And yet another prose disclaimer. I've decided, regrettably, that I'm just going to do one big reviewer special feature at the end instead of including you all in the disclaimers. I know that I promised some of you that I would include you, and I feel terrible for going back on that but at the same time, I don't want to push any of the ff.net authorities' buttons. I've had one fic removed by them, and two more that I had to take down I think I'm just going to play it safe for a while; I don't want them deciding that this is "interactive" or some such nonsense. But there WILL be a big thingy at the end, I PROMISE. Anyway, I don't own Lord of the Rings, of course and I hope this chapter pleases. On with the story!

By the way, for what it's worth I think I'm going to have commercials at the end of every chapter to make up for it. ;-)

It has also come to my attention that some of you were offended by my indirect Bush-bashing from the last chapter. I am sorry if I upset any of you; that was not my intent. It was, like everything else I write, all in good fun. And, in my defense, it isn't like every comedian on earth hasn't already poked fun at the president's grammar/reading skills.

Also, if any of you haven't read the original Mockfest, now would be a good time to do so. And if you have, get ready for a treat. ;-)

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Treebeard chose that precise moment to show up. Merry and Pippin both refused to let go until finally Carrie just elbowed them both in the ribs.

"Whoops," she said innocently as the hobbits rubbed their sides. "Muscle spasm."

"Interesting custom," Treebeard said in his trademark slow monotone. "Now you three should come with me something is going to happen today that has not happened for an age."

"Canon?" Carrie piped up. Everyone looked confused, and Carrie sighed heavily.

"An ent-moot," Treebeard corrected a minute later, after the three hobbits were settled on his branches. Carrie was, once again, in the middle. Treebeard's speech slowed dramatically (if that was possible) as he walked apparently, the ent wasn't very good at multi-tasking. Carrie found that there was time to hold an entire conversation with passing birds while the ent focused on his vowels. Treebeard was now explaining how the trees had gone bad, which Carrie thought came elsewhere in the movie, but wasn't sure. She could have been mistaken, or the author could have just been lazy.

"Oh, I'm lazy!" chirped the author merrily.

"Figures," Carrie grumbled.

"Eeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiii-" Treebeard began.

"Hi there!" Carrie called up to an Oriole. The bird looked down at her suspiciously.

"Hey! This is MY territory!"

"And you're welcome to it," Carrie replied promptly, as if she actually knew proper bird etiquette and wasn't just pulling stuff out of her ass as she went.

The bird fluttered onto Pippin's head and gave Carrie a sharp glance.

"Don't move," Carrie whispered to Pippin, who started to nod but quickly stopped himself, "or it'll poo on you." Then she turned politely back to the bird.

"Are you sure?" the bird asked.

"Quite positive."

"Well," the Oriole began, then suddenly turned around. "YOU! GET your tail OFF of that branch!" It flapped off to fight a rival. Pippin ran a hand through his hair and sighed with relief.

"-iiiiiiilllllllllllllll ffffffffeeeeeeesssssssssttteeeerrrrrrrrrrrrssssss" Treebeard continued doggedly. He strode past a blue jay, which opened its beak and started letting loose a string of insults and curse words that wouldn't have been out of place on an episode of Jerry Springer.

"Hey, you BLEEP piece of BLEEEEEEEEP BLEEP BLEEP refrigerator BLEEEP BLEEP (BLEEP) BLEEP dictionary BLEEEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP and BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP to BLEEEP BEEP BLEEEP puppy!!"

"Wow," Carrie said after the bird had finished. "I want to write that one down."

"What did it just say?" Merry asked (apparently the fact that she could talk to animals was no secret. Heck, she'd probably spent the earlier part of the quest chatting it up with Bill the pony).

"It just said um hello."

"That took a long time for just a 'hello,'" Pippin observed.

"Well, blue jays are very uh formal. He had to give me his list of titles."

"What were they?" Merry pressed curiously. Carrie groaned inwardly.

"Uh, I've forgotten already. That's why I wished I could have written it down."

" iiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn tttthhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hhhhhhhhheeeaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttsssssssssssss"

"And there are too few, too few of you left to look after them," Carrie finished impatiently. "Are we there yet?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooo-"

"Then more walking, less talking, please."

"Daisy!" Merry scolded.

"What? Did you enjoy listening to that? We've been walking for five minutes and he has yet to finish a sentence!"

