Platy, Will, and Jack sat down at a large round table with all of their reviewers, with three little mics in front of them. Will proceeded to poke his mic repeatedly and giggle until Jack smacked his shoulder.

"I have a few announcements to make," Platy said importantly, clearing her throat. "First of all, know that I have no strong feelings on slash fiction either way. I don't read it, and this is the closest I'm ever going to get to writing it. Although I do think that some of the pairings people come up with are a bit ridiculous, to each his own, freedom of speech and all that."

Jack leaned forward. "Like me and Will here, for example. Even if he wasn't the mental equivalent of a pre-schooler, I still wouldn't be dragging him into broom closets or anything like that." A slightly disturbed look flashed across his face as a thought struck him. "Last disclaimer? When we were in that hidden compartment? Nothing happened, understand? I silenced him with my hand, not any other part of my anato-"

"All right, Jack," Platy smoothly interrupted, "we get it. You and Will aren't involved, thank god."

"What does 'involved' mean?" Will stopped twirling his pith helmet and looked over at Platy.

"It means that you are very, very good friends who like to get frisky," Platy explained.

"But Jack and I are really good friends! Aren't we, Jack?"

"Not like that, lad."

"Moving right along!" Platy flipped through the small stack of notecards she had placed in front of her. "Anyway, I'm not out to offend or upset anyone; never have been, never will be." More flipping. "Oh, yes. Some of you seem to be under the impression that since it is slashy, it's going to suddenly become dirty and graphic." She sighed, shook her head, and set her notecard down. "Honestly, you people have nothing to worry about. There is a reason that none of my fics are romances. I don't have the talent or energy for them. Remember Merry and Carrie's encounter last chapter? That, as far as this fic is concerned, is third base, okay? And it took me way the hell too long to write. So those of you talking about bleaching your eyes have nothing to worry about. Nothing inappropriate is going to happen; I promise. Oh, and one more thing there was a misunderstanding concerning Skimble's remark. No one was suggesting that this fic was improperly rated, after all. So that's cleared up." She sat back in her chair and sighed. "Someone do the disclaimer."

Jack leaned forward. "Platy doesn't own Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, or anything else that appears that obviously does not belong to her. She does, however, own Celestina, Claralinda, Randi, Carrie, Ed, J.J., and Ferdinand the Great."

"On with the story!" Will bellowed into his microphone, nearly deafening the reviewers and causing Platy to topple out of her chair.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Carrie gaped. Had Pippin just said what she'd thought he'd said?!

"Oh, Eru" Merry looked from Carrie to Pippin a few times, then turned to Pippin. "I don't know what came over me, Pip I just" he started to reach for his cousin.

"No!" Pippin jerked back, switching rapidly from anguished to furious. "I don't want to hear your excuses!" Back to anguished. "I I thought we had something special!"

As everything became brutally clear, Carrie realized she had been holding her breath and released it with a loud "Pshfwgaahhh!!" She clapped her hand over her mouth, but neither hobbit was paying any attention to her.

"Pippin," Merry said with a tortured expression on his face, "I'm so sorry"

"You're COUSINS!" Carrie yelped. Still they ignored her.

"If you don't love me anymore," Pippin said, getting all teary, "why don't you just tell me instead of messing around with her behind my back?! It's not fair to me, Merry!"

"I don't love her," Merry cried, gesturing towards Carrie over his shoulder. "Pippin, you know that you're all I ever wanted"

Deciding that this was too good an opportunity to pass up, Carrie placed her hands on her hips and tried to look offended. "That's not what you told me last night, Merry!"

That got their attention. Merry whirled around, glaring furiously at her. "Nothing happened last night!" He turned desperately back to his cousin. "Pippin, nothing happened, I don't feel anything for her!"

"That's not what you just said!" Carrie brought her hand dramatically to her brow. "You told me I was the most beautiful lass you'd ever seen! And now I find out that you lied?!" She managed to conjure up a tear, feeling like an actress in a really bad soap opera. "You can't always have the best of both worlds, Merry! You can't toy with our emotions like this! Oh, the pain, the pain!" She buried her face in her hands and pretended to cry.

"Did you really say those things, Merry?"

"No, Pip, you know I would never-"

"Don't call me Pip!" The hobbit scowled, shaking his head. "My name is Peregrine only my friends call me Pip!"

"My heart has been torn in two! Oh, Rhett, Rhett, whatever shall I do? Wherever shall I go?" Carrie staggered around, fanning herself with one hand and making dramatic gestures with the other. "I do declare, all of this talk of lies and deceit has positively given me the vapors!" She sat down, still fanning. This, she thought with an inward squeal of manic delight, was great!

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Celestina flopped on her very frilly bed and yawned. There was nothing to do, and it was driving her mad. If only her mother would leave for some reason she could check on Legolas and Randi's progress. And Ed, the goddess corrected herself mentally. She had sent the horse along in the hopes that that Randi girl would use him to find Legolas. The horse would also serve as another reason the girl couldn't simply forget Legolas and Middle Earth existed and attempt to go about her normal life and not fall madly in love with the elf like she was supposed to.

