Platy limped into the disclaimer. "Man," she complained, "moving into the new dorm has me all gimpy" She stopped in her tracks and looked around in confusion. "Where the heck are my muses?"
"We're heemmmph!" Will started to reply from somewhere out of sight, but was promptly muffled. Platy frowned.
"Where are you two hiding? Get out here!"
"No!" Jack shouted rebelliously from his hiding place. "We bloody will not!"
Platy sighed heavily. "Why are you hiding?"
"Jack thinks mmmmph!"
"You bloody well forgot about us last time, didn't you?" Jack shouted in accusation. "An entire disclaimer nearly a PAGE LONG, and there wasn't even a mention of either of us!"
Platy shook her head. "Well, I'm sorry! I had a lot to think about, and a lot needed to be said."
"WE COULD HAVE SAID IT!"
"Well," Platy stamped a paw impatiently, "get the heck out here instead of sulking and you can do the darned disclaimer!"
A hidden panel in the wall was shoved out and fell to the floor with a clunk, and a very dusty William Turner crawled out, sneezing. Jack followed and stood up, brushing off his shoulders and looking disgruntled. Platy stared at the two of them without commenting, then turned and scribbled something onto a piece of paper. She handed it to Jack and sat down.
Jack squinted at the paper, then cleared his throat. "Platy does not own Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean. She does, however, own Randi, Carrie, Ed, Celestina, Claralinda, and the GoC. Oh, and J.J. and Ferdinand the Great."
Will snatched the paper from Jack and, to the surprise of just about everyone present, began to read it. "She also has some things to say in response to reviewer questions and comments. Freaky Kiki, the commercials do not effect the chapter length at all what you get story-wise is what you get, regardless of what's tacked onto the end. Rose-" Will's eyes widened, then he fell into a dead faint. Jack neatly caught the paper as Will fell and smoothly continued.
"-blade, Midwesterners UNITE! You might actually be quite close to us, as we are near the Wisconsin border. And Skimbleshanks, we know that improper ratings could get a fic removed, but we aren't quite sure what you or anyone would have found R-worthy." His brow furrowed in confusion, and he turned to Platy. "Is this fic underrated?"
Platy stopped poking Will and looked up. "Um, I don't think so everyone seems to pretty much like it no flames or anything."
Jack rolled his eyes. "No, I mean, should it be rated R instead of PG-13?"
Platy blinked in shock. "Um I don't think so. I dunno, what do the reviewers all think? Am I pushing the rating? Let me know darn it Skimble, now you're worrying me! Let's move on with the story!"
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Claralinda sat in her room, staring through her computer with a thoughtful expression on her face. The walls and ceiling were covered in computer-generated images of various same-sex fictional characters in compromising positions; everything from the Fellowship (pick any combination, it was there) to Harry Potter to crossovers, including one picture of every character Johnny Depp had ever played tangled together in a mass. Many people would have found the posters disgusting at most and mildly inappropriate or disturbing at least. To slashers, however, they were the gospel of love.
Deep maroon carpeting covered the floor, which was bare except for an obese iguana named Ferdinand the Great. He rarely moved, preferring to lie under a very tiny sun Claralinda had conjured up and bask. Claralinda found him inspiring, though she couldn't quite say why. But his mounting obesity worried her, so she now had the sun moving very slowly around the room, forcing him to move a bit as well if he wanted the heat.
There was no bed or any furniture besides the chair she was perched on and the computer that hovered in front of her. A bed was unnecessary because she didn't really need to sleep neither did Celestina, for that matter, but her sister kept a bed because she liked anything that could conceivably have ruffles or frills attached. Claralinda preferred to focus more on her work and less on decoration.