"No, but" Merry lowered his voice and jerked his head pointedly towards Treebeard, who was still formulating a response, "you should be more polite."

Carrie found herself suddenly, irrationally fuming. "Polite?!" she hissed.

"Just be quiet, Merry," Pippin said, laying a comforting hand on Carrie's shoulder. "You're only upsetting her."

"Well, you don't have to go groping her every time she-"

"Groping?!" Pippin cut Merry off, looking outraged. "It's her shoulder! Groping would be if I-"

"If you even try to forking demonstrate, I will smack you right the hell out of this ent!" Carrie threatened, rounding on Pippin.

"I wasn't going to!" he objected. "Merry was the one talking about groping, not me!"

"I wasn't talking about groping!"

"You said it first, didn't you?"

"ALL RIGHT!" Treebeard bellowed, stopping dead in his tracks, which effectively shocked all three hobbits into silence. "DO I HAVE TO TURN MYSELF AROUND?"

"Um no," Carrie said softly after a moment of shock.

"Good," the ent grumbled before continuing along as if nothing had happened.

The rest of the trip to the ent-moot clearing passed in uncomfortable silence. They stood in the middle of the clearing in further silence, and just as Carrie was starting to seriously contemplate jumping onto the tip of the pointy rock and singing "The Circle of Life," the sounds of approaching ents reached their ears.

One by one, they appeared out of the surrounding trees to stand in the clearing, their large eyes regarding the hobbits with curiosity. Soon, there were over half a dozen ents standing in a rough circle, swaying.

"Good, good, many have come" Treebeard intoned gravely. "Willows, represent."

An ent that strongly resembled a willow tree lifted one of its branch hands in an unmistakably ghetto gesture. "Holla," it replied in a rustling voice. Carrie shook her head hard, hoping she had just imagined it.

"Sycamores, represent."

"Holla."

Carrie shook her head harder.

"Are you all right, Daisy?" Pippin asked worriedly, laying a hand on her shoulder again. Merry coughed the word 'groping,' and the squabble resumed.

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"I am NOT going to put on this 'hula' skirt!" Legolas said, hands clenched.

"And I am NOT going to kiss you!" Randi shot back, planting her own hands on her hips. "So you'd just better wear that skirt and dance around!"

"Do you even have a hula skirt?" Legolas asked, changing tactics.

"Um no. But I bet I could find one!" Legolas looked smug, and Randi scowled. "I'm still NOT going to kiss you! I would rather DIE."

"That's a bit harsh!"

"It's more than a bit true!"

"Then what should we do? Your last idea didn't get us very far, did it?"

"Oh, and your idea has moved us oodles of distance!" Randi took an aggressive step forward.

"It isn't my fault you're refusing to cooperate!" Legolas stepped up to meet her. Any passerby would have thought, not inaccurately, that they were inches away from throttling one another.

"Who refused to wear the damn skirt?! Not ME!" Randi glared defiantly up at him.

"This is ridiculous!" Legolas roared in frustration, and before Randi could do a thing he'd grabbed her, kissed her full on the mouth, and shoved her away.

Randi stared at him in shock for a moment. Then all hell broke loose. "EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!! YOU FORKING PERVERT!" Randi staggered away from Legolas and started spitting furiously.

"Ech," Legolas responded, wiping at his mouth and wrinkling his nose.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST FORKING DID THAT!"

"I didn't enjoy it, for what it's worth."

"AND WHAT WERE YOU WIPING YOUR MOUTH FOR?! And" Randi looked at the altar, then up at the sky, then around in a circle. "And it didn't work. It didn't work! IT DIDN'T FORKING WORK??!!!! YOU RAPED ME FOR NOTHING!!!"

"Well, you didn't cooperate. At least I tried," Legolas snapped impatiently. "And it wasn't rape; stop being melodramatic."

"HEY! GODDESS OF CANON! HEY!!!" Randi screamed at the sky until her throat was raw, jumping up and down on the altar. "HEY! I JUST PUT UP WITH THAT ASSHAT KISSING ME, NOW YOU HAVE TO GET THE HELL DOWN HERE!! NOW!!!! HEY!!!!!!"

Nothing.

"That," Randi said sharply, rounding on Legolas, "was SO not worth it!" She hopped down from the altar and glared at him.

"I agree wholeheartedly," the elf shot back. "I can't believe I ever had feelings for you! I must have been out of my mind!"