"Celestina?" The Goddess of Canon materialized underneath the willow tree and looked around with thinly veiled disgust.

"What do you want?" the Goddess of Mary-Sues looked up at her mother with disgust that wasn't veiled at all.

"I'm going to a party," the Goddess of Canon replied, jerking the hem of her dress away from J.J.'s damp, questing nose in the nick of time. "I might not be back for a few days; your father's throwing it, and you know how he gets"

"Right," Celestina said dully, bewitching the remains of the rabbit to hop about. J.J. leaped up and began to chase it.

"That's grotesque," the Goddess of Canon watched the twisted spectacle for a moment, then shook her head briskly. "Anyway, if I find out from your sister that you've been messing with anyone or anything, you're in a colossal mound of dragon dung. Understand?"

"Yes, mother," Celestina intoned, rolling her eyes. "I don't fancy being grounded any more than I already am, thanks."

"That's the spirit." The Goddess of Canon snapped her fingers and both herself and (to J.J.'s dismay) the twitching rabbit carcass disappeared.

Celestina leaned back on the bed and closed her eyes. She couldn't feel her mother's presence anywhere in the house; she was definitely gone. And since she was a goddess, forgetting things wouldn't be an excuse to come back; she could just poof whatever she needed to her. Still, she should probably wait a while, just in case

To her credit, Celestina did manage to wait for nearly three minutes. Then she rushed to her computer (which was growing out of the tree like some odd parasite) to check on Legolas and her. They were still strolling through the woods, apparently arguing. Well, that was fine; witty banter always turned to love eventually. The goddess sat back with a sigh of satisfaction. Things were going better than she had hoped.

"I wonder what that other girl is up to Candy or whatever her name was" Celestina leaned forward and clicked over to that story. She read the most recent paragraph.

She read it again.

Her eyes widened.

She scrolled up with a mew of horror; this could not be happening

But it was.

The butterfly meadow rang with her shriek of rage.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Claralinda was lying on her floor, staring into Ferdinand's sleepy eyes with intense concentration when her sister barged in.

"YOU!!!" Celestina pointed at her sister with a shaking, perfectly manicured finger. "How - how - how DARE you?!"

"What?" Claralinda smiled lazily. "Is something wrong?"

"IS SOMETHING WRONG?!" Ferdinand blinked in mild surprise at the temper tantrum the Goddess of Mary-Sues was throwing. "YOU MEDDLED WITH ONE OF MY STORIES!"

"Oh?" Her sister's grin widened further. "You mean those stories you aren't supposed to have?"

There was a moment of silence while Celestina gaped at her sister in incredulous horror. The goddess snapped her mouth shut, whirled around, and stormed out of the room. Claralinda had time to snort in amusement before the door opened and Celestina burst back in.

"You," Celestina said in a low, furious tone, "are going to set things right."

"Why should I?" Claralinda sat up and smiled pleasantly at her sister.

"If you don't, I'm telling mother about YOUR fics! Don't think I don't know about those monstrosities"

"Well," Claralinda drew her knees up to her chest and draped her arms around them, "that doesn't seem like much of a threat to me. If you were to tell mother about my fics, I'd turn right around and tell her about yours, and you'd be in more trouble than me because you were ficcing while you were grounded. Not to mention the fact that you've taken a girl from earth, or all places, and thrown her in there!" Claralinda's smile melted elegantly into a frown. "Honestly, don't you have any ethics? What is that poor girl's family going to think?"

"I wasn't planning on leaving her in there indefinitely," Celestina snapped back. "I'm just keeping her out of the way for a while! She shouldn't have to stay there much longer."

"I don't care what your reasoning is. It's wrong, and if I had the ability, I'd have removed her myself."

"But you don't have that ability, do you?" Celestina smirked, then shook her head. "Fine. If you're going to be stubborn, I'll just fix things myself!"

"Good luck," Claralinda said with a large grin as Celestina disappeared with a poof of violet and gold.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

"Don't touch me!"

"Pippin, please"

"Oh, sweet Jeebus, has my entire life been a lie?!"

Things were continuing as usual. Carrie was still sitting on the ground, pretending to cry but actually watching the hobbity drama from between her fingers. The drama itself consisted of Pippin backing away from Merry and looking hurt and betrayed, and Merry trailing after Pippin and looking like a lost puppy.

Then, quite suddenly, Pippin and Merry stopped moving. They weren't frozen as they had been before; they were just standing there with their arms hanging limply at their sides, their eyes glazed and unfocused. Carrie stood up and looked around nervously. The birds had fallen silent. She ran over to Pippin and shook his shoulder.

"Pippin? Pippin!"

No response. She was about to try Merry when an all-too-familiar voice interrupted the silence.

"You're just wasting your time, girl."

Carrie turned her head around so quickly that she got whiplash. "Celestina!" After a moment, she added, "Get me out of here, you bitch!"