At the moment, however, Claralinda wasn't writing. Her fics took far less work than Celestina's, as all she really had to do was tweak with the sexual preferences of the characters already in existence and then sit back and watch things go. "I am a clockmaker," she often said of herself. But since her fics didn't require too much meddling after the initial changes, it left her more time to ponder things, like whether there was any textual support for a Gollum-Frodo-Sam love triangle, and if not, whether existing text could be warped into support for a Gollum-Frodo-Sam love triangle.
Right now, however, she was pondering revenge.
It wasn't that Celestina had really angered her earlier. It wasn't that concrete and simple. It was more of a general loathing for her sister than prompted her scheming. She just didn't much like her sister, unless Celestina was angry. When Celestina was angry, she became amusing. Claralinda liked being amused, and she liked irritating her sister, and she was bored. Some revenge would be just what the doctor ordered.
Claralinda lifted a hand and waved it in a circular gesture. A Magic 8-ball formed in midair and dropped neatly into her palm. The goddess leaned back in her chair and shook the ball vigorously. "Should I do something nasty to Celestina?" She tipped the ball over and looked at it. "Signs point to yes! Excellent!" She shook it again. "What should I do?" She tipped it over again. "Concentrate and ask again I was concentrating!" She squinched her eyes shut and repeated the process. "Yes, definitely," she read. "Well, that helps me. This thing is a piece of junk." She tossed the ball up into the air, and it burst into flames. Claralinda cackled; she was a bit of a closet pyromaniac. Ferdinand didn't even blink; he was used to seeing things burn.
"Well," Claralinda said as soon as the ashes of the ball had dissolved into thin air, "I'm sure I can think up some appropriate punishment without the help of a cheap, spherical piece of plastic with Windex and a floating pyramid thing inside." She leaned back further, nibbling her lower lip thoughtfully.
Ferdinand turned his head very slowly, and Claralinda glanced at him. Yes. There it was. She had an idea. And it was quite delicious in nature. The only problem was that there was a high probability of retaliation. Claralinda wasn't quite convinced that the immense satisfaction of doing what she planned to do would balance out the irritation of having it immediately done to her. Then she shook her head and giggled. She could do far more damage than Celestina could, and Celestina's reaction would be highly amusing, indeed. Now all Claralinda had to do was pick one.
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Randi and Ed cantered through the woods, Ed making a special effort to move quietly. Randi knew he wanted to sneak up on Legolas, but was a bit doubtful that a forking horse would be able to manage it. It didn't help that all of the elven grace and sneakiness she had ever possessed was long gone; it was all she could do to stay on the saddle and not get swiped by branches.
Sheesh, Ed remarked as they emerged onto a cut grass path, you're nowhere near as good a rider as you used to be! We'll have to get you back in shape!
"Just try to be a bit less bouncy," Randi replied, clutching his mane for dear life.
Watch the mane! You're going to tangle it! Ed complained, tossing his head irritably. Goodness! What happened to you?
"Well, I'm not an elf anymore, for starters," Randi grumbled, and Ed snorted in surprise.
Not an elf? But but you were always an elf before! Are you some kind of shape-shifter? Just don't turn into a wolf; I don't like them or better yet, turn back into an elf! Then you won't tangle my mane and sit so heavy anymore!
"I was never really an elf to begin with," Randi explained irritably. "I was turned into a half-elf by an evil goddess, and now I'm back to normal. This is how I really am, Ed."
Really? Ed turned his head and regarded her with one large, brown eye. Well, you're still cool! And we're still friends! And pretty soon you'll be a better rider and oh, wait we're getting close Ed slowed to a trot, then to a walk. They eased around a bend in the path, to be confronted with Legolas's back. The elf had stopped and stiffened, knowing something was amiss. He whirled around and found himself face-to-nose with Ed, who flattened his ears.
"Is this that horse from Lothlórien? What on earth is he doing - OW!" Legolas jumped back and rubbed his arm where Ed had chomped on it. "He bit me!"
"Well, I told him he could," Randi shrugged, not feeling particularly sorry for the elf at all.