"Well, at least you're finally willing to admit that much! That's a forking start!" She folded her arms and scowled. "I hate you, and I'm forking stuck with you! This SUCKS!"

"I want to find Carrie," Legolas muttered angrily, pacing. "That's it!" He straightened purposefully. Randi looked over at him from where she had been picking at some dirt on the altar.

"What's it?" she asked as if she was half-afraid of the answer.

"I'm getting out of here," the elf replied, striding into the woods. Randi followed him.

"Are you insane?! Where in the heck are you going to go?"

"To find Lady Carrie!" Legolas insisted, shaking off her hand when she tried to grab him.

"You! Aren't! Going! To! Find! Her!" Randi snapped, aghast. She latched onto his arm and dug her heels into the ground until he was forced to stop.

"Well," Legolas said tightly, "at least if I get away from you, something productive is bound to happen!" He shook her off again.

"Well well, FINE! It's not like I WANT you to stick around! GO! Don't let this ROCK hit you on the way out!" She scrabbled in the foliage for a rock, found a stick instead, and threw it at him as hard as she could. It hit a branch and bounced viciously but harmlessly off to the side.

Randi growled in frustration, then stormed back to the altar. Fine, she thought. Fine. It's done now. He'll go off into the woods and get lost or get bitten by a rattlesnake or find a neighboring town and hang out there. Either way, he was out of her hair, and that was what mattered.

"Fork," she muttered under her breath. Legolas, as loath as she was to admit it, was her only key to Middle Earth, and indirectly the only key to her roommate. Sure, he was gone but what was she supposed to do? Tell everyone Carrie was dead? Randi sighed heavily and kicked a rock. It was no use; she had to go after him and coax him back somehow. But the elf had a good head start, he was walking faster than she was, and she didn't know where he was going. How in the heck was she going to find him?

Her musing was rudely interrupted by a loud bang, accompanied by a bright burst of fuchsia light, which emanated from the altar. Billowing waves of lilac-scented smoke rolled over Randi, who squinched her eyes shut and coughed, throwing up an arm against the onslaught. A moment later, her arm was bumped to the side, and a large, gray nose whuffled into her face.

Hi! Remember me? I hope so, because I sure remember you! We had so much fun and you helped me figure out LOADS about dirt, and-

Randi groaned and lowered her arm. She opened one eye gingerly, and found her entire field of vision blocked by the head of a large white stallion. "Ed?!"

You DO remember me! Ed tossed his head happily. Isn't this wild? I was just grazing in my field, thinking about how you left me at that fish-dirt place

"Amon Hen," Randi corrected, looking at the horse in utter disbelief.

Yeah, that place, Ed nodded eagerly. Oh, I was so sad, but then I got over it. But now I'm here all of a sudden, and, and YOU'RE here, too! He pawed the ground and bumped Randi enthusiastically with his nose, causing her to stagger back a pace. We can have FUN again! Ooh, what's this stuff? He lowered his head to snuffle curiously at the maintenance department's parking lot beneath their feet.

"That's asphalt it's like super-dirt," Randi explained.

SUPER-dirt?!?! Ed looked up sharply, so excited he nearly fell over.

"Yeah" Randi shook her head slowly, part of her stubbornly refusing to believe this was real. It was bad enough that she had to deal with the elf; now she had a HORSE?!

But nothing is growing from it, Ed observed.

"Well that's because it's so super, the grass would feel bad about itself if it grew from it. Say," Randi changed the subject swiftly, "remember that elf? The one that liked me?"

Oh, yeah. He dragged you away from me. I wanted you to stay! It wasn't very nice of him! Oh, he made me so mad, I almost wanted to BITE him, but that would be bad

"No!" Randi corrected, "No, it would be GREAT if you bit him! The problem is," she adopted an expression of exaggerated frustration, "I don't know where he is. He just went running off into the woods and I can't find him! Do you think you could find him?"

Ed lifted his head and sniffed the air for a minute. Oh, yes, I know where he went. But why do you want to find him? You hated him, I remember!

"If you find him, I will let you bite him as hard as you want!" Randi said desperately.

Hey, yeah? Ed looked thoughtful for a moment. He looked sideways at Randi. As hard as I want?

"You can draw blood if you want to," Randi nodded.

