get her out of the picture, since Legolas was starting to fawn over her." J.J. cocked his head to one side adorably, a bit of sinew hanging out of the corner of his mouth. "Well, he would have started to fawn over her! I can tell these things! I'm a goddess! I'd go down and fix it, but Mother keeps popping in to check on me she nearly caught me that last time." Celestina flopped backwards, then frowned and picked at nonexistent dirt specks on her lime green and beige zebra-print dress. J.J. tossed the mangled bunny remains into the air and swatted at them playfully with a massive paw. "Well, Carly will have her hands full trying to keep Merry and Pippin at bay. She won't be able to find her way out anytime soon. Legolas will have to fall back in love with that brat! Then I can move on to something more interesting."

She rolled over onto her stomach. "Tell me what you think of this one, J.J. Elizabeth Swann has an evil twin sister, Jennifallison, who is secretly working for Barbossa, but then she sees Will Turner and her cold, stone heart begins to melt like a Wicked Witch of the West in the shower" her eyes suddenly widened. "Oh my dad! The Wicked Witch of the West must have never bathed! EEEWWWW!!" She shook her hands in a classic teen freak-out gesture and fell off the bed. J.J. shook his head in mild annoyance at the high-pitched noise. "Don't be silly, J.J.," Celestina said as she picked herself up, "you can't dry-clean a witch!"

"You do realize," a new voice said, "that tigers can't talk, don't you?"

Celestina scowled at the intruder. "What are you doing in my room? How many times to I have to tell you not to come in here?"

"Oh, stuff it," the intruder said casually. She leaned against the inaccurately silver and papery-barked trunk of the tree, her dark brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, wearing a long denim skirt and a black top. She looked around and wrinkled her nose. "This place looks like it came out of a Barbie commercial, sis. Why don't you redecorate?"

"Because I like it," Celestina sniffed. "It's far nicer and more airy than that hole you live in. Honestly, why don't you just move to earth and get an apartment?"

"It's not a hole just because it has walls and a ceiling," the new goddess said scornfully. "I need something on which to pin my Theban Band posters, don't I?"

Celestina glared at her sister. "You're sick, Claralinda, you know that?"

"No more sick than you," Claralinda retorted. "I merely build on relationships that already exist. That's a far sight better than your inventing disgustingly perfect people to waltz around in the works and turn the canon characters' heads."

"Get out of my room," Celestina said flatly, her violet and gold eyes flashing angrily. "Your fics are a disgrace!"

"Oh, come on," Claralinda grinned nastily. "You know that Legolas and Aragorn secretly want each other"

"BLASPHEMY! OUT!" Celestina threw a fuzzy, pink pillow at her sister, who cackled and dodged it. "OUT! OUT!" She continued shrieking and throwing things until Claralinda disappeared with a smooth whoosh.

Celestina moped on her bed. J.J. dropped the bunny carcass on the bed and nudged it towards her in an attempt to cheer her up. "Ew," Celestina banished it to the floor with a wave of her hand and a shower of lavender-scented glitter, and then sighed heavily. "I can't believe I'm related to her, J.J."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Well," Legolas said thoughtfully, "what got this goddess's attention last time?"

Randi furrowed her brow, remembering. "Boromir survived and the hobbits weren't captured. It was so grossly uncanon that she came down to fix it."

"Then it seems to me," Legolas said slowly, "that behaving in a 'canon' fashion is not the best way to get her to appear. It is the uncanon behavior that gets her attention."

Randi narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "Well, you're already out of character. What else are you doing to do? Put on a hula skirt and dance around?"

"That was not what I had in mind," he said, looking sideways at her. Randi gave him a long, uncomprehending stare, then her eyes widened.

"Oh no," she said, shaking her head and backing up a step. "NO! I have a boyfriend!"

"You don't have to mean it," Legolas said, rolling his eyes. "It might catch her eye."