"No." Celestina tossed her black hair over her shoulder and frowned at her hobbit Sue. "Unfortunately, your roommate is not being quite as cooperative as I had hoped. And you aren't going anywhere until they are properly in love."

"Well, I'm not much of a Sue here," Carrie pointed out, folding her arms. "Merry and Pippin are currently more absorbed in each other than they are in me."

"I'll be fixing that shortly," Celestina replied, raising her hands.

"Wait! Seriously, why won't you just let me go back? Do you think I want Legolas to fall for me?!"

"It doesn't matter. If you were back, you would be a distraction. So here you shall stay, until your roommate comes to her senses or until I think of something better to do with you. Now" The Goddess raised her hands further, and a strong wind rushed through the clearing, forcing Carrie to strike a Marilyn Monroe pose to keep her dress at a PG-13 level. The girl closed her eyes as the wind strengthened. Then the wind stopped as if a switch had been flicked, and the girl opened her eyes. Celestina was nowhere to be seen. Merry and Pippin blinked.

"Um," Carrie said, looking at them nervously as Pippin resumed his hurt/betrayed stance. Merry, contrary to looking like a lost puppy, now looked angry.

"I still can't believe you were messing with Daisy behind my back!" Pippin shouted. "Friends don't do that to one another!"

"Well, I'm sorry, Pippin," Merry spat, "but I love her, and nothing you say is ever going to change that!"

"Oh, so we're back to this," Carrie said to herself, nodding.

"You don't love her! You hardly know her! You haven't spoken with her like I have!"

"I know her better than you ever could!" Merry retorted. Then he twitched, and his expression changed back to moony. "Pippin, why do you keep pushing me away?"

"What?!" Pippin glared in confusion at his suddenly slashy cousin. "What are you talking about? This is all YOUR fault!"

"And I'm sorry," Merry said sincerely, stepping forward and taking Pippin's hands in his. "Eru, don't you know how sorry I am?"

Pippin stared speechlessly at Merry for a moment, then jerked his hands away and staggered back a few paces. "There's something the matter with you, Merry."

"No!" Merry said, his eyes burning passionately. "I'm only just seeing things clearly now, Pip, and I know that I" Merry twitched again, and after a short pause, continued in a heated voice, " am sick of you always acting like I couldn't possibly be desirable to anyone else! Did it ever occur to you that Daisy could love ME and not you? That maybe she wants ME, Meriadoc Brandybuck; did that EVER enter your puny little mind?!" He tried to glare defiantly at his cousin, but a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes ruined the effect. It was clear that no one, except possibly Carrie, had the slightest clue what was happening. And Carrie wasn't about to give hints. For the moment, she was content to watch the argument with her mouth slightly open and an expression of incredulous delight on her face.

"You," Pippin said, shaking his head slowly, "are crazy, Merry." Then the Took twitched.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

The scene opens on Aragorn, son of Arathorn, wandering around a small clearing in Rivendell. The clearing is dominated by Gilraen's large, marble tombstone. Aragorn squints thoughtfully at the ground and peeks behind several bushes, his eyes often darting back to the sculpture. Still, he seems unwilling to go over for a closer look.

The scene changes to Aragorn sitting on his throne in Gondor. He shakes his head and sighs heavily. "I used to have a lot of trouble reading elvish. A LOT of trouble."

The scene changes back to Aragorn in Rivendell. He sidles up to the sculpture, squints at the writing, then scoots away.

Back to King Aragorn, who looks at the floor. "I had no idea where my mother's grave was. I mean, Elrond had told me it was in that clearing, and it was pretty much the only thing there, and it looked kinda like her but I couldn't read the writing, so I couldn't be sure it was her and not some other random woman." He sighs heavily. "I needed help."

The scene changes to Elrond, who has taken his little headband thing off and is playing with it as he faces the camera. "I knew Aragorn was having difficulties when he STILL couldn't find his mother's gravesite. I mean, I must have told him where it was at least eight times. I was at a loss; I had tried teaching him elvish, but he just didn't learn like normal elven children." Elrond's face crinkles into a smile. "That's when I heard about Hooked on Elvish."

As the scene changes to a montage of short clips, each of Aragorn playing with cards on a big table and looking accomplished, Elrond does a voice-over. "Hooked on Elvish did what I and all of the tutors I had found could not - actually got the basics through that crazy man's skull. Soon he was reading books, making friends, and using the men's bathroom instead of the women's." There is a clip of Aragorn nearly walking into the ladies' room, seeing the sign labeling the room as the ladies' room, and backing away with a head shake and a chuckle. "Hooked on Elvish really worked for him!"

The scene changes to Aragorn walking up to his mother's grave, putting a bunch of flowers on it, and then hugging the statue. He turns to give the camera a huge grin and a thumbs up. "Thanks, Hooked on Elvish!"

I know this chapter isn't as long, and the commercial is, frankly, lame but at least it's out there! Woo! Please review!

Platy