Well, heck yeah! Ed did a large, boisterous rear, then landed and tossed his head a few times. Yeah, hop on! We'll get him! Randi noticed with a touch of relief that the horse was wearing a saddle, at least. She struggled onto his back, actually missing her half-elven grace, and then the two of them shot into the woods.

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The scene opens on Pippin, sitting on a barstool in the Green Dragon. He looks at the ale list, brow furrowed in concentration. The bartender walks up with a weary expression on his face, as if Pippin has been sitting there for a very long time, mulling over the list.

"Look," the bartender says, "either you're thirsty or you're not."

"Oh," Pippin looks up guiltily. "Uh, I'll have I'll have" he looks frantically over the list, beads of sweat starting to stand out on his brow. His lips move soundlessly, as if he's talking to himself or trying very, very hard to untangle some of the words on the list. "Uh um that one." he finally just points to a name. The bartender rolls his eyes, snatches the list back, and waddles over to the tap to get him whatever it is that he chose. Pippin slumps against the counter, head in hands.

The scene changes to Pippin sitting on a chair in his parlor, looking sorrowfully at the camera. "It took me forever to order an ale at the Green Dragon, because I couldn't read any of the names! Half the time I got something nasty I didn't even like! Every trip to the pub was an ordeal."

The scene cuts back to Pippin at the pub. He gets his drink, sniffs at it suspiciously, then takes a tentative sip. He grimaces and shoves the glass away. The shove is more enthusiastic than he intends, and the glass topples off the other end of the counter and shatters behind the bar.

"What the hell are you doing?!" the bartender snaps, then screams as he steps on a piece of glass in his naturally bare feet.

The scene cuts to Pippin being forcibly expelled from the Green Dragon. He lands on the dirt with an unceremonious ker-BONK! and lies there in a heap, sobbing.

The scene cuts to Merry looking both concerned and a bit exasperated.

"We couldn't take my cousin anywhere. His illiteracy always got him into trouble. Like the time he got himself arrested for having an illegal strain of mushroom on his person. He'd stolen them all from Farmer Maggot, of course and he hadn't meant to steal the 'bad' ones, but he couldn't read the damn labels! It was bound to happen, with all the stuff Maggot has growing in his basement and him not being able to tell the difference." A few mug shots of Pippin looking terrified flash across the screen.

The scene changes back to Pippin in his parlor.

"Being arrested was a low point for me. I thought I was going to keep on getting in trouble or else have to stop stealing food and going to bars. None of those options really appealed to me. I thought I had no way out." He looks forlorn.

The scene changes back to Merry, who sighs and smiles a little bit.

"That's when we heard about Hooked on Phonics. We had tried other card games, like poker and blackjack, but none of them did a thing to help Pippin become a better reader, even if his gambling skills did drastically improve. Hooked on Phonics was different. Pippin learned how to read and had unhealthy amounts of fun at the same time!" There is a brief shot of Pippin throwing down a hand of cards (THE CAT LOVES TO DANCE) in front of Merry, who scowls and chucks his own hand (BIRD PUPPY THE CAN REFRIGERATOR) across the room.

The scene cuts back to Pippin.

"Hooked on Phonics really worked for me! Now I don't get into trouble anymore, and I never accidentally order drinks that I hate!" There is a shot of Pippin in the Green Dragon, confidently ordering a drink from the bartender, who grins at him before hobbling over to the tap on his crutches and carrying the drink back in his ["shit," the author hissed, having written herself into a corner] teeth. His strong teeth. And magic dislocating jaw. Happy music plays in the background. Pippin takes a swig of the beverage, grins, and gives the camera an enthusiastic thumbs-up. The scene changes to Pippin sneaking around in Farmer Maggot's basement. His hand hovers over some bright purple mushrooms, but then he notices the sign that labels the mushrooms as HALLUCINOGENS. He waggles his finger playfully at the sign, shakes his head and grins at the camera, and then moves on down the line to find white mushrooms labeled NORMAL AND PERFECTLY LEGAL. He starts stuffing the white ones into a sack, pausing to beam at the camera and give another thumbs up.

The scene cuts back to Pippin and Merry, eating the mushrooms and ordering mug after mug of ale at the Green Dragon.

"Thanks, Hooked on Phonics!" they say in unison, "You really worked for us!"

"Well," Merry amends, pointing to Pippin. "For him. I can read just fine."

Hehehehe ahem. Review?

Platy