"Catch her eye?!" Randi repeated incredulously. Then her eyes narrowed. "You just want an excuse to make out with me!" She pointed an accusing finger at Legolas, who looked thoroughly scandalized.

"I do not! I just want to get Lady Carrie back!"

"Aha! The truth comes out! You like her, do you?"

Legolas's eyes flashed. "Maybe I do!"

"Well" Randi waved her arms for a moment. "Well, fine! I don't mind!"

"Good!"

"Great!"

"Excellent!"

"Peachy!"

The two glared at each other for a moment.

"I think we should try the hula skirt," Randi said, breaking the silence.

"No!" Legolas scowled at her.

"You don't even know what a hula skirt is!"

"It doesn't sound flattering!"

"Oh, so you're willing to make out with me to get Carrie back, but not willing to do a little cross-dressing? Some boyfriend you are!"

"I am not her boyfriend, and I don't see the point of dressing up like a fool when there is a quicker and easier way of getting her back!"

"Easy?! Speak for yourself!"

"I was!"

The two glared at each other again.

"This is ridiculous," Legolas said flatly.

"You got that right," Randi replied, sneering.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Carrie flapped the front of her dress back and forth until it was completely dry. Pippin and Merry were both still sulking. Pippin was sitting by the waterfall, though well away from the pool, and darting glances of increasing interest at the bowl of ent-draught. Merry was shuffling around about twenty feet away from Carrie with his hands in his pockets. He looked like he wanted to talk to her, but was too afraid of being smacked again to initiate a conversation.

Carrie got sick of the constant leaf rustling and turned around to look at him. "Did you want something?"

Merry looked at her in surprise, turned white and then pink in rapid succession, and then shook his head.

"You're hovering," Carrie said, rolling her eyes.

"I wasn't hovering," Merry said quickly, backing away.

"You were," Carrie stood up, brushing leaves off of her dress. "Is there something you wanted to say?"

"Um" Merry looked at her nervously. "No well yes." He looked down, cleared his throat, and shuffled some more. "I'm sorry."

Carrie raised her eyebrows. "Why are you apologizing to me? It wasn't MY head you were holding beneath the surface of the water." She looked him over and sighed, her eyes landing on his still bright-red cheek. Damn it. "Come here," she said, frowning at her own, stupid, wanting-to-make-everyone-else-feel-better nature. Merry nervously walked up to her. She stretched out her finger until it was almost touching his cheek, and the little gold sparkles went to work. Merry's eyes widened as the pain in his face disappeared, reaching up to touch his cheek in bewilderment. Then he frowned at her.

"But I should still apologize to you. I upset you."

"Yeah, well, murder tends to upset me." Carrie watched Merry shuffle for a moment, then rolled her eyes again. "Fine, I forgive you, for whatever that's worth."

"Yay!" Merry cried, hugging her. Carrie tolerated the hug for a moment, then wriggled away.

"Did you just say 'yay?!'"

Before Merry could reply, the air was shattered by a monstrous belch. Carrie and Merry whipped around to stare at Pippin, who looked a bit embarrassed.

"Damn, Pippin!" Merry said in a tone that was half-scolding, half-appreciating.

"That was nasty," Carrie said flatly.

"Sorry," Pippin said meekly, sipping again at the large stone bowl of supposed water he was holding. He belched again, but this time it sounded faintly like the word 'dirrty.'

Merry's eyes widened. "You just said something treeish!"

"Did not," Pippin retorted, taking another sip. The next burp sounded suspiciously like 'outrageous,' followed by a few more delicate burps that sounded like 'my', 'sex,' and 'drive.' With each burp, he also grew a little bit taller.

"You did something," Merry accused.

"That is so nasty!" Carrie said again for emphasis. "Geez!" She stomped over to the other end of the clearing while Merry and Pippin commenced fighting over the ent-draught. She turned around just in time to see the two of them getting sucked in by a tree.

"Ah crap." She started to walk back over, wondering idly if there was anything she could do. She knew that Treebeard was going to show up at any minute, so she wasn't particularly frightened for the two hobbits.