"Why did you follow me?" The elf scowled at them both. "I am trying to find Lady Carrie, and I do not appreciate being hindered!"
"I'm not hindering you," Randi said, leaning down onto Ed's neck. "Anyway, there's not much point in me going back with Ed. I might as well search with you."
"Oh, so now you want to help me?" Legolas raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"Yes, and you might as well accept it," Randi shrugged. "You can't outrun us, and Ed can find you if you try. How do you think I found you in the first place?"
"Well," he sighed, "I suppose I can't get rid of you. Fine, you may follow me, but if you hinder my search in any way, I'll shoot the horse -" Ed tossed his head and snorted nervously "-and leave you alone in the forest."
"Fair enough," Randi said evenly, rolling her eyes as soon as the elf had turned away. He was acting like they weren't within an hour's walking distance of civilization.
They walked or rode in silence for a while well, silence except for Ed's occasional mental mutterings or comments about the surrounding dirt. Randi stared at the back of Legolas's head. Was it really possible that he no longer liked her at all anymore? If so, it was just about better than Christmas! He was almost pleasant company when he wasn't constantly trying to hit on her. And well, if he wasn't going to make constant advances and be annoying, then friendship seemed preferable to bitter enmity.
"Hey, Legolas?"
"What?" came the sharp reply.
"You're no fun when you're hitting on me but you're no fun when you're PMSing, either."
"PMSing?"
"Acting grumpy," Randi clarified.
"Why shouldn't I act grumpy? Lady Carrie is missing, you're following me, and that horse bit me! I have nothing to be cheerful about!"
"Well, you should lighten up some, is all I'm saying," Randi said carefully. "I mean I don't hate you."
"I wouldn't mind if you did." Legolas frowned as he strode along.
"I was only angry because you were always hitting on me. I don't mind you when you're acting more normal."
"Well, many thanks for your assessment," the elf replied sarcastically.
Randi rolled her eyes, then nudged Ed around so the horse was blocking the elf's path (something Ed was more than willing to do). Legolas stopped and scowled up at Randi. "What?!"
"Look," Randi said flatly, "you, as unpleasant as that may be for the both of us, are my only link to Middle Earth besides Ed here, and my only link to my friend. Personally, I think this whole wandering into the bluffs thing is idiotic, but if you insist on doing so, I'm not letting you out of my sight on the off chance that something constructive does happen. Now, you can either continue sulking like a forking five-year-old, or you can accept it and lighten the fork up!"
Legolas's nostrils flared briefly in anger, then he sighed and slumped a little. "Fine. I shall try to be more cheerful."
"Good," Randi nodded firmly. The three resumed traveling. After a moment Randi offered, "Truth or dare?"
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Carrie, Merry, and Pippin had been rapidly expelled from the ent-moot because of their bickering. It was just as well as far as Carrie was concerned, since she found the whole proceeding immensely boring. At least if she wasn't included, she didn't have to be polite and pretend to be interested.
She also didn't have to pretend to be anything but incredibly miserable about her whole situation. Being in Middle Earth was doing odd things to her emotions. Every time she was cheerful or at least normal, it was soon followed by a period of crushing depression. Although being trapped in ME wasn't her idea of hell, it was still not something she enjoyed too much, and the realization that she really wasn't happy or okay with things kept hitting her every time she almost thought she was. So, while the ents swayed back and forth and harroomed at one another, she wandered a short distance into the surrounding forest, sat down by a little babbling brook, and commenced wallowing in self-pity.
She didn't cry this time. She just stared at the water and quietly hated everyone and everything, and mourned the fact that she still had to deal with everyone and everything. And it certainly didn't help that anytime she was down at all, Merry and Pippin nearly fell over themselves being all sensitive and caring and trying to make her feel better. If she shooed one away, the other would come over, and if she shooed them both away, they hovered in the background for a while and then tried again. It was like they were both mosquitoes and she was the only source of blood in a ten-mile radius. She finally just said something extremely rude regarding their behavior, their heritage, and several barnyard animals. They backed off. Merry settled down for a nap, and Pippin followed suit. Carrie was immensely grateful for the break.