"Stay back, Daisy," Merry warned, in protective mode.

"HELP!" Pippin yelped, in self-preservation mode as leaves started to pour down on him.

"It's okay," Carrie called down at them, making sure to stay well out of the tree's reach. "I'm sure Treebeard will be here any second, now!" With a last rustle of leaves, the hobbits were completely covered up. Carrie turned around, listening for the ent's approach.

Nothing.

A minute ticked by. No sign of Treebeard.

"Um" Carrie stomped her feet a few times, then lapsed into her bad Treebeard impersonation. "Yoouuuuu should not be waking! Um something about digging deep and drinking water" She trailed off. The tree didn't move, and no ents showed up. "Crap!" She kicked a root. "Let them go, you big old jerk, or I'll chop you into bits and build a hut out of you, and I'll turn the hut into a house of sin, and then I'll BURN the hut, and then I'll pee on the ashes!"

Much to Carrie's surprise, it worked. The tree snapped open and expelled the two hobbits so vigorously that they flew several feet through the air and landed hard. They both started coughing and spitting up leaves, and the tree closed with another snap. Carrie got the impression that she had offended it. Fancy that. She looked impassively down at Merry and Pippin.

"You two all right?"

"YOU SAVED US!" Before Carrie could react, she found herself the filling of a grateful hobbit sandwich.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And now, for a word from our sponsers.

We see Legolas sitting in a classroom full of first-graders, crammed in one of those little desks. The smiling teacher at the front of the room looks around, holding up a copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. "And who would like to read the next passage?"

Every hand in the room except for Legolas's shoots right up, several of the kids making eager little "oooh" noises. Legolas just ducks his head and looks forlorn.

The scene changes, and now we see Thranduil, sitting on his throne and looking concerned. The King of the Wood elves starts to speak.

"Legolas is a smart boy, but he has always had trouble with reading. When he started using his reading report cards for target practice, I suspected that he wasn't working up to his full potential."

The scene cuts to Legolas, sitting in a chair and looking at the ground. He speaks in a halting monotone, as if he is using his new-found reading ability to read cue cards. "The-other-kids-in-my-class-used-to-make fun-of-me-because I-couldn't-read-good-like-they-could and-they-made-me-feel-stupid-and-in infeeer infeeerriiiii" his eyes tear up and he screams, "I CAN'T DO IT! IT'S TOO HARD!!" He then pulls out his bow and starts shooting arrows wildly. Someone screams. The cameraman starts cursing and quickly cuts away.

The camera cuts back to Thranduil, who starts looking all weepy. "I just hurt so much, seeing him struggle with his assignments." There is a brief shot of several well-known works of literature riddled with arrows. Thranduil continues, "Besides, he's going to be king someday! We can't have a functional illiterate on the throne! That would make us like like America!" He passes a trembling hand over his brow, then clears his throat and sits up. "That's when I heard about Hooked On Phonics."

The scene changes again, showing Alex Trebeck. "Is your child appallingly illiterate, like Legolas? There's hope! For just $59.95, you can buy Hooked On Phonics! We guarantee a significant improvement on your child's report card in four weeks, or your money back! Seriously!"

Cut back to Thranduil, who smiles. "Hooked On Phonics worked wonders for my son. Just the other day he wrote his first letter!" He proudly holds up a letter on which is scrawled: "Deer Ms. Hobbledopplez firzt-grad clas - f yu mak fun uv me nemor, I wil tak mi arrowz and shut yu all in tha HED! C f I DONT!!"

Cut back to Legolas, who is pouting and reading cue cards again. "If-it-weren't-for-Hooked On-Phonics-I-would still-be-getting-Fs-in-all-my-classes instead-of-Cs."

Cut to Thranduil and Legolas. Thranduil wraps his arm around the sulking Legolas's shoulder and beams at the camera. "Thanks, Hooked On Phonics!"

Hehehehehehe review? (hopeful grin)

~Platy