Unfortunately, it did not last very long. As soon as Pippin was asleep and snoring lightly, Merry sat up straight and brushed himself off. He had been wide-awake the entire time. Carrie continued staring stubbornly into the stream as he sat down a short distance away from her, watching her warily out of the corner of his eye. After a few uncomfortable minutes, Merry broke the silence.
"Look I know that you're upset and that I'm most likely annoying you right now, but I really just wish you would feel better." He said this facing the stream, not even making eye contact, but he turned his head slightly to catch Carrie's reaction. He didn't get one. Carrie continued staring at the stream, a faint frown on her face as she wished for him to leave. She hated being in a miserable mood it made them more canon seeming and her weaker. If he would just go away
"Daisy? Did you even hear me?" Merry leaned forward to peer at her. Carrie sighed inwardly; clearly she wasn't going to get him to leave.
"I don't want to be here," Carrie said quietly, refusing to look at Merry.
The hobbit just looked relieved that she had spoken. He turned so he was facing her and leaned forward a bit. "I know."
"No," Carrie said in a slow, calm voice, "I really don't think you do."
"I understand that you don't want to be a part of this war. But we have to fight, Daisy, in any way we can!" Building up steam, he scooted closer and gripped her hand. "We have to beat this evil, and then we can return to the Shire, and -"
"I don't," Carrie interrupted coldly, jerking her hand out of his, "want to 'return' to the Shire."
Merry blinked. This was clearly unexpected. "Of course you do," he stammered uncertainly, completely thrown off.
"No, actually, I don't," Carrie snapped.
"But it's your home. It's" he turned a bit pink, "our home, Daisy"
"No, it isn't." Her voice, which had started out almost calm, grew steadily more frantic and angry as she continued. "It isn't my home, and this isn't my war, and this isn't my life! Can you understand that?" She stood up, trembling, and started to stalk upstream.
Merry, of course, followed her. "No," he cried almost angrily, "I can't!" He caught up to her and gently but firmly turned her around so she was facing him. Or, rather, facing his chest because she refused to look up at him. "Daisy," he almost begged, "will you please tell me what's really wrong?" He lowered his head in an attempt to meet her eyes, but she turned her head to the side.
"I already did. Let me go."
"Are you trying to make me believe that you don't care about this world at all? I know that's not true; you're not like that!"
"You don't know what I'm like," Carrie wrenched herself out of his grasp and stumbled back a few paces, glaring at him.
"Maybe I don't know you as well as I could, or as well as I'd like to, but I do know some things about you," Merry took a tentative step forward. Carrie took a step back, shaking her head. Why did he have to do this to her?
"I know that you're intelligent," he said, taking another step forward. "I know that you're kind."
"Stop it," Carrie said, voice shaking. He ignored her request.
"I know that you care about other people more than you're probably willing to admit." He took another cautious step. Carrie stood rooted to her current location, still shaking her head.
"Stop it" she said again, pursing her lips and staring at the ground in anguish.
"I know that you're selfless you healed me even though you were angry with me. I haven't forgotten that." Another ruthless step.
"Stop?" Carrie requested more than ordered as she buried her reddening face in her hands. This was unbearable.
"I know that you're one of my best friends," Merry continued in a rush, still moving towards her, "and I know that I care about you, and I know that you can't have really meant what you said before. The only thing I don't know is why you're so unhappy, because you won't tell me and it's driving me mad." He gently pried Carrie's hands away from her very pink face and looked earnestly down at her. "The last thing I want," he said quietly, "is for you to be miserable. I can't stand it."
Carrie looked up at him like a very flattered deer caught in headlights. She couldn't have moved even if she wanted to and she wasn't so sure that she wanted to. Seeing that she wasn't about to run away again, he released her hands and tentatively brought one of his up to her cheek, caressing it lightly with his thumb.
"I forgot something," he said gravely, his eyes capturing hers and effectively holding them hostage.
"What?" Carrie managed, barely, to say.
"I also know," he said with a tiny, wistful smile, "that you are the most beautiful lass I've ever laid eyes on."
"Oh," Carrie replied intelligently, her brain a puddle of mush. So she offered no resistance as Merry leaned down and gently, timidly brushed his lips against her own.
"Daisy!"
The sharp cry brought Carrie back to her senses like a bolt of lightning. NOBADWRONG lanced through her brain, and she jumped away from Merry as if kicked by a horse. She whirled around to see where the shout had come from; Pippin was standing a short distance away, looking stricken.
"Daisy," he said again, his eyes starting to tear up, "how could you?!"
Carrie opened her mouth, not sure exactly what to say. Pippin stared heart-brokenly at her. Merry stared at Pippin in shock. Pippin continued to stare heart-brokenly at her. Merry continued to stare at Pippin in shock.
It took Carrie a moment to realize time had frozen.
"Oh god!" she cried, clapping her hands to her burning cheeks as she surveyed the frozen, silent scene. "What have I done?"
"First of all, it's goddess," a voice said from behind Carrie, "and secondly, I did it, not you. I thought I felt near-canon and wanted to check it out."
Carrie spun around in shock to behold a tall, strikingly beautiful woman in a denim skirt and black top. "A goddess? But you're not Celestina" Carrie's heart leapt with sudden hope. "Are you the goddess of canon?"
"Please," the goddess rolled her eyes. "The goddess of canon is my mother. I am Claralinda." She looked sharply at Carrie. "You know my sister?"
"Of course I know her! She's the one who put me here!"
"Put you here?" Claralinda furrowed her unblemished brow. "You mean you're not from this universe?"
"Of course not! I'm from earth!"
"Putting civilians in her fics she's more twisted than I thought" the goddess muttered to herself, shaking her head.
"Oh, god, can you get me out of here? Please? I'll do anything -"
"Goddess," Claralinda corrected again, irritably. "And, as much as I would like to, I can't remove you. That's something only my sister can do."
Carrie let out a miserable little wail and sat down dispiritedly. "But I have to get out of here! They're being all stupid and romantic and I don't know how much longer I can take it!" She buried her face in her hands. "I swear I'm either going to go crazy, kill myself, or make out with one or both of them! I can't do this!" She twitched.
"I am sorry," Claralinda said, and she looked it. "I can't help that my sister's a freak, sadly." She looked from Carrie to Merry and Pippin a few times, and a large, rather nasty grin split her features. "I can't remove you from the fic but I may be able to help you another way"
Carrie climbed to her feet. "How?" she asked desperately.
"Oh, you'll see." Claralinda disappeared with a classy whoosh. Time lurched backwards a few moments, then resumed. Only this time, Pippin's anguished gaze was not focused on her.
"Merry," the hobbit choked out, "how could you?!"
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HEHEHEHEHE! (kicks heels delightedly) It totally took me FOREVER to write that, but there it is! And now I'm all tired, so no commercial. I do, however, have a few announcements.
One, you should all go to my bio if you haven't recently. There is, at long last, a new chapter of Croc Huntah up on my fic LJ, and if you want to be involved, you need to go leave a comment.
Two, Minty wants to do something to Pippin.
Pippin wandered in and stood on the large X Platy directed him towards.
"Can we make this quick? I need to go be anguished," he said. Before any more could be spoken, Minty ran in, scooped him up, and kissed him passionately. After a few minutes, Platy glanced at her watch and poked Minty on the shoulder.
"You can stop now."
Minty sighed, gave Pippin's cheek one last lick, then set him down. The hobbit staggered woozily away.
Okay, that's all. Please review and let me know if the rating really is too low! Dude, that so rhymed
Platy
